The Marauders Discover Fanfiction
by CoconutBanana
Summary: What happens when a magical computing device gets transported from the future, and the marauders (plus Lily) discover interesting stories about them and people they know? And what happens when they attempt to write so-called Fanfiction themselves?
1. Hex me, Charm me

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter One: Hex me, Charm me**

**First Uploaded: May 30****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 12****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the world of Harry Potter. It all belongs to Jo, who I am not on first-name basis with.**

James was relaxing in the common room, lounging on the most comfortable seat that he and Sirius always competed for. Seeing as Sirius currently wasn't here, James had claimed it for himself. Remus was sitting a little further away, doing his Potions essay, and Peter was trying to subtly copy it over his shoulder.

"Wormtail, if you don't do it yourself, you'll never learn." Remus protested half-heartedly. James knew that Remus only complained for show, or perhaps because of some stupid morals, but he couldn't _really _mind, seeing as he always let his friends copy anyway.

"Where's Padfoot?" James asked, realising that he hadn't seen Sirius since dinner, which had been nearly three hours ago.

"He had detention, I think," Peter said, not looking up from his essay.

Not surprised in the least, James went back to flicking through his Quidditch magazine. He was getting absorbed into an article on 'the most common mistakes chasers make and how to avoid them', when someone loudly entered the common room. James looked up, irritated, only to see Sirius rushing towards them, hand protectively covering his leather book-bag. His eyes were bright with excitement, his cheeks flushed and he was breathing heavily.

"Get up into the dormitory now." He told them. "I need to show you something!"

Sensing that something important had happened, the other three immediately stopped what they had been doing and followed Sirius into the dormitory. Sirius beckoned them closer and opened his bag in a self-important manner.

"So, I was in detention with Filch – nothing new there – and he made me copy detention slips in his office. About half way through, Peeves wracked some havoc on the third floor, and Filch left. Almost as soon as he was gone, the office was filled with some super scary blue light. At first, I thought that it was Peeves, but the light just started getting brighter and brighter, until I had to cover my eyes. Suddenly, it all disappeared and there was only a big, blue box in the middle of the office. I was really confused, but then I saw that the box had the following written on it," Sirius paused dramatically and pulled out a light-blue, slim, rectangular metal box, just big enough to fit in his book bag.

The other three crowded around it, looking down. Sure enough, the box had a clear inscription engraved onto it with long, slanted letters:

_For the marauders. Use it well._

There was a moment of silence as the four looked at it in awe and confusion.

"Shall we open it?" Peter asked after a moment.

"Of course! It's for us, after all." James said, as Sirius reached for the box.

"I don't know," Remus said hesitantly. "Maybe it would be best to take it to Professor Dumbledore. This whole thing sounds very suspicious…"

"Don't be such a wet blanket, Moony. After all, it's for us. We could just take a peek at it, and if it looks dangerous, we can take it to Dumbledore." Sirius said, already looking for where to open the box.

Remus sighed, his curiosity winning over his apprehension.

"How do you open this dratted thing?" Sirius asked, looking in vain for an opening in the box.

"Let me have a look," James said, examining the metal edges of the box. Remus ran his hand over the engraftment, whilst Peter pressed the box, attempting to open it by applying pressure.

The moment all four of them touched the box, it glowed white for a moment, then seemed to disappear completely.

"What just happened?" James asked hesitantly.

"Look…" Sirius breathed, pointing at where the box had been. In its place was a silver machine-looking thing. Unbeknownst to the marauders, it was actually a laptop from the future…

They all stared, transfixed, as the device magically opened itself, and turned on. One side was made of black glass, the other of many buttons with letters and symbols on them. They warily kept a distance from the… _thing _as its previously dark glass side lit up and displayed several photograph-looking pictures. Before they had time to look at it more exactly, the magic glass had already changed colour.

"Perhaps we should go to Dumbledore…" Remus suggested, eying the machine.

"Hush, Moony." James said as the screen changed again, this time displaying writing.

"…_Fanfiction_?" Sirius read, his eyes adjusting to the harsh light of the screen. "It looks like a story of some kind. It seems to be called, **Hex me, Charm me**." He squinted at the screen, trying to read the rest. "Yes, definitely a story of some kind."

"But why would someone send us a book from the future? Or is this what books look like in the future? But what are those buttons for then?" Remus asked, pointing at the keyboard. "I really think we should show this to Dumbledore."

"Oh Merlin," Sirius said, blanching.

"What is it?" James asked, trying to read over Sirius shoulder.

"This story… It's about you." Sirius said.

"What?!" James exclaimed. "Lemme see that!" He shoved Sirius out of the way in order to see the magical-glass-slash-futuristic-book-thing. He stared at the screen, his jaw hanging open.

"It's about us! And McGonagall, and Lily." He said slowly, scanning the screen.

"Read it out loud." Sirius said from where he was lying on the floor, where James had pushed him.

**It was a normal day**

James read hesitantly.

**The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Professor McGonagall was shouting at the four marauders.**

"It really says that?" Remus asked in disbelief. "Someone in the future really wrote about us?"

James nodded, pointing at the sentence. "Here, look for yourself."

Remus read the sentence, his eyes narrowed. "I really think we should see some Professor about this." He said. "This can't be normal."

"You're such a spoilsport." Sirius said, giving Remus a light kick. "You're a marauder. Marauders don't give professors an awesome gift someone from the future sent them, on which there is a story about them, they read the story and enjoy it!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Padfoot. Someone from the future _wrote a story about us_. Then, they _sent it to the past so we could read it_! Doesn't something about that whole situation strike you as a little strange?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe, but it's cool! C'mon, let's read this chapter, then we'll talk about it."

"I agree," James said. "What harm could it do to read one chapter?"

"I vote that, too," Peter chimed in. Remus rolled his eyes a second time and sighed, but motioned for James to continue reading.

**"THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!" McGonagall yelled, and the four were forced to cower under her glare.**

**"It was all in good fun!" Sirius Black protested.**

"Look! It's me!" Sirius couldn't help but sit up and look at the screen from over James' shoulder, verifying that it had, indeed, been him in the story.

**"All in good fun? ALL IN GOOD FUN? You turn Snape into a gerbil** **and you claim that it is ALL IN GOOD FUN? Detention for the week!"**

"Hm…" James mused thoughtfully. "That sounds like a pretty good prank idea… And it sounds like something we might pull. Do you think this book is about our future?" He asked.

"Nah," Sirius said. "After all, if it was realistic, we would have gotten a way more severe punishment than a weeks' worth of detention."

"True…"

**She turned and strode away, her cloak billowing behind her.**

"She sounds like superman," Peter said. "Or like some evil mastermind…"

**The four boys turned around, only to come face-to-face with Lily Evans.**

"Lily's in this story, too?" Remus asked, surprised.

James nodded and reread the sentence.

**James blushed.**

"C'mon," The real James protested. "Give me a little credit. Although I fancy Evans, I've got enough pride to refrain from _blushing _in her presence."

**"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" she screeched like a banshee.**

"That description is very accurate, I must concede," Sirius said. "Don't you think, Moony?"

Remus nodded uneasily, not really paying attention. He couldn't help but wonder why anybody would write about them, not to mention send it to them from the future. He wanted to talk to Dumbledore about it, but he was also just as curious as the others, and he wanted to read the stories as well. _Hmm… Perhaps reading one or two chapters couldn't hurt, I could always talk to a professor later._

**"That Snape would make a wonderful gerbil." Sirius answered promptly.**

"Good answer, Fanfiction!me, good answer… I like this. Reading a story about us, I mean. It's fun."

"I agree," James said, and Peter nodded as well. "Remus?"

"I suppose…" The latter conceded. "Maybe we could read a couple, but we'll take it to Dumbledore later, right?"

"Yeah, I guess. Continue reading, Prongs." Sirius said.

**Lily glared at him, and he cowered.**

**"Holy crap." James whispered.**

"It's so weird reading about myself, and talking about myself in third perspective…" James said.

"I like it." Sirius said. "I mean, someone _wrote about us_! How cool is that? Maybe we're really famous in the future, and people write stories about our childhood."

**Her flaming red hair was flying around her head, and her green eyes were fiery.**

"How do they know so much about us?" Remus burst out, feeling the need to express what was making his feel so uneasy.

"We're probably famous in the future." Sirius said.

"Maybe…" Remus said, but he wasn't convinced.

**"Your pranks are childish and immature!" The four boys glared at her, but she just shrugged. "What? I bet that your pranks could never make me laugh!" she said.**

**"Fine. You're on." Sirius snarled.**

**"Good. You have until next Friday," Lily said, then she turned to leave, flicking her hair over her shoulder.**

**The boys looked at each other. This would require careful planning.**

"And that's the end." James said, looking up.

The three sat in silence for a moment, processing what had happened.

"Alright, I propose that we hold on to this thing for a little while, and then we can show it to Dumbledore and ask him about it." James suggested when nobody said anything.

"I agree." Remus said finally, his curiosity winning. After all, how often did one get the opportunity to read stories about oneself and one's friends? Not often, that was for sure.

"So, shall we read the next chapter?" James suggested, to which everybody expressed their agreement.

Everybody was very surprised to find that a completely different story had magically been selected by the device…

* * *

**A/N: Hello! I'm Coco. This is a redone version of my earlier copy of this chapter, because I decided that I didn't like it. In this story, I'm going to have the marauders (and Lily, and possibly an OC for Lily's friend, let me know what you think) read all kinds of fanfiction, and they'll write some, too. Most of the stuff they read will be bad fanfiction, so beware, hehe. Anyway, all of the stories they read will be by me, all kinds of things my twisted mind can come up with. Just kidding (about the twisted mind thing… kind of). Anyway. I will include other people's stuff if they write it especially for this story, but it will always be specifically stated.**

**I hope you enjoy this story, and please leave a review if you have time, it means a lot to me.**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	2. Sevella- Snape's Sister

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Two: Sevella, Part One**

**First Uploaded: May 31****st****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 12****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the marauders (sigh), or anything that you recognise. Wouldn't it be nice, though?**

"What?" James asked in surprise. "This isn't the next chapter of the story we just read! In fact, it looks like a _completely _different story altogether… It's titled **Sevella**, and the description is, **Snape's sister that was kept a secret. What happens when she goes to Hogwarts?**"

"This definitely isn't based on real-life, then. Sound's interesting, though. Imagine if there were two Snapes. Eugh." Sirius said.

"This makes no sense…" Remus muttered, partly to himself. "I thought that people wrote about us because they knew us? Why would they invent such a crazy situation?"

"Boredom?" Sirius suggested. At Remus' ludicrous look, he shrugged. "What? I'm sure it's a possible solution that someone was really bored, so they decided to write about what might have happened in this improbable situation."

Remus raised an eyebrow, still unconvinced.

"Snape's sister?" James interrupted. "Gosh, do you thing she is as greasy and hooked-nose as he is?"

"Probably," Sirius snorted. "Can I read it?"

"You can read?" James asked in mock-surprise. Sirius flipped him off and pushed him over, moving into a comfortable position in front of the screen.

**Sevella**

"Original name for Severus Snape's sister." Peter piped up, rolling his eyes.

**Terenety Starlet Stormwaker**

"Well, that's a long and rather odd name…" James said, raising an eyebrow.

Remus paused to think. "It might be a Mary Sue," he said.

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"It's a self-inserted character that is too perfect to be real. They have no real flaws, are always the centre of attention, and their looks are perfect. To create 'depth', the author will usually give them a really tragic background, and have them angst about really unnecessary things. Or, they get a faux-flaw, such as clumsiness or shyness." Remus explained.

"And how do you know that?" Peter asked.

"Well, they pop up occasionally, but not very often, in the novels I read. But I guess they are more common in so-called Fanfiction."

**was never an ordinary girl. She had been kept a secret by her father, who hated her,**

"Definitely a Mary Sue, then," Remus said.

**because she was the proof of the affair he had once had with a muggle. He often beat her, and she spent loads of nights crying herself to sleep.**

"I see what you mean with the tragic background," Sirius said.

**Her brother, Severus,**

"Eugh, imagine having Snivellus as a brother!" James said, disgusted.

"Yeah, he'd live in your house, and you'd be forced to see him every day!" Sirius added.

**was the only one that was remotely kind to her, but even he didn't love her.**

**She had been forced to stay at home, and she was unable to go to Hogwarts, because her father hated her so much.**

"That's not a reason! Moony, would that be possible?" Sirius asked.

"I think it might be, since he could just pretend to home-school her. But you'd think that if he hated her so much, he would just cart her off to Hogwarts, so that he didn't have to see her!"

**However, when her father died, she was seventeen, and she had been allowed to go to Hogwarts.**

"Well, if she has never been taught, how does she expect to learn six years' worth of magic in such a short period of time?" Peter said reasonably. Nobody knew, so Sirius continued reading.

**Even though nobody taught her, she had managed to learn magic on her own, not even needing a wand.**

"Oh, I forgot to add that Mary Sues usually have amazing powers, or they are naturally gifted at whatever they try." Remus said. "Continue reading, Padfoot,"

**Now was her first day at Hogwarts. It was September the first, and she was going to ride on the Hogwarts Express and start her seventh year.**

**She was so excited in the morning, she could hardly contain herself. Not even her step-mothers sneering had dampened her mood, and she found herself being happy for the first time in years.**

**She combed her dark ebony hair, it was glossy and long,**

"Unlike Snivellus', which is greasy and gross…" Sirius shuddered.

"Well, this is what I said. She looks perfect, you'll see." Remus said.

**and she even put a little bit of makeup on, making her dark eyes sparkle and pop.**

"I wonder where she got her makeup from… I mean, her daddy obviously didn't buy her any, I doubt Snivellus wears makeup, and her step-mum hates her anyway. Did she just steal it from her, or what?" Peter said.

"It's plot convenience," Remus said. "The author needs Sevella to put on makeup in order to be able to describe her beauty."

**Her heart shaped lips were glossy, and her skin flawless.**

"Obviously." James said sarcastically. "Anyway, why is she so different from Snape? The only similarity is dark hair and dark eyes, what about everything else?"

"Well, she's a Mary Sue, so she looks perfect. Her being related to Snape is just an idea of the author, it probably won't affect her looks or personality at all." Remus said.

**She then proceeded to choose her outfit. Unlike her brother, her fashion style was great,**

The four marauders snorted at this.

**and she pulled on a Chanel designer dress.**

"What's 'Chanel'?" Peter asked.

"No idea… But designer means expensive, so the author obviously forgot the fact that all her relative's hate 'Sevella', and would never buy her expensive clothes." Remus said.

**She pulled**

"Sloppy, the author only just used that word. How hard is it to think of a different one?" Remus said.

**on a pair of black high heels,**

"Yeah, because all students wear high heels to ride the Hogwarts Express," James snorted.

**and a pair of fishnets that made her legs look longer**

"This outfit is starting to sound way too over-the-top." Sirius said.

"Starting? I thought that after she mentioned the designer dress." Peter said.

**and she put on a black lace push up bra that made her great curves look even better.**

"Riiight." James said. "And why did the author have to mention what bra she was wearing?"

"Well, obviously the author thought she was subtly mentioning the fact that Sevella has great curves." Remus explained, rolling over on his bed so that he was lying on his back. He was really starting to enjoy the stories, even if it mainly involved pointing out what was wrong, especially in this story.

**She realised that she was going to be late if she didn't go now, so she set off quickly. However, when she arrived, the train was already full. People turned and stared as she went past,**

"Further proof that she's a Mary Sue." Remus said.

"We already determined that ages ago," Sirius pointed out.

"Yeah, but see what I mean that she is always the centre of attention? It's like people have nothing better to do than stare at her and gossip about her."

"Well, to be fair, I think I would be shocked if a new student came to Hogwarts and she was wearing an outfit like that one." Peter said.

**and she felt very self-conscious, for, although she was beautiful, she didn't know it.**

Remus sighed. "I really hate that line. _Although she was beautiful, she didn't know it… _I don't know why, it just really doesn't work for me."

**She finally went to sit in the only compartment that wasn't completely full. There were four boys chatting idly, but they all fell silent when she walked in.**

"I think this is our entrance." Peter said.

**"Hello," the first one, a boy with black hair and silver eyes,**

"Wait a moment, is that supposed to be me?" Sirius asked.

"I think so…" James said.

"But I don't have silver eyes!"

"Do you really expect the author to care?"

Sirius scowled.

**murmured,**

"I don't murmur." Sirius said, disgustedly. "And especially not to random new girls I have just met."

**staring at her chest shamelessly.**

"So now I'm some kind of a pervert. Great."

**Sevella felt very self-conscious, and crossed her arms to stop the leering.**

"Well, that's understandable," Remus said.

**The boy turned red at being caught staring so blatantly,**

"Well, if I'm so embarrassed, why did I do it in the first place? She even said that it was obvious!" Sirius exclaimed.

**but he murmured,**

"Seriously, it was bad the first time, why does the author have to repeat it? I DON'T MURMUR!"

**"I'm sorry, I just can't help myself. You are so beautiful…"**

"Wow, that's some really bad, creepy flirting you're doing, Padfoot." James smirked.

**Sevella blushed, but smiled.**

"Well, it's working." Sirius said.

"Yeah, on Snape's sister," James laughed, causing Sirius to cross his eyes and faux-pout.

**"No, I'm not," she whispered, covering her face with her hair.**

**"Who are you?" a different boy, a sandy haired one, asked.**

"I think that's me." Remus said.

**"Sevella." She whispered.**

"So I'm murmuring, and she's whispering? I mean, that's so weird! Why can't the author think of some synonyms?" Sirius said.

**The third boy, one with hazel eyes and brown hair, asked her, "What is your surname?" He asked.**

"James: the only one with common sense in this Fanfiction." Remus said.

"Well, to be fair, you also seemed normal enough, it's only Sirius that's murmuring and leering." James said. "And anyway, my hair isn't brown, it's black!" To prove his point, he ran a hand through it, messing it up.

"Where am I in this story, anyway?" Peter asked.

"You're probably going to be introduced in a moment." James said.

**"Erm, Deays," she whispered, not wanting to give away her true identity. Her brother had often complained about his enemies, and she had the feeling that if these boys knew who she truly was, she would not have a chance to ever make friends with them.**

"Like we'd make friends with her anyway." Peter said. "I mean, she's dressed in a weird way, she's whispering and she's making Padfoot murmur."

"Well said, Wormtail, my friend!" Sirius said.

**"Hello, Sevella Deays." The first one murmured.**

"So I'm still murmuring? Yipee…"

**He had silver eyes that were as deep as pools of moonlight,**

"Ok-ay..." Sirius said, raising both eyebrows.

"The author is trying to be poetic." Remus said.

"It's not working," said James.

**and they were so expressive. Right now, although Sevella didn't know it, they were filled with love.**

"Because I'd definitely fall in love with a random girl I just met. Seriously, even if I'd had the best conversation in the world, which I didn't, I'd not fall in love with them just like that." Sirius said, snapping his fingers. "I mean, I don't even know anything about her."

"And am I the only one realising that this is Snivellus' sister? She is _related _to him!" James pointed out.

Sirius looked horrified. "You're right! And if this Fanfiction would make us marry, I would be his brother-in-law." He gave a fake shudder.

**"What's your name?" she whispered to the first boy shyly.**

"Because, of course, she is only interested in the name of the mighty Padfoot. The others are pale in comparison to the bright glow of Sirius Black." Remus said, shaking his head.

**"Sirius," he murmured, taking a strand of her glossy, black hair, and tucking it behind her ears.**

**She blushed again, and he chuckled. "Well, Sevella, why don't you sit down?"**

"And that's the end of the chapter." Sirius said. "And it looks like the next chapter hasn't been uploaded yet."

"Good. I don't care about Sevella," said James. "Well, let's read another story, shall we?"

* * *

**A/N: Part one of Sevella, but the next part won't be for a while… A very long while…**

**Leave me a review? Even though this chapter is from ages ago, I want to know what you think!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	3. The Maraudettes

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Three: The Maraudettes**

**First Uploaded: June 1****st****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 12****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the world of Harry Potter. I'm sure that I'm not the only one that wishes I did, though.**

The marauders waited for a moment as the machine selected the next story.

"Right," Sirius began. "so the description of this story is: **What if the marauders were girls? And all characters such as Snape, Lily and co. were of the opposite gender? Well, things would be different for sure! **Sounds interesting, don't you think?" Sirius said, amused.

"Yeah, I'll read it, shall I?" Peter suggested.

"Yeah, go ahead." Sirius said, moving over to give Peter access to the laptop. "I'm looking forward to seeing what we'll be like as girls."

**The Maraudettes**

"Oh, Merlin. Are they kidding me? MARAUDETTES?" James groaned.

The others nodded their agreement, and Peter added, "And it doesn't even make sense! Our name means something, Maraudettes is just plain stupid."

**were always the talk of the school.**

"Well, they've got that much right…" Sirius smirked.

**They always did something to make everybody gossip about them, whether it was Siria's**

"No, they didn't… Siria? SIRIA? You have got to be joking…. SIRIA? I mean, honestly. My parents named me after a star, and if they would have had a daughter, it would have been the same!" Sirius said, shaking his head.

**new boyfriend,**

"Wait, why am I the player, all of a sudden?"

"Well," James said carefully, "You do kind of go through relationships rather fast…"

Sirius smacked his arm. "I do not!"

"Pete, I think you should continue reading. Don't you think, Siria?" James said, smirking.

"Don't you dare…"

"Y'know, Moony, I think we have a new nickname for our dear Padfoot." James said, his smirk getting wider.

"Shut up!" Sirius scowled.

**Jamelina's**

Sirius burst out laughing. "JAMELINA? That's even worse then Siria!"

James was the one to scowl this time.

"Oh, smile your pretty smile, Jamelina, dear," Sirius said in a sing-song voice.

**quidditch skills,**

"Ha, at least they gossip about my talent, rather than my new hook-up!"

"At least I'm not called Jamelina in this story!" Sirius retorted, quickly wiping the smug grin of James' face.

**Remuna**

Sirius burst out laughing again.

"Remuna!" he chuckled.

Remus glared at him, something which Sirius had sadly become completely immune to back in third year.

**coming top of the class again**

"So it seems that whilst James and I do something useful, you only hook up with guys." Remus said, quickly shutting Sirius up.

"Moony, that just sounded really wrong…" Peter guffawed. Everybody turned to look at him before bursting out laughing.

**or the group pulling a prank.**

"What about me?" Peter asked, looking hurt.

**The girls were very good looking,**

"Oh, gosh, you don't think they turned us into Mary Sues?" Remus said.

"I hope not…" Sirius answered, looking at the device worriedly.

**but Siria was by far the hottest.**

"Naturally," Sirius said, smirking.

**She had long legs; perfect curves, beautiful hair and a smile that made boys fall to her feet.**

"Ha, see how hot I am, even as a girl!"

"Why did the author put that semi-colon in there?" Remus asked nobody in particular. "A comma would have been just as sufficient and-"

"Honestly, Moony," Sirius interrupted, "They are just describing my beauty and you have to ruin the moment."

**Jamelina was also very hot,**

"Why does she have to say 'hot' again? Can't she just say pretty, beautiful, sexy… Why does she insist on using the same word twice?" Remus said.

**with her long, brown hair and hazel eyes, and a body that was well trained from all her Quidditch practice,**

"Ooh-hoo! Looks like you're not the only hot one!" James gloated.

"Yeah, but they said that Siria was by far the hottest!" Sirius retorted.

"Guys, are you seriously debating who is hotter as a _girl_ in a FANFICTION?" Peter said, effectively shutting them up.

**but she was taken.**

James' eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. "Taken? Why?"

"Just let Peter continue." Sirius said. "You'll obviously find out in a moment."

**She was head over heels in a hot**

"Not again! Why not use a different adjective for once? Why always 'hot'?" Remus sighed.

**jock**

"What's a jock?" Peter asked.

"No clue…" Remus replied.

**from their year, Lilius.**

Everybody was silent for a moment when they heard the awful name.

"Lilius? Really?" Sirius said.

James however jumped up. "Did you hear? I'm with Evans in this Fanfiction! HA!"

"No, you're not. It says you're head over heels. That doesn't mean anything." Sirius said.

"It said I was taken!"

"Can I continue?" Peter interrupted. "It'll all become clear in a moment."

**Lilius hated her, though,**

"See?" Sirius interjected victoriously.

James scowled again.

**and her flirting all went for nothing. People often wondered why Jamelina didn't just give up on Lilius, because she could have had anybody else from their year.**

"At least I am popular." Said James.

**Lilius was a jock,**

"And we still don't know what that is…" Remus said, glaring at the ceiling.

**but not a quidditch jock,**

"Do you think the author is going to explain what that is? Or are we just expected to know?"

**but sort of a nerd.**

"And what's that?" Peter asked again, but the others shrugged.

**He was hot with red hair and green eyes, but he was very mean.**

"Lily is not mean, she's one of the kindest people I know. She is really helpful and nice- just not to me!" James said.

**He always talked down to people,**

"Well, that's just bullshit. Lily never talks down to people… except me."

**and he always rejected Jamelina. He was top of their class,**

"Well, at least they got one thing right…" James muttered.

"Wait a minute, didn't the author say a moment ago that I was the top of the class?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, good point!" said Peter.

**but he was still a man-bitch.**

"I have to disagree," Sirius said. "Lily definitely isn't a bitch, she's actually really nice (when she's not yelling at us for our pranks, that is),"

**The third marauder was Remuna, who was quiet yet hot.**

"So the author really insists that everybody is 'hot'. Nothing else, just hot." Remus said, shaking his head.

**She had a lovely shape, and a beautiful face, yet she was shy and never flirted with guys.**

"This is honestly the weirdest thing that's happened to me all week. Hearing myself being described as a girl is… odd, to say the least." Remus said, running a hand through his sandy-blonde hair.

**The last marauder was Peterlia.**

"That's the worst name so far! Honestly, why can't the author come up with proper names?" Remus said.

**She was ugly, fat and stupid and everyone hated her.**

Peter frowned. "Wait, why? What did I do to the author?" He asked, sounding hurt.

"C'mon, Pete, don't worry. We like you, and that's what counts." James said.

Peter didn't say anything, but he continued frowning at the device as he read.

**Lilius was friends with a girl called Severa. She was unpopular, because she had such bad hygene, and greasy hair and zits.**

"I agree with _that_." Sirius said. "It's the first thing I've agreed with so far in this story – apart from the fact that I'd make a really hot girl, of course."

**She was in Slytherin, and nobody understood why Lilius was friends with her.**

"Same here," James said, pointing at himself. "I really never understood why she hung around with him for five years. He's a git."

**Now, let the story begin.**

"So what was that so far? Just an introduction?" Remus asked.

"Obviously."

**"I'm bored," Siria announced.**

"Sirius' infamous sentence." James laughed.

For some reason, that had made Remus feel uneasy again. He had somehow managed to ignore the feeling in his gut that something was wrong with the whole thing, but now he felt bad again. How did the author know that Sirius was often bored, and had the habit of announcing it obnoxiously? How did the author know how they behaved? How they looked? He really would have to talk to Dumbledore.

**"Why don't you go and hook up with some guys?" Jamelia asked.**

"Do girls really say that to each other?" Sirius asked in surprise.

"Probably not, unless they're anything like you…"

**"I've already slept with all the guys in our year and the year above us**

Sirius' eyes widened. "What?" He asked. "Does the author really think that I sleep around so much? I have had five girlfriends this year, not twenty!"

"Calm down, Sirius." Strangely, it was Peter that said this. "It's just some girl writing this that doesn't know anything about us, really. Who cares what she thinks?"

"You're right, Wormtail. Who cares? We all know it's not true."

**(A/N: By the way, this is set in sixth year, guys!),**

"So the author just shoves that in there? She couldn't think of some subtle way of mentioning that? She had to put in an author's note? And not even at the beginning or the end, just slap, in the middle! And it's not even that relevant right now!" Remus said.

**and half of the guys in the year below us!**

"Would that even be possible?" James asked. "I mean, do you think, if someone tried to, could they do that?"

"Someone as hot as me could," Sirius smirked. "I mean, I'm not an arsehole," he ignored the pointed coughing that followed at this point, "so I wouldn't do that, but I probably could, if I wanted to."

"And he wonders why the author thinks he's the sleazy one…" James said in a loud whisper.

"Prat," Sirius grumbled, smacking James in the stomach.

**I don't want to sleep with the same guys twice, after all!** **And the other ones are too young…" She sighed.**

"At least girl!fanfiction!me has some morals." Sirius said. "Although I wouldn't put it past her… or me… but it isn't me because I'm not a girl… This is so darn confusing! Anyway, I'm glad that Siria isn't sleeping with third-years."

**"Shall we get drunk?" Jamelina suggested.**

"Because alcohol is always the answer." James said.

**"Nah, I don't feel like having a hangover tomorrow…"**

**"Shall we prank Snape?"**

"Wait, wasn't he called Severa?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, Wormy… Severa _Snape_." Sirius said. "Anyway, I'm glad that even as girls we'd still be awesome pranksters."

**"Nope."**

**"Shall we pull any prank?" Jamelina suggested, reading a quidditch magazine.**

"Why did the author only mention that now? Hasn't 'Jamelina' been reading one during this whole conversation?" Remus said.

**"Nah. I know!" She squeeled.**

"Except that 'squealed' isn't spelt like that." Peter said.

**"You can give me a mani-pedi, and we can gossip about boys and have a sleepover!"**

The boys just stared.

"You have got to be kidding me. Is that really what girls do in their free time?" Sirius said, smacking his face with his hand.

"Oh my goodness. This author is so shallow! I- I… I have nothing left to say about that." Remus said.

**"Yeah!" Jamelina sqeeled,**

"So we're both squealing now?" James asked. "I really hope that girls aren't really like this."

**jumping up. "And you can do my hair!"**

James blinked.

**"Cool!"**

**And they did just that.**

"Oh Merlin. That was such a terrible ending. I can't believe the author! And the idea was quite interesting, why did she have to make us all 'hot', shallow and stupid?" Remus said.

"I don't know. Shall we read the next one?" Sirius said, wanting to read a proper Fanfiction without him being a shallow girl... or a girl at all, for that matter.

"I'm in, definitely! It is weird, crazy and… weird, to read about yourself, but I like it." James said.

They waited for the machine to magically select the next story, eagerly anticipating what the next story might be like.

* * *

**A/N: This chapter is also known as '****_How to ruin a great story idea with sloppy writing_****'. They may read a ****_good _****gender-switch story in the future, but I can't promise anything for now.**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	4. The Tears of Hearts

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Four: The Tears of Hearts**

**First Uploaded: June 1****st****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 12****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: Hogwarts, Harry Potter and anything that can be associated with them doesn't belong to me. I know, it sucks.**

The laptop selected the next story, and Remus said, "I'll read this one, shall I?"

"Sure," Peter replied, moving away from the machine to give Remus space.

"It's called, **The tears of hearts, **and the genre is **hurt/comfort.** The title seems a bit fluffy, don't you think?" Remus said thoughtfully.

"Well, let's see the story before we start judging, okay?" James said.

**LILY POV:**

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"It means Point Of View. So Lily is officially the speaker right now." Remus said.

**I saw James hugging his new girlfriend, and I felt my heart break.**

"Ok-ay." Sirius said.

"When d'you think this is set?" James wondered. "And why is her heart breaking? I mean, I had a couple of girlfriends in fourth, fifth and sixth year, but Lily hated me back then."

"Hush, we'll find out in a second." Peter said.

**I realised that I was in love with James,**

"Oh-ho!" said James, grinning. "She's in love with me, did you hear that?"

**and that I had now lost him forever.**

James frowned. "Why?"

"You've got a girlfriend now, stupid!" Sirius said.

"Well, that's no problem. I can dump her."

**I ran off, tears dripping down my cheeks, and sat at the edge of the lake.**

"This is starting to sound a little over-the-top… Don't you think?" Remus said.

"Yeah…"

**I cried even harder when I realised that this was the place I had told James I would rather go out with the giant squib than him.**

James cringed, remembering that unpleasant day.

"Don't worry, Prongs, she's in love with you, remember?"

Remus had become worried again at that moment. _How does the author know about that rather nasty situation? _He didn't know how the others could be so casual about this whole situation, but it really bothered him that _several _authors knew all kinds of personal details about them.

**JAMES POV:**

"So now we're in a new point of view?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, obviously. It's mine, now." James said.

**I saw from the corner of my eye as Lily ran off. I turned and ran after her, the wind whipping through my hair.**

"No way. That's just so cheesy." Sirius said, shaking his head.

**The sun disappeared behind a cloud, and I felt as if time had stopped as I saw her by the lake, crying her eyes out.**

"This is like some sappy, badly written romance novel." Remus agreed.

**She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.**

"Well, that's true, but it sounds so… ick… when you say it like that!" said James.

**"Lily," I asked.**

"Wait, why does it say 'asked'? It's not a question! There is no question mark after the name! That's wrong." Remus said.

**She turned around, her eyes puffy, but that didn't diminish her beauty for a second.**

"Yeah, because everybody is beautiful when they are crying. Y'know, with the snot, blotchy, puffy eyes and runny make-up." Sirius said.

"I bet Lily is pretty when she is crying." James said.

Sirius stared at him, before saying, "I can't believe you just said that. You just sounded like your Fanfiction!self."

James only rolled his eyes.

**"Go away," she whispered.**

**I sat down next to her, and pulled her into a hug.**

"You know, I'd be a lot happier about the fact that we're hugging if the story wasn't so trashy." James observed. "I mean, it doesn't even see like it's us, apart from the fact that we're called 'James' and 'Lily'."

**LILY POV:**

"Why does the author insist on changing POV's so often?" Remus asked. "Why can't she just stick to one, or two, instead of swapping back and forth?"

**He pulled me into a hug, and I felt so safe and warm, there in his arms. I would have loved to freeze time, but I couldn't. All too soon, he pulled back.**

"Ha! She likes hugging me!" James said.

**JAMES POV:**

Remus groaned. "And another POV switch! I can't believe it!"

**I pulled back, because I didn't want to seem creepy after hugging her for so long.** **"What's wrong?" I asked her, my voice sounding so sincere it surprised me.**

"Right-O. That description is weird." Sirius said.

**LILY POV:**

Remus clenched his fists. "The author can't just have three sentences and switch perspectives! That is so disruptive for the readers!"

**_You, _****I thought, but I couldn't say that.**

**"Nothing," I mumbled, tearing grass up from the ground.**

**He took my hands in his big, warm ones, and said, "You can tell me, you know,"**

**I whispered, "I think I love you…"**

"This whole scene is just so cliché…" Peter said.

**As soon as I said it, I regretted it. He would see me as an idiot now, he would never talk to me again.**

"That's not true!" James protested.

**He had a girlfriend, after all, so why would he return my feelings? No… I had missed my chance.**

**He removed my hands from his, and my heart sank.**

Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I can't believe it! This is too cheesy to be real!"

**It skipped a beat when he placed them on my cheeks, and he whispered, "I love you too. I always have loved you, and I always will."**

Remus' jaw fell open. "The author can't honestly thing this is romantic? It's so overly cheesy and sappy, I can't believe it!"

**Then he kissed me.**

"WE KISSED!" James whooped, forgetting all about the bad writing and out-of-character-ness.

"James, mate, I hate to break it to you, but it's just a story…" Sirius said.

"Yeah, but the author thinks we are good together! That has to mean something!"

**After ten minutes of making out, we came up for air, all flushed and breathless.**

"Yeah, because it's not physically impossible to go without air for that long." Sirius said.

"Well, of course Padfoot would know…" James said, smirking.

**"Be my girlfriend?" He asked.**

**"Of course…" I replied, my broken heart mending after so long.**

"So, so long. Especially because it only broke a quarter of an hour ago." Remus said.

**Then we kissed again.**

"And that's the end," Peter said.

"I liked that story." James concluded.

"I didn't," Remus said. "It was overly-"

"Cheesy, sappy, boring and badly written, yeah, yeah, I know." James interrupted. "But Evans and I ended up together!"

"So far, only the first story we read has been remotely good." Remus said.

"Maybe Fanfiction is meant to be like that!" Peter said. "Maybe it's all about Mary Sues, recycled plotlines and bad writing!"

The others looked thoughtful.

"Yeah, maybe. But we don't know enough about it yet. We should keep on reading." James said.

"So another one?" Sirius suggested.

"Alright…" Remus agreed, albeit reluctantly. He definitely was enjoying the stories, even if they were badly written, they were interesting to say the least. However, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off about this whole situation.

* * *

**A/N: Yup. Bad, cheesy hurt/comfort stories. I couldn't resist. Sorry *-***

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	5. Why are my trousers on inside out?

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Five: Why Are My Trousers On Inside Out?**

**First Uploaded: June 1****st****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 12****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the world of Harry Potter, neither does anybody other than JK Rowling. I know we all wish we did, though.**

**Special Thanks Goes To: chocolatecheesecake, for this brilliant oneshot. Thank you for writing it for me!**

"Right," Remus said, looking at the next story. "So, this one is called **Why are my trousers on inside out**? And it's by **_chocolatecheesecake_**."

"That poor author! They're cursed with a name even worse than Sirius!" Sirius said, then he paused. "Actually, Sirius is a pretty cool name. I mean, I can make the best puns, and I love seeing people's faces when I introduce myself."

"Dumbass." Remus said, smacking Sirius' arm. "It's obviously not their real name, it's just a penname."

"Oh. Right." Sirius said stupidly.

"Shall I read the story?" James interrupted.

"Yeah, fine." Sirius grumbled, rubbing his arm.

**Sirius Black groaned and rolled over, shielding his eyes from the hazy glare of the morning sunshine.**

"Looks like you've got a hangover." Peter said.

**"For fucks sake Remus, just let me sleep…" He muttered, wanting to throw a shoe or something at his friend.**

"I often feel that way. I can completely relate to Fanfiction!me."

**"No, it's entirely your fault if you wanted to stay up all night stalking Lily with James."**

Peter and Remus turned to look at Sirius and James.

"We only did that once, I swear! And it was in third year!" James defended.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Continue reading…"

**Remus Lupin stuck his head around the drapes that failed to extinguish the light. "And for further reference, Lily hated it.**

"So would I, if I were Lily." Remus said.

**Then Marlene hexed you."**

"Who is Marlene? Do we know a Marlene?" Peter asked.

"Well, there's Marlene Price, she's about three years older than us, I think she married Jeff McKinnon a year or two ago." Sirius said. He saw the other three looking at him. "What? My family always drilled these things into my memory! You know, Purebloods have to know friend from foe, all that shit."

**"Damn that woman." Sirius muttered, glaring at Remus darkly. "Why didn't you talk me out of it?"**

"Ha - I've tried. It never works." Remus said.

**"Trust me, I tried Padfoot, I did try."**

"See?" Remus said.

**Remus sighed and shook his head, before ducking the bra that Sirius threw at him.**

"Wait. Why do you have a bra in your bed?" Remus asked, and Sirius shrugged.

**"Why do you have a bra in your bed?"**

Remus blinked. "Wow, that's spot-on!"

"Hm. I wonder why. Probably not from a girl, since you guys would skin me alive and then castrate me if I had sex with anyone in the dorm."

"Yes, we would." The other three replied simultaneously.

**"Oh, it's been there since we had the underwear war with the Slytherins."**

"Oh. Good."

"D'ya think it belonged to Snivellus?" James said, smirking.

"It had better not!" Sirius said, "Gross. Although Snivelly probably needs a bra for his huge man-boobs."

**Sirius yawned and stretched. "Although it might be Lily's, Prongs might of put it there as a joke."**

Everybody turned to stare at James.

"I swear I've never stolen Lily's underwear!" He said, raising his hands in defence.

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Really!" He said.

**Standing up, Sirius rubbed his eyes wearily and stumbled over to where he'd left his clothes the night before, which happened to be the other side of the room.**

"Why'd I leave it there?" Sirius wondered, but the others just shrugged.

**Why he'd left them there he had no idea, but he didn't really want to find out and it probably was just Prongs messing around again.**

"Oh," Sirius said. "Makes sense."

**He tugged on his shirt, lazily turning to Moony and trying not to keel over.**

"What does 'keel over' mean?" Sirius asked.

"Kneel over?" Peter suggested.

"Nope, it means to faint." Remus said. "I'm surprised that you all made it to seventh year with your lack of vocabulary."

"Why bother expanding vocabulary? You always tell us the words we don't know, anyway." James said.

**They didn't want a repeat of the time James and Peter "accidently" found Sirius lying on top of Remus,**

James raised an eyebrow at the two in question, who looked completely clueless.

"Wait, what?" Sirius asked.

"Yep, you heard correctly." James smirked. "Do you have anything you want to say for yourselves?"

**and before you jump to any sick conclusion Sirius was drunk.**

"Pfew…" Sirius sighed, "I had been really worried for a moment."

**And Remus was bored,**

"Remus lies underneath Sirius when he's bored. Interesting!" James said.

Remus glared at him. "Shut it, Potter."

**but that's another story.**

"Oh, that's a shame! I really wanted to know why Remus, a good, studious boy decided to lie underneath Padfoot when he's bored, and Padfoot is drunk." James said, the smirk still firmly in place. "I think that sounds very much like taking advantage of dear Sirius. Moony, I expected better of you."

"Fuck off." Remus grumbled. Remus only swore very rarely, and only when it was necessary. At the moment, Remus felt that it was very necessary.

"And we don't want to know!" Sirius added.

**"Prongs is asleep." Remus explained, answering the unspoken question. "And remember, they have waffles today in the Great Hall, and I know you love your waffles."**

Sirius perked up immediately, "I love waffles! Great, now I'm hungry."

**"WAFFLES!" Sirius was suddenly very awake.**

Sirius blinked. "Wow, it's uncanny how close to reality this Fanfiction is."

"It's definitely well written, and they have a much better characterisation of us than the other stories we read so far." Remus agreed.

**"I need to wake Prongs up, I don't want Snivellus to stick his greasy gob full of them!"**

**Chuckling to himself, Remus walked down the steps that led to the Gryffindor common room, and three very angry girls.**

"That's never a good thing!" Sirius said, shaking his head. "And I speak from experience."

**"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK THEY WERE DOING?" Lily Evans screeched, prodding Remus.**

"Oh, oh…" Peter said. "I wonder what you did."

"Didn't you listen? James and Sirius stalked Evans the whole night, and now they're going to yell at me, because, for some reason, everybody thinks it's my responsibility to babysit my idiotic friends." Remus said.

**"COOKING? CLEANING? HAVING AN EPIPHANY?"**

**"Calm down, calm down." Dorcas Meadowes**

"And who's that?" James asked.

"She was in the year above us, but she's left Hogwarts now." Remus answered.

"And how do you know that?" Peter asked.

"She was a prefect."

**soothed her friend, but still looked extremely angry.**

"Well, that's understandable." Remus said. "I'd be angry in their place, too."

**"I'm sorry, but I don't want three guys perving at me all night Remus,**

"I agree, Moony, it's understandable," Peter nodded.

**you need to work harder!"**

"Hey! Why is it my responsibility when these two idiots do something stupid?" Remus said.

**"Has Sirius noticed the hex I put on him?" Marlene McKinnon**

"So it is the McKinnon you thought." Peter said.

"Yeah, but her maiden name is Prince. Why would she already be married to McKinnon? It doesn't make sense."

"Since when does Fanfiction make sense?" James asked, sounding amused.

**asked, sounding mildly interested. "It's quite interesting, I read about it in a book somewhere."**

"Doesn't sound too good!" Peter said.

**"WHO CARES? JAMES BLOODY POTTER IS A DICK!" Lily shouted, making everyone turn to look at her.**

"Hey…! That's not very nice of her," James complained. "She's using American slang to swear at me!"

"So you don't care that she's swearing at you, just that she's doing so using American slang?" Sirius asked amusedly.

"I'm used to all her insults by now."

"You're a head case, mate."

"Thanks, love you too." James said sarcastically.

**"In case you didn't know."**

Sirius burst out laughing. The others stared at him, but he just shrugged.

"Well, it was funny!"

**"We all know, honey, we all know." Dorcas said calmly,**

"But what did I do to Dorcas?" James said.

"Stalk her friend all night? Just generally being an insufferable arse?" Peter suggested.

"Hey! You're supposed to be on my side." James complained.

**but shot a dirty look at Remus.**

"Again, not my fault my friends are idiots."

**"Remus John Lupin, you'd better pull your friend's socks up.**

"And _again, _I'm not responsible for them!"

**Because I am sure as hell sick of Sirius breathing down my neck every single bloody day."**

"So apparently you didn't only stalk them last night, but _every day_?" Peter asked.

"I'm not responsible for Fanfiction!me's actions!" James said defensively.

**Remus winced at the full name treatment as the three girls walked away.**

**Marlene glanced back, and grinned. "I hope Sirius likes his new fashion statement!"**

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked worriedly.

"Why are you worried to what happens to your Fanfiction self?" Peter asked him.

Sirius shrugged. "I can't help but feel a little protective of my Fanfiction!me. It's like… me, just… not."

"Well, that made sense, Einstein." Remus said sarcastically.

"Who's Einstein?"

"Never mind…"

**"Moony…" Sirius had appeared from behind him. "Why are my trousers on inside out?"**

The four marauders burst out laughing.

"I liked that one. It was well written, and it was funny. Although, it would have been a lot better if Evans hadn't hated me…"

"I enjoyed it, too. Let's just hope the next one is as good…"

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to chocolatecheesecake for writing this wonderful oneshot! Any other ones are welcome!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	6. Reymana- A badly written Sue

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Six: Reymana Starteller – A badly written Mary Sue**

**First Uploaded: June 2****nd****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 29****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: Plot twist… JK Rowling owns Harry Potter, not me! *le gaspe* I know, I know, it's shocking.**

"So, this one is called **Reymana Starteller**," Sirius said.

"Sounds suspiciously like a Mary Sue, don't you think?" Peter said, moving into a more comfortable position.

"Yeah, we'll see." James said. "Do you want to read, Moony?"

"Alright," Remus agreed, moving in front of the device.

**Hi my name**

"There should be a comma after 'Hi'," Remus said.

"Don't be such a grammar-nazi," Sirius said. "Now shut up and carry on reading."

**is Reymana Selwven Quenter Windowwer Songbird Derst Starteller,**

"That is the most ridiculous name I've ever heard." James said. "And we can safely assume that she's a Mary Sue."

Remus groaned. "I hate Mary Sues…"

**and I am a witch.**

"Well, that's just stating the obvious." Sirius said.

"Not necessarily, it could be about a muggle." Peter said.

"As if a Mary Sue could be something as 'simple' as a _muggle_!" James countered.

**My mum died, and I was sad cuz**

"That's a spelling error." Remus said.

"Merlin, Moony! Just keep on reading!" James said.

**she was rly**

"And another one!"

"Shut up, Lupin!"

**nice and stuff,**

"Great explanation: _My mum died, and I was sad cuz she was rly nice and stuff. _Anyway, why does she insist on saying 'and stuff'? Why? It's just bad writing." Remus sighed.

**but my dad hates me**

"Seeing as she is a Mary Sue, we can say that we assumed that." Said Remus.

**and he beats me and rapes me and stuff.**

"_And stuff_? It was bad enough once, but why does she insist on repeating it? And how can she be so casual with the topic of rape? That's just disrespectful to people that have really experience that!" Remus ranted.

**I couldnt**

"That's missing an apostrophe!"

**wait until Hogwarts becuz**

"Right, that's it. Who wants to read this? I can't, it hurts my eyes." Remus said.

"I'll do it." Sirius said, and Remus passed the device to him.

**my dad hates me and I want to go away**

"Ok-ay… So her dad kept her at home too? Like Sevella?" James asked.

#**fml ya know?**

"What does that even mean?" James asked. "I mean, what the hell is that symbol, and what does FML stand for?"

The others shrugged, but Remus looked livid. "She can't just shove something as random as that in there! It's practically… Against the rules of writing!"

"Calm down, Moony." James said.

**So I want to make friends cuz at my old school everybody hates me and stuff, becuz they think I am a freak and stuff.**

This time Remus actually stood up. "SHE CAN'T KEEP ON SAYING 'AND STUFF'!"

"Moony, calm down!"

After a little bit of soothing, Remus sat back down again.

James scanned the page. "Bad news, the Fanfiction is not even nearly over, and it only gets worse."

Remus muttered, "just stupefy me and release me when it's over," however his request was ignored.

**I am really pretty cuz my mum was really pretty,**

"That doesn't necessarily mean anything. There are pretty people with ugly parents, too." Peter said.

**but my dad is an ugly looser I hate him, #hate,**

"Again with the weird square/cross thing! Are we just expected to know what that means?" Sirius asked.

**cuz he is so mean to me. My hair is black wif pink and purple streaks I magiced it like that cuz it looks awesome.**

"Erm, right. And I don't even want to mention how many grammar and spelling mistakes there are in this." Sirius said.

**At ,my old scool pepes told me it was fucking awesome**

"I thought that everyone hated her!" Peter said.

**but they still hated me**

"Ah, okay."

**but whatever they are all totes loosers.**

"Right. They are all losers, why? Because they hated this Mary Sue with her black, pink and purple hair?" Sirius said.

**My skin is paler than Edward Cullens**

"Who's that?" James asked. "No, wait, let me guess- we're just supposed to know."

**#twilightreference,**

Remus started taking deep, calming breaths.

**(AN: OMG he is totes my idol I *heart* eddie!)**

Remus stood up, causing the other marauders to exchange nervous glances.

"Right, that's it. It's bad enough when authors randomly shove author's notes into a story, but at least those are usually relevant, such as when the story is taking place. This author has just shoved an A/N inside, and if that's not bad enough, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the story! It's like I just randomly write in my favourite food, or something! That is just bad, bad writing!"

The other marauders just stared at him.

He took a deep breath, and said, "okay, carry on reading, Padfoot."

**and my eyes are purple**

"Wait… What?"

Remus, who had somewhat calmed down, said, "Mary Sues often have freakish eye or hair colours. Oh, and they usually have some tattoos or scars or something."

**NO I DON'T WEAR CONTACTS**

"Right."

**they are natural and stuff.**

Remus took another deep breath.

**My body is totes hott,**

"Of course, since who would ever write about a character who doesn't have a perfect body?" James muttered.

"And she even misspelled hot." Sirius added with a nervous glance in Remus' direction.

**guys always stare at my boobies and stuff,**

"Because all guys are testosterone driven monsters." James said, shaking his head.

"Yeah. We're not all perverts, you know!" Sirius said to no one in particular.

**but this one guy raped me when I was ten.**

Remus clenched his hands into a fist. "How can she speak about rape so casually and randomly? I-I… I'm so done with this story. You know what? I don't even care anymore. This author is obviously beyond saving, so why even bother?"

**I love strawberries, so I tattooed one on my sholder my dad beat me when I came home but I don't care cuz the tattoo is so cool**

"She really does talk about rape and violence so casually." James said, shaking his head.

**:)**

"What's that supposed to mean? There's a closing bracket without an opening one!" Sirius said, pointing at the screen.

"Don't even try to understand what goes through the minds of authors like these." Peter said.

**I also have a tatoo on my left boobie**

"That is way too much information." James said.

**it is of a star**

"What?"

**cuz stars r cool.**

"Great reason. No, she didn't get a tattoo of a star because it is meaningful to her, or because it is symbolic in some way, no, she got a tattoo of a star _cuz stars r cool_." James said.

**I also hav my fave quote tattooed on my back.**

"Now this is just filler." James said, annoyed. "Why did we need to know that? Does it have any relevance to the plot? Any relevance to the story at all? Will you ever even mention the tattoo again? Nope? THEN WHY MENTION IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?" He finished, taking a deep breath.

**I was supiii**

James blinked.

**excites on the 1s t day of ogwarts,**

"Now that's just careless. Honestly, does she not read her work ONCE after she's finished with it? Not even once? Because Merlin knows she could use it!" James ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

**cuz I was gonna start my seventh yr at Hg, cuz I am a transfer student from america.**

**Oh btw I had no friends at my old school either cuz they dodnt liek me and stuff.**

"What a surprise…" James muttered darkly.

**#foreveralone haha jk (AN: SHE IS NOT A LOOSER YOUL SEE!1!)**

James glared at the laptop. "You know what, Moony, I think you're right. This author is simply too stupid to be real. I don't care what happens in this story anymore. I'm done with it. D-O-N-E." He said, then he sat back on the couch and folded his arms, shooting dark looks at the device.

**So I got ready and I was singing cool songs like by AngelDeath.**

"Odd name…" Peter muttered.

**My dad heard me singing, and beat me, but I didn't care.**

All of the marauders stared at the screen. Sirius was the one to break the silence, he just continued reading without commenting the horrible line.

**I pulled on a cool lacy bra and it was push up and I looked liek totes hott,**

"Again, why are authors so obsessed with describing the underwear of the character? And this time it's not to show her brilliant curves, since we were already told how 'totes hott' she is. This is just filler. We honestly don't need a detailed description of what she was wearing, or how she did her makeup! _We don't care._" Sirius said.

"I agree. And why do Mary Sues have to be dressed so inappropriately? I mean, tiny, revealing clothes aren't exactly what one is supposed to wear to school, so why do the authors insist? What's the point?" Peter added.

**and I wore a thong (alsoi lace)**

The marauders frowned at the device, but let it slide.

**and I wor a mini skirt that was leather. It showed a little of my butt and looked totes sexxxyyyyy!**

Sirius stopped reading for a second. "She doesn't really think that going on the Hogwarts Express dressed like that is '_totes sexxxxyyyy_', does she?"

**i wore a see-through lace top that didnt cover my stomak and looked rly rly hotttt Iwore leather gloves that still showed my fingers and my manicure was black with golden roses.**

"I can't read this anymore. Please, Pete, put me out of my misery!" Sirius said, handing the laptop to Peter.

**I put on my fav leathr high heal boots that reachedmy theighs and made my legies looked totes AWESOME and rely sexyyyy.**

"If looking like a prostitute is '_rely sexyyy'_, then sure." Sirius muttered.

**(AN: NO SHE IS NOT A BITCH THAT OUTFIT IS TOTeS COOL**

"No it's not."

**NO FLAMES PLS!)**

"What are flames?" Peter asked the others, but they just shrugged.

**I set off. I almoust got raped on my way to the train my some dude bt I ran away.**

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, whilst Sirius and James frowned darkly. Peter glanced at them nervously before continuing.

**On the train pepes were staring and 3 grls told me my outfit was cool.**

"Yeah, three brain-damaged girls, maybe."

**All the guys were getting hrd and stuff.**

**I saw a compartment with 3 totes sexxxy dudes in it, and I said "heyyy".**

"Oh, gosh, the dialogue is awful. I don't think I can do this." Peter said. "I can't understand why people would voluntarily read this rubbish."

"Are we not reading it voluntarily?" Sirius inquired.

"Well, the magical device will not chose the next story until we finish this one, and I want to read more."

**They were like "heeyyy dya wanna sit down" and stuff &amp; I was like "sure coolsie!"**

**So I sat dwn and we chatted and stuff and they were totes cool! There names were Serious,**

"Spelled S-E-R-I-O-U-S, by the way." Peter said nervously.

Sirius scowled. "I hate it when people do that! It's not funny!"

**James and Lupine.**

"So I'm just Lupin?" Remus asked.

"I think the author is under the impression that that is your first name." Peter said. "And it was spelt with an 'e' at the end."

**Serious said, "so who r u?" and I said, "I am Reymana but u can call me rey."**

**He said "lol like rey bans?" and we both laughed and stuff.**

"What are 'rey bans'?" Peter asked, confused.

"No idea," Remus said.

**I said "dya wanna come outsideand we can talk and stuff?" and he said "yeh cool.**

**So we wnet outside and he was totally staring at my ass**

"So I'm a pervert again. Yay." Sirius said sarcastically.

**and I laughed and said "liek wat you see?" and he was like "yeah course u r smokin hott babe."**

Sirius stared. "I would never, _never _say that. Ever."

**i said "I'm not ur babe." he said "wanna be?" and I said "sure" So we kissed and stuff.**

"You are so romantic, Padfoot." James said.

"Well, this is just entirely out of character. I think we already established that I don't fall in love with random girls I've just met, especially after just telling them my name. I don't know her at all! And secondly, I would never be such a perv. And thirdly, I would never ask a girl out like that! Puh-lease, give me a bit of credit."

**He said. "wanna go make out?" and I was like "sure" so we went into the baggadge place ya know? And it was totes hot and he kissed me with tounge and he said "babe u r so hot" and I said "I know!" (AN: SHE IS NOT STUCK UP, LOADS OF PEOPLE SAY SHE IS HOt, OK?)**

Sirius ran a hand through his hair. "I think we can safely say that we are all just waiting for this to be over, am I right?"

The others nodded.

**So then hesaid "babe wanna do it?" &amp; i said "ok sureeee"**

**And thn we did it. The end.**

"That was the worst piece of shite I've ever had the misfortune to encounter." Remus said.

"I agree," James said.

"Let's read another one, I really want to erase this from my mind forever." Peter said.

The other marauders agreed, and they waited for the computer to select the next story.

**A/N: I hope you all survived the first truly terrible story they've read! If you did, congratulations, and I hope I didn't scar anyone for life...**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	7. The Master Pranks

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Seven: The Master Pranks**

**First Uploaded: June 3****rd****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 29****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own Harry Potter. It's sad, really.**

"Right, this next one is called, "**The Master Pranks**, and it's by **Patronus12**. It doesn't include any description." Remus said hurriedly, shielding the laptop away from the others.

Sirius looked over Remus' shoulder, and smirked. "HA! The description is '**Go Padfoot!**'" he said smugly.

"The reason I didn't want to show you guys the description," Remus muttered to James, "is because all this Fanfiction describing him as 'hot' non-stop really isn't doing anything good for his ego."

"D'ya think the title is about me? It could have to meanings: the first one is that our pranks are master-class, the second one is that I am the master and I prank." Sirius said.

"You have three seconds to shut up."

"But I am a master in pranking-"

"Three-"

"And the summary is 'go Padfoot'-"

"Two-"

"So I'm guessing it's about me-"

"ONE!"

"Fine…" Sirius sulked. "But I get to read it!"

**"I'm bored," Sirius said.**

"Wow, that really is my infamous sentence."

**"That's nice," Peter said.**

"I like my reaction." Peter said. "I think I'll use it more often! I can picture it: 'I'm hungry!' Sirius will say, and I'll reply, 'That's nice,'. Or he'll tell me 'I want to prank Snape,' and I'll say, 'That's nice,'."

**"Wanna prank?" James suggested.**

**Sirius grinned evily.**

"Never a good sign." Said James.

**First, they got Dumbledore.**

"Dumbledore?" James asked. "Hm, we'd never get Dumbledore. McGonagall? Sure. Filch? Gladly. But Dumbledore? Not a chance!"

**No one knows what they did, or how they did it,**

"Usually the case with our pranks," Sirius said smugly.

**but during lunch, Dumbledore was standing on top of the staff table dancing the Macarena, covered from head to foot in an odd combination of raspberry pie, treacle tart, and pumpkin insides.**

This set off loads of reactions, all at once.

"Oh Merlin…" said Remus. "We'd be expelled for sure."

"What's the Macarena?" Peter asked.

"It's this really weird dance."

James replied, whilst Sirius said, "Treacle tart is too good to be wasted on pranks!"

"I wish we could do that in real life!" Peter said, a dreamy look on his face.

"I really wonder where these authors get these ideas." Said Remus, shaking his head.

**Next, they decided to do a prank call.**

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"It's when you pretend to be someone else when you call." James clarified. The other three stared at him. "What?"

"How do you know that?" Remus asked.

"My cousin, Sarah, and I called my aunt once pretending to be the Minister of Magic. Needless to say, she didn't believe it."

"And what's the point in that?"

"There's no point. It's for fun." James said.

"How do you even know how to work a telly-fone?" Sirius asked.

"My cousin showed me."

**They stole Lily's muggle phone and dialed Voldemort's**

Peter winced at the name.

**number.**

"Wait, Voldemort has a phone?" James asked.

**Yes, Voldemort has a phone.**

"How would you know, Sirius?" James asked, believing that his friend had just answered him.

Sirius laughed. "No, it says it in the story! I'm just reading it."

**"The Dark Lord speaking."**

"It would be highly interesting to hear Voldemort speak on the phone, but I doubt that he'd use such a muggle invention, seeing as he is so anti-muggles." Remus said thoughtfully.

"Remus, when will you learn not to try to see sense in Fanfiction?" Sirius said.

**"You suck!" Sirius barked into the phone.**

"And your originality always amazes me, Padfoot." James said.

"Shut it, I'm talking to Voldemort on Evan's phone. Are you that cool in this Fanfiction?"

**"Yeah Voldy, stop looking like such a constipated poo face**

James laughed, whilst Peter and Remus glanced around somewhat nervously.

**trying to murder people cuz some day you're gonna fail and die!" James laughed.**

Sirius and James chuckled, but Remus was looking a little worried and Peter had gone pale.

**Then Peter and Remus both blew a raspberry and hung up. Lily had just walked in.**

"Oh-oh,"

**"YOU GUYS! YOU STOLE MY PHONE AND SPIT ALL OVER IT!"**

"Why did we spit all over it?"

"When Remus and Peter blew a raspberry."

"That must have been one sticky raspberry." Sirius laughed.

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked, pointing at the three hyphens on the screen.

"It's a transition. So we're basically in a new scene now." Remus clarified.

**The Marauders smirked. Time for the third prank, and who is better to do it on than Snivellus?**

"Exactly." Sirius laughed.

**They snuck up behind him in the halls and screamed in his ear, "WANT SOME SHAMPOOOOO?"**

"We've done that before!" James said, high-fiving Sirius.

**Snape screamed like a girl**

"I must say, his reaction in this one is funnier than the one in real life." Sirius said.

**and proceeded to run in circles still screaming.**

"I'd pay to see that." James said. "It would make my day. No, my year. No, it would make my life."

**The Marauders used him as target practice for their silly string. Once Snape was covered in it, they ran up to him and started throwing bananas, tomatoes, and shampoo at him, screaming "BOTHER! BOTHER!"**

The marauders all laughed. "What d'ya think he'd do if we did that in real life?" Sirius asked James.

"Erm, hex us and report us to McGonagall?" James said.

"I like Fanfiction!Snape better…" Sirius grumbled.

**During the next hour, they did multiple things. They turned him green, decided they didn't like it, turned him purple, decided they didn't like that either, turned him a mixture of purple AND green,**

Sirius was struggling to read by now, because he was laughing so hard.

James was clutching his stomach, laughing so hard he could barely breathe, and even Remus and Peter were laughing loudly.

**shoved Veritaserum down his throat, forced him to answer a bunch of embarrasing and hilarious questions,**

Sirius couldn't read anymore, and he handed the laptop to Remus between chuckles.

**turned him into a sparkly pink unicorn,**

Sirius and James had tears of laughter running down their cheeks. "Oh, the mental images!" Sirius howled.

"Yeah- Snivelly as a pink unicorn!" James said, clutching his side.

"And- oh- those embarrassing questions."

"I wish they'd told us what they were."

"And him being pink and colourful!"

**and somehow made him skip away singing "It's a Small World After All"**

Even though none of the marauders had any idea what song that was, the thought of Snape singing made them laugh even harder.

**at the top of his lungs in a high pitched voice. To this day, no one knows how.**

**They were laughing so hard on the way up to the common room that night that they could only say one thing before going to bed.**

**Best. Prank. Day. EVER!**

Sirius wiped his eyes, and gave a few final chuckles. "I liked that one!" He said. "I like the way they portrayed Snivelly."

Remus rolled his eyes at him. "I think all this Fanfiction is bad for you- it's giving you bad ideas!"

"Me? Never!" Sirius said, folding his eyes. "But I really feel like hexing Snivellus right now, don't you, Prongs?"

"Yeah! Shall we go?"

Remus quickly said, "Oh, let's read another one!"

Sirius and James reluctantly sat down. Or, well, not so reluctantly, because they were both excited to read another story.

"Okay, so this one looks interesting…"

* * *

**A/N: So! That's the end of the chapter! A big thanks to Breeze from Patronus12 for this hilarious oneshot. Sirius and James really liked it!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	8. Sex Ed with Paris

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Eight: Sex Ed with Paris**

**First Uploaded: June 4****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 29****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the world of Harry Potter, nor do I own the (genius) oneshot they read in this chapter.**

**Special Thanks Goes To: Tabesco Lamnia Lammina Lamna for writing this hilarious oneshot, taken from their amazing story "Harry Potter and the Clichés of Doom". I replaced the characters so that they are from the marauders era, but the story is pure gold.**

_"__This one looks interesting…"_

"Why? Read the title and the summary!" Sirius commanded Remus.

"Well, the title is **Sex ed. With Paris**, and the description is **Dumbledore decides that the population of Hogwarts should no longer be ignorant, so he gets a ****_very _****special guest to teach them about birds and bees!**"

"Wait, why is the title 'Sex ed. With Paris?' shouldn't it be 'in Paris?'" James asked.

"Erm, either it's a grammar mistake, or…" Sirius trailed off, unsure.

"Well, shall we read it?" James asked. "I'll read, okay?"

**"What have we got first?"**

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked.

"Obviously they're referring to classes. Just keep reading, Prongs." Remus said.

**asked James around a mouth full of bacon.**

"Nice…" Sirius said, pulling a face.

**"Care of Magical Creatures," said Sirius, swallowing his eggs.**

"Nice…" James retorted, sticking his tongue out at Sirius.

"Real mature," Remus commented.

**"And then?" asked James.**

**Sirius glanced at his timetable and choked slightly.**

"I bet three galleons we have double potions with Slytherin." Sirius said, causing Remus to roll his eyes.

"I bet we have History of Magic with Slytherin." Peter said.

"I bet we have Arithmacy." James said, shrugging. "Although I don't take that class, it sounds tricky, and Fanfiction!me might take it."

Remus shook his head. "You guys really are thick. Honestly. It's so obvious!"

Sirius frowned. "Why, do you know?"

Remus nodded, but, before he could reply, James continued reading (before a full-fledged argument broke out between the two).

**James helpfully pounded him on the back until he stopped coughing.**

**"Thanks," wheezed Sirius, taking a large drink of Pumpkin Juice.**

**"So, what have we got?" said James.**

**Sirius didn't reply. Instead, he simply pushed his timetable towards his friend.**

**James grabbed the parchment and quickly scanned down the lists.**

**"Here it is!" he said. "Second class – SEX EDUCATION?!"**

The four marauders burst out laughing.

"But Hogwarts doesn't even have Sex Ed!" Remus said.

"D'ya really expect them to care?" Sirius said.

"Moony, how did you know what class it would be?" Peter asked.

"It was in the title…" Remus said.

"Oh - oops." Sirius said.

**The occupants of the Great Hall moved as one to stare at James.**

"That would look funny."

**James looked up in confusion.**

**"Since when do we have Sex Ed?" he asked.**

"What I've been wondering." Remus said.

**Dumbledore rose from his seat at the head of the Staff Table.**

"Enter: Dumbledore!" Sirius said.

**"Since today!" he beamed.**

The marauders laughed again.

**"Why?" asked James.**

**Dumbledore shrugged.**

"Great reason." Peter chuckled.

**"Shits and giggles," he replied.**

"I can just imagine Old Albus saying that," laughed Sirius. "I can picture it in my head. I would _pay _to see that."

**XXX**

**James looked around the classroom nervously. The entire sixth year was squished in the room and nerves were already being stepped on.**

"I can imagine…" Sirius said.

**Sirius checked his watch.**

**"They're late," he whispered.**

"Who's they?" Peter wondered.

"No idea…"

**James nodded.**

**Suddenly, the door opened. The class waited with baited breath for their professor to appear.**

**However, the person who entered the room was a far cry from what any of them were expecting.**

"I bet a galleon that it's Slughorn." Sirius said.

"I bet it's McGonagall." Said James.

"I think it's Dumbledore." Peter said.

"I say it's… Voldemort." Said Remus slowly.

"What?" Asked Peter.

"It's a far cry from anyone they were expecting." Remus replied simply.

**An extremely skinny young woman with blonde hair strutted into the classroom, carrying with her a tiny little dog in a pink jumper.**

"Does that sound like anyone we know?" James asked.

"Nope, or at least I don't know anyone like that," Sirius replied. "Honestly, both bets we've done so far have resulted in no one winning. What's the point in betting if nobody wins?"

**"Who the hell is that?" muttered Sirius.**

**"If you squint, she looks like a horse!" whispered James happily.**

James laughed.

**"Oh, and that hair is so totally bleached," said Lucius Malfoy, patting his own hair with satisfaction.**

The other three marauders also started laughing.

"Wait a moment," Sirius said, "Malfoy's three years older than us!"

"Nobody cares, Sirius."

**"Like, OMG!" said their Professor. "Isn't this hawt?!"**

"I don't even know why this is so funny." James laughed. "I really don't know – but it's hilarious."

**"Who are you?" asked Remus.**

"Exactly what I was wondering." Remus said.

**"You, like, don't know who I am?" said the woman angrily.**

"Nope!" said Remus, amused.

**Remus, along with the majority of the class, shook their heads.**

**Their professor pouted and then quickly crossed her ankles and put one hand on her hip.**

**"Paris Hilton," she smiled.**

"Who's that?" Sirius asked.

"No clue." Remus said. "But she sounds dumb, and superficial."

**"DIE!" cried Lily Evans from the back of the classroom, pointing her wand at the blonde.**

"Lily Evans kicks butt." James laughed.

"Go get her, Lily!" Sirius yelled.

**But, to her shock, the spell simply dissolved, leaving Hilton untouched.**

"Wait, what?"

**"Yeah, right," said Professor Hilton,**

"I love how she's immediately become 'Professor Hilton'," said Sirius.

**"there's, like, wards and stuff in here. Duh."**

"Duh." Peter repeated, chuckling.

**Lily blocked her ears.**

**"LA LA LA LA LA!" she sung loudly. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"**

"This is good!" Remus said, laughing.

**"Like, whatEVA," sniffed Hilton.**

**"You're the one teaching us Sex Ed?" asked Peter, sounding as though he was dreading the answer.**

"Yep, I would be!" Peter said.

**Hilton beamed.**

"Oh-oh!"

**Peter shrunk down in his chair.**

**"OMG! Like, totally!" beamed the professor. "Let's have a practical! Like, right now!"**

Sirius cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Do you, um, think that the author is going to describe it?"

Nobody answered, so James hesitantly read on.

**The eyes of the sixth years widened to a size that had previously been thought physically impossible.**

**Professor Hilton flicked her hair and posed.**

**"Any volunteers?"**

"I think Moony will." Sirius said.

"Why would I volunteer?" Remus asked.

"I sense a pattern. I just know it." Sirius said.

"Oh, the same way how you _just knew _and won your other bets?" asked James with a smirk.

"Prat." Said Sirius, whacking James in the stomach.

**Remus began wondering if he could break through the window.**

**Hilton scanned the rows of students.**

**"I pick …" she drawled, "you!"**

"REMUS!" shouted Sirius.

"JAMES!" shouted Peter.

"MALFOY!" shouted Remus.

"EVANS!" shouted James. The others stared at him.

"What?" he shrugged. "It'd be totally hot!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It'll be Remus. Just trust me on this."

"What makes you so sure?" Remus asked.

"I know how these author's minds work." Sirius said.

Remus rolled his eyes. "As you've already proved when you correctly predicted everything else in this story."

"Shut up," Sirius said. "Anyway, I'll get the last laugh when you're forced by the teacher to embarrass yourself."

**She beamed and placed her hand on Sirius' shoulder.**

"HA! YEAH!" Remus shouted, punching the air.

"Nooo!" Sirius cried in despair. "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"

Peter and James were laughing so hard that James fell off the couch.

"Sorry, mate," he managed to choke out. "Looks like the universe hates you."

Sirius crossed his arms and pouted.

**All four Marauders raised their wands and pointed them at their Professor.**

"Phew," Sirius said. "Thank Merlin you guys are such loyal friends."

The other three scowled.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"Psh. It was be a lot funnier to see you embarrassed by the sex education teacher." James said.

**Hilton withdrew her hand hastily.**

"Shame…" Peter smirked.

"I hate you guys." Sirius with a pretend sniff.

**"Not hawt," she pouted, "whatEVA. Where's my dawg?"**

"And that means…?" James asked.

"Her dog. It's slang." Peter said. "Do you think it's a codeword for Padfoot? Maybe we'll see him embarrassed after all!"

"I think I need new friends." Sirius said.

**Bellatrix paled.**

"Wait, why is Bellatrix in our class?" Sirius asked. "She's two years older than us!"

The others shrugged.

"I hope this isn't going where I think it is…" Remus mumbled.

**Avery covered his eyes.**

**Hilton dragged the dog out from underneath her desk**

"As in, a dog that _isn't _Padfoot?" Peter asked.

"Yes." Sirius said firmly.

**and began rummaging around in the handbag attached to its collar.**

"Thank goodness, I thought for a moment…" Peter trailed off.

"Don't be too relieved yet," Remus warned them. "The chapter isn't over yet!"

**The class breathed a deep sigh of relief.**

**"Hawt!" announced Hilton, waving a small disk above her head.**

**"What's that?" asked Sirius nervously.**

**"Like, my new, totally hawt, DVD!"**

"What's a DVD?" Peter asked.

The other three shrugged.

**proclaimed Hilton. "Ten Guys Go To Paris!"**

**Fabian Prewett threw up.**

"Why's Fabian in our class? He's a year older than us."

"Sirius, when will you learn that these authors don't care?"

**Hilton quickly inserted the disk into the conveniently located DVD player.**

**Remus raced across the room, and, with a leap to shame a toad, jumped through the glass window.**

"Oh," Remus said.

**"Great Merlin!" exclaimed Narcissa Black. "We're nine stories up!"**

"Looks like you died, Moony," Sirius said casually. Remus glared at him.

**But the class was distracted from the fate of their classmate by the opening music of the DVD.**

"I feel so touched." Remus said dryly.

**"Save me, daddy," whimpered Lucius Malfoy.**

Sirius opened his mouth, but James cut him off. "Yes, Sirius, we know that Malfoy isn't in our class. You don't have to say it."

"Actually, I wanted to say that I would like to see Lucy Malfoy calling for his father," Sirius said indignantly.

**Lily jumped onto her desk.**

**"Quick!" she exclaimed. "If you value your innocence, your sense of naivety,**

The marauders snorted.

**and your breakfast – kill that woman!"**

"As always, Evans comes to the rescue." James chuckled.

**Hilton laughed.**

**"Like, you can't!" she said.**

**"We can't use magic!" cried Bellatrix. "We can't defeat her!"**

**Lily pointed at Hilton dramatically.**

**"Use the chairs!"**

"See?"

**Hilton began to look nervous as the sixth years rose and picked up their chairs.**

**"Not hawt," she whispered, stepping slowly towards the door.**

**"Attack!" cried Lily.**

**"EEEEEEE!" screamed their professor.**

"Merlin, I'd love to see this." James said, chuckling.

**XXXXXX**

**Professor Dumbledore tapped his glass for silence as he stood.**

**"I'm very sorry to announce the death of our Sexual Education professor, Miss Paris Hilton," he said gravely,**

"So we killed her?" asked Peter doubtfully.

Remus shrugged, and said, "I guess…"

**"it appears that while attempting to run from her classroom she tripped and fell, causing all of her arms and legs to fall off."**

"Woah… Is that possible, Moony?" James asked.

Sirius was the one to answer. "Everything's possible in Fanfiction…"

**The Headmaster looked seriously at his students over his half-moon glasses.**

**"We don't know why she was running," he said, "but take this as a warning to you all: it is not hot to not eat."**

"So she was so thin all her arms and legs fell off when she tripped. That clears up a lot!" Remus said sarcastically.

**The students all nodded solemnly.**

**"Poor Paris!" wailed Professor Binns, attempting to stroke the recently decesed's dog.**

"Now _that's _a mental picture." James laughed.

**Remus (who had managed to survive the fall with a few scratches) raised an eyebrow.**

"So I didn't die." Remus said. "Yippee."

**"Whimper," said the dog.**

"Oh, the infamous dog survived too." Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

**Sirius rolled his eyes.**

"I liked this Fanfiction!" Sirius decided.

"Yeah, it was amusing," Remus agreed.

"Let's read the next one!" Peter said, eager for more.


	9. Vamp-tastic

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Nine: Vamp-tastic**

**First Uploaded: June 5****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: April 29****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: I know nobody really reads these, but even so I must say it: I own nothing you recognize and everything you don't.**

"So, this next one is called **Vamp-tastic**, what do you think?" Remus said.

"Bring it on!" Sirius said, stretching on his bed.

**My name is Dakota Moonstar Johnsen Dracula Blood-red Drake.**

The marauders groaned. "Great, another Mary Sue…"

**Don't blame me for my hideous name, it was my idiotic father that named me like that.**

"Wait, she's starting to sound less Sue-ish, don't you think?" Peter said.

**It was vampire**

"Vampire?"

**etiquette to give your children stupid, long, 'meaningful' names,**

"Sounds like my family and their names," Sirius said. "Stupid tradition, if you ask me."

**like we were living Mary Sues, or something.**

Four jaws fell open.

"Wait, did it really say that?" Remus asked in surprise.

"Yep," James, who was reading, replied. For good measure, he reread the sentence.

"Awesome." Sirius said.

**This is my story. The tale begins on September the first, 1977…**

**As I walked down the platform on platform 9 and three quarters, I glanced around nervously. It was my first day at Hogwarts, and I was going to start my seventh year. I was from America, but when my dad moved here, I needed to come too.**

"So far, it's surprisingly normal!" Sirius said. "Except for the transfer student bit that seems to be so popular in the Fanfiction universe, it seems good!"

**My mum was dead,**

"Oh, I spoke to soon. Will she turn into a Mary Sue?" Sirius wondered.

**my dad had killed her.**

"Wow, this just got a lot more complicated." James said. "So her dad is a murderer that killed her mum… Uh, interesting."

**He was a vampire,**

"Oh."

**and, one day, she had cut herself on a piece of glass, and he couldn't help himself- he bit her.**

"Well, as barbaric as this seems, it's better than him being a human murderer. Like this it's clear that he can't help himself." Remus said, thinking of himself in werewolf form. He would feel terrible if he would kill someone by accident, but he knew that he wouldn't have been able to help it. He would never be able to forgive himself, though.

**She had not survived the transformation into a vampire, she had died.**

**I couldn't tell anybody what I was- a half-vampire.**

**I had begged my dad to not come, he would attract too much attention.**

"I'm not surprised, imagine standing there with a vampire, and being all 'bye dad.'" Peter said.

**So, now I had been forced to come alone.**

"Well, technically, if she told her dad not to come, then she wasn't 'forced' to come alone."

"That's nit-picking, Moony," Peter said. "Anyway, she _was _forced, because she _wanted _her dad to come, but he couldn't because he'd attract too much attention."

**I saw an attractive blond standing on the platform.**

"Oh, I really hope she doesn't turn into a Mary Sue, I was beginning to like her." James said.

"Why would she turn into a Mary Sue if she saw an attractive blond?" Peter asked.

"Because then the blond would start hitting on her, and she would have really complicated love triangles and…" he trailed off. "I just hope he doesn't turn her into one."

**_Yummy, _****I thought.**

"Am I the only one who thinks this is kind of disturbing seeing as she's a vampire?" Peter inquired.

"Nope, I noticed too." Sirius said. "And she's a half-vampire."

"Nit-picker," muttered Peter.

**I was immediately horrified with my thoughts, and I mentally slapped myself.**

"Ah, and it seems like she noticed too."

**He saw me staring at him with a hungry glint in my eyes,**

"Creepy,"

**and immediately took it the wrong way. He gave me a seductive smile**

"Don't turn into a Sue," James begged the device.

**(that made me want to retch)**

"Phew,"

**and came over.**

"Crap."

**"Hello," he said in a silky voice. He was attractive, but as soon as I caught a wiff of him, my mouth began to water.**

**I had never been in a place with so many humans, so I was having trouble controlling my hunger.**

"I thought, when she mentioned the fact that she was a half-vampire, that the plot would be dull, but this is surprisingly good writing. For a Fanfiction, I mean." Remus said.

"I agree." Said Sirius. "It's certainly a lot better than some of the stories we've come across."

**"Hello," I replied, trying my best to not breathe in his delicious scent.**

**"Who are you? I've never seen you around, and if I would have, trust me, I would remember." He said, running a hand through his platinum hair.**

"I think this is Lucius Malfoy," Sirius said. "I bet a galleon that it is."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? I mean, after the last couple of bets you made…"

"Sod off. Anyone?"

"Fine," Peter said, sighing resignedly. "I bet it's… uh… but we don't know anyone else with platinum blond hair!"

"Exactly." Sirius said smugly.

**"Dakota," I managed to choke out.**

**"Lucius Malfoy,"**

"Ha! What did I tell you?" Sirius said, punching the air. "Hand me the galleons." His request was met with blank stares. "What?"

"Nobody bet against you, prat." James snorted.

"Wormtail did!" Sirius said, holding his palms out for Peter to place the galleons into.

"Peter, don't give him the money." James said as Peter reached inside his pockets.

"I hate you." Sirius grumbled.

**he said smoothly, stretching his hand out for me to shake.**

**I stared down at it. I quickly calculated the risks. ****_If I shake his hand I might not be able to control myself, and I can't go to Hogwarts._**

Remus frowned. "I don't like that train of thought. _If I can't control myself I can't go to Hogwarts. _How about the fact that you KILL SOMEONE if you can't control yourself?"

**_If I don't, he will hate me._**

"Wow, I wonder what to do… Risk him hating me or risk me killing him…" Remus said sarcastically.

**I quickly grabbed his hand, shook it once, and dropped it. He looked very confused, but quickly managed to conceal it.**

**"So, sweetheart," he said twirling a strand of my black hair around his finger.**

"Oh no, she's sounding Sue-ish again!" James said.

"Shut up, James! Just trust the author to not make Dakota into a Sue."

**I wanted to move away, I mean, what kind of a creep was he?**

"See? The author obviously hates Sues, and is sort of making fun of them."

**I had only just met him!**

**Thank goodness, I was saved. Four boys were walking along the platform, laughing.**

"Enter: The Marauders."

**One, a good looking one with grey eyes, winked at me.**

"Great, I'm a flirting player again." Sirius grumbled.

"Hey, who was telling me about trusting the author?" James said.

**I tried not to glare at him, and I tried to stop the fantasies starting.**

Sirius smirked. "Dakota, sweetheart, I have that effect on girls. Don't worry, you're not the only one who has fallen to the charms of Sirius Black."

**It wouldn't be a good idea to think about drinking his blood,**

"Such romantic fantasies, Padfoot." James laughed.

"So she's fantasizing about drinking his blood?" Peter asked.

"Yep. Padfoot can have that effect on girls, you know."

Sirius scowled.

**I might lose control. Wouldn't want to kill anybody on my first day, after all.**

"Her intelligence astonishes me." Remus said.

**"Malfoy, lay off her, you creep!" a brown haired one with hazel eyes yelled. He was immediately my new hero.**

"Why, thank you!" James said, puffing his chest out proudly.

**Malfoy (I had forgotten his first name already), stepped back and glared at the four boys.**

**I was worrying that a full-fledged fight might break out, but some of Malfoy's friends called him over.**

**"Thanks!" I told my new best friends.**

"Wait, what?"

**Not.**

"Okay, good." James said. "No matter how cool this chick is, it's a bit much to call us best friends after three minutes."

**But still, they were pretty cool.**

"Aw, thanks!" Sirius said, pretending to be bashful.

**"Hey, anytime!" Sirius told me, giving me another wink. Gross.**

James burst out laughing. "Yeah, she really likes you, Sirius. Not."

**_Okay, the other three are my best friends. This guy is a total, flirting, gross, delicious smelling creep. _****I decided.**

Sirius' scowl deepened.

**"So, what's your name?" asked one sandy haired guy.**

**"Dakota Drake." I told him, smiling a closed-lipped smile. After all, if I would give him a proper smile, my pretty little fangs ****_might _****just pop out. We wouldn't want any accidents, after all.**

"I like her." James said. "She isn't a Mary Sue, she is sarcastic, witty and a half-vampire that doesn't fall head over heels in Padfoot."

**"Hey, Dakota," the good looking, nice smelling creep said.**

**_Is that dude retarded? _****I thought. ****_He said 'hi' to me already, and he's saying it again?_**

"I don't like her." Sirius decided. "She is being really mean to me!"

"Yeah, only because she is the first female OC to not fall in love with you immediately." Remus said.

**"Hey," I said, raising an eyebrow. He looked taken aback.**

**_Obviously he always gets what he wants when it comes to girls. _****I thought.**

"HA! Spot on, Dakota!" James said.

**"So, d'ya want to find a compartment to sit it, with us?" James asked.**

**"Sure!" I said, grabbing my trunk with false cheeriness. It was super heavy, but I also had super-strong vampire arms, remember.**

**"Didn't your parents come?" the first one asked.**

**_Stupid prat needs to learn to mind his own business. _****I thought.**

"I'm starting to think that she fancies me, and is just in denial." Sirius said thoughtfully.

The other three exchanged looks.

"He just wants to make himself feel better," James whispered loudly to Remus.

**"No," I said, without any further explanation.**

**He looked surprised, and I felt inexplicably happier. ****_Being mean to humans is one of my favourite past-times, _****I thought. Actually, it wasn't, this was the first time I had attempted it. However, it was fun, so I decided it would be.**

"That's not very nice, though." Remus said. "But I'll agree if she puts Padfoot in his place."

"I'm starting to think that I need some new friends." Sirius said.

**I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror,**

"Don't be a Mary Sue!"

**and winced. I was a lanky**

James breathed a sigh of relief. If she didn't have perfect curves, she wouldn't become a Sue anytime soon.

**seventeen year old half-vampire, with too-pale skin and black eyes that flashed red when I was angry. No, it's not cool. If I ever get angry, people think I'm a psychopathic freak. I would rather have nice, normal blue eyes. In fact, I'd rather not be a half-vampire, but, alas, we can't always get what we want.**

"I'm liking her more and more."

**Unlike my mother, who had been beautiful, I was only mildly pretty. My lips were nice and red, but other than that, I had no really cool features. The only reason why boys liked me was because there was something mysterious and attracting about me.**

"Makes sense, seeing as she isn't a Mary Sue, but Malfoy still flirted with her."

**I sighed as I looked around at the four boys I was sitting in a compartment with. I missed my old friends already.**

**It was going to be a long year…**

"And that's the end." James said. "No, wait, there's still an author's note!"

**A/N: Next time, see how Dakota likes Hogwarts, see Sirius' fruitless attempts at flirting with her,**

"Look forward to that,"

**and see a very surprising opening feast!**

"Doesn't sound half bad!" Peter said.

"Shall we read another story?" Sirius asked.

"No. It's nearly midnight, and we have classes tomorrow." Remus said. "Let's read more tomorrow afternoon"

The other three looked disappointed, but it was true, they needed to go to class tomorrow.

"Fine," said Sirius, and he carefully closed the laptop, picked it up, and trudged up the stairs.


	10. MOTHER?

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Ten: MOTHER?!**

**First Uploaded: June 6****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: August 3****rd****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would have written a marauder-mini series. Since that didn't happen, I'm not JK Rowling, thus Harry Potter doesn't belong to me.**

**NOTE: This oneshot is dark. Not funny. Sorry!**

Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly. The four marauders had not been able to go to sleep for a long time, even after they had gone to bed. Especially Remus, who had been tossing and turning until dawn. He had not been able to wrap his head around the fact that they had somehow been given a futuristic device, not to mention the fact that there were stories about them.

"Fermis Drachum," he mumbled to the fat lady. She swung forward to reveal James and Sirius having a rather loud argument.

"I can't believe you told her!" Sirius shouted at James.

"Why shouldn't I? Those stories are just as much about her as about us!"

"Yeah, then why don't you just go and tell Snivellus as well? He's in them too!"

"Well, _sorry _if I-"

"What's going on?" Remus interrupted.

Sirius started talking before James could even open his mouth. "_James _told Lily about the stories. He spent the entire free period explaining everything to her, whilst I was doing homework!" Remus raised an eyebrow. "Erm, I mean, whilst I was copying your Trasfiguration essay!"

"So, what's the problem?" Remus asked.

"But- well- I mean…" Sirius spluttered.

"I know Lily, and I know that she wouldn't report us to Dumbledore. I also know that she would enjoy reading those stories as much as we do. In fact, I think we should read them now, with her." Remus said evenly.

Sirius started to protest, but Remus and James had already marched up to the dormitory.

Once they were in the room, Remus carefully took the laptop from the table, and put it in his bag.

"Let's find Lily." He said.

Meanwhile, Sirius stubbornly sat in one of the couches in the common room. Peter, who was very confused, due to the fact that he had only entered the common room a couple of minutes ago, and had thus missed the big argument, sat down as well, knowing better than to prod for details.

A moment later, Lily walked through the portrait hole with a few of her friends, when she spotted Peter and Sirius and went over to them.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi." Sirius replied, refusing to look at her.

Thankfully, before the situation got any more awkward, James and Remus walked down the stairs. The two boys walked over to the group.

"Hi Lily!" Remus said cheerfully. He turned to the others. "Shall we go to the empty classroom on the fourth floor, near the tapestry of Ulk Umbert's adventures?"

The others agreed (no matter how angry Sirius was, he didn't want to miss out on any of the stories).

* * *

"So, Lily, I trust James explained the situation to you?" Remus asked.

Lily nodded. "And he gave me a _detailed _description of each story. So, yes, I know about Fanfiction now."

"What do you think?" Remus asked.

"It's odd, isn't it? I mean, why would people write stories about us? And how do they know such details about our lives now?"

"I think that we're probably famous in the future." Sirius said, setting aside his anger. After all, if he had to choose anybody aside from the marauders to know about the device, it would be Lily. Besides, what good was it holding a petty grudge and missing out on the fun?

Lily laughed. "Well, let's hope that's the case. Anyway, are we going to read a story now? I'm quite curious."

"Yes! This story is called **Mother?!**, and it lists Remus and Lily as the protagonists. I'll read it, shall I?" Peter said.

**Remus Lupin woke up on a Monday morning in July.**

**"Mummy?" he asked sleepily.**

"I don't call my mum 'mummy', I promise!" Remus said when the others looked at him.

**Lily Lupin**

"Remus, you had better not be married to Lily in this!" James said, looking pointedly at Remus.

"Hey," Remus said, raising his hands in defence. "I think we established that we can't help who we are in Fanfiction!"

**came into the room. "Hello, munchkin!"**

"Oh my gosh… The horrid pet names!" Sirius said, wincing.

**"Mourning, Mummy!"**

This took a moment to sink in.

"Wait a moment, so Lily, who is younger than me, is suddenly my MOTHER?" Remus asked.

"Seems like it…" Peter said hesitantly.

"Oh. I see. And, not to mention the fact that that would be absolutely impossible, I seem to have _really _weird pet names for you." Lily said. Although James had given her an exact description of the stories the others had encountered, she had not been fully prepared for this.

**"I'll go and make you a cup of tea!" she said, giving him a quick kiss on the head.**

"This is just _so _weird." Lily said.

**It might seem weird that Remus Lupin was seventeen years old, exactly the age that Lily Lupin looked.**

"Yes, that is weird. Very weird, in fact."

**Lily was in fact over eighty,**

"Wait, what?" Lily said.

"Lily, it's Fanfiction. We've learned to just go with it. The authors usually explain it, and if they don't, it doesn't really matter, anyway." Sirius said.

**but, thanks to magical resources, she still looked like a young girl.**

"I know that it's possible to magically make yourself look younger, but I really doubt that it would be possible for an eighty year old woman to look like a seventeen year old." Lily said.

**She was very protective of her little 'Remi-poo',**

Remus winced at the ridiculous pet name.

**in fact, she had insisted on going to Hogwarts as well, so that she could watch him 24/7.**

"You are a really creepy mother." Sirius said, looking at Lily.

"Hey, I thought we agreed that we have no influence on what these authors write about us." Lily said.

"I still wouldn't let you have my children." Sirius said.

Lily snorted. "Luckily that isn't an issue…"

**If a girl ever even dared to look at her 'baby sugarplum', Lily quickly ****_took care _****of them.**

"That… That sounds really scary, Lily." James said.

"Is it only me that has the impression that Lily 'offs' Remus' love interests?" Peter said.

"I think that that's what the author is trying to convey…"

"Lily, are you or are you not my secret mother?" Remus asked seriously.

"I- er, I'm not!" Lily said.

"Good." He said with a straight face. When he saw Lily's confused expression, though, he burst out laughing. "Don't worry, Lily. I'm messing with you." He told her.

**If a teacher dared to give her 'dolly pie'**

"These pet names are just getting worse and worse." Lily said.

**any trouble, she quickly made sure that they ****_couldn't do that anymore._**

"Wow. So Lily is a stalking, over-protective, psychopathic mother." Sirius said. "Are you having second thoughts yet, James?"

"Piss off." James said, shaking his head.

**Now, Lily was starting to worry about her 'little sugarquills' friends. She thought they were being a bad influence, so she had decided to ****_put a stop_**** to that.**

"Oh gosh. Lily, are you planning to kill us?"

"I'm not, no, but you'd better ask Fanfiction!me." She said.

**"Re-re!"**

"I think I just vomited a little inside my mouth." Remus said.

**she called. Her son came down the stairs. "I made you breakfast!" she told him, giving him a hug. "Honey-bunny,**

"Lily, take a piece of advice: Never, I repeat, _NEVER _try to give anyone pet names." Sirius stated.

"If I ever have kids, I swear that I'll not call them any of the thus far mentioned." Lily said, suppressing a smile.

**I really want you to be a good boy today. I want to ask you something: ****_where are your friends_****?"**

"Don't tell her, Remus!"

**Remus replied innocently, "Well, Sirius and James are at James' place, and Peter is in Spain."**

"Pfew, I'm in Spain. Finally a Fanfiction that doesn't hate me, kill me or casually forget to mention me." Peter said.

"What about us? A eighty year old, psychopathic Lily is coming to kill us!" James said.

**Lily was silent for a moment. "Erm, thanks, my little Babymaby." She went upstairs, taking her ****_emergency kit_**

"Oh, oh."

**out of the secret corner of her closet.**

**She pulled on a pair of leather gloves, and took her razor-sharp knife out of the kit.**

"This is where she turns into a real psycho." Peter warned them. "I, uh, don't think we should continue."

"I second that…" Lily said. "I can't tell you how weird it is to read about myself like this…"

"Sorry, no-can-do, sweetheart." Sirius said. "You have to finish reading one if you want to see the next one!"

**She ran her index finger along the blade,**

"Oh my gosh. I'm really freaking myself out right now." Lily said.

**creating a small, red cut, with drops of blood flowing out.**

**She put her finger to her nose, and inhaled deeply.**

"I am beginning to regret James telling me about all this Fanfiction. I think I'm losing sanity already." Lily said nervously.

"I'm sorry that you had to start with such a creepy, dark one. Some of them are great, really." Sirius said. "They can be super amusing."

**Then she put her finger in her mouth, and sucked on it, her eyes closed in bliss.**

Everyone looked disturbed, especially Lily.

**"Mum?" Remus' voice came from downstairs.**

**"Coming, my delicious pumpkin pie!"**

"She _had _to say 'delicious pumpkin pie' whilst she was sucking on her own blood through a wound she created." Peter said. "I really don't like this one."

**She stuffed the knife into her handbag, and put the gloves in as well. Using her wand, she repaired the cut on the index finger of the glove, and healed her wound.**

"Erm, right. The next part is really dark. I think I'll just read it quickly." Peter said, looking worried.

**When she ****_took care of people_****, she didn't use bloodless spells. Those were not satisfying enough for her. She wanted to see that blood flow from the wounds, she wanted to see the mangled body after she was finished with them. She wanted to see them scream in pain, she wanted to hear the flesh rip when she ran the knife through them.**

Lily looked absolutely horrified. The others looked appalled, and Peter was looking worried as he glanced around at the others nervously.

"I- I… This is horrible. Absolutely horrifyingly horrible." She said.

James sat down next to her, and took her hand. She didn't take it away, as she might have on a normal day, but instead she let him comfort her.

Sirius said, "So, how about we quickly finish this one,"

"There are only about five sentences left," Peter added.

"And then read something really happy." Sirius said, glancing at Lily's pale face.

Lily nodded. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that some people would write and read that sort of thing for fun.

James squeezed her hand, and she smiled at him weakly.

Peter cleared his throat. "Er, I'll continue reading, then."

**"My little baby?" she shouted from upstairs.**

"Just a quick reminder that I'm seventeen," Remus said in a half-hearted attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

**"Yes mum?" Remus called from below.**

**"Mummy needs to go out for a while! Be a good little chocolate-bite!" she shouted.**

**She then grabbed her broom, and flew out of it, already imagining the blood she would soon see.**

**The End- Or is it?**

"It's over." Peter said, letting himself relax.

"I don't… I can't believe that someone actually WROTE that!" Lily said. She found that she was actually shaking, and James gripped her hands tightly.

"Let's read another one!" Sirius said with false cheerfulness, trying to get rid of the awkward atmosphere that had now settled on them.

"Okay," Lily said. "Anything is better than this."

And so the group waited, hoping that the computer would choose a nice, happy Fanfiction that they could all laugh at.

* * *

**A/N: It's not funny. Not at all. Sorry that this chapter was so dark, but I was browsing around for inspiration, and I discovered a horrible, horrible, disgusting Fanfiction, one that was even worse than this. The concept was the same, except that Hermione was Neville's psychopathic mum.**

**I really felt sick after reading it…**

**Love you all, and see you next time with a funny oneshot!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	11. Dialogue

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Eleven: Dialogue**

**First Uploaded: June 9****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: August 3****rd****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: Imagine how funny it would be if JK Rowling wrote fanfiction on here. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't, I'm not JK Rowling and I don't own Harry Potter.**

Sirius took the device from Peter and placed it on his lap. "So, this one is called **Dialogue **and this is the description: **Dialogue between Sirius and Remus. Remus loves his chocolate. No slash.** What do you think?" He asked nervously, looking around at the others.

"Yeah, just start. I want to wipe that last one from my mind." Lily said.

**"Remus!"**

**"Yes, Sirius"**

"Ah, and the bad grammar starts already. And it looks like it's here to stay."

"Shall we just ignore it?" Peter asked.

"Might as well. And I don't really feel like having to point out the missing comma's every other sentence." Sirius said.

**"I'm hungry"**

"As always." said James, who had reluctantly (though he made sure not to show it) let go of Lily's hand.

**"Go get some food from the kitchens"**

**"No. I'm too lazy"**

"Ha. I'm glad to see Sirius is in character: Annoying and lazy."

**"Please leave me alone I need to work"**

"Remus is in character, too."

"I'm starting to understand the format of this story. And, let me tell you, I don't like it." Remus said. "I think the whole thing is going to be in the form of dialogue between me and Sirius."

**"Whatcha doin'?"**

Sirius wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I would never, _ever _say that. Never."

**"None of your business"**

**"Please tell me! I'm bored"**

**"Fine. I'm doing the transfiguration essay due tomorrow"**

"That was such a big secret." Remus said sarcastically. "I wonder why I didn't just tell him in the first place."

**"Oh cool. I've finished that already"**

"I bet you didn't," Lily said, starting to recover from the last Fanfiction.

"Bet I have." Sirius said, pretending to be offended. "I do my homework, I'm upset that you would think otherwise."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him.

"Fine, I sometimes do my homework. I'm just usually too busy. I can't help it that I have better things to do."

"Like what?" Lily asked.

"Like pranking, eating, sleeping, chasing girls, more pranking, and the list goes on…" Sirius said.

"Did you realise that you just one hundred percent played into the stereotypical role fanfiction ascribed to you?" Remus asked.

"I did not…" Sirius paused. "Oh, damn it – you're right! I'm becoming my fanfiction!self!" He said, his voice rising. "I'm becoming a shallow, dumb player and I can't do anything to prevent it!"

"Oh, get a grip of yourself, Sirius," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Just because you said something that resembles your fanfiction!self doesn't mean that you _are _your fanfiction!self. Now, continue reading the story."

**"No you haven't"**

**"I bet I have!"**

**"Bet you haven't"**

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not!"**

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not!"**

"Merlin, author, that's enough!" Remus said. "We've got the point!"

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not!"**

"Really? Does the author honestly think this is an interesting conversation?" Lily asked.

"And, more importantly, do they really thing that we have conversations like this?" Sirius said. "I know that these authors think that I have a pea-sized brain, but this is taking it to a new extreme."

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not, now shut up and let me work already."**

"Finally." Remus said, rolling his eyes.

**"God Moony you are such a bore."**

**"No, just because I do something with my life apart from shagging girls**

"I'M NOT A MAN-WHORE!" Sirius yelled at the laptop.

Lily sent a questioning look towards James.

"The authors seem to be under the impression that Sirius spends all his time shagging girls. One thought he had slept with all the girls from our year and the year above us, as well as half of the ones below up." James whispered.

"That doesn't even make sense, because that would mean that Sirius slept with the Slytherin girls, and there is no way in hell that he would do that." Lily said.

"Thank you, Lily. That just shows that they don't _think_." Sirius grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Well, since when does Fanfiction make any sense?" Peter said.

**doesn't make me a bore."**

**"…"**

"What's that supposed to mean?" Peter asked.

"I think it means silence." Remus said.

"Oh."

**"…"**

"Why do they have it again?"

"It means that I'm silent too."

**"…"**

**"…"**

**"…"**

"Are they kidding me?" Sirius asked, shaking his head.

**"…"**

**"…"**

**"Man Moony! You are so mean!"**

"Wait, so this is Sirius speaking?" James asked.

"Obviously," Sirius said.

"But if you count the number of 'silences', then it would be Moony's turn now." James said.

The group leant over to see the laptop as they all counted, and saw that James was right.

"That's what happens when the author does the dumb silence thing so many times that she forgets who's speaking."

"Hey, why are we automatically assuming that the author is a girl? It could be a guy, too…" Lily said.

"Because no boy would assume that two blokes have a conversation like this." Sirius said. "This is definitely some preteen girl trying to replicate what she thinks is a marauder conversation."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, but fine." Lily said, letting the matter drop.

**"God shut the fuck**

"Ooh, the f-bomb, Moony?" Sirius said. "Didn't know you had it in you!"

"Fuck off," Remus said good naturedly, just to prove his friend wrong.

**up Sirius!"**

**"Please play with me!"**

"That sounds wrong."

**"No I need to work!"**

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

"Please, dearest author, not one of these again…" Remus said, rubbing his temples. "I think I'm getting a migraine."

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

"Does the author really think that ANYBODY, let alone the _marauders,_ would have a conversation like this?" Sirius asked.

"Does the author really think this Fanfiction is interesting? Who would actually read something like this…" James said.

"Apart from us, you mean." Lily laughed.

**"Please!"**

**"No."**

**"Please!"**

**"NO!"**

"STOP IT, author!"

**"Please!"**

**"SHUT UP!"**

**"You are so mean, Moony. I hate you."**

**"Good, now leave me alone."**

"_Now _fanfiction!me is starting to show some sense." Remus said.

**"No"**

**"Yes"**

**"No"**

**"Yes"**

"I spoke too soon." Remus sighed. "In the name of Godric Gryffindor, this author has to be kidding me. I mean, really? Does she-" Lily gave a pointed cough, "Okay, fine, do _they _really think this conversation is interesting? That I would like to read it again because it is amusing and inspiring? Do they think that people would read this and thing, 'I would really love to have a conversation like this'? And the characterization is awful! I mean, I'm this uptight, studious prefect, and Sirius is an annoying womanizer with the IQ of a rock."

"I've come up with a theory," Sirius said suddenly. "Namely, that the author was challenged to write a story about us in five minutes, so they just wrote whatever first popped into their head, and copied that a hundred times."

"I support that theory," James said, "I mean, it was either that, or the author is graduating preschool this year."

**"No"**

**"Yes!" (A/N: I'm going to stop using those thingies (") because it is really boring for me to write them**

Remus frowned. "So this author is saying that quotation marks are voluntary. That they can be left out because they are 'boring'. Honestly, I really wonder why this author bothers to write anything at all, if they don't want to do it properly."

"I agree," Lily said. "And the author didn't even know what quotation marks are called. I mean, they just said 'these thingies' and a quotation mark in parenthesis."

**so every time there's a new line the other person is talking.)**

**Yes**

**No**

"Enough is enough!"

**Yes**

**No**

**YES AND NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!**

**Please give me chocolate!**

"Padfoot, I think the author is under the impression that you are three years old. And Moony's just an eighty year old man that's playing along to make the child happy." James said.

**No, why?**

**Please?**

**Why should I?**

**Because we're friends?**

**That's not a reason.**

**What? Moony, you just broke my heart**

"He doesn't have a heart." James smirked.

**Too bad.**

**I love you.**

"Oh no. Please, please, please did they NOT MAKE US GAY!" Sirius said, looking horrified. "I think that's the only thing that could make this story worse."

"Why do you immediately jump to the conclusion that you're gay?" asked Lily, interested. "You might just love him as a friend, or you might be saying it to get chocolate."

"Lily, these stories have taught me to always assume the worst in situations like these."

**Wait, what?**

**I loooooooooooooooove you!**

**Stop singing that stupid song!**

"Oh, I guess it's a song." Sirius said, looking very relieved. "Not that I don't love you _as a friend_, but I don't think my poor heart could handle anything like that at the moment."

**I looooooooooooooooove yooooooooooooouuuuu! And it is soooooooooo truuuuuuuueeeeeeeeee!**

"Now it's enough. It was funny the first time, but not anymore." Sirius said.

**I looooooove you more than a thooooooouuuusand kiiiiiiisseeeeees… kiiiiiiiiiss meeeeee…. Hooooooooold meeeeeeee…**

"This is getting painful to read."

**I loooooooove you soooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuch!**

**Shut up.**

**Give me chocolate.**

**No**

"This dialogue is so interesting. Not." Lily said, rolling her eyes.

**I looooooooove yoooooouuuu more than I looooooooove hippogriff duuuuung. I loooooooove you more than the stars love the suuuuuuuuuun.**

**Shut up. Now.**

"I agree with Moony." Sirius said. "Shut up, fanfiction!me."

**I love love love yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu. Marry me!**

**Ok.**

"Hold on a moment, what?" Sirius said.

"You asked him to marry you, and he said yes." James clarified, looking highly amused.

**What?**

**I'll marry you.**

**Cool**

"NO!" Sirius said, throwing his arms up in despair. "And why does the story state at the beginning that I shag girls, and now it makes me in love with Remus?"

"Because, Sirius," Lily said, "the reason you couldn't settle down and have a serious relationship was because you never actually had feelings for any of the girls. You tried to hide it, tried to bury it, but there was no escaping the undeniable truth: You were in love with Remus."

Sirius stared at her. "You know, that was pretty good. Obviously 100% false, though, but you should think about writing a story."

"Why, thank you, Sirius." Lily laughed.

**Let's get married tomorrow.**

**Yeah okay.**

"I love how Remus is still just like 'Whatever you say, Sirius, just leave me alone'." Peter said.

**WAIT WHAT I WAS KIDDING YOU PERV.**

"Pfew." Sirius said, putting a hand to his heart and exhaling. "This Fanfiction is going to kill me. Honestly."

Remus was looking amused.

"How come you didn't panic?" Lily asked him.

"Oh, it says in the description that we won't be gay." He said.

"Where?" Peter asked.

"It said, 'no slash'. That obviously means no homosexual relationships." He said.

**Oh ok, I knew that.**

"Sirius is sounding pretty disappointed." James said, chuckling.

"Shut it, you prat."

**Good.**

**I was kidding too.**

"Doesn't sound to convincing." Lily said, wiggling her eyebrows at Sirius.

**Good.**

"You have a pretty low IQ in this too, Moony." Sirius said.

**I loooooo-**

"Not as low as yours, though." Remus replied.

**…**

**Mahjdhhh Mrfff jsnssss kessssssssssfff**

"What the hell?" Peter asked.

**Teaches you to shut up!**

"What does?" Lily asked, but the others shrugged.

**Man moony why did you stick that stinking sock in my mouth?**

"Oh. Gross." Lily said.

**Yeah bro that was smelly. It belonged to Evans.**

"What?" Lily exclaimed. "First of all, why would you have my sock? Secondly, my socks are in no way as smelly as yours."

"Thirdly," Remus said, "I would never talk like that: 'Yeah, bro', what am I, American?"

**Eeeeeeeeeeeew! Grooooooss!**

**Ikr.**

"This is getting worse and worse. The author is just jotting down the first things that come into their twisted mind. What does IKR even mean?"

**Yeah.**

**…**

**Can I have chocolate?**

**No**

**Please?**

"We already had this conversation." Remus said tiredly.

**NO**

**Please?**

**No**

**I'll just steal some.**

**AVADA KEDAVRA!**

Everybody was confused for a moment.

"Did Moony just kill Padfoot?" Peter finally asked.

"Seems like it." Remus said.

"Ok-ay."

***Dies***

"Damn it, Moony!" Sirius said dramatically.

"It was probably better for the world. You were so annoying and stupid that it hurt." Remus said.

"I would be offended, but I agree with you." Sirius said. "I'm quite glad that Fanfiction!me is dead and gone."

**Remus:**

"Why did the author suddenly change the format?" James asked.

"Probably to show it was Remus speaking." Peter said.

"Well, who else would it be? Sirius is dead." Lily pointed out.

**Teaches you to steal from my chocolate.**

**THE END**

"Right, well that was rubbish. Who wants another one?" James asked.

Five hands flew into the air.

"Good. The next one looks interesting…"**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Eleven: Dialogue**

**First Uploaded: June 9****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: August 3****rd****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: Imagine how funny it would be if JK Rowling wrote fanfiction on here. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't, I'm not JK Rowling and I don't own Harry Potter.**

Sirius took the device from Peter and placed it on his lap. "So, this one is called **Dialogue **and this is the description: **Dialogue between Sirius and Remus. Remus loves his chocolate. No slash.** What do you think?" He asked nervously, looking around at the others.

"Yeah, just start. I want to wipe that last one from my mind." Lily said.

**"Remus!"**

**"Yes, Sirius"**

"Ah, and the bad grammar starts already. And it looks like it's here to stay."

"Shall we just ignore it?" Peter asked.

"Might as well. And I don't really feel like having to point out the missing comma's every other sentence." Sirius said.

**"I'm hungry"**

"As always." said James, who had reluctantly (though he made sure not to show it) let go of Lily's hand.

**"Go get some food from the kitchens"**

**"No. I'm too lazy"**

"Ha. I'm glad to see Sirius is in character: Annoying and lazy."

**"Please leave me alone I need to work"**

"Remus is in character, too."

"I'm starting to understand the format of this story. And, let me tell you, I don't like it." Remus said. "I think the whole thing is going to be in the form of dialogue between me and Sirius."

**"Whatcha doin'?"**

Sirius wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I would never, _ever _say that. Never."

**"None of your business"**

**"Please tell me! I'm bored"**

**"Fine. I'm doing the transfiguration essay due tomorrow"**

"That was such a big secret." Remus said sarcastically. "I wonder why I didn't just tell him in the first place."

**"Oh cool. I've finished that already"**

"I bet you didn't," Lily said, starting to recover from the last Fanfiction.

"Bet I have." Sirius said, pretending to be offended. "I do my homework, I'm upset that you would think otherwise."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him.

"Fine, I sometimes do my homework. I'm just usually too busy. I can't help it that I have better things to do."

"Like what?" Lily asked.

"Like pranking, eating, sleeping, chasing girls, more pranking, and the list goes on…" Sirius said.

"Did you realise that you just one hundred percent played into the stereotypical role fanfiction ascribed to you?" Remus asked.

"I did not…" Sirius paused. "Oh, damn it – you're right! I'm becoming my fanfiction!self!" He said, his voice rising. "I'm becoming a shallow, dumb player and I can't do anything to prevent it!"

"Oh, get a grip of yourself, Sirius," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Just because you said something that resembles your fanfiction!self doesn't mean that you _are _your fanfiction!self. Now, continue reading the story."

**"No you haven't"**

**"I bet I have!"**

**"Bet you haven't"**

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not!"**

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not!"**

"Merlin, author, that's enough!" Remus said. "We've got the point!"

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not!"**

"Really? Does the author honestly think this is an interesting conversation?" Lily asked.

"And, more importantly, do they really thing that we have conversations like this?" Sirius said. "I know that these authors think that I have a pea-sized brain, but this is taking it to a new extreme."

**"Have too!"**

**"Have not, now shut up and let me work already."**

"Finally." Remus said, rolling his eyes.

**"God Moony you are such a bore."**

**"No, just because I do something with my life apart from shagging girls**

"I'M NOT A MAN-WHORE!" Sirius yelled at the laptop.

Lily sent a questioning look towards James.

"The authors seem to be under the impression that Sirius spends all his time shagging girls. One thought he had slept with all the girls from our year and the year above us, as well as half of the ones below up." James whispered.

"That doesn't even make sense, because that would mean that Sirius slept with the Slytherin girls, and there is no way in hell that he would do that." Lily said.

"Thank you, Lily. That just shows that they don't _think_." Sirius grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Well, since when does Fanfiction make any sense?" Peter said.

**doesn't make me a bore."**

**"…"**

"What's that supposed to mean?" Peter asked.

"I think it means silence." Remus said.

"Oh."

**"…"**

"Why do they have it again?"

"It means that I'm silent too."

**"…"**

**"…"**

**"…"**

"Are they kidding me?" Sirius asked, shaking his head.

**"…"**

**"…"**

**"Man Moony! You are so mean!"**

"Wait, so this is Sirius speaking?" James asked.

"Obviously," Sirius said.

"But if you count the number of 'silences', then it would be Moony's turn now." James said.

The group leant over to see the laptop as they all counted, and saw that James was right.

"That's what happens when the author does the dumb silence thing so many times that she forgets who's speaking."

"Hey, why are we automatically assuming that the author is a girl? It could be a guy, too…" Lily said.

"Because no boy would assume that two blokes have a conversation like this." Sirius said. "This is definitely some preteen girl trying to replicate what she thinks is a marauder conversation."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, but fine." Lily said, letting the matter drop.

**"God shut the fuck**

"Ooh, the f-bomb, Moony?" Sirius said. "Didn't know you had it in you!"

"Fuck off," Remus said good naturedly, just to prove his friend wrong.

**up Sirius!"**

**"Please play with me!"**

"That sounds wrong."

**"No I need to work!"**

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

"Please, dearest author, not one of these again…" Remus said, rubbing his temples. "I think I'm getting a migraine."

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

**"Please!"**

**"No!"**

"Does the author really think that ANYBODY, let alone the _marauders,_ would have a conversation like this?" Sirius asked.

"Does the author really think this Fanfiction is interesting? Who would actually read something like this…" James said.

"Apart from us, you mean." Lily laughed.

**"Please!"**

**"No."**

**"Please!"**

**"NO!"**

"STOP IT, author!"

**"Please!"**

**"SHUT UP!"**

**"You are so mean, Moony. I hate you."**

**"Good, now leave me alone."**

"_Now _fanfiction!me is starting to show some sense." Remus said.

**"No"**

**"Yes"**

**"No"**

**"Yes"**

"I spoke too soon." Remus sighed. "In the name of Godric Gryffindor, this author has to be kidding me. I mean, really? Does she-" Lily gave a pointed cough, "Okay, fine, do _they _really think this conversation is interesting? That I would like to read it again because it is amusing and inspiring? Do they think that people would read this and thing, 'I would really love to have a conversation like this'? And the characterization is awful! I mean, I'm this uptight, studious prefect, and Sirius is an annoying womanizer with the IQ of a rock."

"I've come up with a theory," Sirius said suddenly. "Namely, that the author was challenged to write a story about us in five minutes, so they just wrote whatever first popped into their head, and copied that a hundred times."

"I support that theory," James said, "I mean, it was either that, or the author is graduating preschool this year."

**"No"**

**"Yes!" (A/N: I'm going to stop using those thingies (") because it is really boring for me to write them**

Remus frowned. "So this author is saying that quotation marks are voluntary. That they can be left out because they are 'boring'. Honestly, I really wonder why this author bothers to write anything at all, if they don't want to do it properly."

"I agree," Lily said. "And the author didn't even know what quotation marks are called. I mean, they just said 'these thingies' and a quotation mark in parenthesis."

**so every time there's a new line the other person is talking.)**

**Yes**

**No**

"Enough is enough!"

**Yes**

**No**

**YES AND NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!**

**Please give me chocolate!**

"Padfoot, I think the author is under the impression that you are three years old. And Moony's just an eighty year old man that's playing along to make the child happy." James said.

**No, why?**

**Please?**

**Why should I?**

**Because we're friends?**

**That's not a reason.**

**What? Moony, you just broke my heart**

"He doesn't have a heart." James smirked.

**Too bad.**

**I love you.**

"Oh no. Please, please, please did they NOT MAKE US GAY!" Sirius said, looking horrified. "I think that's the only thing that could make this story worse."

"Why do you immediately jump to the conclusion that you're gay?" asked Lily, interested. "You might just love him as a friend, or you might be saying it to get chocolate."

"Lily, these stories have taught me to always assume the worst in situations like these."

**Wait, what?**

**I loooooooooooooooove you!**

**Stop singing that stupid song!**

"Oh, I guess it's a song." Sirius said, looking very relieved. "Not that I don't love you _as a friend_, but I don't think my poor heart could handle anything like that at the moment."

**I looooooooooooooooove yooooooooooooouuuuu! And it is soooooooooo truuuuuuuueeeeeeeeee!**

"Now it's enough. It was funny the first time, but not anymore." Sirius said.

**I looooooove you more than a thooooooouuuusand kiiiiiiisseeeeees… kiiiiiiiiiss meeeeee…. Hooooooooold meeeeeeee…**

"This is getting painful to read."

**I loooooooove you soooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuch!**

**Shut up.**

**Give me chocolate.**

**No**

"This dialogue is so interesting. Not." Lily said, rolling her eyes.

**I looooooooove yoooooouuuu more than I looooooooove hippogriff duuuuung. I loooooooove you more than the stars love the suuuuuuuuuun.**

**Shut up. Now.**

"I agree with Moony." Sirius said. "Shut up, fanfiction!me."

**I love love love yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu. Marry me!**

**Ok.**

"Hold on a moment, what?" Sirius said.

"You asked him to marry you, and he said yes." James clarified, looking highly amused.

**What?**

**I'll marry you.**

**Cool**

"NO!" Sirius said, throwing his arms up in despair. "And why does the story state at the beginning that I shag girls, and now it makes me in love with Remus?"

"Because, Sirius," Lily said, "the reason you couldn't settle down and have a serious relationship was because you never actually had feelings for any of the girls. You tried to hide it, tried to bury it, but there was no escaping the undeniable truth: You were in love with Remus."

Sirius stared at her. "You know, that was pretty good. Obviously 100% false, though, but you should think about writing a story."

"Why, thank you, Sirius." Lily laughed.

**Let's get married tomorrow.**

**Yeah okay.**

"I love how Remus is still just like 'Whatever you say, Sirius, just leave me alone'." Peter said.

**WAIT WHAT I WAS KIDDING YOU PERV.**

"Pfew." Sirius said, putting a hand to his heart and exhaling. "This Fanfiction is going to kill me. Honestly."

Remus was looking amused.

"How come you didn't panic?" Lily asked him.

"Oh, it says in the description that we won't be gay." He said.

"Where?" Peter asked.

"It said, 'no slash'. That obviously means no homosexual relationships." He said.

**Oh ok, I knew that.**

"Sirius is sounding pretty disappointed." James said, chuckling.

"Shut it, you prat."

**Good.**

**I was kidding too.**

"Doesn't sound to convincing." Lily said, wiggling her eyebrows at Sirius.

**Good.**

"You have a pretty low IQ in this too, Moony." Sirius said.

**I loooooo-**

"Not as low as yours, though." Remus replied.

**…**

**Mahjdhhh Mrfff jsnssss kessssssssssfff**

"What the hell?" Peter asked.

**Teaches you to shut up!**

"What does?" Lily asked, but the others shrugged.

**Man moony why did you stick that stinking sock in my mouth?**

"Oh. Gross." Lily said.

**Yeah bro that was smelly. It belonged to Evans.**

"What?" Lily exclaimed. "First of all, why would you have my sock? Secondly, my socks are in no way as smelly as yours."

"Thirdly," Remus said, "I would never talk like that: 'Yeah, bro', what am I, American?"

**Eeeeeeeeeeeew! Grooooooss!**

**Ikr.**

"This is getting worse and worse. The author is just jotting down the first things that come into their twisted mind. What does IKR even mean?"

**Yeah.**

**…**

**Can I have chocolate?**

**No**

**Please?**

"We already had this conversation." Remus said tiredly.

**NO**

**Please?**

**No**

**I'll just steal some.**

**AVADA KEDAVRA!**

Everybody was confused for a moment.

"Did Moony just kill Padfoot?" Peter finally asked.

"Seems like it." Remus said.

"Ok-ay."

***Dies***

"Damn it, Moony!" Sirius said dramatically.

"It was probably better for the world. You were so annoying and stupid that it hurt." Remus said.

"I would be offended, but I agree with you." Sirius said. "I'm quite glad that Fanfiction!me is dead and gone."

**Remus:**

"Why did the author suddenly change the format?" James asked.

"Probably to show it was Remus speaking." Peter said.

"Well, who else would it be? Sirius is dead." Lily pointed out.

**Teaches you to steal from my chocolate.**

**THE END**

"Right, well that was rubbish. Who wants another one?" James asked.

Five hands flew into the air.

"Good. The next one looks interesting…"


	12. McG Raps

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twelve: McG Raps**

**First Uploaded: June 10****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: August 5****th****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: Let's keep it short and simple: I don't own Harry Potter. Done, now on with the story!**

**Short A/N: Sooo… I know that rapping didn't exist in the seventies, but let's pretend it did, okay? Yay!**

James laughed, "It's called **McG Raps**-"

"McG? As in Minnie? And she's going to rap?" Sirius said.

"Well, the description is **A.K.A The Secret Life of McGonagall as a Rapper.**" James said.

"I need to read this. I think we'll need my musical talent to make the chapter enjoyable." Sirius said, taking the laptop from James.

"Ahem. So, here goes…"

**"Yo, I'm big McG.**

Sirius didn't even finish the first line when everybody else burst out laughing. Whether it was because of the Fanfiction or because of his talent (or lack of) at rapping, he didn't know. He hoped it was the former.

"Imagine McGonagall doing that!" James laughed. Sirius felt better, obviously it was just the funny text that was making the others laugh.

"Sirius… That was bloody awful!" Lily howled.

Sirius frowned. "I'll have you know that I happen to be a musical genius!"

This statement only caused Lily to laugh harder.

**And when I sing, I'm really off-key.**

**I'm really cool, you must see,**

**A rapper? Yeah! That's me!"**

Sirius didn't pay any attention to the others, who were a mess. James was rolling on the floor, Lily had tears of laughter on her cheeks, Remus was laughing so hard that no sound came out, and Peter clutching his stomach, snickering so hard that it hurt.

**McGonagall rapped in front of her mirror. She was wearing a cap that was on the wrong way around, a hoodie and several big, golden chains, one with a big dollar sign on it.**

The others couldn't even react, only Sirius wondered why anybody would wear clothes like that.

"McG! Clothes! Like! That!" James managed to get out, before he doubled over laughing.

**"I'm not in love with Dumbledore,**

**I don't know what that might implore**

**But seeing as I'm not into wand-lore**

**I might just open up the door."**

Even Remus, who was normally so composed, was having trouble talking. "This… Th- this is so- ba… Bad!"

"But so hilarious!" James cried from where he was lying on the floor, her hands clutching her stomach.

**She said, making appropriate movements with her hands and arms. She did a little beat-box for the next bit, impressed with her own musical abilities.**

Peter's face was red from laughter. "I… She… What?" he chuckled.

Sirius looked disapprovingly at the others, he was the only one that was even remotely composed. However, he too was starting to struggle reading the text.

**"Funny, I noticed I'm not wearing socks,**

**Doesn't matter, it really rocks**

**Turn me on, yeah Lumos, Nox**

**I need to grade the essays that are in that box."**

"Oh Merlin! I can't laugh anymore. My stomach hurts." Lily said, her face flushed and her hair messy.

"I know…" James said, taking off his glasses to wipe his eyes and picking himself up off the ground.

"I've got a laughing cramp." Remus complained, rubbing his stomach.

"Me too." Peter said, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself.

**McGonagall started dancing around, and nearly knocked her jar of ink off the table. She shouted, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" a few times, before turning back to the mirror.**

**"Yeah I might seem like a straight laced mouse**

**But it's really McG in the house.**

**I'm running out of rhyme so I'll just say louse**

**Did you know I once had an owl called Klaus?"**

Everybody burst out laughing again. The combination of the awful but hilarious rap, the image of McGonagall doing it, and Sirius' definite lack of skills at rapping was too much.

**The professor pretended to have an air guitar solo, and tripped over a pair of slippers on the floor.**

**"Oh crap, now I just tripped.**

**And over the floor I just slipped.**

**If you cross me, you'll get your arse whipped**

**But now you'll find that I just stripped."**

"Stop reading, Sirius, I can't… This is too much… Can't laugh anymore… Stomach hurts… Can't breathe…" James wheezed.

Sirius ignored him and continued reading.

**And she pulled off the sweater to reveal an over-sized Spring Breakers T-shirt, including the four girls in teeny bikinies and the dark skinned drug dealer.**

"Stop! Please, Sirius!" Lily begged him trying to stop laughing.

"Will you admit that I am the greatest rapper ever, and my musical skills deserve to be worshiped by all?" Sirius asked.

Lily didn't answer, she only laughed harder.

**She also pulled off the oversized jogging pants she had been wearing, and revealed a pair of hot pants.**

"Ew. I really don't like that mental image." Sirius said to nobody in particular, since his companions were all otherwise occupied.

**"I look totally hot.**

**If you think I'm not**

**I'll cook you in this pot**

**Full stop."**

"That… Doesn't… Rhyme…" Remus said, his hands on his stomach.

**McG waved her hands around in the air, and took her wand and made sparks come out of the end.**

**"I am practically an open book,**

**I really am, but I can't cook.**

**If you give, then I just took**

**My wand and I'll kill you, crook."**

Even Sirius was having trouble controlling his laughter.

"This is so bad that it's good." James said, still chuckling.

**The sparks filling the room were now threatening to make the papers lying around catch fire. McG didn't notice, though.**

**"I took some Felix Felicis, yeah.**

**I'm gonna get lucky tonight, yeah.**

**You charmed my heart, yeah.**

**Stupify, yeah."**

"That was just so, so… awfully… terrible. And- and it was hilarious." Lily was in hysterics.

**She kicked her shoes off, and slid over the polished floor.**

**"The rest of this rap is not for kids,**

**I'd tell it to you, but this T rating forbids**

**For you readers to know the truth (bids)**

**So just rate and review, then close your eye-lids."**

**She was so caught up in her epic rap that she didn't notice a knock on her office door.**

**Just outside stood Sirius Black, who had been sent to her for his detention. He waited for a moment, knocked a second time, and then peeked inside. What he saw was a sight he would never forget.**

**THE END**

"And it's over." Sirius said.

"That was hilarious." Lily said. "Just the image of McGonagall…" she burst out laughing again. "I can definitely see why you love reading these stories."

Sirius waited patiently for them to sort themselves out (Remus had to open a window to let in a bit of cool, fresh air), before saying, "All in favour of another one say 'Aye'!"

"AYE!" Everyone shouted.


	13. WolfStar

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Thirteen: Wolfstar**

**First Uploaded: June 16****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor am I Beyonce, Bill Gates or the Queen of England. Therefore, I don't own Harry Potter, the lyrics to "Single Ladies", Microsoft or the crown jewels (although the queen doesn't technically own those either…)**

"So, this one is called **Wolfstar**, and it lists Sirius and Remus as the protagonists. There's no description. Oh, and it's by **NeonDomino**." Sirius read. "And yes, Moony, I know that it's a penname."

"Good for you," Lily said sarcastically. "Can I read?" Sirius nodded and passed her the device.

**Sirius Black couldn't move his gaze. Here in front of him was the most perfect person he'd ever seen in his life.**

"Sounds good!" Sirius said, leaning back lazily. "I like this one…"

**Soft dark blonde hair, that he wanted to run his fingers through, amazing hazel eyes that he could get lost in, and a sexy voice that sent shivers down his back.**

"Nice…" Sirius said, nodding.

**Also a pretty decent arse.**

"That's never a bad thing, either."

**"Sirius, are you okay, you're staring at me?" Remus asked,**

"Wait, what?!" Sirius asked, sitting up straight.

Remus was also looking mildly disturbed. "That was… unexpected. I'll admit that it's nice to have my good looks described like that, but not when it's written in _Sirius' perspective_!"

"Erm, maybe you… Um… Oh, I know. I bet I had a confundus charm put on me." Sirius said decidedly. "Yeah, and now I'm really disoriented, and I didn't realise that it was Moony. Yeah, it all makes sense now."

Remus looked less convinced. "I suppose it could be… But you appeared to be describing the person quite…" he hesitated, "consciously."

"Nope, Moony, after all, if I were myself, I would never have thought about you like this. No offence."

"None taken," Remus said hurriedly, "definitely none taken."

"Can I please continue the story?" Lily asked, hiding a grin. She had skimmed ahead, and could hardly wait to see their reactions for what was to come.

**concerned, and Sirius jumped, realising that Remus was speaking to him.  
"What were you thinking?" Remus asked.**

"That is something you would _never _want to know at _any given moment _when it comes to Sirius," James said.

**"Nothing, I was just... wondering where James went," Sirius lied.  
"He's out on his date with Lily, remember?"**

"Hate to break it to you, Evans," James said, grinning smugly, "but a lot of authors think that we would make an amazing couple."

"In your dreams, Potter," Lily said, rolling her eyes. Although she didn't despise him like she used to (she might even go as far as saying that she enjoyed his company), she could never consider going out with him. Even though he was a lot less arrogant than he used to be.

**"Oh. Yeah, I remember," Sirius said, not wanting to admit the thoughts that were going through his head.  
"You're staring at my mouth?"**

"I've got it!" Sirius exclaimed. "This story is about someone that put amortentia in my pumpkin juice, and my misfortunes following that event!"

"Either way, you're in love with Remus, mate." James said, laughing.

"Shut up. Sooner or later we'll run into a story which pairs you with… Dumbledore or Snape, or something, and I'll be the one laughing." Sirius said sullenly.

**"No, I'm not," Sirius denied,**

"This is too weird." Sirius said. "I don't like it."

**looking back down at his muggle magazine. The crazy things these muggles thought up.**

"Aha, see, it's over!" Sirius said. "I had a momentary lapse in sanity, and things are back to normal."

**"You were. You keep staring at me, talk to me Padfoot," Remus said, taking a seat next to him.**

"No! Don't!" Remus said. "Don't do it, Fanfiction!me, don't you realise that Fanfiction!Sirius is lusting after you?"

"Eugh!" Sirius covered his ears. "Don't start, Moony, I'm already about to lose it."

**"Fine," Sirius snapped. "You got really good looking, Remus."**

"I really don't like the direction this is going in…" said Sirius.

**"I've always been good looking," Remus said, grinning.**

"And here I was, thinking Padfoot was the one with the massive ego," James said to Remus, who was looking very worried.

**"Yeah, but you..." Sirius didn't really know what to say, and Remus frowned for a minute, trying to work it out.  
"You think I'm good looking, and you keep staring at my lips," Remus said. "You fancy me."**

"No, no, no!" Sirius cried, running a hand through his hair.

"I…" Remus was at a loss for words.

**It wasn't a question, more an observation.**

"It was wrong!" Sirius declared. "No offence, Remus, but I _most definitely_ don't fancy you."

"That is a relief for me to hear." Remus said.

**"You don't mind?" Sirius asked.**

"I do mind!" Remus cried.

Lily giggled, trying to stop herself from smiling too hard. _This is going to be good_, she thought in anticipation.

**Remus shook his head, grinning at Sirius.**

"Looks like you're gay too, Moony," James said cheerfully. "I don't mind, you know, if you are. I'm for equality and all. Even though it _would _probably throw off our group dynamic a bit, don't you agree, Peter? But I have to admit, it would be very convenient for you, to share a dormitory, and all. Before you get any ideas, though, the same rule applies to you and Sirius as did to all of us and our girlfriends: absolutely no sex in the dormitory, and-"

"Thank you, Remus, thank you," Sirius said to Remus, who stashed his wand away again after silencing James magically. James, meanwhile, was making very rude hand gestures at his friends.

**"So, what's so interesting about my lips?"**

"Nothing," Sirius said loudly. "No offence, again."

"I wonder if it's just denial…" Peter said thoughtfully.

"If you don't shut up, you're going to have the same fate as our friend, Mr Potter." Sirius said, pointing at James (who had crossed his arms angrily and was glaring at everyone).

**"They look really..."  
"Really what?"  
"Soft and... ummm, tasty."**

"This is wrong on so many levels!" Sirius groaned, putting his head in his hands. "I preferred Reymana, at least that was funny. This is just traumatising."

Remus said nothing, although he had turned very pale.

**"Tasty. How do you think they taste?" Remus asked.**

"I think I'm going to vomit." Sirius said. "I can't even describe how disturbing and plain weird this is."

Remus was actually starting to look a little ill. "This can't be good for my sanity," he muttered.

**"Like chocolate," Sirius said, confidently. "I've always imagined you to taste like chocolate."**

"Why like chocolate?" Lily wondered aloud.

"Well, Remus here loves, and when I say loves, I mean that he's practically obsessed with chocolate. He always has some, so that's probably why the author thinks he would taste…" Peter trailed off, feeling slightly uneasy himself – he had, however unintentionally, been considering what Remus might taste like.

**"Always imagined? How long have you been thinking about this?"**

**"Well, I did wonder last year, but then I was dating what's-her-face, and then I realised she wasn't all that, and told her to jog on."  
"Do you want to taste and see?" Remus asked,**

"Please say no," Sirius begged his Fanfiction!self. "Please, please, don't do this to me!"

**and Sirius grinned.  
"Of course, Moony, he said, as he leaned over Remus, and their lips met, softly at first, before he felt Remus pull him closer.**

Sirius' mouth was hanging open, a disgusted expression on his face. "I- This… I- This is… I can't- Please stop…"

Remus was looking horrified. "Please, Lily, stop this!"

**Remus' long fingers ran over the back of Sirius' neck as he pulled the boy in for a deeper kiss, and Sirius' hand ran into the blonde hair he had been fantasising about.**

Sirius opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. Lily struggled to hide a smile, she doubted that he would appreciate it.

**His tongue flicked over Remus' lip, and Remus' lips parted slowly, before letting Sirius have access, and he slowly snogged Remus,**

"Right, this is enough." Sirius said, then he proceeded to cover his ears with his hands, and sing very loudly (and out of tune).

"He's not taking this very well," James muttered to Peter.

Remus was looking rather nauseated and didn't say anything.

**marvelling at how perfect Remus' lips felt against his. Much better then those girls. Who needed girls anyway, Remus was much better.**

Remus started tugging at his hair in distress.

**Finally Remus pulled away. "So?"  
"So?" Sirius repeated, in confusion.  
"Chocolate?" Remus asked him.  
"I'm not quite sure, let me check again." His lips were on Remus' again before he had the chance to reply.**

"LA LA LA! GOD REST YE MERRY HIPPOGRIFFS!" Sirius sung/yelled at the top of his lungs.

**Remus let out a little moan, and that's all the control Sirius had. It took only seconds to open Remus' shirt.**

"There, it's over." Lily said.

"Finally." Sirius sighed, before standing up quickly. "Okay, Lily, you're the best at charms. Go on, obliviate me. Go, before I am permanently scarred for life."

"Don't be an idiot," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Sit down again."

"Please, Lily, put me out of my misery!"

"Shut up and stop being a prat. Remus is handling everything far better than you are." Lily said. Everyone turned to face Remus who had his head in his hands, and was muttering to himself.

"He's lost it," Peter muttered loudly to James.

"Shut up, Pete," Remus said good-naturedly. "Alright, alright, I'm fine, everyone. This was even weirder than that one story where Lily was my mum."

"It's probably because the characterisation was far better in this story than the last one, and that makes this one too realistic to be comfortable. The other one was weird, but I was able to look at it from an outsider's view, because it was so out of character. Oh, there's more, by the way."

"Don't read it!" Sirius said immediately.

"No, it's just an author's note, don't worry." Lily said.

**(A/N: If you want to read more, the next chapter will be up soon. SMUT!)**

"Good thing we don't want to read more." Remus said darkly. "Ouch!" He exclaimed when James punched him in the shoulder. Rolling his eyes, he undid the spell.

"That wasn't nice of you."

"You totally deserved it."

"I know, but it still wasn't nice. Anyway, I want to read another one. I'm really enjoying these!" James said. The five of them waited for the device to select the next story.

* * *

**A/N: A big round of applause for NeonDomino, thank you so much for writing this SB/RL oneshot!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	14. Truth or Dare?

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Fourteen: Truth or Dare**

**First Uploaded: June 17****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, and I do not intent to make money off writing this fanfiction (like I could if I tried).**

"So, this one is called **Truth or Dare? **And it has the following description: **Sirius is bored, so what better to do than play truth or dare?**" James read, taking the device from Lily.

"Great. Sounds like just the kind of amusing story I need to distract me from the emotionally scarring story I just had to read." Sirius said.

Snickering, James began to read.

**"I'm bored," said Sirius.**

"The infamous sentence." Peter said.

**"Let's play truth or dare!" James suggested.**

**"Okay." Sirius said, then called everybody to play the game.**

**Peter, James, Sirius, Remus, Lily, Alice Prewett**

"Alice?" Lily asked.

"Don't worry about it," Sirius said. "Some authors love to include characters that are in reality several years older or younger than us, and make them be our (but usually your) best friends.

**(Lily's best friend),**

"See?" Sirius said. "I don't know why, though."

"Maybe we become friends with them in the future?" Lily suggested.

"Probably," Peter said.

**Snape,**

"Yuck - why would we want to play truth or dare with him?" Sirius said. Lily pursed her lips and said nothing, not wanting to be reminded of her former friendship with the Slytherin.

**Avery,**

"Please," James said. "We would never talk to him, and like he would have anything to do with us."

"Yeah. D'ya think the author is just plain stupid?" Peter wondered.

"I think," Remus said, joining the discussion, "That the author thinks it would be funnier if we would have a wide variety of people playing."

"Maybe, but it's super unrealistic like this." Lily said.

**Xenophilius Lovegood,**

"Who's he?" Peter asked.

"He's this really weird Ravenclaw. He graduated last year. Last time I saw him, he was trying to convince me that wearing robes like mine increased my risk of getting a wrackspurt infection." Sirius said, shaking his head. "Lunatic."

**McGonagall,**

James snorted. "Like she would play. I wish she would, though."

**Slughorn**

"Okay, this is getting more and more unlikely."

**and Dumbledore**

"I think we can assume that this is not based on our real lifes."

**all settled down to play.**

**"So, who's first?" Sirius asked.**

**"Oh, wait. We need a bottle!" Remus said.**

**"Oh, okay." Sirius says.**

"Wait, the story just switched tenses – it suddenly went from past to present. They can't do that! Like suddenly, they decide that this is happening now instead of yesterday afternoon." Remus said.

"Yes, I agree, that's not acceptable. Throwing in random characters is fine, funny even. But the rules of writing are still the same." Lily said.

**He waves his wand and summons a glass bottle from the kitchen.**

"Kitchen? As in the Hogwarts kitchen? But that's, like, miles away. Why would I summon one from there? I could just get one from the dormitory."

"You have glass bottles in the dormitory?" Lily asked sceptically. "May I ask what the _contents _of those glass bottles are?"

Sirius suddenly found himself at the receiving end of three glares. "Erm, they are filled with… WATER! Yeah, I often get thirsty at night."

Lily gave him a look of disbelief, but didn't comment further.

**"Great! Now let's play!"**

**"I chose Snape!" Remus says cheerfully.**

"Remus seems very happy about that," Peter said.

**Snape scowled**

"Hey! They changed tenses again. That's such sloppy writing."

**and looked up from the Dark Arts book he was reading. "Truth…" he muttered grouchily.**

**"Do you still have stuffed animals? If yes, what are they called?" Remus asked giddily.**

"Wow, Fanfiction!Remus is reminding me of Remus last summer when he was high on sugar and caffeine," Sirius said.

Lily sent him a questioning look. "Do I want to know?" she asked carefully.

Sirius shook his head. "No, definitely not."

**"I- er… I mean… Pass." he said grumpily.**

"Wow, adverb overdose." Remus said. "Slow down, author."

**"No, you can't pass! You have to answer the question!" Remus said bouncily.**

"Yep, I'm definitely being reminded of last summer." Sirius smirked.

**"Fine. Yes. And Mr Snuffels, Kissikins and… and…. Voldypop," he whispered shyly, blushing ferociously.**

The James, Sirius and Peter started laughing, but Remus said, "The author is using way too many adverbs. The author should just let the text speak for its self. If I say, _'I am the evil lord!' _then the author shouldn't add '_Remus said evilly'_. It's unnecessary."

**"Great!" Remus said happily.**

Remus cringed.

**"Chose who goes next!" he commanded Snape boisterously.**

**"I chose…" he paused slowly,**

Lily rolled her eyes. "Honestly. He paused slowly? That's just stupid."

**assessing his options. He could dare Lily to kiss him,**

"Yuck." James grumbled.

"Why would Snape dare me to kiss him?" Lily asked. "We've hardly spoken since the beginning of sixth year."

The marauders (wisely) decided not to say anything – they had always suspected that Snape had been harbouring not-so-secret affections for Lily.

**or… "I chose Potter!"**

Sirius winced. "Ooh, not nice."

**James jumped. "I- er- truth." He said. Under other circumstances, he would have chosen dare, but he didn't want to think about what Snape would do to him then.**

**Snape laughed maniacally. James gulped. Snape grinned and said evilly, "Have you ever fantasised about McGonagall?"**

"No, Merlin, never. I swear!" He added, when he saw the others looking at him.

"I have," Sirius said dreamily. "Just she was younger and fitter and-"

"That's enough." Lily interrupted. "That is something I really don't need to know."

"I was kidding!" Sirius laughed. The other marauders raised eyebrows at him. "Kind of."

**James blushed. "Yes…" he whispered.**

"Ooh, awkward!" Sirius said.

"And the awkwardness increases when you remember that McGonagall is actually sitting there." Peter added.

**"POTTER! DETENTION!" McGonagall shouted.**

Sirius chuckled. "Imagine Minnie finding out that James had been fantasising about her."

"Except that I haven't." James interjected.

"Don't worry, Jamsie-poo-"

"Never call me that again."

"It'll be out little secret."

James scowled and made a rude hand gesture.

**James, still bright red, said, "I chose… Lily!"**

**Lily glanced up at him. She flicked her red hair out of her face, and said, "Dare!"**

"Gosh, I seem very stuck up here."

**James could hardly believe his luck. "I dare you to kiss me for ten seconds!"**

"Like Evans would agree to that," Sirius scoffed.

"If I had been dared to, I might," Lily said thoughtfully. Everyone stared at her in disbelief.

"Lily, I dare you to-" Sirius immediately began.

"Shut up, Black," Lily laughed. "I just meant, you know, when people are playing truth or dare, what's the fun in being that one person that always refuses to do what they're told to?"

**Snape frowned, that had been his idea! And now his enemy was using it! That meant he would have to get revenge!**

"Exclamation mark overdose." Remus said.

**Lily flicked her hair back again, and lent in. After a few seconds, the kiss started to get passionate, and soon the two were making out hard-core.**

"Am I the only one that thinks it's disturbing that McGonagall, Slughorn, Snape, Avery and DUMBLEDORE are sitting there, watching this? I mean, it would be bad enough if you would start 'making out hard-core' in front of us, but at least we're your friends and we are also teenagers. Blech." Peter said.

**After fifteen minutes, they released each other.**

"I love how everyone else was just casually waiting for them to finish snogging for fifteen minutes." Sirius said.

**"Wow, James, you can kiss really well!" Lily said, doing some more hair-flicking.**

"I'm flicking my hair a lot in this chapter,"

**"Thanks, you're not bad yourself!"**

**"Let's do that again sometime!" Lily suggested, flicking her hair.**

**"Cool!" James agreed.**

**"Right, I choose…" she bit her lip, flicking her hair.**

"Hair flicking overdose!" Remus said.

**"Avery!"**

**Avery grunted to show he was listening.**

**"I dare you to make out with Snape for three minutes!"**

Sirius supressed a smile. "That would be _hilarious_!"

"That would be disgusting; I'd have nightmares for years!" Lily said.

**Avery scowled at her. "Filthy mudblood!"**

Lily frowned, she didn't enjoy being insulted like that, even if it was just a Fanfiction.

**he said, before grabbing (a very terrified looking) Snape roughly and pressing his mouth to his.**

The marauders chuckled, Lily wrinkled her nose.

**He held him like that for the next three minutes,**

"Again ignoring the fact that they would suffocate," Remus said.

"They would obviously breathe through their nose." Sirius said.

**before he chucked him back to where he was sitting before.**

**"I take Black!" he said, wiping his mouth on his robe.**

**Sirius looked calm, and said casually, "Dare."**

"I'm always so cool."

**"I dare you to trade clothes with Alice for the rest if the game!" he said nastily.**

"Sorry, mate, but I think you just lost 50 percent of your coolness, as well as 35 percent of your masculinity," James laughed.

**Sirius looked horrified, but that was nothing compared to how Alice looked at the moment.**

"Yeah, imagine wearing Padfoots icky, sweaty clothes." Peter laughed.

Sirius scowled. "I'll have you know that my clothes are perfectly awesome. Just like everything else about me."

"I see your ego has recovered after being told that you have a gay crush on your best friend." Lily observed.

**"What? Why me? You be careful, Avery, I'll get you!" she said, before she stripped off**

"I hope she's hot." Sirius said.

"Again, I'm feeling disturbed that _Slughorn, Snape, Avery, McGonagall and Dumbledore _are watching this." Remus said.

**and threw her clothes at Sirius.**

**Sirius slinked off behind the door to get change, whilst Alice and Lily discussed revenge stratagies,**

"It's spelled wrong," James said.

**as did Avery and Snape.**

**"Right, done!" Sirius said, walking out from behind the door. He was wearing a neon-pink mini skirt, a tight, see-through blouse, and high heels.**

A silence followed.

"That would be very traumatic," Remus said.

"Oh, who are you kidding? I'd look awesome in any clothes you gave me." Sirius said.

**Everyone spent the next ten minutes laughing at him.**

"The people in the Fanfiction beg to differ."

**"I chose… Dumbledore!" he announced.**

**"Dare," Dumbledore said, his eye (his right one, to be precise) twinkling.**

"Yeah, that eye-twinkling thing he always does is so creepy." Sirius said.

"Really? I think it's rather comforting," Lily said.

"Nah, it always makes me feel like he's using legilimency on me." Sirius said.

**"I dare you to… make pranking unpunishable for the rest of the year, unless it is dangerous (as in deadly), and only for Gryffindor house!" Sirius said proudly.**

"Merlin, why have we never thought of doing that before?" Sirius said with a dreamy expression.

"It's a really great idea – the possibilities are endless," James added.

"Sure, apart from the minor issue that you would have to get Dumbledore to play truth or dare with you." Lily laughed.

**He high-fived the rest of the marauders, whilst McGonagall ranted.**

**"Alright." He said, and wrote a paper allowing pranking.**

**"I chose… Peter!" he said.**

Sirius snorted. "No offence, Pete, but there's no way that Dumbledore would pick you."

Peter frowned, a little hurt by the comment.

**Peter looked up and nodded excitedly, happy at the prospect of being chosen by his headmaster (and not by Snape). "Dare!"**

**"I dare you to make an unbreakable vow to never become a death eater!" Dumbledore said, his eye (the left one this time) twinkling.**

"Well, that was a rather random dare," Peter said, confused. "Why would he want me to do that?"

**"Er, alright!" Peter said, somewhat confused by the dare. He proceeded to do so.**

"That was… strange." James said. "More than the rest of the story."

**"I chose… McGonagall!" he said.**

**She sniffed. "Truth,"**

**"Alright, Here's your question: Are you and Dumbledore secretly dating?"**

"Ha, as if. That's about as likely as me and Trawlawny." Remus said.

"Really? I always thought they would be a good couple." Sirius said.

**She blushed, as did Dumbledore. "Yes," she whispered.**

**"Whoop!" Peter whooped,**

"Honestly?"

**punching the air. "I knew it! You owe me five galleons!" He said victoriously, holding his hand out to Remus, who reluctantly paid the money.**

**"I chose Horace," McGonagall said stiffly, trying to maintain her dignity.**

**"Erm, Dare!" he said nervously,**

"Gosh, these adverbs are really getting on my nerves." Lily said.

**not willing to reveal his darkest secrets to the others.**

**"I dare you to, um, belly dance for us all!" she said.**

"Now _that _would be traumatic." Sirius chuckled.

**Slughorn surpressed a smile, for little did the others know, he had taken belly-dancing classes for ten years.**

"_That _is traumatic," James corrected.

**The others were scarred for life.**

"What? No description of what happened? None at all? What a rip-off…" Peter said, clearly disappointed.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Erm, Pete, I think you're the only one that wanted to have a description of old Sluggy belly dancing."

Peter turned a little pink. "No, that's not what I meant! I just thought it would be funny!"

**"I pick... Mr Lovegood!" he said, pulling his shirt back on.**

**"Truth!" he said.**

**"What is your deepest, darkest secret?"**

"A tad hypocritical, considering he picked dare to avoid revealing his deep, dark secrets," James said.

**"It… It… It…" he stammered, "I can't reveal it!"**

**"You have to!"**

**"Alright… I… I-knew-that-the-horn-crumpled-snorkack-existed-before-Relf-Wendor-the-famous-creature-researcher!" He said fast and in one breath.**

"That is definitely in character." Sirius said. "Trust ol' Lovegood to think that his darkest secret is something that ridiculous."

**Nobody understood what he was talking about.**

**"I pick…" but before he could say anything, Voldemort flew through the open window.**

"This just got a whole lot weirder." James said. "I must, admit, though, that I'm really enjoying this story."

**"What is this I hear? People playing truth or dare ****_without _****me?" He said evilly. "But ****_everyone _****knows that truth or dare is ****_my _****favourite game! Dare me!"**

"This is actually genius." Sirius said, grinning. "It's such a great parody of us all, and it's just so over-the-top that it's hilarious."

**"Alright, I dare you to wear a wig for the rest of the week!" Xenophilius said nervously, hoping he wouldn't die in a moment.**

"If he is worried about being killed, why didn't he pick an easy dare?" Remus asked logically.

"Then he could be killed for picking a boring dare. It's a lose-lose situation." James said.

**To everybody's surprise, Voldemort laughed. "Is that all? I've had to do so much worse. Like that time I had to have a nude picture painted of me by Bellatrix,**

"That is a mental image I would have happily avoided." Peter shuddered.

**or the time I had to kiss Fenrir Greyback for fifteen minutes,**

Remus was the only one to not find that amusing. Even years after he had been bitten, the name still made him angry.

**or that time I had to-"**

**"Enough! Do your dare!" Xenophilius interrupted, holding a pink wig out.**

"There is a big difference between wearing a normal wig and a pink wig." Peter said.

**Voldemort pulled it on, and smiled at his reflection. "Very nice," he said approvingly. "Enough. I pick-"**

**"You can only pick Alice, there is nobody else left!" James interjected.**

**"Alright, I pick Miss Prewett."**

**"Dare," she whispered, terrified.**

**"I dare you to… Now this is going to be hard-core…**

James raised an eyebrow. "Voldemort says 'hard-core'?"

**I dare you allow me to do a spell on you, enabling you to only speak in pick-up lines for the rest of the day!"**

**Alice blanched.**

**"****_Pickuplineiatus!" _****Voldemort spelled.**

"It's weirdly great how the spell name is just so idiotic,

**"I must have had some Felix Felicis, 'cause I'm about to get lucky!"**

Sirius laughed. "That's a good one."

**she said, then clamped her hand over her mouth, looking horrified.**

**"Alice!" Lily squeeled.**

**"Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"**

Lily looked disgusted. "You don't really use those, do you?"

Sirius cleared his throat nervously when the other marauders all sent him pointed looks.

"Sirius?" Lily asked.

"That was one time!" he said finally. "And it wasn't meant seriously!"

**Everybody was in stiches by that time, after hearing the normally so prude and shy Alice speak like that.**

"Excuse me? Is this the same shy and prude Alice that was wearing a neon-pink mini skirt, and a see-through blouse? The same Alice that stripped down to her underwear in front of all of us, not to mention Snape, Avery, and a bunch of Professors? Because that Alice doesn't sound shy and prude to me." Remus said.

**"We might not be in Professor Flitwick's class, but you sure are charming!"**

"I love that one!" Sirius smiled. "Such a classic."

**Everybody howled, rolling around on the floor.**

**"I think that's enough for today," Dumbledore said, his eye (the left one again)** **twinkling.**

**Everybody groaned and trudged up to bed.**

"I surprisingly enjoyed that one a lot," Sirius said. "I thought it was really funny."

"Me, too," Remus said. "Although the adverbs _were_ slightly overdone."

"Do I even need to ask if we want to read another story?" Lily said, and, judging by the five grins that met her statement she decided that, no, she didn't need to ask.


	15. The Incident in the Library

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Fifteen: The Incident in the Library**

**First Uploaded: June 19****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I own several items of Harry Potter merchandise, including a rather fetching pair of Hogwarts pyjamas, but I don't actually own HARRY POTTER – that belongs to J.K. Rowling.**

**2****nd**** Disclaimer: Many of you might recognize this oneshot (if you don't, read it, it's amazing). It is "The Incident in the Library" by greenconverses. Love it.**

**Warning: Chapter features snogging (yay) and removal of shirts (double yay) but before you all get your hopes up, I'm referring to the actual story they're reading (awwww). Soz!**

"So, this one is called **The Incident in the Library **and it's by **greenconverses.**" Lily read.

"These authors come up with the craziest pen names," Sirius said. "I mean, each one is crazier than the next."

"I like them," Peter said. "They're… original."

"They certainly are." Sirius said. "Can I read?"

"Go for it."

**The top two buttons of his shirt were undone.**

"I really hope this isn't another gay fanfiction about me and Remus," Sirius said, shuddering. "I don't think I could handle that…"

**This hadn't bothered her twenty minutes ago,**

"Phew." Sirius said. "Alright, then it's probably about Lily and James."

"What makes you so sure about that?" Lily asked curiously. "I mean, it could be about any girl and bloke."

"Nah," Sirius said. "the authors only like you as their female main character, and you're paired with James in nine out of ten stories, so I'm pretty sure."

**when he had shown up at her table – freshly showered and changed after a gruelling Quidditch practise – and asked to sit with her because all the other spots in the library were taken.**

"See?" Sirius said, "he plays quidditch, you're sitting in the library, it's all looking very in-character so far."

**She had noticed those two buttons, of course – what self-respecting female wouldn't acknowledge a partially open shirt on an attractive young male? She hadn't let it bother her, though, because she had a nasty Charms essay to finish by Monday and she was hardly halfway through it.**

**But now, twenty very difficult minutes later, it was bothering her.**

**In fact, everything about James Potter was bothering her.**

"What did I say?" Sirius said smugly.

**Like now, for instance. He was just sitting across from her, minding his own business and doing his homework. But it was so much more than that.**

**The fingers of one hand were in his hair, propping up his head as he leaned across his side of the table. His other hand was drumming on the table while he read a book, his hazel eyes darting across the pages. Occasionally, he would shift his shoulders in a way that would make her want to sigh with satisfaction or move just so that unbuttoned bit of cloth showed off even more chest.**

"Even if I'm generally not into romance, this one is very well written compared to all the other Fanfiction we've read so far." Remus said. "No spelling or grammar mistakes, and a very good writing style."

"I just like having myself described like this," James said, smirking.

"Now you know how flattering it is," Sirius grinned.

**And, boy, did she ever learn to appreciate Quidditch after catching a glimpse of James Potter's chest.**

Lily stole a glance at James' chest without the others noticing. She couldn't see much, of course, through his sweater, but she imagined that he would have a nice chest. Not bulky, but toned and… smooth.

_What's happening to me? _She wondered, shaking her head to clear it. She could hardly believe she had just been thinking about James' chest. All this Fanfiction was messing with her head.

**She could stare all day at the one bit of exposed flesh, wondering if the rest of his chest was as smooth or as tan, wondering what it'd feel like to run her hands over his strong muscles…**

Now Lily couldn't help but wonder what it would be like in real life. She blushed a little, and looked around, making sure that nobody noticed her strange behaviour.

"Am I the only one that finds this more than a little awkward?" Sirius said, interrupting Lily's thoughts. "This is describing your chest in far more detail than I'd ever like to imagine…"

**Bloody buggering sodding hell!**

Lily agreed completely.

**Lily slammed her Charms book shut, flustered, and earned a shush from Madam Pince. She shuffled through her notes hastily.**

**"I need a book," she informed him, flushing even more with his gaze on her.**

**He arched an eyebrow. Even that caused her to squirm.**

James was trying to hide his smirk, Lily could tell. She was feeling mildly uncomfortable reading about herself fancying James, but there was another feeling in the pit of her stomach, something she couldn't quite place.

**"That's why we're in a library. So, you know…you can get books." He said it as though he was talking to a rather slow person.**

**"Right," she responded, her voice strangled. She could see down Potter's shirt from where she was standing**

"I agree with Sirius." Remus said. "It's really weird to hear about you being described like this from the point of view of someone who obviously fancies you."

"Just think about what it was like for me to hear about Sirius' harboured feelings for you." James replied, leaning back on his chair.

**She was pathetic.**

**And a right pervert.**

**"Right…well, I'm going to get one then."**

**She turned and could not hurry away fast enough.**

**XXXX**

"What do you think so far?" Peter asked.

"This is great – the first truly well-written story we've encountered, in my opinion." Remus said.

"I agree, but let's continue reading. A galleon that they'll end up snogging." Sirius said.

Peter snorted. "It's obvious they'll end up snogging."

"Okay, then… a galleon they'll snog in the library."

Everybody ignored Sirius.

"Fine, but don't think I won't say 'I told you so'." Sirius huffed before he continued reading.

**"Stupid Potter…" Lily muttered, pulling a book off the shelf. She glanced at the cover briefly before slamming it back on the shelf as hard as she could without making a racket. It made her feel better to slam things – she wished she could do the same to Potter's face.**

"It's called UST, darling," Sirius said. "Unresolved… Sexual… Tension…" he continued in an obnoxious voice, drawing out each of the words.

Lily suddenly had an urge to slam something into Sirius' face, and she was pretty sure it had nothing to do with unresolved sexual tension.

**"Those silly buttons…"**

**It was her luck that she was attracted to a boy who she had spent the last few years of her life loathing, especially considering he was actually a decent human being now and had no interest in her whatsoever.**

**He hadn't even asked her out once this year!**

_That's true, _Lily thought. She had been a little confused when James had abruptly stopped asking her out in their sixth year, but she had been relieved that she no longer had to reject him - it had been rather draining.

**She'd spent the entire last week of summer thinking of creative ways to refuse his sonnets and proclamations of undying love, and she hadn't used a single one.**

"Give me a little credit, author," James said, "I would never write a sonnet."

"That's because you don't know how to," Remus pointed out.

**He'd barely acknowledged her in the Heads compartment on the train ride to Hogwarts and now, he ignored her except during Prefect meetings and in class.**

Remus couldn't help but grin smugly – he had been the one that had convinced James to give Lily a little space, date other people, even ignore her a bit… Even though it hadn't worked so far in real life (_yet_, he reminded himself), he couldn't help but feel slightly happy that Fanfiction!Lily (who was remarkably well characterized) had experienced exactly the reaction he was hoping Real!Lily would have.

**The point was that she was completely and madly attracted to him (to the point that she was going to push him up against a wall and snog him if he ever wore his shirt unbuttoned again in her presence),** **and he could care less!**

**What kind of cruel deity had invented this sort of torture? Was this her punishment for turning Potter down so many times in the past, to languish in the misery of her unrequited attraction?**

Peter snorted. "This is great."

Lily couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to snog James. If she would just push him against the wall, and- _Merlin! What the hell is wrong with me today? _She wondered, feeling very warm and flustered. Had she honestly just been fantasising about kissing James when he was sitting a few feet away from her, and his best friends were sitting in the same room?

_I need some fresh air, _she thought.

**Finally, she spotted the book she wanted. It wasn't hard to miss, hanging off the shelf in a way that would make Madam Pince scream in horror. She walked down the cramped aisle, reached up for it –**

**Only to have her hand brushed aside by the large, rough hand of one James Potter. She spun around, trying to ignore the tingles rushing through her body at their contact, only to be confronted with his strong chest inches away from her nose. She glanced up; he stared down at her, an amused look on his face.**

"Ooh la la - this is where it's gonna get sexy!" Sirius said, giving a wolf-whistle.

"Shove off, Black," Lily snapped, at her wit's end. She was feeling confused, awkward and uncomfortable enough as it was, she didn't need him to make stupid comments in addition to that. Sirius merely smirked.

**"Need some help on your Charms essay too, I imagine?" he asked, pulling the book of the shelf.**

**"Yes, and if you'd kindly give that book back to me, I'll have all the help I need," she responded, crossing her arms over her chest and attempting to maintain her glare. It was hard to do, considering that bare expanse of skin she had been fantasying about was barely a quill's length away.**

"This is making me feel weird." Peter said. "Something about having such good writing and such accurate characterization makes me feel… like I'm intruding on Lily's private thoughts, or something.

"How do you think I feel?" Lily asked him. "Erm, about reading these weird thoughts that I would never think about otherwise," she hurriedly added.

**She hated how cramped these back aisles were. "Give it back."**

**"Evans, we're going back to the same table…Why can't we just share the book?"**

**"Why do you even need the book anyway? You could actually see the chalkboard since some lummox" – she prodded him in the arm – "with humongous shoulders wasn't sitting in front of you and blocking the board…Besides, I'm not staying here."**

"James hasn't got huge shoulders. No offence, mate." Sirius said bluntly.

"Unlike you, or what?" James snorted, poking Sirius in the arm.

"I am very muscular and manly, thank you very much." Sirius retorted.

"Please don't get into some testosterone-fuelled competition which results in you ripping off your shirts to compare abs, or something." Lily said. _On the other hand, that wouldn't be too bad…_ She mentally slapped herself for thinking such depraved thoughts, but, after all, she was a teenage girl and there was no denying that James and Sirius were very attractive… _Okay, I'm just going to stop thinking – jumping out of the window is looking like an increasingly attractive option._

**"Why?" he asked, leaning on the shelf behind her with one hand, and blocking an exit.**

**"I'm too distracted in here. I was going to go back up to the common room and…"**

**"Since when has the common room, with all those snot-nosed first years, been less distracting than the library?" He let out a low chuckle that sent another wave of tingles down her body. "You're a terrible liar, Evans…what's really bothering you?"**

**Their chests were actually touching now and his lips – his perfect, tantalising lips – were two inches away.**

Lily was starting to feel rather awkward. She wished that the Fanfiction would be over, she didn't like what images it was planting in her brain. Images including her and James and his bare chest, and- _Lily, stop it. Right now. _She commanded herself.

Sirius, Remus and Peter had similarly uncomfortable expressions. "I don't like this. It's really weird to have Prongs described like this." Sirius said.

**That bare skin she wanted so badly was even closer, even more tempting. The temperature in the aisle seemed to have risen several degrees since he'd entered, causing the fiery anticipation that had ignited her stomach to burn hotter.**

"Lily? Are you alright?" Remus asked, sounding concerned.

"Yes, why?" she asked, her voice an octave higher than usual.

"You're looking a little… Flustered." He said.

Lily looked around nervously. "Er- I'm just feeling a little awkward reading this, that's all." She said in what she hoped was a somewhat convincing voice.

Lily didn't see Sirius trying to hide a knowing smirk.

**"You're the one bothering me, all right?" she burst out savagely. "You're distracting me!"**

**"Me?" he stared at her in disbelief. "What have I done?"**

**"Oh, like you don't know," Lily snapped. Her desperation and their closeness got the better of her and she actually told him the truth.**

**She was a moron.**

**"What do you think you're playing at, coming into the library all freshly showered with your damp hair and your white shirt and asking to sit with me with your fingers in your hair and your shirt unbuttoned like it always is? How am I not supposed to get distracted by that?"**

**Potter's eyebrows had risen into his hairline and he was gaping at her in stunned silence. Flushing in complete embarrassment, Lily looked away, waiting for him to say something or to start laughing.**

"I must take my hat off to this author – great style, and freakishly realistic characterization." Remus said. "I just wish I wasn't reading this about, well, James and Lily."

**"Um…Because you hate me?" he responded unsurely.**

**"The only time I hate you is when you leave you stupid shirt unbuttoned like it is now!" she said before she could stop herself. "Because then I have to sit there and stare at your stupid neck and your stupid chest and…oh, why can't you just button the bloody shirt?"**

**Lily reached up and grabbed him by the collar, intending to button that gap closed herself. She fumbled with the second button for a moment and then, somehow, her hands had dipped under his collar, grabbed him by the neck, and pulled him down to her waiting lips.**

James grinned, and sent Lily a wink, making her blush.

**His response was nearly immediate. The arm not balancing against the shelf wrapped around her waist and yanked her closer to him, up against that fantastic chest. She could feel the Charms book they had been arguing over digging into the small of her back. Then his lips went into action, pressing hard and demanding against hers, and she became putty in his arms.**

Lily was struggling to keep her breathing normal, she was nearly hyperventilating. James, however, was smiling, and he didn't seem remotely bothered by the whole situation.

_That's because they're his friends, _she thought. They didn't need to hide anything from each other, and it wasn't like James' (former?) attraction to her was a secret. _And, besides, it's my point of view that the story's in._

**There was nothing gentle about this kiss, nothing sweet and reassuring the way the first kiss should be between two people. But it was exactly how Lily had imagined it in all of her daydreams and wild fantasies – hot, heavy, and completely out of control.**

"This is weeeeeiiiird…." Sirius whined. "I don't like it."

"Shut up, Sirius," James said, "You're killing the mood."

"What's the fun in reading a story if we can't comment on it?" Sirius retorted. "But _fine_, I'll be quiet."

**_And she loved it._**

**One of his hands threaded into her hair – she heard the distant sound of a book dropping to the floor – and loosened it from her ponytail, while his other kept her pressed firmly against him. Her hands were on a singular mission – unbuttoning the rest of his shirt. She wasn't doing a very good job of it, fumbling and bumbling and unbuttoning out of order, but with each undone button came a rush of satisfaction.**

**She was halfway down his shirt when they broke apart again, her lungs burning and his chest heaving. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, as if he needed her physical support. He was panting and his hot breath fanned her skin. One of her hands left his shirt and buried it in his hair; it was still damp from his shower.**

Lily swallowed, her face a little pink. She rubbed her eyes. It had been a long, tiring day, and she had been forced to skip lunch to pop into the library and borrow a Transfiguration book. She was feeling hungry and tired, that must be the reason she was feeling so lightheaded.

**And then, her oxygen-depleted brain thought it best to ruin this stunningly intimate moment by making her blurt out, "But…I thought you…I thought you didn't fancy me any more?"**

**Potter slowly lifted his head up and her hand fell from his hair to his shoulder. He stared at her, his hazel eyes burning with hard disbelief.**

**"Whatever gave you the mad idea that I ****_didn't_****?"**

**"You haven't asked me yet, you ignore me, you…you…" She trailed off as her heart started a mad tattoo against her chest. "You still fancy me?"**

Remus smiled, thouroughly enjoying the fanfiction. _Alas, if only things were this simple in real life_, he contemplated_, of course, in real life, Lily's buried so deep in the denial she's built like a fortress around herself over the last seven years, she's practically six feet under!_

**"Of course I do…I haven't asked you out yet this year because the last time I did you said you'd rather be fed to a starved Chimera. Do you know how discouraging hearing that is?" She winced, remembering that particular moment had also involved a shoe being thrown at his head. "And, anyway, when did you suddenly decide that you wanted me to ask you out? When I…I stopped asking you?"**

**"Well, that…and when you stopped being such a prat to everyone and when you got a sense of responsibility and when you – "**

Lily glanced at James again, it was true, he had matured a great deal.

**"Evans," he said in a low voice. "Shut up."**

**Then his lips were on hers again and she was lost in the hot, heavy sensation that was kissing James Potter. Her fingers were immediately back at work on those buttons and the last few were undone in a matter of moments. She slid her hands under his opened shirt, touching hot skin, feeling the firm muscle she had fantasised about for weeks-**

Lily ran a hand through her red hair, this was a little too intense for her liking. Especially since James bloody Potter, who she was intensely snogging in the Fanfiction, was sitting a few feet away from her. And he was smirking.

**It was then that Lily's rational side decided to make an appearance and started sounding the mental alarm bells. She was full-on snogging James Potter in the library where anyone could see or hear them, he had just pulled her shirt over her head, he was running his hands up her sides,**

Lily blinked, feeling very warm all of a sudden. She suddenly felt a strong urge to run away and hide under her covers.

She was, however, a Gryffindor, and so she forced herself to sit through this mild torture.

She should have eaten lunch.

**and they were going way too fast – but it was far too good to be real –**

**"POTTER! EVANS! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"**

**Lily's eyes snapped open and she pulled away from Potter. She stared, horrified, at the end of the row where Madam Pince stood, looking like a wraith sent from the very depths of hell.**

Remus actually grinned. "You know, I really like that description of Madam Pince. Unusual, and very… Imaginative."

Sirius gave a mock pout. "Damn it, Madam Pince. I wanted to see what was going to happen. They seemed about three seconds away from ripping each other's clothes off and shagging right there."

James just shook his head, amused.

**"Oh, shit…" Potter whispered, not sounding at all as horrifically mortified as she thought he should. She pushed him away from her, catching him by surprise and sending him flying into the aisle across the way, and began to frantically look for her shirt.**

**"YOU TWO SHOULD KNOW BETTER! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A DEN OF DEBAUCHERY!" Pince roared as she advanced, her shrill voice reaching all the way to tops of the high, vaulted ceilings. "IN ALL MY YEARS, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH IMMORAL, DEPRAVED – "**

"I can totally picture this scene. I would pay money to see this." Sirius said, grinning.

**"Potter, where the hell did you put my shirt?"**

**She was a slag, a horrible, terrible slag. She would go down as one of the biggest sluts in Hogwarts history, caught snogging shirtless in the library with a boy she wasn't even dating! And now she was going to have to run around the castle without her shirt because Potter had misplaced it! Oh, what would her mother say when she found out that she had raised such an immoral child?**

"Trust Lily to always overreact." Sirius said.

Lily would have contradicted him, but she was worried that her voice would be squeaky if she tried to say something.

**"I don't know where I put your bloody shirt – oh, here," Potter said, thrusting his shirt at her. Lily could've kissed him again. "Just put it on – I'm not to let you run around the school in just your – "**

**"JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL HEARS ABOUT THIS, YOU HORRIBLE CHILDREN!"**

Sirius chuckled, and said, "I would have loved to see this so, so much."

**Madam Pince pulled out her wand.**

"Isn't that against the rules? Hexing students, I mean." Peter asked reasonably.

"Of course, but I wouldn't put it past Pince to hex us when she's this angry." Sirius said.

**Lily barely had time to put one arm in a sleeve before Potter grabbed her hand and cried, "Run!"**

**They sprinted the opposite way down the aisle; Pince shrieked a curse and suddenly, books were flying off the shelves at them, smacking them repeatedly over the head and trying to slow them down. The books followed them as they exited the aisle (knocking some innocent gawkers in the head) and as they ran through the library.**

"Oh, gosh. That would be _so cool_." Sirius laughed.

**There was laughter and a shocking amount of catcalls as they ran by tables filled with fellow students. But nothing, however, could drown out the sound of Pince's rage.**

**"GET OUT!" she screamed. "OUT – OUT – OUT!"**

**"We're going, you miserable old hag!" Potter yelled, turning as they reached the door. He and Lily ducked as their bags and books went flying over their head. "Go snog Flich's cat, why don't you?"**

James grinned. "We need to find a Fanfiction about Pince and Filch. Or his cat."

Remus rolled his eyes. "No author is twisted enough to write something like that."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Sirius said, "Remember, there are authors that pair me and you. Anything is possible."

**An ink bottle whizzed by Potter's ear and shattered all over the door. Lily tugged his hand and pulled him into the corridor.**

**" – BANNED, THE BOTH OF YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL BORN LIVES – "**

"Your natural born lives? Why, will they be able to go in if they are ghosts? I doubt it." Peter said.

**He paused one last time to lean around the doorframe and shout, "I never liked the bloody library anyway!"**

**And then they ran like hell.**

"I liked that one." James said, grinning.

"Well, I definitely preferred it over most of the ones we've read so far." Remus said.

Lily suddenly got up. "I- er- I need to… write a- a… Transfiguration essay! Sorry… Um, Bye!" She said, then she rushed out before anybody could say anything.

"Strange," Remus said. "We didn't even have any homework in Transfiguration."

"Shall I go after her?" James asked.

"No, leave her. I think she wants to be alone. She was looking very nervous and uncomfortable whilst we were reading." Sirius said.

"So shall we wait for her, or shall we read the next one?" Peter asked.

"Let's read the next one. We don't know when she's going to come back, and she made the decision of leaving." Sirius said.

James looked torn, but eventually he agreed.

"Alright, who wants to read the next one?"

**A/N: If you haven't already, read and review the full oneshot (this was an excerpt from the real thing)!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	16. Storme's Adventures

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Sixteen: Storme's Adventures**

**First Uploaded: June 27th, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1st, 2016**

**Disclaimer: In case you haven't already guessed by now, I don't own the world of Harry Potter.**

**Warning: Swearing galore ahead! Don't feel comfortable with that? Don't worry, Lily hates it too.**

**2nd Warning: The following fanfiction is horrible on another level. Think… Reymana, just an even more twisted plot and OOCness. I am not responsible for any crying for humanity that results from reading it! :P**

Lily stood outside the door, listening what the others were saying. She heard Potter offering to go after her, but (thank Merlin) he didn't. The others had just decided to read another story when she realized that she was being stupid.

Now that she was away from the others (and, mostly, Potter), she could think clearly again. She rubbed her temples, tied her hair into a ponytail, took a long drink from her flask and breathed in deeply. Then she fixed her face into a confident, winning smile, opened the door, and stepped back into the classroom.

"Silly me, we didn't even have any Transfiguration homework!" she said brightly.

Sirius struggled to hide a smirk.

Lily smiled again, and chose to sit on the chair that was furthest away from Potter.

"Well, what are we reading?" She asked.

"This one is called **Storme's Adventures**." Sirius said. He scanned the page quickly and sighed. "And I can see… 10 spelling errors after just looking once."

Remus groaned. "Please don't tell me when there's one. It'll be bad enough without you telling me every two sentences what's wrong. Badly written ones always seem to include _at least _one of the following: Mary Sues, stupid plotlines, bad dialogue or us acting completely out of character."

Sirius smacked his head on the table. After looking at it once, he could already tell that it contained all of the things Remus had mentioned.

Lily was actually secretly happy that they were going to read something bad, they were easy to complain about, and they _definitely _didn't plant strange thoughts in her mind.

"Well, let's get it over with, shall we?"

**"Byeee mum!"**

Sirius frowned and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "One sentence in and I already hate it."

**I shouted from downstairs.**

**"Byeee! Luv you!" She shouted back.**

"When do you think this is taking place?" James asked.

"Probably the 1st of September, on the first day of our seventh year. That's when these types of Fanfiction usually start," Remus said.

"If I get paired with this Storme chick, I'll punch something." Sirius said darkly.

Peter inched away from Sirius - it was pretty likely that Sirius would have to end up with the Mary Sue.

**I stepped outside, and felt cold. Maybe that was because I was wearing a pair of super duper short hotpants and a seethrough top that was wayyy too teight and showed off my 'assets'.**

The sad thing was that nobody felt the need to comment on these ridiculous clothes, they had been expecting them.

**My name is**

"This is when we get the stupid, Mary Sue-esque name." Peter said.

**Storme**

"Imagine being called that." Sirius said. "And it's not even just 'Storm', there's this obnoxious 'e' at the end that just makes it even more Mary-Sue-esque."

**Brokencloud**

"It's getting worse and worse."

**Sundarkset**

"Are they kidding me?"

**Reallife**

"This is too bad."

**Evans.**

Lily looked up. "What?"

"Yep, it says Evans," Sirius said, pointing at the screen.

"So now I have this mysterious sister, or what?"

"Seems like it. Not that that's the craziest thing these authors come up with." James said.

Lily ignored him. "And I already have a sister – Petunia. She isn't a witch, so why would this sister of mine be magical?"

"Probably because she's a Mary Sue." James said.

Lily ignored him again, and said, "Also, then where am I?"

**I used to be called Lily Evans**

"Oh, wait, so that's me?" Lily asked.

"Apparently." Sirius said.

"That's ridiculous. I would never change my name to that, I would never wear clothes like what this character is wearing, and my mum would never shout goodbye from upstairs."

"Lily, dear, I don't know why you haven't picked up on this yet, but Fanfiction is often ridiculous." Sirius said.

**but I changed my name because that name suckssss!**

Lily scowled. "I- excuse me? My name does not 'suck'."

"I think your name is very nice. It has a nice ring to it." James told her.

Lily ignored him again, but there was some feeling in the pit of her stomach that was making her feel rather… odd. _I'm just hungry, _she told herself.

**Oh, and btw**

Remus shut his eyes. "I will not rant, I will not rant, I will not- Damn it! Why is the author too lazy to write three words? Why does she insist on saying 'btw'! Gosh, it makes me so angry!"

**I dyed my hair black**

"And why would I do that?" Lily asked, irritated.

"Because you're stupid?" Sirius supplied helpfully.

Lily glared at him.

"Oh, not in real life, in the Fanfiction, I mean."

The corners of Lily's mouth twitched. "You had better mean that."

**and it reaches my waist and I have blue highligts**

"Because, of course, Hogwarts would definitely allow all students to have blue highlights in their hair."

**in it and I wear contacts that are blue (becuz green eyes succcckkk!**

"Excuse me? No, they do not."

"I think your eyes are very nice, Lily." James said.

Lily's stomach lurched, but Lily ignored it (Or tried to, at least).

**No offence, Sally!)**

"And are we supposed to know who this is?" Peter asked.

**and I am not a prefect (and not a nerd)**

"Still don't know what that is!" Peter said to the laptop.

"Obviously it's someone studious." Remus said. He had not been commenting much on the story so far, and was not planning to soon. He decided that stories like these were below him, and getting angry about the stupid mistakes was a waste of his time.

**infact I dont study at all.**

Lily groaned. "So, is this right: I look different, I act differently, my _name _is different – why bother making this me? Why not just create an original character?"

"Obviously the author wants this girl to end up with Prongs, and all authors have seemed to decide that you will end up together." Sirius said, smiling innocently.

Lily really hated Sirius at that moment.

**I am a reall bad girl, and all the guys love me.**

"Everybody that can't imagine Lily as a 'reall bad girl' say 'Aye'!" Sirius said.

"Aye," all the other Marauders said at the same time.

Lily shook her head. "I'm glad. I assure you that I have no interest in becoming one."

James smiled at her, and Lily quickly averted her eyes, feeling slightly flustered.

**Oh, and I'm in Slythytherin,**

Sirius laughed. "Honestly, Lily in Slytherin? And how did the author even spell it? Sly-thy-therin?"

**and the maraders are in Slytherin too.**

Sirius scowled. "Never, ever, not even as a joke, claim that I am in Slytherin. I hate this author."

"Out of all the things she's done so far, this is what you hate most?" Lily asked.

"Yeah. The rest of the stuff was mainly bad for you, so I don't really care." Sirius said, shooting Lily a grin.

**I step onto the Hg express (geddit? Hg!)**

There was silence for a second, before Peter said slowly, "I don't get it."

"Don't worry, I don't, either." Sirius said.

**and I spot my 2 bffs, Crystal and Stardust.**

"So not only was this chick's mother high when she named her, but apparently her best friends' mothers were too." Sirius said.

Lily frowned at him. "Nope, didn't you hear what she said? She used to be called Lily Evans, but she changed her name to Storme Starbreak Reallife Evans, or whatever she's called. Probably the other girls did something similar."

"Or maybe the author just can't think up names." Remus said.

**Crystal is a vampire,**

"D'ya think Dumbledore would allow a vampire into Hogwarts?" Peter asked.

"Erm, yeah. I do," Sirius said quickly, glancing at his werewolf friend.

**and she is a goth. She has platinum hair becuz she is Malfoy's sister,**

"Wait, this suddenly got way more complicated. Malfoy's vampire sister?"

**but neither of them know YET!**

James raised an eyebrow. "Yet? So the author just gave a bit of key plot away? That's stupid."

"This author is stupid," Peter said.

**She also has purple eyes and she always wears black lipstick.**

"I definitely doubt that the teachers would allow that." Lily said.

**Stardust has platinum hair, too, becuz she is Crystalls twin**

"And therefore Malfoy's sister?" Peter asked.

**(but not malfoys sister.**

"Now that's just impossible."

**Duh, it's MAGIC!)**

"I really doubt that magic would be able to do that," Remus spoke up. "Unless this sister is some kind of duplicated version of the sister… But even then she would be related to Malfoy. It's impossible. Also, it really bugs me when people use 'magic' as an excuse for impossible things. This wouldn't be possible even with the most advanced magic there is."

**and she has red eyes becuz she is not a vampire, but she wants to be.**

"Who would want to be a vampire? 'Oh I really want to turn into a bloodsucking creature like my _cool _twin sister'?" Peter asked.

Sirius glanced at Remus and hastily continued reading, things like these were always sore topics.

**I am like "Hi girlies!" and they are like "Hi Stormie!" (my nickname).**

"This is where the awful dialogue takes over." Sirius said.

**Crystal asks me "have you seen Sirius?" and I say "No, why? OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU LOVE HIM DON'T YOU!11!"**

"Wow. She's… enthusiastic," Sirius said, then he realised the implication of the sentence. "No, please don't ship me with her! Author, please!"

**"NO OMFG I DON'T YOU BITCH HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT!?"**

"Overuse of question marks. My eyes!" Sirius said. "And by the way: Good. I don't want this girl fancying me."

**she yells at me.**

**"Oh, ok. Sorry." I say**

"Well, that was fast."

**"It's okay" she shrugs, and we hug.**

**Stardust (Dustie**

"Stupid nickname for a stupid name." Peter said.

**for short) asks, "But what the hell you bitch?**

"And now we get to the swearing. Yay." Sirius said.

**You told me you love him!"**

**"WHAT THE FUCK?! I HATE YOU YOU BITCH! WHY DID YOU TELL STORME!?" Crystal yells.**

"This is so bleeding rubbish. If this was paper, I would rip it up. Now." Sirius said.

**"OMFG YOU CAN'T LIE TO ME?! WERE BFFS!" I shout.**

**"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK CRYSTAL?! STORME IS YOUR BFF! YOU CAN'T LIE YOU BITCH!" Sandie (aka dusty) says.**

Sirius inhaled deeply, and exhaled. "I'm going to punch something." He said. "This is such bullshit, I can't believe that people this stupid really exist."

**"I HATE YOU!" I yell. I link arms with Sandie and we flounce off.**

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment before continuing to read.

Remus had already put his hands over his ears, it was practically torture listening to things like this.

**"YOU UGLY BITCHES1 I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Crystal yells.**

**"FINE YOU BITCH!" I yell back.**

"Shall we stop the swearing? It's hurting my ears." Lily said.

"Oh, poor little Lily-flower is too pure to hear such vulgar things…" Sirius said, winking at her. Unperturbed by her glare, he asked her, "What do you suggest?"

"Just say… Plop instead of swear words." Lily said.

"Plop?! But I won't be able to stop laughing! _'Fine you plop!'_" He said before bursting out in a fit of chuckles.

**"Whos a PLOP?" Serius asks me. I say, "Oh, Crystal. She likes you but she's a whoring**

"Wait, I've got an idea. Instead of bitch, say plop. Instead of whore, say… bling. And instead of the f-bomb, say… beep." Lily suggested.

Sirius shrugged, laughing, and continued reading.

**PLOP so stay away from her, she has desises!"**

"What's 'desises' supposed to mean?" Sirius asked.

"I think it means diseases." James said.

**I tell him evilly.**

"This is honestly too stupid to be real. This can't get any worse…"

**He frowns. "Oh, gross. He, Sandie, wanna go make out?" he asks her.**

"And I stand corrected," Sirius said. "I just randomly ask a girl I barely know if she wants to 'go make out' with me." He slapped his face with his hand.

**"Sure." She shrugs. They go to the bathroom. I shrug.**

"Tacky. She only just used that word a sentence ago."

**"Hey, Pinapple!" someone says from behind me. I whip around.**

**"Oh. Hi." I say to Devil**

"She just met the devil? Good. He can take her where she belongs."

"No, obviously it's someone _called _Devil. There was no 'the' before it." Lily said.

"Well, with these types of stupid authors, you never know." Sirius said.

"True, she might have just forgotten, and accidentally capitalised it." James said.

**(he used to be called James but he changed his name**

James pulled a face. "Why would I change my name to 'Devil'? That's horrible."

"This Fanfiction is horrible." Sirius said.

**(and he's in Slytherin, remember?)).**

"Oh, please no." James said.

**Btw, Pinapple is the name he gave me (so cute, right?)**

"No. Not cute. Not cute at all."

**"Hey Dev!" I say, hugging him.**

"So we've gotten to a hugging point, eh, Lily?" James winked at Lily.

Lily's insides squirmed. "Er, sure." She said distractedly.

**Later that week we were going to McGonagal.**

"Wait, what kind of a transition is that?" Peter asked.

"Some authors haven't quite mastered time transitions." Sirius said.

**"Okay everybody, quiet!" she says.**

**Nobody listens.**

"Psh. As if. Everybody, and with that I mean the most evil Slytherins, listens when Minnie tells everyone to be quiet."

**I am chatting with Lupin (lol I forgot his first name)**

Remus scowled darkly, and started humming under his breath.

**(oh and btw he is not a werewolf cuz that's gross!).**

Everybody looked at Remus worriedly. He stood up and grabbed his bag.

"Right, that's it. I'm going down to the kitchens. Wait for me before reading the next story." He said before storming out.

"And why would the author make being a werewolf 'gross' but being a vampire is _cool_?" Sirius asked when Remus was gone.

**Oh, and Peter Pettigrew doesn't exist he died as a first year**

"Um, _excuse me_? Why? What did I do to this author?" Peter asked, looking hurt and upset.

**(he got pushed in front of the Hg express).**

"What the hell? What's this author's problem?" Peter asked. "I think I'm going to the kitchens too." He said, collecting his things and hurrying after Remus.

**Sandie and Serius are making out in the corner.**

"You going to storm out too?" James asked Sirius in an attempt to break the tension.

"Yeah, right. Nothing can scare away Mr Sirius Black." Sirius smiled.

**Crystal is sitting alone in the corner like the dum bitch**

"Er, I mean PLOP!" Sirius quickly corrected himself.

**she really is.**

"Well, that was fast…" Lily said. "One moment they're best friends, the next moment they hate her. Stupid author."

**Devil is staring at me, and I blushie…**

"You 'blushie'? What's that?"

"A cuter version of blush created by the author?" Lily said seriously.

"I wouldn't put that past them." Sirius shrugged.

**(Cute :3**

"And what's the colon doing next to a three?" Sirius asked.

"Probably the author thinks it's not cute once or twice, but _three _times." Lily suggested.

"I didn't get that,"

"I don't get your face."

"That's not nice, Evans,"

Lily grinned at him, and, shaking his head, he continued reading.

**right? Oh, btw: 3:) = DEVIL! LOL!)**

"I don't get that." Sirius said, but as Lily opened her mouth, he cut across her. "Don't say it, Evans."

"I-"

"Don't!"

"I-"

"No!"

"I-"

"Don't!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, SIRIUS!" Lily yelled.

"Jeez, no need to get angry!" Sirius said, not bothered by her glare.

"I _wanted _to say, you won't be able to get these authors unless your mind is as twisted as theirs."

"Oh. That's not half bad," Sirius said.

**"SHUT UP YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!" McGonie shouts.**

"Like she would ever say that. This author is stupid." James said.

"We established that ages ago." Sirius said, patting James on the arm in a fake comforting way.

"Prat…" James muttered.

**Everybody ignores her.**

**"IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCKING**

"I mean beeping!"

**HELL UP RIGHT NOW I'LL beeping KILL YOU!" She screams.**

Lily massaged her temples. "This is honestly so stupid it hurts."

She sighed and stretched, wishing for nothing more than this Fanfiction to be over.

**Everybody shuts up apart from Crystal becuz she's a stupid looser.**

Lily wondered whether she should do what Remus and Peter had, and simply leave. She had a headache, and her stomach was feeling weird since the last Fanfiction.

However as she opened her mouth to say she was leaving, she sighed. Somehow she wanted to stay. And she had no idea where the kitchen was, so that played a role, too.

**"AVADA KEDAVRA!" McGonnie shouts at Crystal. She falls to the ground.**

"I hate this author. I really do." Sirius said.

**"SHIT!" I yell. "WHAT THE HELL YOU PSYCHO?!" I yell at McGonnue.**

"There are so many faults with this story, it would take several days to list them all." James said.

**I run to Cris and start crying prettily.**

Sirius snorted, but let the comment slide.

**"Oh, no, Cris, I'm so sorry for shouting at you! I really am!" I wail. Then I realise that she is dead and can't hear me. I feel stupid and stand up.**

Lily groaned and lay her head on the desk. She had preferred the last Fanfiction to this. _Oh Merlin. I did not just think that! That one was the worst thing I ever heard! Honestly, me and James? Psh. As if._

**Sandie is still making out with Serius.**

"That's it. I'm going. Prongs, you read." Sirius said, nearly chucking the device at James. "Can't this idiotic, stupid, half-witted author learn to spell my name correctly?"

Lily glanced at him. "You do know that idiotic, stupid and half-witted all mean the same, right?"

Sirius glared at her and stormed out. Lily didn't notice his sly smirk.

Lily's heartbeat increased suddenly. She was alone in a room with James- er, Potter.

"Erm, I'll just continue reading, shall I?" James asked awkwardly.

Lily nodded distractedly, suddenly feeling very warm.

**"Oh, Pini," Devil says soothingly. He kissis me romantically.**

Lily felt like her insides were churning, and her hands were practically shaking from her nervousness.

**"OMFG WHAT THE HELL?" Cris shouts.**

"Wait, wasn't she dead?" James asked Lily, who didn't reply.

**"OMFG AREN'T YOU DEAD?" I shout.**

**"OMFG WHAT IS GOING ON?" Devil shouts.**

**"OMFG YOUR ALIVE!" McGonnie shouts.**

"What does 'OMFG' even mean?" James asked her.

Lily opened her mouth to reply, but no words came out. She was sweating, and she desperately needed fresh air.

"I'll just assume it means 'Old Merlin Farts Gold', shall I?" He said jokingly.

Lily attempted a smile, but it came out as more of a grimace.

James' smile faltered.

**"OMFG YOU DIED?" Sandie shouts, stopping from making out with Motor. (Sirius changed his name to motor (like motorcycle)**

James didn't bother commenting; it wasn't like Lily would answer him.

**"OMFG YOU ARE SO PRETTY! BE MY GIRLFRIEND!" Motor shouts.**

**"OMFG YES!" Cris shout.**

**"OMFG NO!" Sandie shouts.**

**"OMFG SANDIE YOU ARE A BITCH I HATE YOU AND YOU ARE A REALLY BAD KISSER!" Motor shouts.**

**"OMFG MOTOR HOW COULD YOU?" Sandie shouts.**

**"OMFG LETS GO MAKE OUT!" Cris shouts.**

"Okay. This is so, so, _so _stupid. Remind me why we are reading this?" James asked Lily.

"To unlock the next story," Lily said, trying to keep her voice even.

"Oh, yeah." James said.

"Stupid…" Lily muttered under her breath. This stupid story, stupid Fanfiction, but most of all, stupid Potter.

James frowned, and said, "I hope you're talking about this story,"

Lily glared at him. "No, I'm talking about you!"

"What did I do now?" James asked, raising his hands in defeat.

"You're asking stupid questions, you're enjoying these ridiculous stories, and YOU'RE BEING NICE TO ME!"

"So being nice is a crime now?" James asked, his voice rising.

"It is when you are being nice to me!" Lily yelled at him.

"What? Why? Excuse me for not wanting to hold shouting matches every week anymore!"

"Just continue the story." Lily said, glaring at him.

**"OMFG WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING?" I shout.**

James read tonelessly.

**"OMFG BE MY GIRLFRIEND, PINI?" Devil shouts.**

**"OMFG YES!" I shout.**

**"OMFG STORME YOU TRAITOR I LIKED DEVIL!" Sandie shouts.**

**"OMFG WTH SANDIE? YOU LIKE MOTOR!" I shout back.**

**"OMFG NOT ANYMORE! DEVIL IS MINE!" Sandie shouts. Cris and Motor go to make out.**

Lily wasn't even listening to the story anymore, her head was spinning.

**"OMFG YOU BITCH HE IS MINE! WE ARE NO LONGER BFFS!" I shout, and start making out with Devil.**

**"OMFG STORME YOU BITCH I HATE YOU!" Sandie yells.**

**"oh… my… gosh… I'M A LESBIAN!" I scream.**

James hardly heard what he was reading. What was her problem? He was nasty to her, she yelled at him. He was nice to her, she yelled at him. He ignored her, she yelled at him. What did she want?

**"ME TOO!" Sandie shouts.**

**"LET'S GET TOGETHER!" I yell.**

Lily wasn't listening anymore – there was nothing worth listening to, anyway.

What was his problem? He said it like she had _enjoyed _the shouting matches they had had. Then, suddenly, he had completely changed, and started to ignore her! Then, when she had only just gotten used to that, he had started being _nice _to her! How was she supposed to deal with that?

Anyway, Potter and Evans getting along was like… McGonagall eloping with Flitwick! Against the laws of nature!

**"OKAY! LETS GO MAKE OUT!" I shriek.**

**"wait, what about me?" Devil asks sadly.**

**"Oh, I'm preggers, Devil. I'm calling our child Harry." I tell him. He looks surprised. "Ok, I'm totes kidding. I'm calling his Diamondwrecker." He sighs, relifed.**

James read. What did Evans want from him? He wished they could just get along, but she seemed to always want to row with him, whatever he did.

**"Wanna go make out?" he asks me.**

**"NO I'M A LESBIAN! REMEMBER?" I yell at him.**

**"FINE! THEN I'M GAY! HURRICANE?" he yells. (Hurricane is Lupin he just changed his name).**

**"Yeah?" Hurricane asks.**

Lily wished this would be over so she could just go out of the room. She wanted to think without Potter sitting over there looking so darn good!

_Oh my Merlin, did I just think of Potter as GOOD-LOOKING? What's going on with me? I'm going mad! I've finally snapped after reading so much Fanfiction! I need to get out of here!_

**"LETS GO MAKE OUT!" Devil yells.**

**"Okay" hurricane shrugs.**

**They run out. I run out with Sandie.**

**"Am I the only straight one here?" McGonnie asks.**

**"Yep." All the other students say, then they all run away to make out. (theyre all gays and lesbies)**

**"Hey, Minniepoo, let's go make out!" Dumblidore says.**

**"Okay," she shrugs.**

**THE END**

"Done." James sighed.

"Fine. I'll go now." Lily snapped.

"What's your problem, Evans?" he asked her.

"You are."

"What did I even do?"

Lily ran a hand through her hair. "I can't stand you, and you have to be nice to me! Can't we just go back to how we used to be?"_Everything was so simple then._

"Well, sorry for being _nice_," James replied irritably. Why was she so bloody complicated?

Lily ignored him, grabbed her stuff and left, leaving a hurt and confused James behind.


	17. James' Guide to Getting Lily

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Seventeen: James' Guide to Getting Lily**

**First Uploaded: July 27****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Harry Potter – I probably couldn't handle that much responsibility, anyway.**

Lily barged into her dormitory, only to find her best friend, Livia Carter, lying on the bed reading Witch Weekly.

"What's up, Lily? Is something the matter?" Livia asked, taking in Lily's dishevelled appearance.

"Yes!" Lily sighed, flopping down onto the bed.

"Well, are you going to tell me?" Livia asked after a moment of silence.

"Okay. I need your advice." Lily said.

Livia put down her magazine. "I'm all ears."

"Well," Lily began carefully. "I have this… uh… _friend_, who knows this guy, and they used to hate each other, but suddenly the guy became all nice and serious, and I- er, my friend doesn't really know what happened, why everything suddenly changed. Also, my friend is feeling really confused, because this friend of mine found out that this guy and his friends have this, uh, _thing _with stories about himself and m- my friend and his friends and other people we- er, they know – or, well, we know them too, but anyway – so, they read this story about themselves, and in the story my _friend _er, sort of fancied - um, this guy, and they ended up snogging, and it was making my friend feel really uncomfortable and weird. And my friend would really like to know what that all meant, and if she should stop reading these stories (most of them are really badly written by silly preteen girls fantasising about meeting S- uh, this guy's best friend. Um, according to my friend, I mean.), because they are making her go mad."

Livia stared at her blankly. "I have no idea what you were talking about."

Lily groaned. "Please don't make me repeat all that."

Livia raised an eyebrow. "Y'know, Lily, subtlety really isn't your strong point."

Lily propped herself up so she could look at Livia. "What do you mean?"

Livia grinned. "I know the story was all about you and James. Not your, er- uh, _friend_."

Lily flopped back onto her bed. "Wow, I really am bad at subtlety."

"But _why in Merlin's name _do you have a book, or thing, or whatever, filled with stories about you?"

"Well, I guess I can tell you, I mean Potter's friends all know… Well, Sirius stole a strange device from Filch's office, and it is from the future, and it contains so-called Fanfiction about us, and people we know, like Snape." Lily explained.

Livia looked confused. "Why do you have fans?"

"Pardon?"

"Well, it's called FAN-fiction, so it's fiction written by fans." Livia said.

"Wow. You know, I never really made that connection. Why the hell do I have _fans? _Why the hell does _Potter _have fans? WHY THE HELL DOES AVERY HAVE FANS?"

"You read one about Avery?" Livia asked.

"Truth or Dare one. Long story," Lily said dismissively. "I can't believe there are actual people that think that me being Remus' psychopathic, murdering mother would be a good idea."

"Wait – what?"

Lily groaned. "It's a long story."

"Well, I have time…"

James sighed and put the device in his bag. He honestly didn't understand that girl. Why did she have to be so bloody complicated?

"So, how'd it go?" Sirius asked, poking his head through the classroom door.

James didn't bother looking up. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, obviously, you and Little Miss Evans." Sirius said, plopping down on a chair opposite James. "Merlin, these chairs are hard!" he whined, rubbing his backside. "Why didn't you tell me?"

James raised an eyebrow at him. "You do know that we have been having classes in chairs exactly like these for the past seven years?"

Sirius scowled. "Yeah, but… Anyway, enough of that. What between you and Evans?"

"Nothing!"

"Yeah, I gathered that by the bad mood you appear to be in right now. If she would have snogged you senseless, you would probably be dancing around the room by now."

"Why would she have snogged me? The girl bloody hates me!" James said, running a hand through his hair.

"Puh-lease. The sexual tension was so thick, I could have eaten it. If I had any interest in eating air, that is. Or sexual tension, I'm not really sure what I'm referring to. Well, either way, I'm not interested in eating either of those things, and I have really distracted from my first point, haven't I. Which was that there was loads of sexual tension in the air."

James groaned. "Well, in case you care, after you ditched me-"

"I didn't ditch you! I gave you an opportunity!"

"We read the story in pretty much silence (the story was shit, in case you care). She made some snappy comments at me, occasionally insulting ones (for no reason), and then she started shouting at me for being nice, and then she stormed out.

"Sounds like our little Lily is in denial." Sirius said.

"Yeah. I mean, no. She hates me, and that's that. And it's never going to change, no matter what I do." James said, sighing in defeat.

"So what _are _you going to do?" Sirius asked him.

"Nothing. I'm over her."

Sirius snorted. "Please. The day you get over Lily is the day I marry Bellatrix."

"Well, I'm sure you mum would approve," James said, pulling the laptop out of his bag.

"Stop talking. Now." Sirius said, pointing a warning finger at him. "Anyway, why are you taking the Fanfiction-thingy out?"

"We should take it to Dumbledore. It's done enough damage."

"Damage? You mean, make Lilykins uncomfortable enough to consider that she might have feelings for you?" Sirius said, snatching the device from James. "Anyway, if we give it to Albus, he'll just have loads of fun reading Fanfiction about himself. I can just imagine him sitting cosily in his office, laughing at the ridiculous stories."

James raised an eyebrow at him. "You think so? I'd think that he would appreciate us taking it to him, and spend a long time doing research and experiments, before taking it to the Department of Mysteries."

"Psh. I like my version better."

James sighed. "So, what are we going to do?"

Sirius opened the device, and grinned as the laptop selected the next story. "I think this magical device knows what it's doing."

James peered at the screen, and saw the title: **James' Guide To Getting Lilly.**

"Sounds like just what we need." Sirius said, passing James the machine. "I'll let you read."

"Alright. This is the description: **My advice to James (or to you, if you are like James), because with these tips, he could have gotten Lily a hell-of-a lot faster.**

"So far, so good." Sirius said.

**Tip 1:**

**STOP BEING A JERK!**

"What's a jerk?"

"It's the American word for prat."

"What? I'm a very nice, and not-jerk-like person!"

**This is the most important point, because this was the main reason that she hated you. If you do this, then she will soon see sense.**

"Erm, no. I stopped being a prat in sixth year!"

"Maybe this fic is meant for your fourth-to-fifth year self."

"Well, in that case, it's two years too late." James said.

**Tip 2:**

**DON'T BULLY PEOPLE!**

"Again, I stopped in sixth year."

**This may seem the same as tip one, but I think I should mention it again. Be nice to everybody, and she will be nice to you.**

"Again: Erm, no."

**Tip 3:**

**DON'T ASK HER OUT ALL THE TIME!**

"I think I am finding this extremely useless. I already know this, and it's not working."

**This was really annoying for her, so if you do this she will be surprised and feel strange.**

"But still hate me for not asking her out, so she can reject me." James said darkly.

"C'mon, mate. Give this a chance!"

**Tip 4:**

**DON'T BE A SHOW-OFF!**

"Done that!" James said, ruffling his hair in an annoyed way.

**This includes not fluffing your hair,**

Sirius smirked at him. "You can start now."

James frowned at him, but continued reading.

**bragging,**

"Check," James said.

**being narcissistic,**

"Check,"

**pulling extravagant pranks**

"What? No way!" James and Sirius shouted at the same time.

"Yeah, I think I'll just skip that one."

**(and taking the blame for them like a big-headed idiot),**

"Fine. I'll take the blame for them like a normal-sized-headed intelligent seventh year. What's the point in pulling a prank if nobody knows it was you?"

**sucking up to the teachers**

James nearly choked on thin air. "What?" he spluttered. "I am the least suck-up in the world!"

"Except for me," Sirius interrupted.

"I seem to remember an incident where you told Minnie she was the best teacher in the world, then proceeded to ask her if you could not get homework."

"But-"

"Case closed."

**(in a I-am-such-a-cool-bad-boy-yet-you-still-love-me way), getting great grades without picking up a book**

"But why should I bother studying if I can do it anyway?"

**(if she sees you studying, I'll guarantee that she'll be impressed),**

"Nothing that I do could ever impress her…"

**and, last but definitely not least, sleeping with other girls.**

Sirius snorted.

**(A/N: I'm not sure if James and Sirius were really like that, but since some Fanfiction authors seem to think so, I thought I'd add it in.)**

"I love how the author added that in." James said.

**Tip 5:**

**GIVE HER SPACE!**

Sirius clapped his hands together, making James start.

"And this is where this Fanfiction starts becoming useful." He said.

**This is sort of the same as tip #3, but I mean this, too: If you have done all of the above, then she will be feeling pretty overwhelmed. Give her some time to think, and wait for a while before making a move.**

"Yes. Do that." Sirius said, leaning back on the wooden chair.

"And what makes you such an expert?" James asked.

"Well, I've been listening to you ranting about her, you moping about her, you raving about her, you complaining about her, and all your famous shouting matches. Oh, and I almost forgot: You forcing use to help with your schemes to ask her out, and her rejecting you.

James looked at him over his glasses. "I'm beginning to think that I've spent way too much time on that girl."

"Oh, really?"

**Tip 6:**

**IGNORE HER RANTS! (if she still shouts at you if you have done the above for at least a year)**

"Easier said than done," James muttered.

**If she yells at you for "being nice",**

"Oho, now we are getting to the useful parts." James said, sitting up straighter.

**"not yelling at her", "changing", or "confusing her", then ignore it.**

"Well, it's rather hard…"

**She is just trying to make herself feel better, and she is confused why you changed. She is also (I presume) chin-deep in denial,**

Sirius grinned. "This author is smart!"

James looked at him. "Why?"

"This is exactly what I was telling you, and everybody knows that great minds think alike."

**and she just wants things to go back to how they were. Just let her yell, and wait until she sees sense.**

"What if she takes several years to see sense?" James asked the laptop screen.

"Simple:" Sirius said. "Wait for several years."

James glared at him. "You are not helping."

"I beg to differ. I have just explained-"

"Yeah, yeah. Let me continue."

**Tip 8:**

**GIVE HER SOME SUBTLE COMPLIMENTS! (and watch her reaction)**

"Okay, and how?"

"Read on." Sirius said.

**Give her some simple and sweet compliments, like: "You're hair looks nice today," "I'm jealous of how smart you are," or "You have a really nice laugh."**

"That's quite good," Sirius said, looking impressed. "Subtle enough to keep her from thinking that you are hitting on her, but obvious enough for her to feel touched."

"I should try them." James said thoughtfully.

**If she blushes and looks mildly uncomfortable (but in an oh-stop-it-(no-don't) way),**

"A what?" James asked. "An oh-stop-it-(no-don't) way? What the heck is that?"

"Obviously-"

"_Obviously,_" James mimicked.

"It means that she is feeling touched, and says 'Oh stop it', but she actually wants you to keep on complimenting her."

**then she likes you!**

**If she looks at you in a weird way (Like you are crazy), then wait a while (and continue to follow the other tips!)**

"And how will I know which one it is?"

"You'll know." Sirius said.

"And if I don't?"

"I'll tell you." Sirius said impatiently. "Now keep reading."

**Tip 9:**

**SHOW HER HOW MATURE YOU ARE!**

**This includes helping others, reading, having intelligent conversations with her, and being a good student.**

"I already do all of those things!" James said.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his friend.

"What? I helped a first year find their transfiguration book, I read '_The Best Quidditch Teams, Brooms and Players', _I once chatted about Herbology during the lesson with her, and I get great grades!"

Sirius snorted. "It took you one second to summon that first year's book, Quidditch books don't count (in Lily's eyes), that conversation ended with her dunking the plant on your head, and you get great grades without picking up a book. Which Lily hates, by the way."

James scowled. "Yeah, but… still."

**Tip 10:**

**WAIT FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT!**

**Don't make your move until you are sure that the timing is right. She might freak out, and you will ruin what you have.**

"Right. So now what?" Sirius asked.

"Wait, there's still a bit…"

**NOW: GOOD LUCK!**

**James, trust me. You are meant for each other. And, whatever you do, don't give up.**

"That's… good, I guess. The author seems pretty convinced that we'll end up together."

"Of course it's good. Now, let's read another story!"

"I thought we were supposed to wait for Remus and Peter," James pointed out.

"Yeah, but it's their fault that they are taking so long. So, shall we?"

"Sure."

**A/N: See that cute little review button? It's just begging to be pressed! Leave me a review?**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	18. The Mighty Prongs (Quidditch)

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Eighteen: The Mighty Prongs**

**First Uploaded: August 25****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I do wonder, though, whether JK Rowling has ever read fanfiction before.**

**Disclaimerx2: This oneshot was written by Patronus12. Thanks a million!**

Livia was feeling quite dazed after Lily told her most of the details of what she had missed.

"So, why am I feeling this way when I'm around Potter?" Lily asked her.

"What?" Livia asked, still struggling to come to terms with the fact that people in the future would write Fanfiction about Lily and the marauders.

"Why. Am. I. Feeling. This. Way. Around. Potter." Lily repeated slowly, like speaking to a child.

"Oh." She said.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

Lily threw her pillow across at her friend, knocking Livia out of her daze.

"You fancy him!" Livia said.

Lily frowned. "No, I don't."

"Look, Lily. The weird feeling in your stomach, excess blushing, feeling warm, increased heart rate, and the list goes on. These are all symptoms of having a crush on someone!"

Lily sat up on her bed. "No, no, no. The weird feeling in my stomach was because I didn't eat lunch, I always blush, because, let's face it, I'm a red-head, meaning I often blush, I was feeling warm because it was so stuffy in that classroom, and… the heart rate was because… uh… The Fanfiction was making me feel so awkward it increased my pulse." She finished triumphantly.

"And how do you explain that you started to fantasise about kissing Potter, and his abdominal muscles?" Livia asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Well," Lily said, struggling to find a suitable excuse for her behaviour, "It was the side-effect of reading that Fanfiction. See how you like it if you read one about you and Remus!"

Livia paused. "Lily, why are you so determined to not have a crush on James?"

"Well, because I'm Lily Evans, he's James Potter. We being together would be like Flitwick eloping with McGonagall. No, cancel that. It would be like Flitwick eloping with _Binns_!"

"Lily, you are in denial."

"I am _not_!"

"Fine. Lily, do you have a crush on James?"

"No. Why would you ask that now, we just discussed the fact that I don't have a crush on him! I'm sure even Sirius has a bigger crush on him than I do! In fact, McGonagall probably has a bigger crush on him than me! My lack of crush on him is so lacking, I mean, large, that… that it doesn't exist!"

"You have a crush on him."

"I do _not_!"

"Look, everybody knows that overly denying an existence of any romantic feeling indicates the presence of it." Livia said. "The lady doth protest too much."

Lily scowled. "I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM!"

"Seriously, Lily, you are just trying to convince yourself at this point."

"I hate Potter." Lily mumbled.

"No, you don't. Repeat after me: I will come to terms with the fact that I have existing feelings for James Potter."

"Fine: I don't have a crush on James Potter."

"Lily, I swear I love you to bits, but you are driving me crazy right now."

"Why?"

"Because you are the only person that can't see that you have a crush on him." Livia paused. "Well, and of course James himself, but can you blame the poor bloke? I mean, the way you treat him…"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Lily replied stubbornly.

Livia rolled her eyes. "Sure you don't, Lily-frilly."

"Don't call me that."

"Whatever."

* * *

Remus and Peter walked along the corridor, their arms filled with muffins.

"I love those house elves, I honestly do." Remus sighed happily.

"Yeah, me too." Peter grinned. "They always outdo themselves, bless them."

"I wonder what James and Sirius are getting up to." Remus said. "No, cancel that. I wonder what James and Lily are getting up to!"

"You mean, what they are _getting up to_?" Peter said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No! I mean, the emotional connection they must be building at this very moment."

Peter raised an eyebrow at his friend. "This is Lily we're talking about. She's as stubborn as a mule, especially when it comes to James. It took her a YEAR of James being super-nice for her to accept him as a human being. I think it will be at least ten years before she realises what she's feeling."

"Well, you're being very pessimistic." Remus said. Peter looked at him, stuffing a muffin whole in his mouth. Remus snickered. "I think it will only be five!"

Both of them cracked up, bits of muffins spewing out of Peter's mouth.

"Well, if it isn't Pettigrew and Lupin." Severus Snape sneered, stepping out of an empty classroom, wand raised.

Remus and Peter looked at each other and gulped.

* * *

Sirius grabbed the computer from James.

"Right, I get to read the next story."

"Fine," James said, leaning back on his chair.

"Alright, this one is called, **The mighty Prongs**."

James grinned. "I have a feeling that I'm going to like this one."

**"I'm bored. Wanna go do stuff?" Asked- you guessed it- Sirius.**

"That seems to be you're identifying sentence." James laughed.

"They even added 'you guessed it'!" Sirius smirked.

**"No. I have to go to Quidditch practice. Maybe later." Replied James.**

**"AWWWW.**

"I don't say 'AWWWW'. It sounds like something a little girl would say, but not me."

"But Sirius, you _are _a little girl!" James said.

Sirius opened his mouth, but James cut him off. "I meant mentally." He added quickly. "Mentally. Please don't go into _that _stuff…"

Sirius smirked, but quickly stopped. "I am not a little girl mentally!"

**Can I come?" Sirius asked.**

**"FINE! But sheesh,**

"What does sheesh mean?"

"Probably some slang. Whatever."

**stop whining!"**

"You were saying?" James said, raising an eyebrow.

**"I wasn't!"**

"See! I wasn't whining." Sirius said.

**"Yes, you were," Remus said from behind a large book.**

"See, you were."

**"What are you reading, a dictionary?" Sirius scoffed.**

"Probably…"

**As Remus argued with Sirius about his book, James waved bye**

"Hm. If you wave, and exit, I think you can assume that it means good-bye. I think it was unnecessary to add that."

**to Peter and snuck out.**

**He changed into his Gryffindor red and gold Seeker**

"But I'm a chaser!" James said. "Why do they think I'm a seeker?"

"No idea." Sirius shrugged. "Does it really matter that much?"

"Yeah!" James said. "Seekers don't do anything until they spot the snitch, then they have about three minutes of action, and if they catch the snitch, it's 'all hail the wonderful seeker', and if they don't, the whole team lost. Chasers do all the work, but they get way underappreciated!"

"Would this be a bad time to point out that unless they score 170 points more than the other team, they are not very useful?" Sirius asked.

James glared at him.

**robes, grabbed his broom, and walked out onto the pitch.**

**The Quidditch captain**

"At least they got that right…"

**set the snitch out, as well as the Quaffle and Bludgers. Everyone immediately took off.**

**James caught the snitch in like five minutes,**

"Hm, the like in the middle of that sentence bothers me. It doesn't even make any sense - It's like saying: 'I'm so like cool.' It shouldn't be there." Sirius said.

"You're starting to sound like Moony."

**it was AWESOME.**

"Yeah, my Quidditch practice always is awesome."

"I doubt the others would agree on that…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I seem to recall that last Quidditch practice, you had everybody wake up at 5, go outside into the pouring rain, and practice to the point of exhaustion until Dave Gudgeon threatened to knock you off your broom."

"How do you even know about that? You're not even on the team!"

"Dave told me."

**He spent the rest of practice watching everyone else, while playing in the snitch.**

"What does that mean?"

"Dunno. Probably some weird seekers logic."

**He let go of it, then always caught it just when it was about to fly off, letting it get farther away from him each time, never missing.**

"Oh! That's probably why they think you're a seeker! Remember, in fifth year when you had that snitch?"

"Oh yeah. I was practicing reflexes and showing off to Evans at the same time. Win-Win!"

"If you think showing off is the same as making her think you're an arrogant, stuck-up, boastful, obnoxious, (I'm running out of the insults she used to use) prat whose ego is larger than that of the rest of the school put together and whose head is so big she's surprised his broom can hold him up. And if you think of that as a win, sure, I guess."

"Wow, way to build my confidence…"

"Oh, you have enough of that. Evans made that pretty clear."

"Oh, shut up."

**The next day was the Gryffindor/Slytherin Quidditch match. James took off and searched for the snitch. The Gryffindor Chasers were also very good, scoring every time, and the Beaters were very good at aiming the Bludgers at the other team, but James was by far the best (due to his AWESOMENESS).**

"Yeah!"

**Sirius, Peter, and Remus cheered him on from the stands as he pulled a Wronski Feint flawlessly and with ease.**

"I think I'll forgive the author for making me a seeker, because they are being so flattering."

"You mean ego-feeding," Sirius snorted.

**When he finally saw the snitch for real, he pulled into an almost vertical dive and awesomely caught it.**

**"The score is 290-10; GRYFFINDOR WINS!"**

"Yay, and Slytherin only scored one goal. Losers."

"You know that this didn't really happen?"

"Shut up and let me enjoy it while it lasts."

**Sirius set off some fireworks that spelled out "FAIL" and sent them towards the Slytherins.**

**They jinxed Snape's hair so it became a Gryffindor-colored afro. Then, they covered him with peanut butter, Peter holding him down. Then Snape ran away screaming like a girl.**

Sirius and James both burst out laughing.

**But James had one more snitch to catch.**

**He walked up to Lily and asked, "Hey Evans, go out with me?" He was so awesome at Quidditch and everything and Lily was in such a good mood that she shrieked "YES!", kissed him, and they skipped away together, holding hands.**

"Aw, if only it was that easy in real life." Sirius said gleefully. "In real life this scene would have looked like this: 'Hey Evans, go out with me?' and then she would say, 'No, you conceited toe rag, I would rather engage in a mass orgy with the entire Slytherin Quidditch team than go out with you!'"

James stared at him, looking very disturbed. "You know that she's never actually said something like that? It was always more along the lines of 'No, you conceited toe rag, I would rather go out with the giant squid.'"

"Same thing." Sirius said dismissively. "Anyway, then you would start crying…"

James raised an eyebrow.

"…And we would laugh at your expense, then you would drink away your sorrow for the rest of the night…"

James raised his other eyebrow.

"…Of course, you would declare your love for Evans at least three times during the night…"

James scoffed and shook his head.

"…And she would pour at least two cups of butterbeer in your face..."

James snorted and ran a hand through his hair.

"Then you would hook up with some random girl,"

James rolled his eyes.

"But you would know that it isn't the same as Evans,"

James chuckled.

"…And you would at midnight, depressed and drunk, fling yourself off the astronomy tower, meeting your cold, cruel end…"

James pulled a face.

"…And Evans would realise that she had been wrong about you, and throw herself after you, hoping to be with you in the afterlife." Sirius finished with a flourish.

"Okay, are you kidding me?"

"Fine, I _might _have exaggerated a little-"

"A little?"

"-But you have to admit that my version was closer to the truth than the one we just read about."

"Sirius, your version sounded like a badly written Fanfiction."

"You mean a really well written Fanfiction!"

"Puh-lease. Who would read anything like that."

"I would!"

"Only because you wrote it."

"I bet loads of people would love my work! In fact, it's a great idea! I'll write a Fanfiction!"

James snorted. "Whatever. Carry on reading."

Sirius pouted, but complied.

**"Another victory for our favorite seeker," Sirius smirked, and then they all went to the Gryffindor common room for the post-match party.**

"Yay, a real happy end. Not like your stupid version."

"No hate, please. I only accept constructive criticism."

"Of course, Shakespeare."

"Who's Shakespeare?"

"Never mind."


	19. A Marauders Tale

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Nineteen: A Marauder's Tale**

**First Uploaded: September 3****rd****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: This disclaimer is making me feel sad, because I'm constantly reminded that I don't, and will never, own the world of Harry Potter.**

James got up and started to put away the device.

"Where do you think you're going?" Sirius asked.

"Back to the common room," James replied.

"Can we please have just one more story, _please_!" Sirius pleaded, giving James his best puppy-dog face. He knew that it was impossible to resist that.

James rolled his eyes and took out the device. "Fine, but a short one."

Sirius grinned. "Yay!"

"I'll read, and it's called **A Marauder's Tale**"

**Once a pon a time,**

"Firstly, it is never a good idea to start a story off with those words. Secondly, it's spelt upon, not '_a pon'_."

"Well, I guess you could start a story off like that if it's a fairy tale, but, to my knowledge, that's not the case." Sirius said. "Or d'ya think that we become so famous that people tell their kids stories about us? That'd be awesome…"

**there were two wizarding boys.**

"They are making it sound like we are in a fairy tale, though, don't you think?" Sirius said.

"Yeah, but it's something different. This could be interesting."

**Their names were James and Sirius. The two boys were enrolled at Hogwarts academy, and were there to learn magic.**

"I wonder if people tell tales about us… It sounds like that." James said.

**On the train, they were discussing the next full moon with their other best friend, Remus.**

"Well, that was rather random…"

**Suddenly, the compartment door swung open and Lily stood there.**

"**POTTER," she screeched.**

James groaned. "Oh, c'mon. Don't I deserve a story where we are, at least, on friendly terms?" James asked.

"But, mate, these authors love writing about how you and Lily came to be! Trust me, before the Fanfiction is over, you'll be snogging."

"**What?" James asked, confused. "I didn't do anything!"**

"Not that that helps when it comes to Lily…" James muttered.

"**YOU ARE LATE FOR THE PREFECT MEETING!"**

**James rolled his eyes, but immediately regreted it.**

"'Regretted' is misspelled." James said. "Oh no, now I'm starting to sound like Moony!"

"Reading and correcting fanfiction has taught me so much about spelling, grammar and writing. I think I'll be an author by the time this is over!" Sirius said.

"**Don't you roll your eyes at me, young man!" She said,**

"Lily sounds like your mum." Sirius snorted. "I mean, young man? Honestly…"

**before grabbing hold of James' tie and dragging him out.**

"This suddenly took a turn for the sexual, don't you think?" Sirius asked.

**James stuck his tounge**

"Spelling error,"

**out at Sirius when Sirius winked at him.**

"Aha, me and Fanfiction!me think alike!" Sirius said.

"That's never a good sign…"

"**Lily, tell me what is really wrong." James said soothingly.**

"What do you mean, Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"No idea…"

"**Whatever do you mean?"**

"Lily seems to have no idea either…"

"**I can tell that the whole prefect-meeting-thingy was just a cover so you could get me alone. You can tell me what's wrong, I'll always be here for you, no matter what!" James said serenely.**

"Oh, goodness. This suddenly turned so cliché… It's beginning to reminded me of that horribly cheesy one… _Hearts and Tears, _or something." Sirius said.

"As long as Lily and I end up together, I don't care how clichéd it is."

"**Oh James," Lily said, touched. "Do you really mean that?"**

"_Oh, James_," Sirius repeated in a tone that vaguely resembled Lily's, but mainly sounded theatrically over-the-top. "_Do you mean that_?"

"**Of course, Lily." James said honestly.**

**Lily tried to stop the tears from falling.**

"Clichés… So many clichés…"

"**Oh, James, I'm in love with… SNAPE!"**

Both James and Sirius froze.

"Wait, what?"

**James paused. "Wait, what?"**

"I think this author has been messing with us, and they are actually smarter than we gave them credit for." Sirius said. "The whole, overly-clichéd scenes were on purpose to make us feel certain that the two of you would end up together, because most authors seem to be pretty sure that you will, and then they put in this sudden plot-twist."

James frowned. "I'd rather have the author leave it clichéd then have Lily end up with Snape…"

**Lily sighed, sniffing. "He is so handsome and smart and his hair is ****_so _****swell,**

"Oh, the crazy American slang out there…" Sirius said.

"And Snape's hair is disgusting, not _swell_…"

**and I… I love him!"**

**James looked confused. "That wasn't how this was supposed to work! You were supposed to realize your true feelings for me!"**

Sirius started snickering.

"What?" James asked.

"The author is writing a parody of all the clichéd Fanfictions out there."

**Lily sighed again. "James, you're an okay guy, but I love Snape!"**

**James groaned. "Dammit!"**

"And that' s the end." James said.

Sirius stood up, still chuckling. "Well, let's go find Moony and Wormtail!"

Remus glanced at Peter as they both stood standing at the receiving end of Snape's wand. Arms full of muffins, wands lying back in the common room, utterly at Snape's mercy.

Snape, who seemed to realise the same thing at that moment, smirked evilly. "Well, well, well… What do we have here?"

Remus had the sudden urge to laugh, Snape really reminded him of the villains in the muggle motion-pictures he sometimes watched.

"Little Lupin and Podgy Pettigrew, all alone, in the corridor, without that Bastard Black and…" Snape paused.

_Pirouetting Potter? _Remus thought, and did his best to not burst out laughing.

"Er, Potter. Obnoxious, showing-off, Potter." Snape said. "Now, what shall we do with you?"

Remus started to silently shake with repressed laughter.

Snape looked at him, probably thinking he was having a seizure.

Suddenly Remus had an idea. It was probably all the Fanfiction that had made him go crazy, because his idea was absolutely insane. But it was now not only their greatest chance of survival, but Remus really felt like doing it.

"ATTACK!" he yelled, and he starting pelleting Snape with muffins.

He threw the muffins from his arms and watched them fly through the air and bounce of Snape's head, body and (greasy) hair. Snape, meanwhile, was standing completely still, his face frozen in a shocked and confused expression that was absolutely priceless.

Peter followed suit, chucking his own muffins at Snape whilst hurriedly running backwards.

"DO… NOT… CALL… ME… _PODGY!_" Peter yelled, chucking a muffin at Snape with every word.

By the time Snape had regained composure enough to react, it was too late. Remus and Peter had already sprinted around the corner, leaving the remaining muffins in their path.

"Lily?"

"Mm-hm?"

"Do you think it would be possible for me to hear some of those stories?" Livia asked.

"I'm sure. I think that it's not fair that Potter gets to have his friends for emotional support, but I don't get anyone."

"Thanks." Livia paused. "Lily, say _James_."

"James?"

"There! You said it! Now, why is it so difficult to use his mother-given name?"

Lily frowned. "Because I prefer saying Potter."

Livia sighed and returned to her History of Magic essay.

"Why does everybody think that Potter and I would be a good match?" Lily asked.

"Because he fancies you and you fancy him-"

"I don't,"

"and even the Fanfiction authors from the future think that you two would be perfect. I mean, not all people can handle your stubbornness, temper and mood-swings-"

"I do not have mood-swings!"

"But James would be able to, and you are both so loyal and he's mischievous and you are all prefect-y and that would be the perfect combination!"

Lily fell silent, considering her friend's words. Were she and James a match-meant-to-be?

Livia went back to working on her History of Magic essay. She didn't understand how Lily could be so stupid. Especially as nobody felt that way about her as James felt about Lily. Also, James was a friend of hers, and she knew what a nice guy he was, so it was hard for her to feel sympathetic towards Lily at the moment.

Lily pulled out her own essay (already finished, of course), and started proof-reading it (for the third time).

_Goblin Rebellion of 1612…_

She couldn't get stupid Potter out of her head.

…_Goblins banned from using wands…_

And that Fanfiction that started it all… The one in the library.

…_Bloody and terrible massacres…_

Would she and Potter be a good match?

…_A second rebellion that was bloodier than the first…_

It was impossible for them to even be in a room together for longer than five minutes without fighting, that couldn't be a good basis for a relationship!

…_Urg the Unclean…_

James had told her that she was always picking fights with him. Could that be true?

…_leader of the 18th century goblin rebellions…_

Was it even possible for them to go without fighting? That was practically all they had done for the past six years!

…_Goblins…_

And, anyway, why had Potter stopped asking her out? Did he not like her anymore? And why did that even bother her so much?

…_Rebellion…_

Potter was good looking, she'd have to be blind to not notice that, but he was so obnoxious.

…_Goblins…_

Well, to be fair, he had been pretty decent towards her in the past year, he seemed to have matured quite a bit. Not just towards her, but towards everybody.

…_Goblins…_

And he seemed quite alright now…

…_Goblins that seemed to- James Potter. James Potter-…_

Oh, Merlin.

_Oh Merlin!_

She fancied James Potter.


	20. More Jily Dilemma

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty: More Jily Dillema**

**First Uploaded: September 17****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I sometimes believe that Hogwarts is real, so NOBODY owns Harry!11! (ok i'll just let myself out yes)**

**Note: Short chapter in which they don't read a story (sorryyy) but next chapter is packed with action, and this is needed to bring the plot (I do actually have something resembling a plot, it's surprising, I know) forwards. Enjoy anyway!**

The funny thing was that at the same time as Lily's astonishing (to her, at least) revelation, in a different part of the castle, James had suddenly turned to Sirius and said decidedly: "I am over Lily Evans."

Sirius snorted. "Please."

James scowled. "No, this time I really mean it. I may not be over her yet, but I will be soon. Too much time has been wasted on that girl."

Sirius was starting to get worried. "No, Prongs. Give her some time."

"Time for what? And, like I said before, I've wasted too much time on her."

"Please, James, do you really want all these years plotting how to get her to go to waste? All the sleepless nights, all the tears you've shed?"

James rolled his eyes. "So none? Nope, I mean it. She's not going to realise anything anytime soon, and I'm tired of waiting. Waiting for what, anyway? Waiting for her to marry some bloke so I can die alone?"

"I'm sure she has feelings for you!" Sirius said desperately. "It's just…"

"Just what?"

"She hasn't realised it yet." Sirius finished lamely.

"Ha, ha, ha. I tried telling myself the same thing for the past three years."

Sirius frowned. James sounded serious. "Well, what would you do if she came up to you right now and told you she fancied you?"

James shrugged. "I'd be over the moon! Because, like I said, I'm not over her yet. However, wait for a week or two, and I won't have any feelings left for her. Maybe we can be friends, or something."

"But… But even all the Fanfiction authors seem to be sure that the two of you will get together!" Sirius said.

James sighed. "Padfoot, Fanfiction authors thought you and Moony were gay, Lily was Moony's psychopathic mother, Hogwarts accepts transfer students and that McGonagall has a secret identity as a rapper. And that's just to mention a few."

Sirius sighed. "Please, Prongs. I just know that the two of you were meant to be."

James looked at him. "Fine. I'll wait a week, but after that I'll wait no more, and I'll find myself another girlfriend. It's not too difficult."

Sirius nodded. He had accepted the challenge: _make Lily realise her feelings for James in a week._

_Oh, no. This was bad._

After Lily realised what she had been feeling, she had three reactions at once: to laugh, to cry and to run to James and give him a hug for all the nastiness she had put him through.

What she did was something of a combination of the first two: she started giggling, but with tears coming out of her eyes.

"Lily, what is it?" Livia asked.

"I- I fancy him!"

Livia rushed to her and gave her a hug. "You do?"

"I… I do!"

"Yes! Yes, yippee, yay! You finally realised it!" Livia said, starting to dance around their dormitory. "James is going to be over the moon!"

Lily gasped. "Oh, Merlin. I have to tell him, don't I? But I can't!"

"Why not?" Livia asked, flopping down onto the bed next to Lily.

Lily winced. "Well, I rejected him so many times, he'll hate me for only realizing that I like him now."

Livia rolled her eyes. "No, he'll be so happy, he'll forget that you ever rejected him."

"But I haven't got time for anything like that now! I've got my N.E.W.T.s coming up!"

"Lily, that's a stupid excuse. Both you and James are great students, and passing your N.E.W.T.s will be no problem."

"They're called nastily exhausting for a reason!"

Livia rolled her eyes, to which Lily sighed.

"Fine. But I don't even know if he still likes me!"

"Lily, I can assure you that he does."

"I only just realized what I feel, it's too soon to tell him!"

"Lily."

"I don't want a boyfriend right now!"

"Lily."

"I- er, I really don't have time with my head girl duties!"

"He's head boy. Lily, why don't you want to tell him?"

Lily buried her head in her pillow and mumbled something.

"What was that?" Livia asked.

Lily raised her head an inch and muttered, "I'm scared to tell him."

"But he'd be so happy!"

Lily blushed. "I don't know how all this even works! I've only ever had two boyfriends, and Simon doesn't even count because we only spoke about studying. I have no idea what to say or do, or how to kiss properly or anything!"

Livia giggled. When Lily glared at her she raised her hands in defence. "Hey, do I look like some professional on the subject? And what makes you think James is such an expert?"

"At least he's had other girlfriends…"

"Out of which only one lasted longer than a month."

"Better than none."

"Really, Lily, you've never had a girlfriend? You never cease to amaze me."

Lily chucked a pillow at her friend's head. "You know what I mean."

"Lily, nobody cares that you haven't had a million boyfriends. In fact, James wouldn't even like you if you had. He likes you for you, little studious-"

"Hey!"

"Unexperienced Lily. Please, just tell him."

Lily sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "But how? I can't just go up to him and say, 'hey, James, after many years of rejecting you and making you suffer, I've realized that I have a crush on you.'"

"Not like that…"

"'Hey James, I fancy you.' Better?"

Livia grinned and nodded, to which Lily groaned. "I was being sarcastic!"

"Whatever. He wouldn't mind."

Lily got up and went over to the desk. "I'm not going to tell him."

Livia groaned loudly. "And what do you think is going to happen? He'll magically realise what you're thinking, and walk up to you and snog you."

"I was kind of hoping something like that would happen." Lily said sheepishly.

"As much as I'm sure he would like to; he still thinks you would slap him into the next millennia."

"Couldn't you just tell him?"

"Me? Nope. He wouldn't believe me." Livia said.

"Why?"

Livia grinned. "Might have something to do with the fact that me and Sirius ganged up together and wrote him a love letter in your name, then sent it to him, got him all excited, and then revealed it was us."

Lily stared at her. "What did he do?"

"Well, do you remember that time I went to the hospital wing with tentacles sprouting on my arms? And Sirius was bald for a week. He still claims it was the worst seven days of his life."

"You told me the Slytherins did that to you!"

"Well, I couldn't tell you what we did, you would have skinned us alive."

Lily turned to look at Livia. "Why did James make such a big deal out of it? It was just a prank…"

"Lily," Livia sighed. "This conversation is going round in circles. Let me state the known facts: James likes you. A lot. You like James. The two of you would be perfect for each other. What else is there to say? You tell him, he's happy and the two of you get together."

Lily turned to face out of the window thoughtfully. Her brain was telling her to not tell him, and keep things the way they are, but her heart wanted him to know…

Remus sat down on the grass.

"That," he panted, "has to be one of the top ten most epic things I've ever done."

Peter grinned. "Are you kidding? It's in my top three!"

Remus shrugged. "Well, some of the pranks have been pretty impressive."

"But nothing comes close to Snape's reaction. I mean, did you see him? He looked like he had seen a naked Hippogriff dancing the salsa in the great hall!"

Remus looked at him. "Where did that comparison come from? And, anyway, aren't all Hippogriffs naked?"

"You know what I mean."

"I don't."

"What I meant to say was: His reaction was absolutely priceless." Peter said happily. "But, now I'm kind of peckish, seeing as we lost all those delicious muffins."

Remus laughed. "How were you imagining that we could have eaten all those muffins?"

"Well, I don't know. It's just, when you ask the house elves for muffins, they go and make about fifty. And how can you say no to fifty delicious muffins, fresh from the oven, and with slightly gooey chocolate on the inside? Oh, darn, now I really want some more."

"I wouldn't have swapped Snape's reaction for anything, not even a thousand muffins."

Peter shrugged and started walking back to the castle.

"Where are you going?" Remus called.

"To check up on the others. For all we know, James and Lily could be engaged by now." Peter answered.

Remus snorted. "As if. But wait for me!" He shouted, before picking himself up and following Peter.

**A/N: Sorry for not having them read a story – this'll probably be the last chapter like that. I've just had enough of them not reading stuff together (although I did enjoy writing the Sirius/James bonding bits) but next chapter will be extremely exciting.**

**But wait!**

**Before you click the button that'll take you to the next page, which I'm sure you're itching to do, isn't this the perfect opportunity to let me know what you think so far and drop me a review? It only takes a couple of seconds, and they really brighten my day.**

**Thanks :)**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	21. The First Masterpiece

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-One: The First Masterpiece**

**First Uploaded: September 22****nd****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: Lol why do I even bother? I don't own Harry Potter, but perhaps the 20 disclaimers I've written clue you in on that one.**

_…__A few hours later…_

"So. I'm naming this plan 'Bring Lily and James together'." Sirius said.

Livia snorted. "That's a stupid name, and it's unsubtle as hell. How about… 'Jily'?"

The marauders (minus James) and Livia were sitting in the boy's dormitory (Livia hadn't been in favour of that idea, but, as Sirius had pointed out, it was the only place Lily wasn't going to find them, and James was at quidditch practice, so no chance of him discovering what they were doing).

Sirius nodded approvingly. "Good idea."

Remus, who had been finishing an essay, turned towards them. "Right. So, what information do we have?"

"James announced that he's getting over Lily," Sirius said, groaning. "He says he'll give her a week to make a move, or he'll find someone new."

"I doubt it," Peter said. "He'll never get over Lily."

"I dunno, he sounded pretty determined."

"No way," Livia sighed. "Alright, I have to tell you something. Lily will kill me." She muttered to herself.

"Spit it out, already." Said Sirius, poking her arm whilst simultaneously ripping open a packet of jelly worms with his teeth.

Livia took a deep breath. "Lily realised her feelings for James. She even admitted it to me, and you know how private she usually is."

"WHAT?!" Sirius yelled, jumping up from the bed, slipping on a pair of dirty boxers, making him fall onto the floor with a thud. The boxers slid over the floor and landed a few inches away from Livia.

"Eww!" She shrieked, and fled to the safety of Remus' bed (the only one that was remotely tidy).

"Why didn't you tell me this?" Sirius asked, rubbing his backside.

"It only happened a few hours ago. This is the first opportunity I had to tell you."

Peter stood up. "So, this is the information: James announces he's over Lily, leaving us a week to bring them together. Lily realises she fancies James."

"Well, where's the problem?" Sirius asked. "Lily just goes up to James and tells him, and that's that!"

Livia sighed. "_That's _the problem. Lily doesn't have the lady-balls to tell James how she feels."

Sirius frowned. "Okay, what shall we do? We can't tell James, he wouldn't believe us…" He flashed Livia a grin, which she returned.

Remus went over to James' book bag, and pulled out the laptop.

"What are you doing?" Peter asked.

"So far, this device has always had a good Fanfiction for whatever purpose we needed, and I think that it might have an answer." Remus said, carefully placing the laptop onto his desk, and opening it.

However, the machine didn't open on any Fanfiction, instead it opened up (although the group didn't know this) an empty Word document.

"What's this?" Sirius asked, starting to panic. "Is it broken? I didn't do it! I swear! Will you be able to fix it? Reparo might work! Please, please work, lovely futuristic device, please!"

"Calm down." Remus said, holding up his hand. Sirius fell silent. "I think…" he paused. "I think this is what authors use to write stories. Look!" He pressed the keyboard, making the screen read:

**_My name is Remus._**

Sirius let out a high-pitched squeal, then cleared his throat and said, "Wow! This is great!" (In a deep, manly voice). "Can I try?"

He pressed the keys, until the screen (in total) said:

**_My name is nane is Siriuss._**

Livia grinned. "Nice spelling."

Sirius jumped. "I forgot you were here! Oh, no, Moony, what have we done? She knows now!"

Livia moved over to the laptop. "I knew about the device before. Lily told me."

Sirius gasped. "What a traitor!"

Livia rolled her eyes. "I think it's fair. I mean, all of you know, why can't Lily have a friend who knows?"

Scowling, Sirius let the matter drop.

"So, can I have a go?" Livia asked.

Sirius grudgingly moved over, letting Livia type the next part. She pushed the backspace until the page was blank, once again.

**_A letter to Lily and James._**

"What are you doing?" Remus asked curiously.

"Obviously, the reason this device opened this thingy is so that we can help Lily and James. So, now we'll write a Fanfiction for them to make them so emotionally-charged that they'll not have any choice to do anything but snog."

"That's a good idea." Remus said. "Shouldn't we write some kind of a plot-outline, though?"

"Why?" Sirius asked, eager to get started.

"Because it would be hypocritical to comment on all those rubbish Fanfictions if ours was just as bad."

Sirius shook his head, and pushed Livia out of the way.

**_A letter to Lily and James._**

**_Dear Lily and Jamess_**

**_you fancyy eachother, so jst snog already11_**

Remus snorted. "And _that_ was exactly the type of Fanfiction we hated."

"Fine, but these buttons are hard to write with!"

Livia held down the backspace button, clearing the page. "I have a better idea. How about, instead of writing them a letter, making it pretty obvious it was us, we write an actual story? I mean, it will be the best! We know them so well; we could write the best Fanfiction with them ever! Who could do a better characterisation than us, their best friends?"

Remus nodded. "I agree. But we should aim to finish it by today, so let's get started."

Peter, who had quietly observed the scene unfolding, spoke up. "Why don't we just start writing? Then we can read through it later, and correct things."

"Well, I don't know. Oh, alright." Remus agreed when he saw everybody looking at him disappointedly. "But, let's make a few things clear. When does it start?"

"Around now." Sirius answered. "So seventh year."

"What basis are Lily and James on? So friendly acquaintances, or still yelling?"

"Like now." Livia answered.

"And what makes them snog?"

"How about this: The story starts basically now, so she's thinking about how she has feelings for James. Then she meets James and then he's nice to her and they snog." Sirius rattled off.

"That's not half bad!" Remus said approvingly.

Livia sat down in front of the computer. "I'll start writing, shall I? I know Lily best, plus I'm a girl, so I know how she would feel."

The others agreed, so Livia started typing.

**_Lily looked out of the dormitory window, staring into the forbidden forres.t. She sighed, brushing a strand of red hair out of her eyes. Why was life so complicated)_**

"Where's the question mark?"

Remus leaned over, and soon found it.

**_"Lily?" Lily turned around, only to see her best friend, Dorcas Meadows,_**

"Wait, why her?" Sirius asked. "Lily doesn't even know her!"

"Lily said that either Dorcas or Marlene McKinnon are her best friends in stories, and so I am trying to throw her off our track. She can't find out that we wrote it." Livia explained.

"That's quite smart." Sirius said.

"No need to sound surprised," Livia grumbled.

**_standing in the doorframe._**

**_"What is it, Dorcas?" Lily asked, picking up her bag and swinging it around her shoulder._**

**_"I need some help. Could you come with me to the library?"_**

**_"Do you even need to ask?"_**

"It's actually pretty easy once you get the hang of using these buttons." Livia said.

**_Lily said jokingly, but she was distracted. How was Dorcas supposed to know the swirling storm that was raging inside her? How should she know that Lily was feeling so confused? Hoe was_**

Sirius snorted, and Livia quickly realised the typing mistake she had made. She rolled her eyes and corrected it.

**_How was she supposed to know that every time Lily closed her eyes, all she could see was a certain messy-haired, hazel eyed individual? That, every time she let her mind wander, it always returned to him?_**

"You know, Livia, that's pretty good. It definitely would be one of the better Fanfictions, if I read it." Remus said.

"Thanks," Livia smiled, feeling quite proud of her work.

"Can I try?" Sirius asked. Livia sighed and moved.

**_2Alright, Dori, Ill come withyou, be a little patent." Lily smiled. she lefft the room with her friend,onl y to see James._**

"That's rubbish." Remus said honestly. "It reminds me of Reymana. Please, Sirius, let Livia write."

Sirius pouted. "It's not my fault these keys don't work."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Livia, you'd better do it."

Livia moved the screen so that it was pointing towards her. She quickly removed the part Sirius had written, and proceeded to type:

**_"I'll be down in a second." Lily said, swinging her satchel over her shoulder. "Go ahead without me."_**

"What's the point of that part?" Peter asked.

Remus grinned at Livia. "Obviously Livia's getting Dorcas to go ahead, so Lily can _accidentally _bump into James as he is returning from quidditch practice. Good idea."

**_Dorcas shrugged and left, leaving Lily alone in the dormitory once more._**

**_Lily's gaze drifted outside again, and she caught sight of the players of the quidditch team on their way inside from their practice. This was enough to bring her thoughts back to the person she couldn't get out of her mind._**

"Is it subtle enough?" Livia asked Remus.

"Yeah, I think you included just enough foreshadowing for it to be unobvious, but enough to plant the subconscious thought."

Sirius turned to Peter. "Do you have any idea what they are talking about?"

"Literary devices," Livia answered for Peter, before turning back to the story.

**_She tore her eyes away from the window, and left the dormitory._**

"Okay, Remus, do you want to write next?"

Remus nodded and switched places with Livia.

**_She went down the spiralling stairs, and left the chatter and laughter of the common room behind. Finally, as she stepped out into the significantly cooler corridor, she could think more clearly._**

**_The portraits seemed to be staring holes into her back, and the sound of her shoes on the stone floor seemed ten times louder than usual. And was it just her imagination, or was the corridor much emptier than usual at this time?_**

"I like the way you're distracting from the matter at hand." Livia said. "That way, it'll be more of a surprise when she meets James. Let me guess: will it be a collision?"

Remus nodded, smiling. "You practically read my mind."

**_As Lily rounded the corner, she smacked straight into another student. Lily glanced up, opening her mouth to apologize, but found the words stuck in her throat._**

"I think you should do the next bit again, Livia. I'm no good at romance."

Livia nodded, and, without further ado, continued the story.

**_It was James Potter: The boy she couldn't stop thinking of for the last twenty-four hours._**

**_His hair was slightly damp from the shower he had taken after practice, and he smelled wonderful._**

"Carter, was that necessary?" Sirius asked.

"What?" Livia asked, surprised.

"The smelling thing…" Sirius said, wrinkling his nose.

"What about it?"

"It's weird." Sirius said dismissively.

"No, it's not. The way you smell will significantly change the way girls look at you, so remember 'Livia's Words of Wisdom' for future reference." After the look Sirius gave her, she raised her hands in defence. "I didn't invent it! It's a fact: Smelling good increases your chances by about 10 percent."

As Livia turned back to the device, Sirius subtly gave himself a quick sniff, decided that he smelled good, and turned his attention back to the story.

**A/N: Aaaand there you have it! Their first story! Next chapter will be James and Lily reacting to it (the finished story), so it doesn't get boring.**

**Review?**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	22. Jily reacts to 'The First Masterpiece'

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Jily reacts to 'The First Masterpiece'**

**First Uploaded: October 17****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, yada yada yada.**

"I still don't understand what the point of this is." Lily said to Livia.

Livia turned to her friend slowly. "Look. He's there, you're there, and a romantic story is there. What could be more perfect?"

"I don't know…" Lily said, smearing some blush onto her cheeks. Rather badly.

"What on earth are you doing?" Livia asked, jumping up and wiping it off.

"I just want to look really nice." Lily said, tugging anxiously at her tie. "Should I change into a dress?"

Livia shook her head. "No. Trust me, it's best if you just look natural - not caking on Elaine's makeup and wearing a dress."

"I'm just so nervous! Shall I wear some perfume, at least?"

Livia rolled her eyes. "Only a little. You don't want to choke him."

Lily spritzed on a little of Elaine's – their roommate's – perfume, and rearranged her hair. "Anyway, how are you so sure that the story will be so romantic? Most of them are pretty rubbish."

Livia mumbled something, then said more clearly, "Well, don't you think the device magically choses stories to fit the situation?"

Lily shrugged. "Whatever you say."

"Are you ready?" Livia asked, getting ready to go.

"No!" Lily whined. "I don't want to see him!"

Livia went over and grabbed her arm. "Are you as ready as you'll ever be?"

"Uh, no! I don't want to go!"

Livia rolled her eyes and dragged her friend out of their dormitory.

"I still don't understand what the point of this is." James said to his friends. They were already sitting in the empty classroom the other marauders had agreed on with Livia.

"Look, mate. Picture this. Lily comes in, all of us read a super romantic story, and then me, Mooney, Wormtail and Livia all make excuses to leave. The two of you come closer and closer, and-"

"Okay, I get it. But your plan has several holes in it. Firstly, who says the story's going to be romantic? Secondly, your plan assumes Lily is going to cooperate, and I doubt that. Thirdly, as if she won't notice something's up if you all leave."

"Trust me, it's all under control."

James shrugged and said, "My one-week rule is still on. If Lily doesn't make a move by the end of the week, that's the end of it."

Sirius leaned back on the chair. "Oh, I have a feeling it's going to work out."

A quarter of an hour later, the four marauders, Livia and Lily were all sitting awkwardly around the device. Lily was sitting between Remus and Livia (they had decided it was best if Lily felt comfortable), whilst James was next to Livia and Sirius.

Sirius cleared his voice. "Shall we, uh, read the story?"

Lily raised an eyebrow. "What story?"

Sirius glanced at Livia, who glared at him. "Er, don't we always read stores?"

"We read _a_ story. You said _the _story. This implies you already know what story we are going to be reading." Lily explained.

Sirius chuckled nervously. "Oh, Lily. Always overanalysing things."

Lily decided to let the matter drop. She had enough on her mind as it was.

"Who wants to read?" Sirius asked.

"I nominate James." Remus said, as planned. "He has a good reading voice."

James raised an eyebrow, but took the device.

**Lily looked out of the dormitory window, staring into the forbidden forest. She sighed, brushing a strand of red hair out of her eyes. Why was life so complicated?**

"Am I going to be all angsty in this story?" Lily groaned.

"No! Of course not!" Sirius protested. Lily raised an eyebrow at him, and he shrunk back.

**"Lily?" Lily turned around, only to see her best friend, Dorcas Meadows,** **standing in the doorframe.**

"The return of your Fanfiction bestie!" Remus said in a fake bright tone. "Oh, how silly all these authors are. I wonder who wrote this one… Probably some twelve-year-old American girl." So far, everything was going to plan.

**"What is it, Dorcas?" Lily asked, picking up her bag and swinging it around her shoulder.**

**"I need some help. Could you come with me to the library?"**

**"Do you even need to ask?"** **Lily said jokingly, but she was distracted.**

**How was Dorcas supposed to know the swirling storm that was inside? How should she know that Lily was feeling so confused? How was she supposed to know that every time Lily closed her eyes, all she could see was a certain messy-haired, hazel eyed individual? That, every time she let her mind wander, it always returned to him?**

Lily wrinkled her nose, and scoffed. Little did the others know that the story had just described exactly what she was feeling. Her heartbeat sped up.

**"I'll be down in a second." Lily said, swinging her satchel over her shoulder. "Go ahead without me."**

**Dorcas shrugged and left, leaving Lily alone in the dormitory once more.**

**Lily's gaze drifted outside again, and she caught sight of the players of the quidditch team on their way inside from their practice. This was enough to bring her thoughts back to the person she couldn't get out of her mind.**

**She tore her eyes away from the window, and left the dormitory.**

"Blah, blah, blah." James said, commenting for the first time. "Boring."

The others (minus Lily) looked offended.

"I think this Fanfiction is great!" Remus said at the same time as Livia said:

"The characterization is spot-on!"

Lily looked at them. Something was wrong here.

**She went down the spiralling stairs, and left the chatter and laughter of the common room behind. Finally, as she stepped out into the significantly cooler corridor, she could think more clearly.**

**The portraits seemed to be staring holes into her back, and the sound of her shoes on the stone floor seemed ten times louder than usual. And was it just her imagination, or was the corridor much emptier than on other days at this time?**

She wouldn't admit it, but this Fanfiction _was_ pretty realistic.

**As Lily rounded the corner, she smacked straight into another student. Lily glanced up, opening her mouth to apologize, but found the words stuck in her throat.**

**It was James Potter: The boy she couldn't stop thinking of for the last twenty-four hours.**

Lily suddenly felt goose bumps on her back. She shivered slightly.

She snuck a glance at James. He was wearing the face he usually wore during lessons: amused and slightly bored.

**His hair was slightly damp from the shower he had taken after practice, and he smelled wonderful.**

"I must say, it's very weird to have myself described like that." James said. "I doubt I'll ever get used to it."

**"Li- Uh, Evans!" James said, startled.**

**Lily chocked a little.**

Lily looked around at the others. Instead of focusing on the story, they all seemed to be staring at her and James. When she looked at them, they suddenly turned away.

Something was definitely up.

**"Are you okay?"**

**Lily shrugged, and tried to push her way past him.**

**"Lily?"**

**The use of her first name caused Lily to turn around. James had called her 'Evans' since she could remember.**

**"What?" she asked quietly.**

**"You can tell me, you know." He said.**

"Ouch! The clichés! My eyes burn!" James said.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to write romantic scenes?" said Livia, offended.

James looked confused.

**Lily glared at him. "This is all your fault, you know!"**

**"What? What did I do now!?" James asked loudly.**

**"Argh! I can't stand you!" Lily yelled, pushing past him.**

Lily wondered whether she really sounded like that. She doubted it. At the same time, there was a nagging voice in her head that was telling her that the characterization was pretty accurate,

**"I can't stand you!" James yelled back.**

**Lily spun around. "Well, you know what? I can't stand you more than you can't stand me!"**

**"Can you just tell me what I did, for Merlin's sake?"**

**"NO!"**

**"You know how much you frustrate me?" James glared at her.**

**"You know how much you aggravate me?" Lily shot back.**

Lily couldn't focus on the story with four people staring at her.

**"I despise you."**

**"I hate you."**

**"You're a know-it-all."**

**"You're a toe rag."**

"We sound like six year olds." James said, amused.

"Finally! He realized it!" Sirius said in mock relief. James just rolled his eyes.

**"You're a prude." James shouted.**

**"You're an idiot." Lily yelled back.**

**"You're bossy."**

**"You're obnoxious."**

"I, uh, think I need to go… Search for… something." Livia said, cursing herself mentally for forgetting her excuse. Lily raised an eyebrow at her. "It's desperate!" Livia said, before dashing out of the room.

"You know what? I think I'm going to help her look for… her… thing." Sirius said. He too rushed out.

Lily narrowed her eyes. There was something she was missing out on, and she didn't like it.

**"You're prissy."**

**"You're arrogant."**

**"You're rude."**

**"You're selfish."**

**James glared at her, and pulled out his wand. Lily retaliated by doing the same, and the two stood facing each other, wands raised.**

**"What did I do to you?" James asked again.**

**"Insulted me multiple times?" Lily replied.**

**"No, before that."**

**"Isn't the second enough?"**

**"I was defending myself."**

Lily was just starting to get into the story when Remus stood up. "I need to go to the library to get… a book." He finished lamely.

Peter jumped up. "Me too! A book! I need a book!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Well, if everyone is going, I might as well go too. I need to borrow a-"

"NO!" Peter and Remus shouted at the same time. "We need to talk about… boy things." Remus said hesitantly.

"Yeah. Y'know, no girls allowed." Peter said, before grabbing Remus by the arm and dragging him out.

"What's up with your friends?" Lily asked James.

"No idea. You know how they are though. This is what they act like when they have something planned. Something secret."

Lily laughed. "They're not being very secretive at the moment. It's obvious that something's up."

James grinned. "That's what happens when they're missing the brains of the group."

"Just continue reading," Lily said, smiling

**"Well, for starters, who gave you permission to take showers after Quidditch?" Lily spat out.**

**James looked utterly confused. "Wha-What?"**

James suddenly paused. Then he burst out laughing.

"What?" Lily asked, feeling confused.

James continued laughing and spluttered: "The story… It's… It's by THEM!"

Lily took a moment to comprehend, then she too started giggling. "Oh my goodness! You're right! It all fits! The way they were so secretive and so offended when you insulted the story! And Sirius' reaction!"

"That's hilarious." James chuckled. "They actually wrote a story! They dared to write a story without us!"

Lily paused. "But why did they write it without us?" she wondered.

James started laughing even harder. "Obviously..." he couldn't continue, he was overcome by laughter.

Lily caught on after a moment. "Haha! They! They…"

"They wanted to use a story to bring us together!" James finished, laughing loudly.

After a few minutes, James was the first to calm down. "Shall I read on?" he asked.

Lily nodded. "I'll see it differently now I know _they_ wrote it!"

**Lily looked horrified, realizing what she had said. "Oh, uh, nothing."**

**James poked her arm. "No, seriously, what?"**

**Lily glared at him. "I can't stand you."**

**James threw his hands up in the air. "I don't believe you! First you yell at me and insult me for no reason, then you ask me a stupid, mysterious question, then you don't tell me what the hell you are talking about, leaving me utterly confused!"**

**Lily furthered her glare. "I- I hate you!"**

**James sent her an evil look. "Do you think I like you?" he asked.**

"Do they really think we argue like that? We seem like five year olds." James said.

"I can't take this story seriously now we realized it's by them." Lily said. "I mean, just picture them huddled around the computer, taking turns to use these buttons to write a story…" she giggled.

James laughed and continued reading.

**Lily suddenly bit back tears. She turned away, pretending to put her wand away.**

Lily thought about how strange it was that she and James seemed to be getting along. She supposed it might be because she was no longer in denial about her feelings, and trying to prove to herself that she still hated him.

**James didn't notice, and continued his rant. "I hate you, too, you know. Don't walk around acting like I still feel the way I did in fifth year! That's over. I don't like you any more, I don't fancy you, nothing."**

"Who do you think wrote this?" James asked her. "I bet it was Livia and Remus. Pete probably just sat on the side-lines watching, and Sirius was standing next to them being bossy, and generally getting in the way."

Lily nodded, laughing. "I think you're right. I can just picture this scene so perfectly!"

**Lily felt a tear roll down her cheek, and turned around and left James mid-speech. Why was she always so stupid around him? He always made her say the worst things. Or perhaps she just wanted things to be like in fifth year, when everything had been so simple. She didn't know anything anymore, all she knew was that James hated her, and that it was her fault. And that hurt a lot.**

"I think they underestimate my personality. I'm feeling quite offended." Lily said.

"D'ya think I liked the way they characterized _me_?" James asked. "Bulky, awkward and a little thick."

Lily grinned. "Whilst I'm stuck-up, whiny and _so in love_."

James paused. "You know what? We should get revenge on them by writing a story about them!"

"Yes!"

"But ours will be totally not-realistic, not even remotely like the real world!"

"We'll write the craziest one ever!"

"One that makes them want to cover their ears and crawl under the covers!"

"One that leaves them thinking about it for so long they can't sleep!"

"YES!"

They high fived each other.

"I'll quickly finish reading, and then we'll get started." James said.

**She heard footsteps from behind her, and increased her pace. The tears were gone, Lily wasn't the crying type.**

James read, much faster than before.

**"Evans, wait. Evans!" Lily ignored him, and continued hurrying along the corridor.**

**"Lily!" Even the use of her first name didn't make her slow down.**

**"I didn't mean what I said!" James shouted desperately. Lily paused, and James used the second to continue talking. "I really didn't. You just made me so angry with your insults, I couldn't take that lying down, now, could I?"**

"I've got to hand it to them, though," Lily said, "this story is pretty good."

"Well, they do know us personally, so I think that gives them a very unfair advantage," James replied.

**"I didn't mean it either," Lily said in a tiny voice, so quiet that James barely heard.**

**The footsteps stopped. Lily turned around, and saw James standing a few feet away from her, looking shocked. "Really?" he asked.**

**Lily sighed. "Yes, really."**

"Almost over?" Lily asked.

"Almost…" James said.

**James took a tentative step towards her, as if looking for approval. Lily gave it to him by taking an even smaller step in his direction.**

"They did that part rather badly." Lily said. "It was too awkward."

**Suddenkly Jamesx grabbed Lily's face and pressed hiz2 lips against hers! Lily slunnge her armsd around his neck, and kissd him passionately.**

**The end.**

"Wait, what happened then?" James asked. "It's like the story was suddenly possessed by the author of Reymana."

Lily giggled. "I bet it was Sirius that wrote that bit. I can imagine him begging the others to allow him to write the kissing scene, and him messing it up really badly."

"Oh, well. Shall we pretend we didn't realize it was them?" James asked.

Lily nodded. "Yes. And now let's write our own." She said.

The two of them sat down next to each other and put the device between them.


	23. Jily writes a Badfic

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Jily Write a Badfic**

**First Uploaded: October 21****st****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2015**

**Disclaimer: POP-QUIZ TIME! Win a million dollars*! Do I own Harry Potter…? That's right! I don't!**

***All money is hypothetical in this scenario. Terms and Conditions may apply.**

The laptop magically knew what Lily and James wanted, and opened up an empty word document. It took the two of them a few minutes to figure out how it worked, and how to type, but they soon got the hang of it.

"I'll start, shall I?" Lily asked. James nodded, and, like a true gentleman, handed the device to Lily.

Lily swallowed hard, her throat suddenly seemed blocked.

"Wait, what's it going to be about?" She asked, hoping that James couldn't hear her heart beating loudly in her chest.

"We'll include everything they hate: Sirius and Remus are gay, Sirius is simultaneously a womanizing man-whore, and Remus is an uptight nerd with a stick up his arse. Peter will get killed in the first few paragraphs, and we'll all not give a crap, and Livia…" he trailed off.

"Livia won't exist. It'll be to suspicious if she's there, after all, for some reason she's unknown by the authors."

James nodded. "Alright. Of course, there will be loads of spelling mistakes and bulkily inserted authors notes, and we'll just make things up as we go along."

Lily nodded, and started typing.

**_Once a pon a time, there was a normal day in hogwarts._**

"So far, so good?" She asked James, who nodded.

**_Sirius climbd out of a broom closet, some blond girl in the third year following him, pulling her panties up. (A/N: BTW this is in th e marauders 7 year!)_**

**_Sirius sighed happily. He skipped down the corridor, thinking about how this was the annivesery of the 27th girl he had banged this week._**

They both snickered. There was something so much more hilarious about writing a bad story than reading it.

**_He stopped as ahe saw who was standing at the end of the corrider. His heart stopped._**

James laughed. "Good one. So, realistically, he should be dead."

**_It wsa the one and only remis lupin: the guy Sirius had had a maaaaaaaaaasive crush on for the last seven years._**

**_(Flashback)_**

**_"Hi im remis Lupin!" remis lupin said._**

**_"hi im Sirius black!" Sirius black said._**

**_"haha but ure not black!" remis lupin said._**

**_Sirius scowled. "Thats racist!"_**

**_Remis made puppy eyes. "Im sorry!" he said sadly. "I am not really racist!"_**

**_Sirius black realized in that moment that he was in love with remis lupin._**

**_(End flashback)_**

Laughing, Lily handed James the machine, blushing when their hands touched. She was pathetic.

Luckily, James didn't notice, and he continued writing the story, chuckling.

**_Remis was crying. Teardrops were splattering delicitely from his long eyelashes onto his robs. Sirius heart broke._**

**_"Whatever happened?" he asked, his voice filled with the pain of onethousand angels dieing._**

"Any good?" he asked.

"It's great." Lily said, grinning. "They'll hate it."

"Right, let's kill Pete now." James said, then he paused. "That sounded wrong, didn't it?"

"Yes, it did." Lily said, giggling. Now she was giggling? She asked herself, disgusted with her attitude.

**_"Peter died." He said._**

**_Sirius sighed a breath of relief. "Oh, I thought something had happened to you."_**

"I feel so evil and horrible!" James complained. "I hate this."

Lily laughed. "But it's so hilarious! And just imagine their reaction!"

**_Remis went over and hugged Sirius, still wailing. Sirius patted his head comfertingly, glad to be there for his friend_**

**_Remis took a breath of air. "Im ok. Its okay."_**

James stopped typing. "I feel that we need to get revenge on Livia too. I'm pretty sure she was the ringleader in this plan."

Lily froze as something clicked in place. Livia had told the others about her feelings for James. Lily narrowed her eyes dangerously. Her "friend" was going to die. Figuratively, of course.

"Give me the computer." She said. James raised an eyebrow, and handed it over.

"Time to make Livia a Mary Sue."

**_Suddenly, both boys stoppend and stared. A wonderfully beautifully amazingally crazily unnaturally beautiful girl entered._**

James grinned. "This is going to be good."

**_"Hello," she said delicately._**

**_"Who are u?" the guy asked._**

**_"Don't u recognize me?" she asked, teardrops splattering her robes, dripping prettily from her crystal blue eyes._**

**_"I'm sorry," Sirius said, racking his mind for where he might now the amazingly gorges girl._**

**_"I'm Livia!" she said, her beautiful blue eyes starign into the soul of the guy and Sirius._**

James burst out laughing. "I like that one."

"I need to find a way to make Livia hate the story…" Lily said, trying to think of what she could write.

**_Sirius fell onto his knees. "Ooh, are you going to purpose?" she asked, giggling excitedly._**

James laughed even harder, and Lily found herself joining in. There was something so ridiculous about the whole situation: She and James were getting along, writing a story together that their other friends would hate.

**_She pulled out a pink purse with gold jewels on it. "I already have a ring!"_**

**_Sirius frowned. "No?" he asked._**

**_Livia's face dropped, and she started crying prettily again. "But I was so excited!"_**

**_Sirius' heart broke. "I… I will prupose, but, I need a moment."_**

**_Livia nodded, her blonde ringlets with pink and blue highlights bouncing sexily._**

**_She skipped around the corner, her huge boobs bouncing up and down._**

**_Sirius turned to Remus. "I… I love you. But we can't be together, cuz I promised Livia that I'd marry her._**

Lily handed the device back to James; she was laughing too hard to continue writing.

**_Remis started crying again, causing Sirius' heart to break._**

**_"I love you too!"_**

**_The pair shared a kiss so passionate, one hundred puppies lost their innocence._**

Lily clutched her stomach as tears of laughter rolled down her face. She was glad that Livia had talked her out of wearing makeup.

**_Meanwhile, Livia was petting unicorns in the forbidden fores.t_**

**_"You cutie!" she said to the pink on,e. "I'm gonna name u pinkie!"_**

Lily was feeling rather light headed. She hoped she wouldn't do something she would regret.

**_"We gonna be bffs! Ok?"  
_**Lily grabbed the computer from James, biting her lip to stop herself from laughing.

**_Meanwhile, Remis and Sirius were snoggin on the floor. Suddenly, something kicked Sirius in the ballz._**

"This is the point the author loses all sense of grammar and spelling." She explained to James, who grinned.

_That smile is so sexy, _Lily found herself thinking. _And I'd love to run my hand through his hair… How could I be so oblivious to my feelings?_

**_Owwwwwwwwwwwwww" siris howled in pain, turning to swe what had insflicted sucj bad pain on him._**

"I see what you mean," James laughed. "We're definitely losing all sense of order in the story."

Lily ran a hand through her hair, which had become dishevelled whilst she had been laughing.

**_It was Sabrina, an eighthy year he had banged two yearsd ago._**

"An eighty year old or an eighth year (which doesn't exist in Hogwarts)?" James laughed.

Lily grinned "That's up to you…"

**_"I HATE YOU!" she yelled at him._**

**_"Why? He asjed,_**

Sneaking a glance at James, she found he was looking at her, expression unreadable. They both looked quickly away as their eyes met.

Lily was finding it hard to breath. She wished he would just make a move already.

**_"CUZ U BROkeE mY HEaRT" she shutd._**

Lily was actually finding it hard to write, not all the mistakes were on purpose.

Why wouldn't James make a move already!?

**_"why?2 sirius aksed_**

Her heart was beating so loudly she was sure he would hear it, and her palms were uncomfortably clammy.

**_"CUZ U BANGE D_**

Did he really not like her anymore?

**_ME AND SLEPT_**

Or was she doing something wrong?

**_WITH MY_**

Did he think she didn't like him?

And then it hit her. That was exactly what James thought. James was happy that they were not yelling at each other for once, he was in no way going to risk them having an argument by his making a move.

**_THREE YEARS_**

That meant that it was up to her to do something. She glanced at him again.

Why had she never noticed how good looking he was?

**_YOUNGER SISTER_**

What would happen if she would just reach over and kiss him?

**_IIN TE_**

Would she risk eternal shame over eternal sexual and emotional frustration?

**_SAME_**

She looked up at him. They were sitting so close to each other; could he not feel her heart beating? Her body giving off enough heat to melt an iceberg?

**_DAE"§_**

James looked at her. This time, Lily didn't look away. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulled him towards herself and kissed him.

For a second she thought he would pull away. But, the next moment he put his arms around her waist and returned the kiss.

**_Si mjtzttttttttttttttt numkmu66666666 k7 j6uo,.j,, u_**

Was the final sentence of the story, already long forgotten, as the laptop slipped off Lily's lap and onto the floor.

**A/N: First, let me say, don't worry! The laptop is not broken. I have a few more nasty tricks up my sleeve before the characters get to have a good night's sleep. ;)**

**The Jily kiss is dedicated to everybody that reviewed so far, and to everyone who reviews this chapter. Yep, even if you are reading this chapter in one hundred years on your holograph, when I am old and wrinkly (and probably dead), you want to have an epic kissing scene dedicated to you? REVIEW THIS CHAPTER!**

**Seriously, though, thanks to everybody that continues to read and review the story! You reviewers are the ones that make me write.**

**Adios for now,**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	24. Lunar Magic (aka the worst story ever)

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Lunar Magic (a.k.a. the worst story ever!)**

**First Uploaded: December 8****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, I just mess around with characters that belong to older, wiser and more talented people than me.**

"D'ya think they're done yet?" Sirius asked for the tenth time. He rolled up a ball of parchment and threw it at the back of Livia's head. For the twentieth time.

The marauders and Livia were sitting in the boy's dormitory (again) and attempting to finish their homework. Only Remus was making any progress, Livia was reading a Quidditch magazine she had found on James' bed (and trying to not look around the dormitory filled with clutter and all sorts of things she didn't want to see, such as Sirius' dirty underpants.), Peter was half-heartedly copying Remus' essay (but mostly looking out of the window and pondering the meaning of life… and what was going to be for dinner), and Sirius was tossing an empty piece of parchment up and catching it. And occasionally ripping pieces off it, and throwing it at various people in the room.

"Can you please stop asking that?" Livia asked, "And can you please stop doing that?"

Sirius shrugged, and threw a ball at Peter.

"Sirius, you're worse than a five-year-old." Remus said absentmindedly.

"Am not." Sirius said, rolling up another piece of parchment and throwing it out of the open window. "I just can't stand not knowing what's going on! Can't we just get the marauder's-"

Remus and Peter started coughing loudly, and pointed to Livia. She looked up at them, eyebrow raised, before continuing to read about broom polish.

"-_map!" _Sirius mouthed at the other two marauders.

Remus shook his head and gestured towards Livia. Sirius groaned and flopped back on the bed. He wanted to at least be able to see if Lily and James were still in the classroom, or whether they were in some broom closet.

"Uh, Livia, can you please get me a sandwich?" Sirius asked.

Livia snorted. "No. Get one yourself, I'm not your slave."

Sirius sighed. That had not been part of his plan. "Well, this was fun, but you have to leave now."

"Why?"

"I need to talk to the others about… boy stuff." Sirius said.

"That's okay, I'll just not listen. I usually tune out most of what you say, anyway."

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, feeling frustrated. "Can't you just leave already?" he snapped.

"What's your problem?" Livia asked frowning, before turning back to the magazine.

"Sirius, mate, just drop it. It's not like the you-know-what is going to help us a lot anyway." Peter muttered to his friend.

Sirius groaned. "I know, but I can't stand just waiting here!"

"How about doing homework?" Remus asked, not looking up from his essay.

"You are so not helping." Sirius said, glaring at him. Remus just shrugged.

After a few more minutes of tossing the parchment ball up and down, Sirius settled on reading a magazine about motorcycles.

Around ten minutes later, James entered the dormitory. He supressed a laugh when he saw how they all jumped up and looked at him with eager expressions.

"So, what happened?" Livia asked immediately. All the others nodded, listening attentively.

"What do you mean?" James asked, struggling to hide a smile at their keen faces.

"Uh, you know…" Remus said. "Did something happen whilst you were reading the story?"

James pretended to look confused. "What should have happened?"

Sirius, who had been waiting for this moment for far too long, asked impatiently, "Did you and Lily snog or not?"

James pretended to be even more confused. "No, why should we have? Lily doesn't like me like that."

Everybody crumpled in disappointment. James was having a hard time hiding his amusement.

"Nothing? Not even a peck?" Sirius asked, looking like Christmas had been cancelled.

James shook his head.

"Great. It was all for nothing." Livia said crossly.

"What was?" James asked, knowing the answer perfectly well.

"Uh, waiting here for you. I nearly went insane because that guy," she pointed at Sirius, "was being annoying."

James shrugged. "Oh, well. I'm nearly over Lily, anyway."

He was finding their panicked looked more amusing than he probably should have. "Shall we go and read a story?"

The others nodded, looking downtrodden. The group trooped downstairs (the common room was fairly empty, so nobody saw Livia coming out of the boy's dormitory with four boys, or they might have gotten the wrong idea), and headed for the empty classroom.

Remus, Sirius, Peter and Livia were looking glum as the group sat waiting for the story to begin. James felt a little evil as they were all already feeling miserable to make it even worse by forcing them to listen to the worst story ever, but it _was _going to be funny.

"The story is called **Lunar Magic**," James announced. He shared a private grin with Lily, who was sitting next to Livia on the other side of the circle. They had decided to do the annoying mistake where the title of the story had nothing whatsoever to do with the actual content.

"I vote that Remus should read." Lily said, smiling.

Remus shrugged and took the device.

**Once a pon a time, there was a normal day in hogwarts.**

"Not off to a very good start," Remus said. "Upon is spelt 'a pon', and Hogwarts is written without a capital letter."

"Also, as I already mentioned before, I hate it when stories start off like fairy tales. It's awful. Also, 'once upon a time, there was a normal day'? Nah." Sirius said.

**Sirius climbd**

"Error," Remus said.

**out of a broom closet, some blond girl in the third year following him, pulling her panties up.**

Sirius groaned. "No! I don't want to be a man-whore!"

Livia looked thoughtful. "Why doesn't a word for a man-whore exist? I mean, there are plenty of words for girls, but I can't think of a single one for a guy."

Lily nodded. "That's true. There are loads of words for girls, but none for guys. Even 'man-whore' is sort of taking a word that usually describes females, and changing it to describe males."

"Anyway, why are all authors convinced that I'm a man-whore? Having loads of girls fancy me and a couple of girlfriends is not the same as sleeping with everyone!"

"He's rather full of himself, isn't he?" Livia said to Lily, who laughed.

"Anyway, how do you know you're sleeping around in the story?" Peter said. "For all we know, it could just be your girlfriend."

"It said 'some girl'. You don't describe your girlfriend like that, or even somebody you know well."

"Am I the only one that find's it disturbing that Sirius is sleeping with a third year?" Remus interjected.

"Maybe I'm also a third year, or a fourth year." Sirius said. "I admit it's a bit young to start sleeping around, but still. Better than a seventeen-year-old me sleeping with a thirteen-year-old."

**(A/N: BTW this is in th e marauders 7 year!)**

"SERIOUSLY?" Sirius said, jumping up. "That's close to paedophilia! It- I- Me- WHAT?!" Sirius dropped back down onto the chair, looking disgusted. James hid a grin, feeling evil.

"No! Not a shoved in authors note!" Remus said, cringing.

"That's not the problem! I'm sleeping with a third year as a seventh year - that's sick."

**Sirius sighed happily. He skipped down the corridor, thinking about how this was the annivesery of the 27th girl he had banged this week.**

"No way. I- No way. Absolutely no way. 27? That's so unrealistic. What, that would be two a day?" Sirius said, agitated.

"Actually, it would be around," Remus paused, "three point eight."

Sirius shook his head slowly. "I'm not even going to comment on _how the hell you did that. _There is a more pressing matter: I SLEPT WITH 27 GIRLS, AND IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WEEK!"

"He does know this is Fanfiction, right?" Livia muttered to Remus, who shrugged.

**He stopped as ahe saw who was standing at the end of the corrider. His heart stopped.**

"Oh, looks like you're dead, Sirius," Remus said casually.

"Your concern is really touching." Sirius said dryly.

**It wsa the one and only remis lupin:**

"They spelt my name wrong. And without capital letters. And there was a spelling mistake."

"Shut up." Sirius said jokingly. Then he realized what the sentence implied. "Oh, Merlin, please don't make me gay…"

**the guy Sirius had had a maaaaaaaaaasive crush on for the last seven years.**

Sirius buried his head in his hands. Remus just looked amused, he had learned not to take stories like these seriously.

**(Flashback)**

**"Hi im remis Lupin!" remis lupin said.**

"Oh, come on. I was wondering if the first misspelling was a typing mistake, but this is just stupid. How hard is it to spell my name correctly? And to put in a couple of capital letters?" Remus complained. "Plus, there's a missing comma after 'hi', a missing capital and apostrophe in 'I'm', and it's tacky to repeat yourself."

**"hi im Sirius black!" Sirius black said.**

"Oh, so he deserves a capital letter, but I don't? How's that fair?"

"And," Sirius said, interrupting what might turn into a long rant, "Why does the author keep on repeating the information they already gave? Does the author think their readers are stupid?"

"Definitely." James said solemnly. Lily suppressed a giggle.

**"haha but ure not black!" remis lupin said.**

"Seriously? That's not funny." Sirius said.

"The spelling hurts my eyes." Remus said, groaning. "I can't even focus on what the stories about, all I can see is the dreadful spelling. And lack of capital letters."

**Sirius scowled. "Thats racist!"**

"At least Sirius is somewhat normal." Peter said.

**Remis made puppy eyes.**

"I made puppy eyes? Out of what? Paper and glue?" Remus shook his head, "This story is hopeless."

James shot Lily a smile, which she returned.

**"Im sorry!" he said sadly. "I am notreally raccist!"**

"This is too bad. I can't read this." Remus said, handing Sirius the computer. The latter scanned the page, and groaned. "It gets worse."

**Sirius black realized in that moment that he was in love with remis lupin.**

"Come on. Seriously? I spoke one sentence to him, he made a bad joke and I'm bloody ELEVEN, and I decide I'm in love with him? That's stupid."

"Why is Sirius shagging so many girls if he's gay?"

"Probably to try to get over his feelings for Remus. Or for sexual pleasure, who knows." Livia said.

"I- Just… No. Just no." Sirius said.

**(End flashback)**

**Remis was crying. Teardrops were splattering delicitely from his long eyelashes onto his robs.**

"I think I'm going to vomit." Remus said. "That's such an awful description. Bleh."

**Sirius heart broke.**

**"Whatever happened?" he asked, his voice filled with the pain of onethousand angels dieing.**

"Oh my gosh. Seriously?" Livia asked, looking disgusted. "That's horribly kitschy and over-the-top."

**"Peter died." He said.**

"Hey!" Peter said. "What did I do?"

James and Lily exchanged a slightly guilty look, but the others didn't notice. They were too outraged at the story.

**Sirius sighed a breath of relief. "Oh, I thought something had happened to you."**

Peter's jaw dropped. "Seriously? Right. I officially hate this story."

James grinned at Lily. _One down, three to go._

"Don't worry, Wormy, I'd never be like that." Sirius said, patting Peter on the back.

**Remis went over and hugged Sirius, still wailing.**

"Right, I hate this story too. Why am I such a girl? And why can't they spell my name right?"

**Sirius patted his head comfertingly, glad to be there for his friend.**

"I am so frustrated with this story right now." Sirius said. "Everything is wrong with it."

**Remis took a breath of air. "Im ok. Its okay."**

**Suddenly, both boys stoppend and stared. A wonderfully beautifully amazingally crazily unnaturally beautiful girl entered.**

"They did not just say that." Remus said, staring at the device.

"And not a single comma." Sirius shook his head slowly.

**"Hello," she said delicately.**

**"Who are u?" the guy asked.**

**"Don't u recognize me?" she asked, teardrops splattering her robes, dripping prettily from her crystal blue eyes.**

Sirius actually pulled his hair in frustration. "I hate this story so much."

**"I'm sorry," Sirius said, racking his mind for where he might now the amazingly gorges girl.**

**"I'm Livia!" she said, her beautiful blue eyes starign into the soul of the guy and Sirius.**

Livia started giggling uncontrollably. When there was only the choice between laughing and crying, she usually chose the former.

**Sirius fell onto his knees. "Ooh, are you going to purpose?" she asked, giggling excitedly.**

"Purpose? Doesn't she mean propose?" Sirius said.

"And how stupid am I in this story?" Livia said, still giggling hysterically.

**She pulled out a pink purse with gold jewels on it. "I already have a ring!"**

"Why? WHY?" Livia said, throwing her head back.

**Sirius frowned. "No?" he asked.**

**Livia's face dropped, and she started crying prettily again. "But I was so excited!"**

"I actually feel like crying right now." Remus said solemnly. "This story makes me want to cry. I- There are no words for how rubbish it is."

**Sirius' heart broke. "I… I will prupose, but, I need a moment."**

**Livia nodded, her blonde ringlets with pink and blue highlights bouncing sexily.**

"No, no, no!" Livia said, banging her head on Sirius' shoulder.

**She skipped around the corner, her huge boobs bouncing up and down.**

Sirius patted Livia's shoulder comfortingly. "At least you're not a gay man-whore who is sleeping with 27 girls a week, some of which are four years younger, and not even legal."

Livia sighed. "True, but I'm a complete Mary Sue…"

**Sirius turned to Remus. "I… I love you. But we can't be together, cuz I promised Livia that I'd marry her.**

"This story is so, so, _so _stupid. It makes me doubt humanity in the future." Remus said, shaking his head slowly.

**Remis started crying again, causing Sirius' heart to break.**

Peter, Remus, Sirius and Livia all groaned desperately. Lily bit her lip to keep herself from laughing, whilst James hid a grin behind his hand.

**"I love you too!"**

**The pair shared a kiss so passionate, one hundred puppies lost their innocence.**

"WHAT?" Livia exclaimed.

"No way…" Sirius cried out at the same time.

"I- I don't know what to say." Remus said at the exact same moment.

Peter just shook his head despairingly.

**Meanwhile, Livia was petting unicorns in the forbidden fores.t**

Lily couldn't help it. She burst out laughing at the other's expressions.

Luckily, the others didn't notice. They thought she was laughing to stop herself from crying.

**"You cutie!" she said to the pink on,e. "I'm gonna name u pinkie!"**

Livia banged her head repeatedly on Sirius' shoulder. "No. Please, obliviate me. I think I'll have nightmares about this…" She muttered.

**"We gonna be bffs! Ok?"**

**Meanwhile, Remis and Sirius were snoggin on the floor.**

Sirius buried his head in his hands. "No. I can't… I can't listen to this anymore."

**Suddenly, something kicked Sirius in the ballz.**

**Owwwwwwwwwwwwww" siris howld in pane, turniing 2 swe wat had insflicted sucj badd pane on himm.**

"The author's lost it." Sirius said slowly. "The spelling rivals that of a drunk person that banged their head on the keyboard multiple times."

**It was Sabrina, an eighthy year he had banged two yearsd ago.**

"An eighty-year-old? That I had slept with as a fifth year?! Ahh! The mental images!" Sirius cried. "I can't – Please, can we stop the story?"

Remus, Peter and Livia nodded gratefully, but Lily quickly interjected, "We have to finish it to unlock the next story. Come on, I'm sure it's almost over."

Four faces turned to glare at her.

"I don't see you anywhere in this story…" Sirius muttered, but carried on reading.

**"I HATE YOU!" she yelled at him.**

**"Why? He asjed,**

**"CUZ U BROkeE mY HEaRT" she shutd.**

**"why?2 sirius aksed**

**"CUZ U BANGE D ME AND SLEPT WITH MY THREE YEARS YOUNGER SISTER IIN TE SAME DAE"**

"The author must have written this whilst playing drunk quidditch. That's how bad the spelling is." Sirius said darkly.

**§ Si mjtzttttttttttttttt numkmu66666666 k7 j6uo,.j,, u**

"Right. The author's gone mad." Sirius said.

Lily bit her lip to hide her giggle and smiled at James, remembering what had happened at just this point in writing the story.

**Sirius slapped her and he and Livia gt marred.**

"Well, that was easy." Remus said, shaking his head.

**One yer later Livia died and Sirus and Remis elopd and had seven hundred betiful children.**

Nobody bothered to comment on that, it too bad.

**Petr and Livia got married in heven.**

"I- Just – What just happened." Remus said. "I don't even understand what's happening anymore."

**MEANWHILE:**

**Lily andJames got married too and yeah.**

**THE END!**

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, I think we can safely say that that was the worst story ever. I sincerely hope we are never forced to read another one that awful, and this author is beyond saving." Sirius said seriously.

"Shall we read another one?" Peter asked tentatively. "Y'know, wash away the bad memories?"

The others agreed, so they waited – filled with bad memories from the nightmare story – for the machine to choose the next story.


	25. Sirius the Pureblood

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Sirius The Pureblood Part 1**

**First Uploaded: December 17****th****, 2014**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: Are you really going to make me say it? Fine… I don't own Harry Potter™. It's trademarked, and all.**

**DISCLAIMER/NOTE: This story was written for me by someone, but (and I'm really, really sorry) I can't remember who! I forgot to write it down next to the story, and I can't find it in my inbox anymore! Please leave a review letting me know who you are so I can thank you properly! Anyway, thanks for writing it!**

"I'll read, shall I?" Lily offered, seeing the weary looks the others were shooting at the laptop.

The others merely nodded, scarred for life by the previous story. James shot her an encouraging grin, which made her stomach feel all fluttery.

She shook her head slightly to clear it. "Ahem. This story is called **Sirius the Pureblood**, and the description says, **Something mysterious happens to Siri.**"

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Siri? No thanks."

Lily rolled her eyes and started reading.

**Sirius was exited**

Lily pointedly ignored the spelling mistake, not wanting to make the others feel even more miserable.

**to be going back to Hogwarts after avoiding his family for the summer.**

"Sounds about right," Sirius muttered to James.

**Today he wasn't so successful. He had ran into Bella,**

"Bella?" Lily asked, confused.

"Bellatrix. My cousin." Sirius explained. "Although I have no idea why she's at my house. Usually, thank goodness, they only come at family gatherings. Those are only about twice in the summer. I think I would die if I'd be forced to see her and my other relatives more often than that."

**and she did something COMPLETELY unexpected.**

"It's in capital letters, so it has to be _very_ unexpected." Lily said to the others.

**"Imperio." She said, directing the unforgivable right at him.**

"That's not capital letters level unexpected," Sirius said, only half-joking.

"Wait, isn't it illegal, though?" Livia asked, being the only one not in knowledge of Sirius' family situation.

"That won't stop her." Sirius said, slightly bitterly. "My whole family's rotten. Most of my cousins are aspiring death eaters."

"Oh." Livia answered, not really sure how to reply to that.

"Uh, I'll keep on reading, shall I?" Lily asked, before the silence got to awkward.

**She led him into the dungeons. He only remembered a little, but was wondering why he was in the dungeons.**

"Dungeons? My house may have dark places, but there definitely aren't any dungeons in my house. Or are we at Hogwarts already?" Sirius asked, confused.

"I'm not sure, to be honest." Remus replied.

"And I'm pretty sure that that's not how the imperius curse works." Lily said thoughtfully. "Didn't the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher say something about feeling as though you are in a happy bubble?"

James nodded. "Yeah, I think you're right. He'd be able to remember everything, just not control it. Well, unless she specified that he would forget what happened. Maybe that's the case…"

Lily shrugged and continued reading.

**As he was leaving them, he ran into Bella.**

"Hang on a moment," Remus interrupted. "I'm disoriented. I thought she left him in the dungeons? Why would she go back to check?"

"Give the story a chance." Lily said. "I'm enjoying it. Just listen, and we'll find out.

**"Hello Beatrix." He said.**

"No, no, no." Sirius interrupted.

Lily rolled her eyes at the fact that everybody felt the need to comment on stories every five seconds

"I have a strict Ignore-and-keep-walking policy when it comes to seeing my family." Sirius continued. "And especially Bellatrix. If I'd say hi, it would be the equivalent of writing 'please ruin my day by verbally putting me down and insulting me' on my forehead."

**"Hello Sirius." She replied.**

"Pah." Sirius snorted. "More like, 'Hello, my hopeless, blood traitor cousin. You're going down and so are your little useless friends'. That's her standard greeting for me."

**He knew the next Hogwarts term would start soon, fifth year.**

"So then I'm not at Hogwarts. So my house has a dungeon, apparently." Sirius said.

"Stop nit-picking." Livia said, flicking Sirius on the shoulder. The latter just rolled his eyes.

**Only two left**

"Two what?" Remus wondered. "Years?"

The others nodded unsurely, and Lily continued reading.

**before he would be able to get away from all the Mudbloods and Bloodtrators in Gryffindor.**

"Wait, what?" Sirius said. "Are you sure this is me and not Bellatrix?"

Lily reread the sentence, causing Sirius to frown. "Why would I think that?"

**'If only I had been in Slytherin.' he thought.**

"I don't understand." He said.

Livia's eyes lit up in understanding. "Oh! It's to do with the imperius curse! Obviously now you're the opposite of your true self: Slytherin, pureblood-supremist, and generally like the rest of your family."

Sirius nodded, still frowning a little. He didn't like the idea of himself turning into what he had always strived not to become.

**He was on his way to class. He had been avoiding his former friends, Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew.**

"I don't like this story." Sirius said decidedly.

"I do." Lily said. "I think it's interesting."

"Well, I don't like the fact that I'm exactly how I don't want to be." Sirius said, folding his arms.

"Sirius," Lily gently placed a hand on his arm. "We all know you're nothing like this, so just sit back and enjoy the story. Even in the story you're not really like this, it's just the effects of the imperius curse."

Sirius didn't say anything, but relaxed a little.

**The Evans girl had found him.**

**"Do you know where Remus is?" She asked.**

**"No I don't know, you filthy mudblood."**

Lily frowned, even though she knew it was just a story. Blood purity was always a touchy subject with her.

**Sirius sneered. He walked upstairs to class, leaving Lilly in shock.**

"Hey! My name's spelt with one 'L'. Lily. Not Lilly." Lily interjected, before continuing the story.

**Everyone noticed the change,**

"Like, in that second? Or 'everyone had noticed the change', so gradually." Remus said. "I think the author means the latter, but I can't be sure."

**especially when he started hanging out with Slytherins.**

"Urgh." Sirius muttered darkly under his breath.

**The only thing that stayed the same was his dislike for Shape.**

"Well, at least you're not a completely lost cause, mate." James said jokingly. Sirius barely cracked a smile.

Everybody could see that the story was affecting him. He hated his family and everything they idolised with a passion, and Fanfiction!Sirius was everything Sirius went out of his way to avoid.

**"I told McGonagal."**

"And McGonagall is spelt with double 'L'." Lily said.

**Remus said, "she said there was nothing that could be done."**

"Great, so I'm stuck like this?" Sirius asked.

"It's just a story," Peter reminded him.

**"We have to do something!" James practicality**

"I'm not even sure what that word's supposed to be. Probably 'practically', but…" Lily trailed off, not really sure how to end her short rant.

**yelled.**

**" We could ask him what happened." Peter suggested shyly.**

"Why am I always fat and stupid, dead or the loser of the group?" Peter said, frowning. "Why can't I be the protagonist for once?"

"At least you're there," Livia reminded him. "I've only been in one so far, and that doesn't count, as it was the worst story ever, and I was unrecognizably warped out of character anyway."

Peter nodded, feeling much better.

**"He's been avoiding us." James pointed out.**

**"I could find him in my animagus form." Peter said.**

The marauders exchanged panicked looks, whilst Lily reread the sentence in her head.

"Wait, animagus forms?" She asked.

James started laughing nervously. "Yeah, some things these authors come up with."

Peter also joined in, chuckling whilst shooting Lily and Livia nervous glances. "I know, right? I mean, animagus forms?"

Lily looked at them sceptically, but let it slide.

**"That could work, " Remus started, "try it Peter."**

"Finally!" Peter said. "I'm finally doing something useful!"

"Yeah, and you were the one that had the good idea!" Remus said encouragingly.

Peter settled back for the story to continue, but he had a happy grin on his face.

**_NEXT DAY_**

**"Sirius." Peter said nervously.**

**"What do you want?" Sirius snapped, sending Peter a glare to rival even Malfoy's.**

"Pah." Sirius scoffed. "I could out-glare Malfoy any day. I can be very scary if I want to." He ignored the disbelieving glances everybody was shooting him.

**Peter gulped.**

"That's right, Pete, be afraid! Be very afraid!"

**"What happened to you?" he asked.**

**"My family showed me the proper way to live, away from muggle filth." Sirius answered.**

Sirius' momentary light-heartedness vanished, and he once again glared at the device sullenly.

**"but Sirius-"**

**"Leave me alone, or bad things could happen. " Sirius interrupted.**

**The three boys hadn't taken his warning seriously. They should've. It was a full moon night. In the 'shrieking shack', there was a transformed Werewolf, a stag, and a rat.**

Lily looked at the marauders, eyebrows raised. They looked back at her, expressions somewhere between guilty and nervous.

"Uh, Fanfiction authors and their ideas." Remus said, as calmly and jokingly as he could muster. He had never told Lily or Livia about his 'furry little problem' (as James liked to call it), and they had been lucky so far that no Fanfiction had mentioned anything about it so far.

He supposed that he should have guessed that it would eventually come up, but he had been trying to avoid thinking about what might happen.

"So…?" Lily said, the question evident.

"Uh, just the authors and their ideas." Sirius said quickly, but Remus waved him off.

"Sirius, it's alright. Lily, Livia, I…" He trailed off, not sure what to say.

"You're a werewolf…" Lily whispered, her eyes round as saucers.

Remus looked down at his hands, which were fidgeting with his robes. "Uh, yeah…" He didn't dare to look up at them, to see their reactions.

There was a moment of tense silence, until…

"Wicked." Livia said suddenly, eyes gleaming. That broke the tension, and everybody relaxed and chuckled a bit. Remus was still fidgeting, but he looked a little calmer. "So, do you, I don't know, have heightened senses, or something?" Livia asked.

"No, that's a myth…" Remus said, a small smile forming on his lips.

"Any hidden powers?" She tried again.

Remus shook his head, the corners of his mouth turning up.

"Do you eat raw meat?" She asked, grinning and wrinkling her nose.

"No!" Remus was definitely almost smiling now.

"And…" She paused dramatically, "Do you wear contacts to hide your colour-changing eyes?"

Remus burst out laughing. "Of course not. I'm completely normal, except, once a month, I… transform."

Suddenly, Lily went over to him and gave him a hug. He looked surprised, but pleased. "I'm so glad you told us." She said. "I, uh, had an inkling, but I wanted you to tell me when you felt ready."

Remus smiled. "Well, I wanted to tell you several times, but I always backed out in the last minute."

"Well, we know now." Lily said, sitting back down and continuing the story.

**Suddenly they heard a screaming sound. A black dog entered, dragging a girl behind it. This girl was none other than Lilly Evans. The werewolf turned towards the girl hungrily.**

Remus looked more upset now, how easy it would be in reality for someone to stumble upon him by accident, and to get bitten. He shuddered at the thought.

**The dog blocked the stag as the rat tried to stop the Werewolf. The rat was failing, until it bit the Werewolf's ear.**

"Hang on a moment." Livia interrupted. "Was the werewolf the only true bit, or are you guys really illegal animaguses?"

Thankfully, they didn't have to reply, as suddenly the door to the classroom opened. Not-so-thankfully, however, was the person that walked into the classroom.

Lily had the device back in her bag in a flash, before the intruder could notice anything.

"What's going on in here?" Chrissy Veronica Devitch asked in her high pitched, giggly voice.

Chrissy Veronica Devitch (Or, 'The Witch' as the marauders more commonly referred to her as) was a drama-queen, professional gossiper and, unfortunately, Sirius' ex-girlfriend. Who had deluded herself to thinking that Sirius still loved her. And was practically obsessed with him.

"Ooh, Sirius!" She chimed, reaching out as though to touch him. She thought the better of it when she saw his murderous expression, but didn't let that disturb her for long. "What a surprise!" she giggled.

Chrissy and Sirius had been in a one-month relationship in Sirius' fifth year (Chrissy's fourth), and it was, according to Sirius, the worst relationship of his life. She was clingy, always wanted his full attention, and incapable of discussing anything other than makeup, fashion, famous people and, of course, gossiping about others.

"Oh, hi, Chrissy." Sirius said dully.

"Oh, I love it when you say my name." she giggled.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at Livia, who was practically suffocating from trying not to laugh. Her face was almost as red as her Gryffindor tie.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, still talking in the same monotone voice.

She sighed, like he had asked her the most romantic thing in the world. "Oh, I love talking to you. I was just looking for my BFF, Vivianne. You'll remember Vivianne, of course?" She said, batting her eyelashes at him. "Anyway." She continued, not waiting for a reply. "I was looking for her, then I heard voices. They were talking about… I can't remember. Anyhow, I then heard your voice, and decided that fate wanted us to be together again." She looked at him with big, clumpy mascara-clad blue eyes.

Sirius glanced helplessly at the others, who were all watching the unfolding scene with utmost amusement.

"I think I'll give you two a moment," James said, his silent laughter shaking his whole body.

"James, I swear. Don't you dare – no! Come back! POTTER!" Sirius yelled at the retreating back of his so-called best friend. He saw, panicking, as the others all started leaving as well. _Bunch of traitors, the lot of them. _He thought angrily. He would bet his fortune in his Gringotts vault that they'd be eavesdropping, anyway.

"I love your friends." Chrissy Veronica Devitch sighed. "I think they like me, too."

"You think?" Sirius asked, not bothering to keep the sarcasm from his voice.

"Oh, yes. Which is a good thing, because, when we're married, they'll be seeing a lot of me." She said with a giggle.

"Ah."

"I was actually dating Robert Hanks, but I broke up with him when you said 'hi' to me a couple of months ago."

Sirius winced as he remembered the incident: he had actually mistaken The Witch with someone else, and accidentally greeted her.

"Of course, I realized then and there that you were still in love with me. So I dumped him."

Sirius nodded dully. He could hear loud laughter from outside of the door, but Chrissy didn't seem to notice.

"And we are, like, the perfect couple. Because we're both so good looking." She told him.

Sirius looked her over. She had nice, blonde hair, true, and her face was also pretty (if you ignored the clumpy mascara, vivid blue eye-shadow and cherry red, tarty lipstick), and, he had to admit, she had quite a nice body.

Alright, he would admit that she was very attractive… Until she opened her mouth.

"So, the other day, I was talking to Crystal Evergreen, in Ravenclaw, she's, like, the biggest bitch ever, she told Andrew that Jasmine, (her best friend!) was cheating on him! Can you believe that? Like, who even does that! That breaks all the rules of friendship! Anyway, I was talking to her and she told me that Kylie, a Hufflepuff, she's super cute but she really doesn't know how to style her hair, and it's such a shame, because she has lovely dark hair, it's so full… Anyhow, Kylie said that Bruce, her twin brother, I once dated him, he was nice enough but an awful kisser… Felt like he was trying to find something inside my mouth with his tongue…" she giggled loudly. "Well, he said that his best friend, Derrik, another Hufflepuff, the one with those adorable big, brown eyes, anyway, he said we made a cute couple!" She finished with a giggle.

Sirius stared at her blankly.

"And he's not the only one, Vivianne was talking to a Ravenclaw called Claude…"

Sirius stopped listening. After all, what was there worth listening to? He watched her babble on about people that he didn't know or care about, counting the seconds until she caught a hint and left.

"Sirius?" She asked, waving a hand in front of his face. "Siri?"

"Huh? What?" Sirius asked, snapping out of his daydream of pushing The Witch out of the window.

"I was just telling you a fascinating story of how I found out that Deliah Green's boyfriend was checking out other girls!" She said. She paused to pull out a tub of sticky, red lipgloss, which she proceeded to smear over her lips.

Sirius didn't bother hiding his disgust, but she didn't notice. Or, maybe, she pretended not to.

"Anyway," she began in a completely different tone. Gone was the gossip-y, giggly, high-pitched voice, now her voice was deep, sultry… was she trying to be sexy? "I can't stop thinking about you…"

Sirius started moving backwards slowly. "Uh…"

"And I wanted to do this since you said 'hi' to me, all those months ago…" she said, walking towards him.

Sirius let out a squeal (a manly squeal, of course) as he bumped into the wall.

"And…" she began, but never finished her sentence, because she leaned forwards and pressed her sticky lips to Sirius' mouth.

**A/N: Eyyy well that was a bit different – what do you think! And the boys' secret is safe for now… but for how long…? They will read the rest of the story next chapter, so stay tuned!**

**! Also, here's something important (for me): I know you all probably hate when authors self-promote, but I've started a new story, and I honestly think it's as good as this one – if not better! (if I say so myself). Agree? Disagree? Well, you'll have to check it out. It's called "Back to the Marauder's Era", and it's also somewhat a parody, but it's very different to this story. However, if you enjoyed this one, you'll definitely like that one! And please leave a review while you're at it. !**

**Talking about reviews: review!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	26. Sirius the Pureblood - Part 2

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Sirius the Pureblood Part 2**

**First Uploaded: March 19****th****, 2015**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that belongs to JK Rowling, including but not limited to: her toothbrush, her house and the world of Harry Potter.**

_*A little while later*_

Sirius stormed out of the classroom, frantically wiping his mouth.

"What happened?" James managed to wheeze between his laughter.

"I hate you all." Sirius growled, pushing past them and storming down the corridor.

"Shall we go after him?" Lily giggled. The other three shook their heads, unable to formulate coherent words.

A moment later, The Witch exited the classroom, looking pleased with herself.

"Oh, it went so well," she told them in her high-pitched voice. "I think we'll be married by this time next year."

That set the group off again; James was laughing so hard his legs gave way, causing him to flop onto the ground.

Chrissy looked at them in confusion, flipped her hair and checked her lip-gloss in a pocket mirror.

"You know," Lily whispered to Livia between her giggles, "She's like a real-life Mary Sue, isn't she? Zero personality and all looks."

After about three minutes of being laughed at (even though she didn't know that), Chrissy finally took a hint (or perhaps she didn't) and strutted down the hallway.

"Thank goodness she's gone," James said, wiping his eyes under his glasses, picking himself up off the floor.

"Where do you think Sirius is?" Peter asked. "He's going to kill us, you know."

"Oh, don't be dramatic, Pete. He'll probably be angry for a while ('a while' meaning a maximum of ten minutes, knowing Sirius' self-control and ability to hold a grudge), and then he'll be back to read a story." James told him.

Livia opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by a loud hiss from along the corridor.

"Psst." The voice went.

Remus rolled his eyes and said in a slightly louder voice, "You can come out now, Sirius. She's gone."

"Phew." Sirius stepped out from behind a suit of armour slightly further along the corridor.

"What – what happened?" James asked, desperately trying to keep a straight face.

"Don't make me think about it." Sirius said. "Just shut up and let's finish the story."

Knowing that it would only take a while before Sirius was able to laugh about the incident and he could tell them what happened, the others complied and they trudged back into the classroom.

"Remind me what was happening in the story?" Peter asked.

"Oh, this was the story where Sirius is cursed by Bellatrix and is a psycho pureblood now." James explained quickly, passing Sirius the machine. "It's the full moon, and Sirius was threatening us."

**The three boys hadn't taken his warning seriously. They should've.**

Sirius began reading in a dramatic voice – either he had already forgotten about the incident, or he was trying to block it out. Either way, the group didn't press the matter, they were happy that Sirius had 'forgiven' them for ditching him earlier.

**It was a full moon night. In the 'shrieking shack', there was a transformed Werewolf, a stag, and a rat.**

"Hey, we never finished talking about the animagius bit. Is it true, or made up?" Livia asked.

"Made up." Sirius lied unflinchingly. Maybe they would tell the girls what they were one day, but the moment wasn't right.

James could sense it too. "Yeah. Do you have any idea how complicated human transfiguration is?"

**Suddenly they heard a screaming sound.**

Sirius quickly continued reading, hoping to avoid further discussion.

**A black dog entered, dragging a girl behind it. This girl was none other than Lilly**

"Spelt wrong, if I might add." Sirius said.

Lily closed her eyes briefly. "The double 'L'?" She asked in a pained voice. Sirius nodded solemnly.

"I am so sorry." He told her with mock-seriousness. "I can completely relate: nothing is worse that Sirius being spelt S-E-R-I-O-U-S."

**Evans. The werewolf turned towards the girl hungrily.**

"I – I think I might just go out for a bit." Remus said, looking uneasy.

"Don't be silly, Remus," Lily said to him kindly. "It's just a silly story."

"I know, it's just the whole situation that unnerves me."

Lily reached over and took one of Remus' hands in her own. "Don't worry about it." She repeated, smiling reassuringly at him.

**The dog blocked the stag as the rat tried to stop the Werewolf.**

"And that would work… How?" Peter interjected.

**The rat was failing,**

Sirius continued reading, effectively answering Peter's question.

**until it bit the Were's ear. It then had the wolf's full attention.**

Nobody really felt the need to mention that things would probably not have turned out as such in real life, but they were all thinking it.

**As the werewolf chased the rat, the terrified girl ran away. The dog chased her, and the stag chased him. The stag threw the dog with its antlers, effectively knocking it out. James cornered Lilly and changed back.**

"I think this is the part where we dramatically confess our love to each other, then passionately snog under the full moon." James said theatrically, winking at Lily, who rolled her eyes.

**"Lilly, listen" James said.**

**"Potter, what is going on?!" Lilly screeched.**

**"Calm down." He said.**

"Easier said than done, mate." Sirius pointed out. "Especially in this situation."

**"CALM DOWN?! CALM DOWN?! There was a Werewolf!" She yelled.**

**"Yeah, that was Remus." James confessed.**

"You're very casual about this whole situation, don't you think?" Livia observed.

**"WHAT?!" Lilly screamed.**

**"Listen-"**

**"No!" Lilly insisted, but after a while, James calmed her down enough to explain. She promised not to tell a soul, live or dead.**

**Remus was furious.**

"Understandably." Remus said, releasing Lily's hand when he began feeling silly for holding it.

**He had Sirius cornered with his wand drawn.**

"Ooh, do you think he's going to kill Sirius? What do you think happens when one of our Fanfiction!selves dies?" Peter asked.

"Nothing, probably. After all, one fanfiction was about Sirius and I being gay, and nothing happened," Remus said reasonably.

"I dunno, Moony." Sirius said, placing a hand on his heart. "I've always kind of had a secret thing for you."

"No you haven't." Livia interrupted. "If you think your love for Remus is secret, you're very much mistaken."

"Yeah," James added "we all know how you only have so many girlfriends-"

"Not that many-" Sirius interrupted.

"-Is because you're obsessed with Moony, just worried that he doesn't return your feelings."

"Oh, Sirius," Remus said, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. "I knew that you would realise that you and I are perfect for each other!" He said dramatically.

"Now we can elope together, and live happily ever after!" Sirius sighed happily, winking at his friend. He rolled his eyes at the other's laughter and continued reading.

**"You nearly killed someone!" Remus snarled.**

**"So? It was just some stupid mudblood, and you nearly killed her." Sirius sneered.**

"Oh, no…" Sirius groaned. "I forgot about the part of the story where I'm a pureblood snob."

"Would you rather read a story about you as you are in this story, or the ones where you're a man-whore with an IQ of a rock?" Lily asked with genuine curiosity.

Sirius paused thoughtfully. "I suppose the slutty me. This really is the exact representation of what I don't want to be, whilst I find myself annoyingly amusing when I'm a stupid boy-toy, since it's easier to not take seriously."

**"I couldn't control it, you know that." Remus argued.**

**" Lupin, wake up, I'm a Black. I don't speak with your kind." Sirius explained, slowly drawing his own wand.**

**"Stumpify!"**

"_Stumpify_?" Remus asked. "I hope they mean 'Stupify', or maybe I'm trying to turn Sirius into a tree stump."

**Remus shouted. Sirius blocked it with a shield spell, then fired Alarge Ascendare, sending Remus flying into the air. Sirius then walked away with a last warning to leave him alone.**

Sirius, obviously once again getting uncomfortable with the direction the story was taking, started reading the story with the same theatrical voice he had begun with.

**Over the next few weeks, things just got worse. Sirius was considered an honorary Slytherin by the rest of the student body. He even sat with the Slytherins during meals. Remus was looking for information in the library, dragging Peter and James with him.**

**"Stupefy!" James said, catching Sirius off guard. The three dragged him into an empty classroom.**

**"Are you sure this will work?" Peter asked.**

**"Positive." Remus replied.**

**"Specialis Revelio" Remus cast.**

"Alright," Lily interrupted. "I know for a fact that this spell doesn't exist, and I hate the 'Remus this', 'Remus that' thing that has started to take over."

**The spell showed that there had been some dark spell used on Sirius, but wouldn't reveal what it was.**

"How thick are we in this story? Has it really taken us WEEKS to think of something as basic as revealing what spell has been cast on Sirius? We must be pretty shitty friends, or just really stupid if it's taken us this long to think of such rudimentary things."

**" That didn't quite go as planned." Remus murmured.**

**"Rennervate...Reparifarge"Peter whispered.**

"Horray! I'm being useful!" Peter said. "What?" He asked defensively when the others stared at him. "You don't understand what it's like when all authors hate you for no reason or just leave you out of the story. I have to be grateful for the small joys in life."

**" What happened?" Sirius asked, coming out of the stunning spell's effects, "Where am I?"**

**"An empty classroom." James responded.**

**"School started? Is this some kind of prank?" Sirius asked, quite dazed.**

"Look," James said. "See, mate? Even in the story it's just a spell. No author in their right mind would ever make you such an evil git."

"Mmh." Sirius gave a non-committal grunt. "I think it's an interesting twist, and I'm glad that I wasn't really a snob."

**"What's the last thing you remember?" Remus asked.**

**"I was at my house and- I don't quite remember anything beyond that." Sirius stammered.**

**"You called Lilly a mudblood." Peter whispered.**

**"WHAT!?" Sirius yelled.**

**The muarders**

"Muarders?"

**proceeded to explain the events to Sirius. They never did find out what had happened to their friend, bu**

"That's just careless." Remus said.

**they were quite glad tto**

"Another careless mistake," Sirius said. "It's like the author was so impatient to reach the end of the story that they just didn't care about spelling anymore. This kind of annoys me, to be honest."

**have him back.**

"That's rather stupid of us. Our friend has obviously been cursed severely, possibly an unforgivable, and we don't bother to find out what happened to him? What kind of friends are we?" James said.

"Yeah, and it's not even that difficult to trace back to what happened. It seems like the author really just wanted to wrap things up, and didn't really care anymore what happened."

There was a short moment of silence as everybody thought about the story, when Lily spoke up, "I vote we read another story. What do you think?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Sirius said with a wink.


	27. Sevella - Chapter 2

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Sevella, Chapter 2**

**First Uploaded: March 23****rd****, 2015**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I once had a dream that I owned Harry Potter. Sadly, dreams don't come true and we all die so i'm sad. the end.**

"Oh, look, it's chapter two of **Sevella**!" Sirius said, reading the title of the next story.

"What?" Lily and Livia asked simultaneously, the only ones who hadn't read the story to begin with.

"It's about Snape's long-lost sister and her adventures at Hogwarts." Sirius explained quickly. "The entire story so far can basically be summed up in a couple of sentences: Sevella, a Mary Sue, is Snape's sister and she comes from this family that hates her, so her life sucks. She goes on the Hogwarts express and meets us, I stare at her chest like a perv and start creep-flirting with her, and she sits down in our compartment."

"Oh." Lily said, at a loss of what to reply. "Who wants to read?"

"I can," James volunteered, taking the device from Sirius.

**Sevella had never had so much fun in her life as she sat with the boys on the train.**

"I think there's a missing comma in front of the 'as'." Remus said.

"Oh, Remus, stop nit-picking. I think we can be grateful that Sevella's author at least knows basic English and can use a typie-thing." James said, gesturing at the keyboard. "Unlike the author of the infamous _Reymana_…" The boys shuddered as they remembered the awful story.

**However, she slowly felt herself falling in love with Sirius Black, with his silver eyes as dark as molten pools of moonlight**

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "It's so odd to hear myself being depicted like that. And I don't have silver eyes."

**and his ebony black hair which was as soft as woven silk.**

James snorted.

**The way he laughed and made her want to laugh, the way his eyes bore into hers, giving her the feeling that he was reading her soul,**

"Eugh. Yuck, yuck, yuck." Remus said, shaking his head. "Doesn't work, doesn't work at all. The author seems to want to be poetic, but it's really not going too well."

**the way his pearly-white teeth exposed themselves in his soft, delicate lips which she found herself itching to kiss.**

James snickered as he read the last bit. "Honestly, does the author really believe that this clichéd crap is romantic?"

Sirius had his nose wrinkled in disgust. "You guys have no idea how _weird _it is to listen to this. The way my perfect teeth _exposed _themselves in my perfect mouth? This is… weird. Very."

**Sevella had never felt this way before, but she recognised it as love…**

"How much time have we actually skipped?" Peter wondered. "The author didn't give any indication."

"A couple of months, at least." Sirius said firmly. "I mean, it sounds like she knows me quite well by now."

**She was falling in love, it was wrong, it was forbidden,**

"Why's it forbidden?" Lily asked.

"Because she's Snape's sister and a Mary Sue. Mary Sue's don't belong with us normal folk." Sirius said.

**but it felt so right…**

**By the time the train pulled up at Hogwarts,**

"Wait, so she fell in love with him during, what, the span of four hours?" Livia asked, frowning.

Sirius just shook his head. "Don't ask about the way stories like these work."

**she felt tightly bonded with the four boys. James Potter, a handsome mischief-maker with hazel eyes and messy hair, seemed like a brother to her,**

"I repeat: She's known you guys for four hours."

**as did Remus Lupin, a kind, studious and slightly quieter boy with sandy hair and blue eyes. She also got on well with Peter Pettigrew, a chubby and friendly boy,**

"Yay! I'm a legit character!" Peter cheered.

**and then there was Sirius. Sirius Black…**

**Her love.**

**As they stepped out of the carriage, James pulled her to one side. "Listen, Sevella. I know we only just met you, but we like you a lot, and have decided to make you an honorary marauder."**

James opened and closed his mouth in outrage. "What? We literally just met her!"

**"Marauder?" Sevella whispered, sensing that it was a great honour.**

"Damn right, so she can't be one!" Sirius exclaimed.

**"It's this club me and the guys have.**

"It's not a club," James said. "It's much more than that. The author doesn't understand what it means to be a marauder."

"Let me guess," Livia said dryly, "it's not a club, it's a lifestyle."

**We prank people together and have these nicknames and get girls…" He trailed off sheepishly, blushing slightly.**

**Sevella gave a low, throaty chuckle**

"Am I the only one that imagines her laughing like a paedophile right now?" Peter asked.

"What does a paedophile laugh sound like?" Sirius asked.

"Um," Peter said, turning slightly pink. "Never mind. Read on,"

**that drew looks from the other male students walking past. "I would love that," She smiled, pulling James into a tight hug. "Thank you so much," she breathed into his ear, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek.**

"Could this count as sexual harassment?" James wondered. "I'm being molested by a Mary Sue! Where are you guys anyway, to save me from her?"

"Don't worry," Lily said, "You're safe, as she mentioned that she loves you like a brother. It's Sirius that has to really be worried!"

Sirius groaned. "Don't remind me."

**As she stepped back, she gave him a slightly cheeky grin (for the first time in her life).**

"What, she – for the first time in her life – gave _James _a cheeky grin, or _anybody_?" Remus asked. "The author has to be more specific. I mean, obviously she's never given _anybody _a cheeky grin before, but you never know."

**"Except for the getting girls part. I don't exactly swing that way."**

"What does she mean, 'not exactly'?" Peter asked.

"I think she means that she's straight," Sirius said thoughtfully, "but imagine what a plot twist it would be if she and Lily would elope together."

"Hey," Lily piped up. "I object to that! I don't want to be the one stuck with the Mary-Sue, either."

**James gave a laugh and swung an arm around her shoulders as the two walked up to the castle.**

**"By the way, I think I should tell you something." James said in a slightly more quiet voice.**

**"What?" Sevella asked, looking up at him through her big, round eyes.**

**"Sirius… He… He never is really attatched**

"It's spelt a-t-t-a-c-h-e-d." Remus interjected.

**to girls. I've never seen him act the way he does around you. I… I think he's in love with you."**

The group let out a collective groan.

**Sevella gasped quietly. "I love him too!" She exclaimed.**

"Oh, come on…" Remus sighed. "Give us a little more of a show than that…"

**James grinned at her. "This is perfect! What a great start to the year!"**

**Suddenly, from seemingly thin air, the other three marauders arrived.**

**"So, Sevella," Remus began, smiling brightly at her. "Seeing as you're an honorary marauder now,**

"How do I know that, though?" Remus wondered. "I mean, James told her, and we didn't exactly talk about it before…"

"Hey, so this is all James' fault!" Sirius said. "James is to blame for making Snape's sister a marauder."

"At least I'm not in love with her," James said, effectively shutting Sirius up.

**we'll explain some stuff to you. You'll be in Gryffindor of course,**

"How can I guarantee that?" Remus asked. "Do I know her that well after talking to her for a couple of hours? And what if she doesn't want to be in Gryffindor?"

**and even though you'll be in the girl's dormitory, you will spend every moment with us."**

"Why would we want that?" Peter asked nobody in particular.

**Sevella felt her eyes welling up with tears of happiness.**

**"What is it, Sevella?" Sirius asked, pain in his eyes that she was upset.**

"Yuck. Hasn't Fanfiction!me got an ounce of testosterone left?"

**"Nothing," She said, wiping her eyes.**

**"But you were crying!" He carefully took her dainty hand in his strong, manly one.**

Remus snorted. "I love the way the author felt it was necessary to make sure that the audience was aware that no part of Sirius is less than perfect."

Sirius flexed his hands in front of himself. "I do have manly hands," he said moving them around and examining them.

"Oh, goodness. All this fanfiction really isn't doing anything good for his ego." Lily said.

**"These are tears of happiness," She explained quietly, smiling dazzlingly at them. "I've never had a real family before, you see."**

**The four boys hugged her, and she gave each of them a soft kiss.**

"As in, on the mouth? Imagine what that would look like to others." Sirius said.

"Imagine what it would look like to us!" James said in disgust. "Each of us being kissed by this chick we just met but is our new best-friend, apparently."

**She didn't notice Sirius putting his hand on his cheek**

"Phew, on the cheek, then."

**in a dazed way, flushing slightly.**

**"As I was saying," Remus continued, "You'll always be with us. Now, there is something very important I need to tell you," He said, lowering his voice. "I… I'm a werewolf."**

"Not the big reveal scene." Remus said. "I can't stand them."

**She gasped softly, her pink lips forming an 'o' shape.**

"She's going to give Remus a blowjob." Sirius snorted.

James gave him a slight slap on the back. "Padfoot, there are ladies present!"

**Remus hung his head, ashamed. He looked up in surprise when she hugged him tightly, giving him a second kiss on the cheek.**

"Is it just me, or is there a frightful amount of hugging, kissing and general body-contact going on in this story?" Livia asked.

"No, you're right. It's weird." James said.

**"Oh, Remus, you are so brave," She whispered. "I will never tell a soul, I swear it on my heart."**

**Remus smiled warmly at her. "The other guys, they became Animaguses in order to make the transformation easier for me."**

James didn't stop reading in order to avoid discussion, but he snuck a quick glance at Lily and Livia, both of whom had slight suspicion etched into their faces.

**He told her earnestly. "We could help you become an animagus too!"**

**"I'm already one!" She told them quietly, and a moment later a pure-black swan was sitting at their feet.**

"This is so clichéd, it's hurting my head." Remus said. "Obviously this is a symbol for something which will become important later."

**It was pitch black, like the darkness on a new moon, except for a crescent moon of silver on its forehead.**

"This is dripping with clichés… It hurts. It really does." Remus groaned.

**The four marauders gasped in surprised, dumb-struck by the beautiful animal before them. As Sevella transformed back into herself, the marauders were still gaping at her.**

**"Your nickname**

"What? She doesn't just get awarded a marauder nickname!" Sirius exclaimed. "You have to work for one of those!"

**can be ****_Chanson Noire_****,**

"What a stupid nickname."

**which is black song in French,**

"It's stupid."

**or ****_Chans _****for short!"**

"Stupid."

**James exclaimed.**

**Sevella gave him a stunning smile. "I love it," She said softly.**

**"And finally, as a marauder we are obliged to hate all Slytherins, and Severus Snape in particular." James said.**

"Finally, some conflict!" Peter said happily. "Maybe drama!"

**Sevella felt like time stopped. Her heart seemed to stop beating, her face drained of all color. She had known that it was too good to be true – all of it. Once the marauders knew who she truly was, they would hate her.**

"Enter: Angst." Remus said.

**"Are you alright?" She heard Sirius asking her, concern etched into his handsome face.**

**"Yes," She mumbled, trying to stop the crushing and crumbling feeling she was experiencing.**

Lily started laughing. "What kind of a description is that?"

**She felt like there was a storm inside her stomach, crashing and rumbling and making her dizzy.**

"It's called diarrhoea, darling." Sirius snickered.

**"The sorting is going to start in a few minutes," Remus told her, pulling her into the great hall gently by her elbow.**

"So wait," Peter interrupted. "We've been having this private and important conversation in front of the great hall, where a bunch of students are walking in? How dumb are we in this story?"

"Very, seeing as we made Sevella an honorary marauder."

**"You should probably go with the first years to be sorted." James told her. "See you in a few minutes at the Gryffindor table!"**

**Sevella gave him a weak smile and walked over to the group of first years, as if in a trance. She felt the looks of the other students boring into her back, and saw a few of the males nudging each other and glancing at her suggestively.**

"Again, with the 'all guys are perverts' thing!" Sirius complained.

**Her Chanel dress suddenly felt very exposing, even though its hemline was barely three inches above her knee, and only the gentle swell of her breasts were v0isible – nothing too suggestive.**

"Er, why didn't she change into her school-robes before she arrived? For that matter, why didn't we? Or did we just change with her inside the compartment, it wouldn't surprise me at this point." Remus said.

**After all the first years had been sorted, the witch (called McGonna-something)**

The group chuckled.

**looked further down the parchment, her eyes widening slightly.**

**"Sevella Snape?"**

"Ooh," Peter piped up. "Now that we find out that she's actually Snape's sister, we can all hate her! Drama! Yay!"

**Sevella had forgotten about her lie to the boys.**

"Uh, just three minutes ago she was angsting about it." Lily said.

**She felt her eyes fill with tears as she looked at them and saw them staring at her, their jaws dropped. Their eyes were filled with disappointment.**

"Yay! Now we all hate her because she's a Mary Sue, and we live happily ever after!"

**Trembling, she made her way over to the crooked stool and had the hat placed over her head.**

**_"Hmm." _****A little voice sounded in her head, causing her so start. ****_"I see… Very curious, very curious indeed. I see a lot of courage, but loyalty, intelligence and ambition as well… You would do extremely well in any house. But where to put you?"_**

"Is it always that Mary Sues would do well in any house? I'm sensing a pattern." Peter said.

**_I have to go to Gryffindor! _****She thought desperately.**

**_"Gryffindor, eh? Let me mull it over."_**

**The hat was silent for a long while, causing Sevella to wonder what was happening.**

**_"I think you should be in… SLYTHERIN!"_**

"And that's the end." James said.

"I quite liked the plot-twist at the end." Remus said thoughtfully. "It was quite surprising, because her life isn't perfect at the moment. I mean, obviously we'll realise that she's still the same person we made an honorary marauder and all be friends with her again, Sirius will probably marry her, and she'll be popular in Slytherin as well, but still."

"Oh, wait," James said, "There's still an Author's Note at the end:"

**A/N: Heyyyyyy guyzzzz whatz up? Hahaha Sooo I hope you luv the new chappie of Sevella (or should I say Chans?! Lol!) And what do u think! Leave me a review or else! Hahaha jk but plsss doooooo! I'll update soon pinkie-swear! Lol! Next chapter: Sevella and the guys talk, she meets her roommates and more! Hahaa byeeeee!**

"Um. It seems like that because she used good spelling and grammar during the story, she felt the need to vent it all into the note at the end." Remus sighed. "I guess we should just be thankful that she made her story legible, no matter how bad it is."

"I vote we read another story." Sirius said immediately. "This is so much fun."

"I agree. We still have a couple of hours until curfew, so we should manage to fit in another few!"

With that, they watched the device select the next story.


	28. Fifty Shades of Black

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Fifty Shades of Black**

**First Uploaded: April 29th, 2015**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: As much as I wish I did, I don't. I think you know what I'm talking about: Owning the Wizarding Word of Harry Potter. Sigh.**

**Special Thanks Goes To: Red Furry, for this deliciously bad story.**

"So, this one is called **Fifty Shades of Black**, it's by **Red Furry.** The summary is **'Siris black and his love storys** **Sorry I suck at summaries, read to find out plz!'**" James read.

"What kind of a summary is that?" Remus asked, outraged. "'Read to find out'? I want to have a word with this author, maybe teach them something about writing summaries."

"Oh Merlin. Please tell me this story is not going to be about my sexual adventures with various girls…" Sirius groaned.

"You mean your _love stories_?" James asked, laughing. He clasped his hands together in anticipation. "I'm looking forward to this one."

"Can I read?" Lily asked.

"Go ahead," James said, passing her the laptop. Both of them coloured slightly as their hands brushed; luckily none of the others seemed to notice.

**The broom closet was small but they didn't need anything bigger rite now.**

Sirius groaned. "No, what did I do to the fates to deserve this torture? I am but a nice, innocent-" several snorts sounded, "-boy, and I cannot stand this horror!" He finished dramatically.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Come on, how do you even know it's about you?"

"Broom closet, Evans. I'm practically the king of broom closets."

"And you wonder why fanfiction authors see you as a male gigolo with a low IQ and high ego?" Lily asked with a snort.

"And anyway," Sirius continued, ignoring her. "it said it was about my love stories. Meaning, it's about my LOVE STORIES." Sirius said, emphasising the last part. The other marauders began to chuckle (Peter's laugh sounded suspiciously like a giggle, but he would deny this if anybody mentioned it), but Lily and Livia just rolled their eyes.

"Anyway, it's just a story." Lily said. "And a bad one at that," she scanned the rest of the story. "Yep, definitely a bad one."

Sirius just grumbled as Lily continued reading.

**"we can not B seen," Siri whispered in2 the ear of his luver.**

"My eyes," Lily said, mock-shielding them from the screen. "Can someone else please read?"

"I'll do it," Livia said, taking the device. "Shall I say something whenever there's a spelling or grammar error?" She asked.

"NO!" Everybody else yelled loudly.

**If some1 found out, the evil wizards in Sliterin would lose any respect for Reg**

Sirius looked positively green, despite the fact that the Fanfiction wasn't especially well-written. Or at all well written, for that matter. "Just the idea that… Yuck. I need my mind scourgified. Bleh. Eugh." Sirius shook his head a couple of times.

"Hey, mate," James began, "this is pretty messed up-"

"Very messed up," Sirius grumbled.

"But just pretend that 'Reg' is short for… Regina, or something. She's a really hot Slytherin chick that is your long-term girlfriend."

"Still, why would I date a Slytherin?" Sirius muttered, but he let the matter drop.

**and all da girls in Sirus' harem**

"See? I have a harem. What did I do to all these authors?" Sirius moaned, putting his hands up in the air. "Why do they think I'm such a… harlot?"

Livia snorted. "Harlot?"

**would run away screaming. Which brings another matter-  
(20 mins later)**

"What? The author can't just interrupt themselves!" Remus said, outraged. "What matter? And how can they just skip time like that?"

**'Oh Siri**

"Not Siri. Never Siri. It's worse than 'Serious', but only by a bit." Said Sirius.

**where have U been?'  
Sirius turned back and saw it was his 3rd girlfriend that day.**

"I… But… Why?" Sirius asked miserably.

**'Dont worry, ShadowMaryDarknesss**

"_cough_-Mary-Sue-_cough_," Peter interjected.

"She's even called 'Mary'." Remus said, amused.

**-Notsue,**

Everybody hesitated for a moment. "Oh!" Peter exclaimed suddenly. "It's not meant seriously! It's obviously a parody!"

Sirius brightened immediately. "Do you think? So nobody really thinks that Regulus and I would make a good couple?"

"I have to agree with Peter," Lily said. "Why would they specifically put _Not-sue _in a story?"

"Well," Livia began, "I sort of agree with you, but if the author was capable of writing a good story, why would they use such _atrocious _spelling and grammar?"

Nobody could really answer that, so Livia continued reading.

**now Im here!' he ecxlaimed, worried that she might find out about his affair with Regulus,**

Sirius covered his ears, so Livia quickly coughed and 'corrected' herself. "I mean, Regina,"

**so he quickly kissed her passionately. That always works.  
Then, he was about to do some quidih**

"I am beginning to think that whoever wrote this literally did this as an experiment, and wrote it after they had seven firewhiskey shots in order to test what sort of an amusing story came out of it." James said.

"I agree." Sirius said firmly. "Nobody would ever ship… Eugh, I can't even say it. Continue reading, please."

**practice (Siri loved fast brooms)**

Peter laughed. "Is it just me that sees this as a sexual innuendo during this story?"

"Please don't." Sirius with semi-false misery. "I am convinced that the purpose of this whole story is to blatantly attack my status as a human being." He finished with a mock-sniff.

**when he suddenly remembered he had a detention with McGonada for not handing in the essay yesterday. He quickly shifted into a dog,**

"Okay," Lily said, turning to the boys. "This is definitely a coincidence as well? Several completely different authors' with different styles all happen to invent the idea that you lot are animaguses?" She asked.

"Erm… yes?" James tried. Lily and Livia looked at him with their eyebrows raised. They weren't dumb, and the marauders had obviously been hiding something whenever the authors mentioned anything about them being animagus. Not to mention the fact that several completely different authors had seemed to have _coincidentally _had the exact same idea. It wasn't difficult to guess the truth.

"So… you're really animagus?" Livia asked carefully.

Sirius gave a long sigh before nodding.

"I can't believe it." Lily said. Although she had guessed several stories ago that this might be the case, it still didn't prepare her for the shock of having her suspicions confirmed. "You're all crazy."

"We didn't do it for the hell of it," James quickly explained. "You know about Remus'… problem, and it's usually really painful for him. Around our third year, we realised that by doing this, we could make it infinitely easier for him."

"When did you complete the transformation?" Lily asked, unable to keep the awe out of her voice.

"Fifth year." James said, running a hand through his hair slightly sheepishly.

Both girls' jaws dropped. "Fifth year?" Livia asked ludicrously.

"But we had been working on it since third year." Sirius added.

"Wow… That's just… wow. You lot really are crazy. Animagus? Merlin." Lily shook her head. "This is illegal, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, we know, but we had to do it for Moony." Sirius said simply.

"What are your animagus forms?" Livia asked, still gobsmacked.

"Stag." James said, pointing at himself.

"Prongs." Lily breathed, everything clicking in her head. "Because of the antlers, right?" James nodded.

"Dog." Sirius said cheerfully.

Livia snorted. "Typical. So why are you Padfoot, then?"

"My feet are padded."

"I'm… well… a rat." Peter said, somewhat bashfully.

"Wormtail." Lily said, nodding. She ran a hand through her hair. "This is so insane. Merlin and Morgana, I can't believe that you lot are animagus! I think the reason I'm not freaking out is because this hasn't sunk in, yet."

Remus cleared his throat, somewhat uncomfortably. "Uh, do you have any other questions, or can we continue?"

"Does it hurt to transform?" Livia asked.

"Not really," James replied. "It's slightly uncomfortable, like a kind of tugging in your body, but it's nowhere near as bad as, for example, apperating."

"And how does the transformation work?" Lily asked, fascinated.

"Well, it's hard to explain." Sirius rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "You have to really… picture yourself as the animal, and you… I really don't know how to explain this… kind of _mould _to your form. It's really tricky to describe."

"Could you transform here?" Livia asked suddenly.

The marauders shifted, suddenly uncomfortable. "Er," James ran a hand through his hair nervously. "It's nothing personal against you girls, but… Um… It's sort of this, uh, private thing? It's got nothing to do with you," he hastily repeated for emphasis. "This whole thing is a kind of delicate matter, though."

"No, it's fine, I understand," Livia said sincerely, although she couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed.

"Maybe another time." Sirius said. "Shall we continue?"

**cuz he knew his professor likes wild secx with lots of biting and stuff.**

"Ew, ew, ew." Sirius peered at the screen over Livia's shoulder. "I cannot believe it actually says that!"

"So, another question." Lily said. "Would it technically be possible for you to… _ahem…_"

"Shag as animals?" Sirius asked bluntly. "No idea. We've never tried."

"Oh, uh, of course," Lily said, beet-red.

**(after the detention)**

**'Harder Padfoot, harder!'**

"No way. I don't believe it." Sirius moaned, covering his eyes. "This is going to give me nightmares." He complained.

**James potter was so sexy and speciel,**

"No way." James said in disbelief. "They did not just imply that Padfoot and I are shagging."

"Sorry, mate," Peter said, "But I think they did."

**he totally did not deverse such a stupid, shallow bi**h like Evans.**

"Excuse me?" Lily asked, outraged. She opened her mouth to complain further when she caught the small wink James sent her. Flushing slightly, she gave a quiet gulp and settled back down. The others exchanged confused looks as to why she was backing down so easily, then, after a moment of silence, Livia continued reading.

**Btw he was gay so he could do it wif Sirius! Meanwhile Remus was covering both boyz with soft kisses,**

Remus wrinkled his nose. "This has to be the absolutely _worst _fanfiction that we've ever read. It's even more horrible than bloody Reymana!"

**and Peter masticated on an apple.**

"_What?!_" Peter exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. "Did the author just…"

"Yup." Livia confirmed darkly, "I am infinitely glad that I didn't make an appearance in this story. I dearly hope that it stays that way."

**When sudenly... the door of the unused classrom opened!**

"How did the author come up with such a twisted thing?" Peter asked, shaking his head.

**'What are you doing Mr Black?'**

**It was dumbledore and his Lemon Drops. (the headmaster was doing obscene things with them).**

The group were all looking very repulsed, for, although the situation was not at all realistic, and the story too badly-written to be believable, it had put a lot of mental images into all of their minds which they would have gladly done without.

**'were dating Professor,' Sirius grinned, totally without getting off James.**

"Yuck, yuck, yuck."

**'Oh that's great, all four?'**

"Yuck, yuck, yuck."

**"Yeah!'**

"Yuck, yuck, yuck."

"Shut the hell up, Padfoot. This is just as terrible for all of us." James said.

"Yuck, yuck-"

"SHUT UP!"

"I don't like it." Sirius whined. "I wanna read a nice fanfiction, an enjoyable one, or at least one which we can make fun of! This one is going to give me nightmares."

"It's almost over," Livia said. "Just a couple more sentences."

"Fine," Sirius grumbled.

**"Lets join the boys in the common Room!" da headmaster seid excitedly.  
And the o*** had started.**

"It's over?" Sirius asked hopefully. Livia nodded tiredly and the group let out a relieved breath.

"Well, that was the absolute _worst _piece of shit that I ever had the absolute _misfortune _to encounter, and I dearly hope that I will never see anything _like _it ever again." James said, running a hand through his hair.

"I vote we read another, to erase it from our memories." Peter said.

"Although I have no doubt that this story will come back to haunt me, I must agree. Let's read another one." Sirius said.


	29. Black Lilies

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Black Lilies**

**First Uploaded: May 2nd, 2015**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: Nope, Harry Potter or anything else connected to him or his world do not belong to me. Unfortunately.**

**Warning: Following chapter contains Sirius' creative swearwords (you'll see), discussions about sex (nothing too serious) and semi-intense fanfiction!snogging (nothing to worry about). Enjoy!**

"This story had better be good." Sirius grumbled. "Or at least better than that godforsaken nightmare we were just forced to read."

"I'll read this one," Remus offered, moving into a more comfortable position in front of the device. "It's called '**Black Lilies**'."

"Goodness, that sounds dark." Lily said.

"It reminds me of the last story, **Fifty Shades of Black**." Sirius said, shuddering.

"Why?" Peter asked.

"They've both got the word 'Black' in their title." Sirius said as though it were obvious.

"I think the last story traumatised him." James said in a loud whisper to Remus. "He's still in shock."

Sirius suddenly looked around the classroom in panic. "And it's the four of us," he pointed to himself and the other marauders, "And the two girls in an _unused classroom_. Exactly like in the story! Oh Merlin's dirty pants, this is terrible!"

"Sirius, calm down." Lily said, trying to hide her amusement. "You're taking these stories too seriously."

"Easy for you to say." Sirius muttered. "You weren't even in the bloody story."

"I'll start reading, shall I?" Remus suggested. Upon the nods of the others, he took a deep breath and began the story.

**Black is the colour of her hair. The colour of her life.**

"It's very dramatic," Livia said, amused.

**Her name is Lily Evans.**

"Hang on a second, my hair isn't black!" Lily said, twirling a strand of her fiery red hair. "That's just plain wrong."

"It's called creative license, Evans." Sirius said.

Lily snorted. "You're such a hypocrite. You were making such a big deal about the fact that you have silver eyes, but at least that could be a misinterpretation, seeing as you have grey eyes. My hair, however, is not black, not in any light! And my life isn't black, either." She added as an afterthought.

**She is quiet, barely says a word.**

Lily scoffed. "Puh-lease. I say tons."

**In class, the professors overlook her,**

"Alright, I'm pretty sure this story isn't about me."

**she has no friends.**

"Excuse me?!"

**Nobody even knows she exists.**

"I have to agree with Lily." Remus said. "This really doesn't sound like her at all."

**She dyes her hair black**

"See! The story is realistic; you dye your hair. It's still red naturally." Sirius pointed out.

"Padfoot." James said. "If you think this story is realistic, you've taken a couple of bludgers too many to the head."

"I didn't mean _realistic _realistic, I just meant that the author knew her stuff-"

"She just chose to ignore it all." Livia interrupted.

**to fit the mood of her soul.**

"Yuck. Talk about badly-written angst." Remus said, shaking his head.

**Her dark grey eyes**

"And," Lily said, pointing at her eyes, "_I don't have grey eyes_!"

"I'm beginning to understand how you feel," Sirius said. "And I can sympathise."

**are lined with layers of black eyeliner,**

"So, apparently Lily's some kind of a gothic, loner, bad student that pities herself terribly." Peter said.

"I can't tell you how weird it is for me to listen to myself being described like this." Lily said. "I don't like this one."

**her lips a dark purple. She's a**

"Uh, I think I'll skip this bit," Remus said worriedly.

"Don't be such a wuss." Sirius said. "Just read it. No matter what it is, we've probably heard worse."

**mudblood.**

Lily frowned and opened her mouth, only to snap it shut. "Excuse me?"

"I'm 'fraid so," Remus said sheepishly.

"_Did I just call myself that_?" She asked, outraged. "I can't call _myself _that! I – I. Never mind. Just continue reading."

**Nobody cares about her.**

"Boo-hoo. Grow a backbone, fanfiction!me, and stop whining." Lily said, beginning to get annoyed by her fanfiction!self.

**Her mother hates her because she's her father's illegitimate child.**

"Whoops, it's a Mary Sue." Livia said.

"I'm not sure about that," Remus said slowly. "I'm starting to think that it's a… semi-Sue. She hasn't been described as flawless yet, and so far everybody ignores her, so she's not the centre of attention. I think we've just encountered a new type of Sue, the wangsty!Sue."

"What's that?" Peter asked.

"Well, I just made up the name, but this _is _a rather stereotypical character type. It's the rejected, lonely and misunderstood character that spends most of the story whining about her tragic life. That's why it's 'wangst', it's whining and angsting in one."

"Makes sense," James said, nodding. "But why's it a Sue?"

"You'll see, I bet someone will be the one to understand her, and they'll fall in love. It's practically inevitable."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "I really hope you're wrong."

**Her father hates her because of the guilt he feels towards her mother.**

"So, basically, everybody hates her." Peter said.

"Yeah, except for the one love-interest that will probably make an appearance soon." Said Remus.

**Her sister, Petunia, used to care, but even she shut her out.**

Lily shifted nervously. This sentence was uncomfortably close to the truth.

**She's invisible. The invisible Lily Evans.**

"Great, now I'm just imagining her as some sort of a super-hero." Livia said.

"I think it'd be more like a permanent disillusionment charm." Sirius said.

**"Miss Evans?" Slughorn calls her to the front of the classroom.**

"I swear to Merlin, if Slughorn is the love interest, I'm going to throw something." Lily said.

**She shys away from the looks the class give her.**

**"Yes, Professor?" She asks quietly. She's invisible.**

"Now it really does sound like a disillusionment charm." Sirius laughed.

**"Your essay?" The professor looks at her expectantly. She gulps.**

**"I – I didn't do it." She mutters.**

"Alright, and Fanfiction!me is wondering why she's not doing well in school."

**She had spent the afternoon crying in her bed because the Slytherins put her down for her birth again.**

Lily shook her head, frustrated. "No, no, no. Listen, Fanfiction!me, if someone puts you down for your birth, you don't _cry _about it. You ignore them, and strive to show that you're better than them in every way!" She didn't see the curious gazes that she was receiving from everybody, suddenly, to the others, a lot about Lily was making sense.

_It's odd,_Sirius thought, _that between reading these stories and laughing, shouting and ranting, we're really getting to know each other better. _He thought back to when Remus had told the girls about his furry little problem, and when they had revealed that they were animagi. However, it wasn't just the big things like that – he was also getting to know the girls a lot better than before. He was even learning new things about the other marauders – and they were as close as could be.

_Yes,_he thought, satisfied. _I'm very glad I found this strange device._

**The professor tsks and makes a cross in his book. "Third time this week, Miss Evans."**

"Is it odd that I'm feeling the strange urge to punch my fanfiction!self?" Lily asked.

"Nope," Sirius said cheerfully, "I'm quite familiar with that feeling. What with the many stories about me being a seducing creep, a walking shag mobile or a seventeen-year-old that behaves like I've drank four cans of soda and I'm on a permanent sugar high, I often wish I could give fanfiction!me a good kick in the place where it hurts most."

**She wants to scream at him, but instead she just nods.**

"See, now they're introducing how 'helpless' she is." Remus said.

"What do you mean?" Asked Livia.

"Look at her inner turmoil," Remus said in a mock-dramatic voice. "And how she _can't _do anything about it." He finished normally.

**Invisible Lily Evans.**

"Why do they keep just shoving that in there?" Peter asked. "It's annoying."

"To build suspense, or tension, or dramatic energy or whatever." Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Needless to say, it's not really working."

**"Oi, Evans! Fall into a dumpster?" Sirius Black yells at her.**

"Huh? Why would I say that?" Sirius asked. "Don't worry, Lily, I would never insult you – and definitely not with such a first-year insult."

"Thanks, I guess," Lily said, a little miffed. "But I know that. The question is, why did the author make you do that?"

"Because _everybody _is against you, you don't have _anybody _in your life, before the love interest comes along. They should be making an appearance soon."

"I hope it's me." James said, giving Lily a wink. Everybody laughed, there being nothing out of the ordinary with James' comment, only Lily knew the true significance of it. She blushed and tried to calm the flurry of butterflies in her stomach.

**She blinks back tears and rushes out of the classroom.**

"Oh, come on, Fanfiction!Lily, grow a backbone." Livia sighed.

**"Miss Evans! Class has just started!" The professor shouts after her. She ignores him.**

"Does this author really think that Lily is anything like this?" Peter asked.

"Probably not. They just wanted to write an angsty story, and they decided that Lily was a character that they could warp. Anyway, we already talked about the fact that she _is _a Mary Sue, albeit a different breed, and therefore, as is usually the case in Mary Sue-featuring stories, everybody (including the character themselves) is completely different than in reality." Remus finished.

**He doesn't care about her. She's just invisible, anyway.**

"Stop repeating that!" Peter said, annoyed.

**She crashes into James Potter, who is late for class, as usual.**

"I'd take offence to that if it wasn't mostly true." James said.

**"Lily," he breaths,**

"Ah, here's the long-awaited love interest." Remus said.

"How do you know?" Sirius asked.

"First of all, he called her by her first name. Second of all, he said it _'breathily'_. A very important detail." Remus said dryly. "Just trust me. He's the love interest."

**holding her in order to keep her from falling.**

"What a gentleman, Prongs," said Peter.

**"What – what did you just call me?" She asks quietly, his eyes boring into hers.**

"Uh, your name?" Livia snorted.

**"Lily," he repeats, his gaze not wavering. He's seen her.**

"Why is the author so insistent on this stupid invisibility metaphor thing? I'm really sick of it." Peter complained. "I get that it's supposed to be dramatic and poetic, but it's really just not working."

**As his lips capture hers,**

James blinked. "Well, that certainly moved fast."

"I told you he was going to be the love interest." Remus said, somewhat smugly.

**she's in heaven.**

"C'mon, fanfiction!me, just because he said your name once doesn't mean that he's your prince in shining armour!" Lily sighed.

**She's not invisible after all.**

"_Stop it with the invisibility_!" Peter ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Enough is enough!"

**He presses her against the stone wall, her lips moving frantically against his.**

Lily swallowed nervously, and James ran a hand through his hair uncomfortably.

**She wraps her legs around his waist, he moves against her, causing wonderful friction between them.**

Lily shifted in her seat, glancing at the others who seemed oblivious to her discomfort. James scratched the back of his neck, trying not to look at Lily.

**He slides his tongue into her mouth as the kiss becomes more heated, more passionate.**

Lily couldn't help but feel her gaze pull towards James, who glanced at her at the exact same moment. They both looked away hastily, red in the face.

The others, meanwhile, listened to Remus read the story, laughing at how Fanfiction!Lily was _so unlike _real!Lily, because real!Lily would never, _ever _consider kissing James. Lily gulped.

**She sighs happily as he begins to undress her.**

Lily stood up noisily, causing all the others to look at her. "Uh," she stammered. "I realised that I forgot my… um…" she looked around frantically, her gaze latching onto the Charms book poking out of Livia's book bag, "Charms homework." She said, standing up straighter. "I need to go and do that. And, uh, James – I mean Potter, or, uh, James Potter, needs to help me with that. Yes, and I mean now. Right now." She looked at James nervously, who jumped out of his seat immediately.

"Uh, yeah, I'll go do that." He said, clearing his thought and running a hand through his hair. "Um. This story is rubbish anyway. Just read without us. I'm going now. With Lily – I mean, Evans. Uh, bye."

The two dashed out of the classroom, leaving four very confused faces behind.

"Now, what in the name of _Merlin's grandma's granny-panties crotch hole_ was that all about?" Sirius asked.

"What did you just say?" Livia snorted. Being a girl (and as such being blessed with the intuition that only girls possessed), she had a slight hunch of what was going on, but she was going to wait until Lily was ready to tell her before she poked her friend for details.

"It's a special swear word reserved for special occasions. And anyway, if those two little buggers didn't just run off to snog in the nearest broom closet, then I'll eat my hat."

"You don't even wear a hat," Remus pointed out. He, too, had an idea of what was happening.

"What do you mean, Lily and James are snogging?" Peter asked.

"Don't worry, about it, Wormy, we'll tell you when you're older." Sirius said in a mock-condescending manner.

"Oh, shove it up your-"

"Ahem," Livia interrupted. "Are we going to continue the story?"

"Fine." Peter grumbled. "But when it's finished, you lot have to explain what I'm missing out on."

Sirius scanned over the page. "They skipped the sex scene?" Sirius asked. "How cheap."

"Maybe this is meant for younger readers," Remus said mildly.

"Then they wouldn't have written such an intense snogging scene that little Prongsie and ickle Lily felt the need to go out to relieve some of the pent up tension." Said Sirius.

"Urgh, Black, can you-" Livia stopped suddenly, frozen. The others stared at her.

"Livia?" Peter asked carefully.

"Do you lot realise the implications of this?" Livia asked suddenly.

"Uh…?" Sirius looked at her blankly.

"Lily and James just ran out to – most likely, and I strongly hope – snog. This implies that they fancy each other, and are considering dating. _This _implies that Lily finally realised her feelings for James, and that the two of them are BLOODY SNOGGING AT THIS VERY MOMENT!" She finished triumphantly.

"She's right!" Sirius exclaimed after a moment. "She's bloody right! Merlin, you know what that means? They read our story and realised their feelings for each other, and that means our plan totally worked!"

"It did!" Peter said excitedly, catching on to the happenings. "Great Godric, now they can date and Prongs can stop lamenting his failings when it comes to Evans! This is brilliant!"

For a couple of minutes, the group continued discussing this latest turn of events happily.

"I suppose we should read on?" Remus asked, still grinning broadly.

"Bring it!" Sirius said, leaning back in his chair. "I feel like I could handle even the worst Mary Sue at the moment."

**Black is the color of her life.**

"Whoops, and we're back to angsting." Livia said.

**Tears fall.**

"Heavy angsting." Sirius said, nodding in agreement. "Why would she be upset, though? She was just 'seen' by a guy, with whom she made passionate love in a smelly broom closet, or at least I hope they had the decency to find a broom closet, since they were snogging in a corridor. Blimey, do you think they just shagged in the corridor next to the potions classroom? Imagine if old Sluggy would walk out and see them."

"I – uh, I really don't know, Sirius." Remus said.

**He says it was a 'mistake'.**

"Psh. Like Prongs would _ever _say that." Sirius scoffed.

"It's for the sake of drama in the story," Livia said. "And so that she can angst some more."

**She can't look at him.**

**She's invisible.**

"NO! JUST STOP THE INVISIBILITY COMPARISONS!" Peter yelled suddenly, causing the others to start.

**He's always the center of attention.**

"That is to say, he and his fellow wonderful marauders," Sirius said.

**She's failing her classes.**

"I wonder if this author knew anything about Lily at all." Remus said. "This sounds absolutely nothing like her."

**He always is top of the grade.**

"Ahem, no he's not." Sirius said. "I mean, both he and I get really good marks,"

"Especially considering you two do no work whatsoever and rely purely on talent to get through your classes," Remus muttered.

"Exactly, but, as I was saying, we're not top of the year. Lily, Remus, Alya and Alma, those two twins in Ravenclaw, and Jeffery Macmillan are."

**She's a social outclass.**

"She's not!" Livia exclaimed. "She has tons of friends!"

**He's the most popular boy in school.**

"Cough-except-for-Sirius-cough,"

"Do you need any help with that nasty cough?" Livia asked sweetly, pounding Sirius on the back.

"No, I'm fine," Sirius wheezed, moving away from Livia.

**She wants to die.**

"So now she's suicidal," Peter deadpanned.

**He's full of life.**

"Urgh, these comparisons are getting really boring." Remus said.

**She loves him. He couldn't care less about her.**

"This story is wrong in just about _everything _that it could be wrong in. Perhaps the author wanted to experiment by creating a world completely opposite to reality." Peter said.

**"Lily?" Her ditzy roommate, Marla, says carefully. "I brought you some coffee and toast."**

"So she does have friends," Livia said. "Why was she angsting about it, then?"

**She hasn't gone to breakfast for the past week.**

"What? She's mad." Sirius said, shaking his head.

**She can't cope with seeing him, seeing him so careless; not when she's breaking inside.**

**"Can I please be alone?" She says without looking up.**

"Fanfiction!Lily needs to stop being so anti-social if she wants to have friends." Livia said. "Oh, and she needs to stop pushing away the people that _do _care about her."

**"O-okay." Marla says, leaving. "If you need anything…?"**

**Marla's a stupid know-nothing.**

"What? Then there is a reason that Fanfiction!Lily doesn't have any friends." Livia said, rolling her eyes. "If she's going to be so mean, and so picky when it comes to who she _permits _to be around her, then she can't expect everyone to love her. Also, she has to stop angsting about not having any friends if she pushes them away herself."

**"No, Marla. Please leave."**

**Lily slept with Marla's boyfriend last year,**

"What? That is so nothing like Lily, I'm pretty sure that this story has nothing to do with her. They just borrowed her name and inserted it." Remus said.

**causing her to scream at Lily in front of the whole school. She can't forgive Marla,**

"Excuse me? Marla managed to forgive Lily – I mean, Fanfiction!Lily – for _sleeping with her boyfriend_, and is making an effort to be friendly, and Lily – I meant Fanfiction!Lily, damn it – can't forgive Marla for rightfully yelling at her after she did something terrible? No wonder she doesn't have any friends." Livia said, shaking her head.

**not when her life is in shambles.**

"Then instead of wangsting, she should do something, for Merlin's sake!" Sirius said, shaking his head.

**She finds a letter from her father on the window sill.**

_**Lily.**_

_**I heard you're failing all your classes. Please try harder or I'll have to talk to your teachers.**_

_**-Dad**_

"See, her dad obviously doesn't hate her as much as she thinks he does, because he cares enough to ask her to try harder in school. If he really hated her, he wouldn't give a shit of how well she did." Sirius said, thinking of his own family.

**Lily feels the tears begin to fall again. Her father doesn't understand what it's like for her.**

"And here we go again, wangst, wangst, wangst." Peter said.

**Neither do any of her professors. She doesn't know what to do.**

"Maybe stop wangsting and start sorting out her life?" Remus suggested dryly.

**She's invisible anyway.**

"NO! NO MORE INVISIBILITY COMPARISONS!" Peter bellowed. "They are terrible, stop repeating them!"

**She makes a half-hearted attempt at her homework, but can't find the energy.**

"I want to smack Fanfiction!Lily. She's so unlike real!Lily that it makes me want to scream." Livia said, folding her arms.

**Instead, she explores the school, looking for new passageways.**

**"Lily," The familiar, husky voice causes her to spin around.**

"Enter: James. The failed love interest that will most likely realise his true feelings for Lily in three seconds, and is nothing like real!James whatsoever." Remus said.

**"James," she breathes.**

**"I… It wasn't a mistake. I miss you. I love you."**

"What did I tell you?"

**"I love you, too. I've always loved you, I will always love you."**

"CHEESEY! Too cheesy! Trashy! Yuck!" Sirius yelled.

**Lily whispers, tears flowing down her cheeks.**

"Urgh."

**This time, they make love.**

"What were they doing before?" Peter asked. "I thought they had shagged before, too?"

"Yeah, but before it had been just sex, now it's _emotional, spiritual _love-making. Because they confessed their undying love for each other before doing the deed." Sirius said.

**Black is the color her hair used to be.**

"Oh?"

**Now her hair is blonde.**

"C'mon! At least they could have made it red." Remus said, glaring at the screen.

**She's ready for a new start.**

"Finally. I'd be more glad, however, that Fanfiction!Lily finally screwed her head onto her shoulders and stopped whining if it didn't take a _guy _for her to do so. Where is feminism in the world? What are young girls going to learn from this? That it's only possible to lead a good life if you have a guy?" Livia said angrily. "Why couldn't she make this change without Fanfiction!James?"

**She's ready to no longer be invisible.**

Peter groaned, burying his face in his hands. "Urgh. I hate this story."

**She's ready to take on the world.**

"And that's the end." Remus said.

"That one was rubbish." Sirius said. "Utter crap."

"I agree," Livia said. She suddenly jumped up.

"Um…?"

"Well, I don't know about you lot, but I'm going to see what Lily and James are up to."

The other three also quickly stood up, and the group slowly and quietly walked out of the classroom. They didn't have to look for long, just around the corner in an empty corridor, Lily and James were kissing like there was no tomorrow.

**A/N: Wohoo! Thank you to everybody who reviews, you lot are the BEST! So, how about YOU (yes, I mean you), leave me a quick review? They mean so much to me.**

**Alright. Hope you were all satisfied with the Jily bits, and next chapter, they shall encounter… the badly written time-travel fic. Mwahaha.**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	30. Time Travel with Hermione

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Time Travel with Hermione**

**First Uploaded: May 30****th****, 2015**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: Lalala, I don't own Harry (lala) Potter, lalala**

**Warning: Swearing! (sorry, guys, but this chapter needs it…)**

_Just around the corner in an empty corridor, James and Lily were kissing like there was no tomorrow…_

"I KNEW IT!" Sirius shouted, causing all of the others to spin towards him. Lily and James jumped a meter away from each other, Lily turning as red a tomato and James ruffling his hair uncomfortably (albeit somewhat triumphantly).

Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius' lack of tack, then turned to face the two rather guilty looking individuals in front of them.

"Uh, um," Lily stammered, staring at anything except the other people in the corridor.

"Er, hi…?" James said, ruffling his hair again, then stuffing his hands deep into his pockets.

Suddenly, Livia ran forward, pulled Lily into a bear hug and started squealing. "I can't believe it! Finally! I thought you would _never _come to your senses!"

The spell of awkwardness was broken; Lily started giggling and quietly answering all of Livia's questions, Sirius ran forward to pound James on the back and to congratulate him (but he also asked a fair amount of questions), whilst Remus and Peter watched on, amused. Once Sirius was done with his interrogation, they also offered their congratulations and patted James on the back (although they were significantly less… violent… than Sirius). James, meanwhile, was grinning an ear-splitting smile and was all too glad to give the others details of how he had _finally _won over the one-and-only Lily Evans (he also added a fair bit of _'I told you so! I told you she'd fall for me eventually!'_)_._

"You know what?" Sirius said after all questions had been answered, all details squeezed out, and all congratulations made. "I think we should read another story."

Livia rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Sirius, I think that you're getting far too addicted to this whole story-reading thing."

"You don't understand because you're not in any of them!" Sirius retorted.

Livia just shook her head. "I can't say I mind, because, honestly, I don't really feel like having to read about myself in a warped-out-of-shape version. I mean, you spend more time complaining about the stories than actually enjoying them."

"No, no, no." Sirius said. "We complain, but that's the _fun _part! We _like _complaining about the warped characters, bad writing and general stupidity of the stories."

Livia sighed, "Whatever. Let's read another story if you want to so badly."

The group walked back into the classroom, finding (thankfully) that everything was just as they left it. To their surprise, the device had already selected the next story.

"Can I read?" Livia asked.

Everybody nodded, eager to begin the story. Lily and James sat next to each other, holding hands and giving each other little "secret" looks. Sirius (who was sitting next to James) made loud retching noises, only to receive a kick in the shin from Lily.

**Once upon a time,**

Remus groaned. "There goes all hope of this being a good story."

**Hermione**

"Hang on a moment," Peter said, "We don't know a Hermione, do we?"

Sirius wracked his brains for anybody by that name, but he couldn't think of anyone. "I don't know anyone called 'Hermione'. I mean, there was great-aunt Hermiette Black, but I don't think that that's the same thing. Maybe she's not a pureblood, then I wouldn't know her." To Livia's questioning look, he quickly clarified, "My dear old mother made me learn the entire family tree, as well as any other important pureblood wizarding family trees, off by heart." He sighed, somewhat bitterly.

"I don't understand," Peter said, "Why would we be reading a story about someone we don't know?"

"Let's find out, I suppose," Remus said, motioning for Livia to continue.

**and Ron**

"We really don't know anyone called Ron," Sirius said.

"Maybe Rolanda, she's a Ravenclaw prefect, a fifth year. It might be a nickname." Lily suggested.

"Rolanda to Ron? Nah, it doesn't make sense. Beside, Ron's a bloke's name." Sirius said.

**were snogging on her bed.**

"Ooh, getting straight to the intense parts!" Sirius said, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"What a crappy start to a story." Peter said. _"Once upon a time, Hermione and Ron were snogging on her bed"_. That's awful."

"Maybe it's a sex-story." Sirius said.

"Then why _on earth_ would it begin with 'Once upon a time'," Remus pointed out.

**Hermione broke away, and whispered "I'll be back in a second!"**

"See, she's probably getting something kinky." Sirius said. "Or maybe she forgot to take The Potion, and needs to get it now. _Or maybe _she wants to shave quickly. Or maybe-"

"Shut up, Sirius, shut up _right now_." Livia said.

**She got up and ran into her bathroom.**

"Told you! I knew that this was going to be a sex-story."

**She soon found what she was looking for. She grabbed her perfume from her sponge-bag,**

"Urgh. How dull." Sirius said. "B-o-r-i-n-g."

"I didn't know you could spell." Lily said, her lips tugging upwards.

"Puh-lease. G-i-v-e-space-c-r-e-d-i-t-space-w-h," Sirius paused. "Never mind, I'm too lazy. _Give credit where credit is due_."

Lily just rolled her eyes.

**and sprayed a few spritzes onto her neck. However, she accidentally knocked a big black box of the shelf!**

"Why the exclamation mark?" Livia asked. "Talk about completely unnecessary."

**The box, which had been fastened with a big, rusty locket, sprung open, and Hermione, overwhelmed with curiosity, peered inside.**

"Maybe it's something kinky," Sirius suggested half-heartedly.

"Maybe you should shut up," Lily told him, but her smile ruined the effect.

**"It's a time-turner!" she gasped.**

**However, the time turner was not like the gold one she had received from Professor McGonagall,**

"Why would this Hermione chick receive a time-turner from professor McGonagall?" Sirius asked.

"Why are you trying to see sense in Fanfiction?" Remus replied. "Who knows. Maybe this story is part of a series, or something."

**but it was ebony black!**

"Exclamation mark," Livia said in her 'reading-voice'.

**She gasped**

"All this gasping is getting old," Peter said.

**and picked it up, like in a trance. It felt cold and smooth, and, still in the trance,**

"I love how the author felt the need to add that she's still in the imaginary trance (because the author stated the first time around that it was _'like in a trance'_, but the second time it's actually a trance)." James said.

**she slipped it over her neck.**

**Her fingers seemed to move by themselves as she turned the dial ten times.**

"Urgh." Sirius sighed, "I have a feeling that I'm not going to like this story."

**"Oi, Padfoot!"**

"Enter: me."

**Was the first thing Hermione heard when she woke up.**

**"Yes, Prongs?" Was the second.**

**"Pass me the butterbeer!" The first voice said again.**

**"Here! Let's get drunk!"**

"C'mon, authors! We don't get drunk this often, only occasionally." James said.

"For example," Lily began, "at Quidditch after-parties, at end-of-year parties, at exams-are-over parties, at Christmas parties, at New Year parties, at Ravenclaw-beat-Slytherin parties, at Hufflepuff-is-out-of-the-running-for-the-cup parties, at we-pulled-a-spectacular-prank-and-didn't-get-caught parties, and at we-don't-need-an-occasion-we-just-feel-like-having-a-party parties, to name a few."

"Exactly," Sirius said. "We don't get drunk often!"

Lily just rolled her eyes.

**She opened her eyes.**

**"Oi, who are you?" The first voice asked. It took Hermione a minute to register that the voice was reffering to her.**

"Just kidding, the voice was referring (spelled referring, not with a double 'f'), to Sirius, who was James' best friend and whom he had known for most of his life, since there was nobody aside from the three of them in the corridor." Livia said sarcastically.

**Hermione gasped!**

"First of all, we've had enough gasping." Remus said. "And secondly, WHY THE EXCLAIMATION MARK?"

**The boy talking to her looked exactly like Harry,**

"Do we know a Harry?" Peter asked. The others shook their heads.

**but he had different eyes (Lily's eyes)**

"Wow, this is creepy." Lily said.

Remus smirked slowly. "What?" James asked him.

"A time-traveller from the future knows someone named Harry that looks exactly like James with Lily's eyes. Doesn't that seem odd to any of you?"

"You mean to say…" James trailed off.

"Are you implying…" Lily looked at Remus.

"I'm not implying anything," He said, raising his palms in defence. "I'm just saying that this is what it seems like to me."

**and his glasses were different. There was no doubt about it, it was James Potter, Harry's dad!**

"Um." James said, staring blankly at the device. "Uh."

"Good thing this story is crap and probably not true at all." Lily said quickly.

"Yeah," James said. "Not true at all…"

**This meant she had gone back to the marauder's era!**

"Enough exclamation marks." Livia groaned.

"I must say, though, I love how we've got an entire era named after us. 'The marauders' era' has a nice ring to it." Sirius said.

**"I'm Hermione," she said, remembering the question the boy had asked her.**

**"Nice to meet you, Hermione," the second boy said. Hermione couldn't help but gasp again.**

Remus buried his face in his hands.

**The boy infront of her was the splitting representation of Sirius, only younger and not as battered by his years in Azkaban.**

"Excuse me?" Sirius asked.

"Don't worry, I'm sure all these things are just products of the author's insane imagination." Livia said.

"They had better be." Sirius muttered, still looking on-edge.

**"Are you Sirius Black?" She asked, stunned.**

**"Yes I am!" He replied, giving her a knee-weakening smile which caused her to melt.**

Sirius was still too stunned at the author's implication that he was going to go to Azkaban to get an ego-boost out of his Fanfiction!hottness.

**"Oh my! I'm in the marauders era!" She exclaimed. "This is insane!"**

**"What are you talking about, darling?" Sirius asked, winking.**

"Am I a flirt again?" Sirius asked in semi-despair.

"Let's wait and see…"

**"I need to see Dumbledore!" She cried. Sirius took her to the head master.**

"Headmaster is spelled in one word, otherwise it sounds like the master of a head." Livia said.

**Dumbledore looked mildly surprised to see her, his eyes twinkled mysteriously.**

"So far, Dumbledore has a fairly good characterisation." Peter said.

**"What is it?" He asked, looking up from his papers. Sirius gave Hermione's hand a squeeze and left.**

"So we're already chummy? Super." Sirius said dully.

**"Oh, headmaster!" Hermione squealed.**

"Imagine Dumbledore's actual reaction if that would happen." James laughed.

**"I'm from the future, I accidentally came back!"**

**"Really?" Dumbledore asked, surprisingly calmly. "You had better tell me everything."**

**Hermione told him everything.**

"Is the author serious?" Remus asked. "Don't you dare make one of your godforsaken puns out of that," He added when Sirius opened his mouth. Sirius shut his mouth.

**"Oh, goodness." Dumbledore said. "Peter Pettigrew is a stupid boy."**

"Excuse me, _what_?" Peter asked. "What in the name of Merlin is everybody's problem with me?" He crossed his arms angrily and stared at the device.

**He shook his head sadly. "I always knew that boy was no good. Oh, well, this is easily taken care of."**

**Ten minutes later :D**

"Why did they add the colon and the capital 'D'?" Livia asked. "It makes no sense."

**Dumbledore waited for Pettigrew to come to his office. He was flabbergasted by everything this strange, beautiful girl had told him.**

"Okay, why did they have to add that she was beautiful?" James said. "It isn't at all relevant to the plot – not in the slightest."

**She was currently sitting in his office, prettily**

"Honestly?" Sirius snorted.

**looking out of the window. There was a knock on the door. "Come in." He said. Pettigrew entered.**

"Why am I 'Pettigrew'?" Peter asked sadly.

**He sat down in the chair that was free looking like the stupid**

Peter frowned.

**and ugly**

The frown deepened.

**traitor**

His jaw dropped.

**that he is (A/N: FUCK YOU PETTIGREW! DIE IN A HOLE!11!1).**

"I don't understand what all these authors have against me!" Peter said helplessly. "I know that I'm not as good-looking or clever or witty as Sirius, James and Remus, but why do they have to keep rubbing it in!" He said sadly. "I mean, it's always the same. Either they completely leave me out, or I'm the dumb, ugly loser that dies halfway through the chapter. Am I really that much of a burden to have around?"

"Of course not!" All of the others said immediately. Lily got up and sat next to Peter, putting an arm around his shoulder.

"Listen, these authors are just some random pre-teen girls that don't know anything about us. I mean, in the future, who knows what people think of us. Don't listen to what the authors say." Lily said soothingly.

"Yeah, Pete, do you think we'd let you be part of our 'exclusive' marauder club if we didn't genuinely like you?" Sirius added.

"And none of what these stupid authors say is true. I mean, you see how ridiculously they characterise everybody else!" James said firmly.

"But it's not just the stories!" Peter said. "It's true that everybody likes me least. All the teachers think I'm okay, but nothing compared to you lot, all the girls either dream about 'handsome and mysterious' Padfoot, 'fit and witty' Prongs, or 'studious and cute' Moony. Nobody likes me!"

"That's not true!" Sirius said. "You dated that blonde Hufflepuff for two months."

"Yeah, but the only reason she started dating me in the first place was so that she could get close to you."

"But later she genuinely liked you." Remus reminded him.

"Until she dumped me because a better offer came along." Peter said sadly. "And besides, I've had one girlfriend,"

"What about Laura Meyers?" Sirius interjected.

"She doesn't count because she just used me to make her on-and-off boyfriend jealous, and I was the first person she could get. Anyway, I've had one girlfriend, Sirius has had tons, James has had loads even though the only one he ever wanted was Lily, and look! Who's he dating now?" Peter bitterly gestured to Lily and James' intertwined hands. "Surprise, surprise, the one girl who didn't fall for his charm did! And I'm super happy for you, mate, and you totally deserve it," He added, "but do you see what I mean? Everybody, and I mean _everybody _loves you!"

"What about me?" Remus said. "I have only had three very short, not-at-all serious relationships."

"That's by choice, though!" Peter said. "You don't _want _a girlfriend because of your… problem, but if you did want one, you would be able to find one within the day! Loads of girls fancy you! Nobody fancies me."

"But who cares about girls?" Livia said. "Dating isn't important. You're friends with the three most popular boys in school, the best friends anyone could wish for!"

"See, there it is again. I'm friends with the three most popular boys in school. Why can't I be one of the most popular guys in school? Sirius is the charming, good-looking one that all the girls love, James is the sporty, funny and cool one, Remus is the sarcastic, witty and studious one, I'm the sidekick. The one that watches from the side-lines."

"That's not true!" James exclaimed.

"IT IS TRUE!" Peter exploded. "IT'S TRUE, AND YOU KNOW IT! You all know it!"

"But Peter, you can't let what other people think bring you down," Lily said, squeezing Peter's shoulder. "We all love you, and that's what counts."

"I know, I know, but I just get so sick of it sometimes. Even before we read the stories, I just… I don't know. Sometimes it's just… never mind." Peter said, looking down at his hands.

Livia whispered something into James' ear, and the latter stood up. "C'mon, Pete, we're going for a walk. I need to talk to you."

Peter stood up, somewhat unsurely, and followed James out of the classroom.

The remaining four sat in silence for a moment. "Why did you ask James to take Peter for a walk?" Sirius asked Livia, for once with a completely serious face.

"I thought it was better if he wouldn't have to listen to the rest of the story. I read ahead and it's not pretty." Livia said gravely.

"Why do the authors hate Peter so much? I just don't understand it." Lily said. "He might be a bit of a sidekick, but he's a nice person and he has his heart in the right place."

"I don't know." Remus said.

"Seriously, though. Why?" Lily said. It was an indicator of the gravity of the situation that Sirius didn't bother to make a pun.

"I honestly have no idea." Livia said. "I mean, the only two things that are consistent in most stories are that you and James end up together," Livia shot Lily a small smile, which the latter returned, rolling her eyes, "and that they hate Peter. It's a mystery to me."

"Shall we continue reading?" Sirius said, though slightly more reluctantly than he usually was to read stories.

**He looked up at Dumbledore expectantly with a dumb expression on his fat face.**

"This author-bullying makes me so angry!" Remus said. "Why would they write a character that has no purpose except to be dumb and fat – of which Peter is neither!"

**"What is it?" He asked confusedly.**

**"**_**Avada Kedavra!"**_******Dumbledore commanded.**

The four sat in silence.

**The filthy rat fell to the floor, dead.**

Livia read in a small voice.

Sirius slammed his fist to the nearest desk, making all the others jump. "No fucking way." He swore angrily. "Absolutely no bloody fucking way."

Remus tugged at his hair, frustrated beyond belief. "I hate this story! I would take any story making me and Sirius or me and Dumbledore or me and ANYONE gay, or hyper, or dumb as a rock – I would rather read a story pairing me with SIRIUS' MOTHER than to have someone hate so much on my friend who already has inferiority issues. I would read a Reymana epic sooner than force poor Peter to have to listen to this!"

Lily scooted closer to Remus and put an arm around him. "Me, too. I think… I think that this author is probably someone very upset with their life and they lashed out viciously on someone they thought couldn't hurt them. Don't worry. We all know that we love Peter and that he's an amazing friend. Let's just get this story over with."

**"Horray!" Hermione cheered.**

"What a bitch." Sirius said darkly.

**"Now nobody will die!"**

"Huh?" Livia asked.

**"Yes, this is very good." Dumbledore said happily. "Alright, you may now attend classes. You were in Gryffindor in your time?" He asked.**

**"Yes, sir. I was the best witch in the school!**

"Such a stuck-up, bitchy, friend-killing witch." Sirius grumbled.

**Everybody told me I was the smartest witch of my age, and the kindest."**

"Shut the fuck up." Sirius said viciously, his arms folded tightly and his handsome face contoured in an angry frown. "I can't stand her."

**She said, but not in a bragging way.**

Remus snorted bitterly.

**She was very humble and kind and pretty.**

"Sure, honey." Livia said sarcastically. "If the author felt the need to add it in there, it's probably not true. What do people say about 'Showing, not telling'?"

**"Then you will be in Gryffindor here. How old are you, my dear?" He asked.**

"Dumbledore would never say, 'My dear'." Remus muttered.

**"Sixteen, sir." She replied respectfully.**

**"Then you will be in sixth year with the marauders!"**

"Of course the author had to add it in there. Because we won't find out soon enough that she's with us."

**Dubledore**

"Careless." Livia scoffed.

**said. "You may go now."**

**"Thanks" she said, smiling as she left.**

**One hour later (imagine that in a Spongebob voice :D)**

"Are you bloody kidding me?" Remus asked, standing up angrily. "Just... fuck… I can't even specify how much I _detest _this author and this bloody story!" (And Remus _never _swore).

**"Hello, again, Hermione!" Sirius said, flashing her a smile. Remus and James were also there, playing exploding snap.**

**"Hi, Black," she said with a cheeky grin.**

"Oh, fuck off. If I get paired with her I'm going to smash the window." Sirius said, his frown darkening.

**"So, what's up?" Sirius asked. "Where's Peter?"**

**Hermione sighed prettily.**

"Bitch."

**"I'm afraid he's dead." She said.**

**"WHAT?!" Everybody exclaimed.**

"And then they killed the girl. The end." Sirius said dryly.

**Hermione quickly explained the situation.**

"What situation?" Lily asked. "Author? Specify, please?"

**"That rat…" Sirius said.**

Sirius dragged a hand through his hair, his hands shaking out of anger.

**"Okay then, are you in our year?"**

**"Yes," she replied prettily.**

"I want to murder this girl. I really do."

**"I am."**

**"So do you want me to show you around the school?" Sirius asked.**

**"I already know around the school." Hermione said with a smile. "Except for one place…" She lied. "The boy's dormitory!" She lied, not mentioning all the times she had been there with Harry and Ron**

"Now I REALLY want to kill her. She's been demoralising Lily and James' future son! Back off, bitch, or godfather Sirius will kick your ass!" Sirius paused. "Bags on godfather, by the way."

**(A/N: EWW not in THAT way u pervs! LOL! Okay maybe with ron hahaha but deffo not with HARRY! LOL!).**

"Good," Sirius said. "I still hate this story, though." He added.

**"Oh, I suppose I should show you them then!" Sirius said.**

**They went up to the boys dormitory, Hermione was happy that girls could go up unlike boys in the girls dormitory.**

**"So, this is what it looks like." Sirius said shyly.**

**"Cool" Hermione replied, looking around. It was messy, but not gross.**

**"Ew is that a dirty diper!" She exclaimed.**

**"Yes that was Pettigrews he still used dipers because he is a dirty rat."**

Both Sirius and Remus had to clench and unclench their fists a couple of times, and Lily found herself – surprisingly – blinking away tears that suddenly sprung up.

**(A/N: Sorrynotsorry for all the Peter-bashing, but we all hate him anyway so nobody cares!:D)**

"Fuck you, author, of course we care!" Sirius yelled.

**"Oh, gross." She said, vanishing the diper and all of Pettigrews other things.**

"I… I… I don't know what to say." Sirius stood up and started pacing up and down. "Just… I… This… Fuck."

**She turned and started walking towards Sirius. "So," she said seductively.**

"Fuck you, back off."

**Sirius gulped "so?"**

**"What does one do in here usually?" she asked.**

**"um" he replied nervously.**

**She grabbed his hair and crashed his mouth to hers.**

A sudden smashing and shattering sound made everyone nearly jump out of their skins. Lily whipped around, only to see Sirius standing with his wand pointed at one of the windows, which was now the shattered remains of glass.

"Sirius, you could get into so much trouble for that!" Remus exclaimed.

"I don't give a shit at the moment." Sirius said, pocketing his wand and sitting back down.

**They kissed passionately and moaned as their tounges fought for dominance. Their tongues danced together in a slow, wet dance. Sirius tasted like food, yummy food though.**

Livia read fast and in one breath.

"I think I'm going to vomit." Sirius said.

**"Wow" Sirius said when they had finished, panting.**

**"I know," she said shyly.**

**"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" he asked.**

**"Sure" she replied. The end.**

"You know what? I need a break." Sirius said, standing up. Remus followed almost immediately, as did Lily and Livia. "Let's go to the kitchens." He suggested.

"I'm in." Lily replied, and Livia nodded, shrugging.

Before they left the classroom, Lily quickly repaired the broken window with a couple of simple spells, and placed several locking charms on the door of the classroom. _Just in case_, she thought, _Just in case._

**A/N: Sorry if this chapter is not as funny as everyone hoped, but I really needed Peter to have his inferiority-breakdown. Anyways, next chapter is going to include some Peter-love, and I'm having an identity crisis where I find myself LIKING (!?) young Peter Pettigrew, even though I know**_**fully well**_******what he does…! Like, what? Does anyone else find themselves in a situation like that when reading a fanfiction?**

**Alright, enough rambling in my part. Bye, luvs.**

**Xo**

**~Coco**

**P.S: Click that review button! (U No U want 2) (Yeah, I just did that.)**


	31. Peter Pettigrew, the Epitome of Cool

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Thirty-One: Peter Pettigrew, the Epitome of Cool**

**First Uploaded: August 1st, 2015**

**Re-done: January 1****st****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. Thus, Harry Potter and his wonderful world do not belong to me… What a sad life.**

**NOTE: I know that "throwing shade" was not a**_**thing**_******in the seventies, but, for the sake of this chapter, let's pretend it is. Please?**

"Where are we going?" Livia asked after the group had been walking down a corridor (following Sirius) for about ten minutes.

"I don't know about you," Sirius said, "but I'm looking for the other two. Stay here." He said, pointing at Lily and Livia.

"Um, alright?" Lily said, sitting down on the floor, Livia mirroring her.

Sirius grabbed Remus by the arm and dragged him behind a secret opening in the wall that was covered with a tapestry – Lily managed to catch a glimpse of a small, green room before the room was obscured from her vision again.

"Well, this doesn't look suggestive at all," Livia commented lightly, causing Lily to giggle.

Barely ten seconds later, Sirius stumbled out from behind the tapestry, shoving a piece of semi-worn looking parchment into his pocket. Remus followed him, looking disgruntled.

"This way," Sirius proclaimed, setting off back in the direction they had come from.

"Don't question him," Remus advised the two rather confused looking girls, offering them a hand in order to help them stand up.

"I'm really beginning to regret that I didn't stay in the empty classroom. At least I could sit down there." Livia stated five minutes later.

"We're almost there," Sirius said.

"Almost _where_?" Livia asked, getting no reply.

"I don't think I've ever been in this part of the castle before," Lily said. "And – oh, great. A dead end. Where next, oh mighty Sirius?"

"I like that title. Please use it more often. And, allow me to inform you that we have not hit a dead end." Sirius said, raising his hand to the painting of a bowl of fruit.

"It looks like a dead end to me – what on earth are you doing?" Lily asked as Sirius began tickling the pear on the picture.

"Watch, and learn." Sirius said, as the kitchens of Hogwarts revealed themselves.

"Wow," Lily said, her jaw dropping.

"I know. No time for dilly-dallying, we have friends to rescue from the pitfalls of depression and self-loathing."

"Did he just say 'dilly-dallying'?" Livia muttered to Remus, who gave a half-hearted shrug.

Peter and James were fairly easy to find, seeing as they were the only ones above a metre tall. Several house elves offered various snacks to the newest guests as they passed, which they gratefully accepted.

"Hi, guys!" Peter said, looking significantly more cheerful than he had been the last time they had seen him.

"So, did you lot get up to anything interesting whilst we were gone?" Remus asked.

"Nah." James replied. "We came down to the kitchen and had something to eat. What about you?"

"Not much," Lily said quickly, glancing at Peter (luckily, he didn't notice, as he was currently pondering whether or not he should ask the house elves for another biscuit).

"Anyway," Sirius said, sitting down, "I feel like we should read another story."

"Really?" Remus said, shooting Sirius a look.

"Yep," Sirius said, ignoring the look. "_Accio Fanfiction reading device thingy!" _He waited for a couple of seconds, and (when nothing happened), he frowned. "I can't help it that I don't know what it's called."

"Alright," James said, rolling his eyes. "Let's go back to the classroom."

"This story is called, **Peter Pettigrew – the Epitome of Cool**," Sirius read.

"You're joking." Peter said flatly. "Nobody in their right minds would write a story titled that."

"It's not funny, Padfoot." James said firmly.

"I'm not kidding!" Sirius said, showing everybody the screen where the story title was, in fact, as Sirius had said.

"Oh," Peter said in a small voice.

Sirius grinned broadly. "I'll start reading, shall I?"

**Peter Pettigrew was cool.**

"See, Pete? People do think you're cool!" James said, nudging him with his shoulder.

**He was cooler than all the other marauders put together. He was cooler than McGonagall's cool alter-ego GoMacamall**

"What?" Lily asked, laughing.

Sirius repeated the sentence, also laughing. "Apparently, McGonagall has a cool alter-ego."

"And she's called… GoMacamall? That's genius."

**and Kevin Koole,**

"I love how subtly the story is telling us that Kevin is cool." Remus said, a smile tugging the corners of his lips.

"No, Remus. Kevin is so cool, it's even in his name." Sirius said solemnly, then ruined the effect by having a fit of chuckles.

**the best Quidditch player in the world, put together. He was the epitome of cool. He was coolness embodied. He was******_**Cool**_******with a capital 'C'.**

"What do you think of the story so far, Pete?" Livia asked.

"I… I don't really know what to think." Peter said. "I just hope that the author isn't being sarcastic, or something."

**Peter woke up to his usual sight: Sirius sitting in front of the mirror, styling his hair,**

"Sounds pretty accurate," Remus said.

**James putting on Gaycup**

"WHAT?" James asked.

**(Makeup for men)**

"I do not wear gaycup! Or makeup! Either of them!"

**and Remus taking a shower.**

"Why am I the only one so out of character?" James said. "Let's face it, Remus takes showers in the morning, Sirius usually does style his hair - mphff mffft mphhh!"

Sirius, who had his hand over James' mouth, said to him seriously, "No, Prongs. My hair is naturally this flawless – I don't style it." He nodded his head obviously towards Lily and Livia. "And – ew! Did you just lick my hand?" He said, pulling his hand away from James like he had been burnt. "Yuck!"

**Sirius usually spent an hour styling his hair, in order to make it look presentable,**

"Excuse me? My hair is perfect, and I _don't style it!_"

**unlike Peter. Peter's hair was flawless, even when he just got out of bed. James needed Gaycup to look good, unlike Peter. Peter, being the epitome of cool, looked swoon-worthy without needing Gaycup and being a phony.**

"So not only is this story insulting my masculinity and my ego by implying that I wear makeup and am not good looking, but it's now also claiming I'm a phoney?" James said.

**Remus didn't really care what he looked like, which explained a lot.**

Lily laughed. "I think this story just threw shade at you, Remus."

"I think so, too." Remus said with a smile, shaking his head.

**Peter threw on his swag-robes,**

"What's 'swag'?" Lily asked.

"Not a clue." Remus replied.

**and ran a hand through his amaza-fantabulous hair. He strutted towards the door, when he heard the others call him.**

**"Peter, please wait for us!" Sirius cried from the mirror, frantically trying to make his hair look as cool as Peter's.**

Livia giggled.

**"Yes, please, Peter! We want to let everybody know that we're friends with somebody as cool as you!" James added, smearing Male-scara**

Lily laughed.

**on his eyelashes.**

**"Pete, can you please help me with my essay?" Remus asked.**

Remus was having trouble hiding his smile.

**Peter sighed dramatically. "All right," he told Remus, strutting over to where Remus was sitting.**

**"Thank you so much, Peter!" Remus gushed. "You're so smart and perfect and amazing!"**

That was too much. The group burst out laughing at how out of character everybody was, and how crazy the story was in general.

**Peter waved it aside casually, used to hearing such compliments. "Your essay's fine, let me just help you with this bit…" He paused as he made a lot of corrections to Remus' essay.**

**"Oh, Peter! What's your secret?" Remus asked, his eyes filled with admiration. "How can you be so flawless? How can you get Os in every subject without even trying?"**

Even Peter was laughing hard by now; this story was just what he had needed to hear after the last one.

**Peter just smiled mysteriously.**

**A little while later, Peter strutted down the corridor with his faithful sidekicks trailing along next to him.**

**"Peter! I love you! Marry me!"**

"Wow, Peter, you're even getting declarations of love and marriage thrown at you as you walk down the corridor." Sirius said. "That's a step up from me: Nobody's ever asked me to marry them yet."

**Daphne Smith cried from the other side of the hallway. Daphne had been one of Peter's five snog-partners the last week,**

"Hah, this is the first story where I'm not the major player. How does it feel, Peter?" Asked Sirius.

"I… Uh, I'm very overwhelmed right now."

"Just enjoy and cherish every second." James advised.

**she had been a good kisser and**_**quite willing**_******to go a little further with him…**

"Peter, you slag!" Sirius gasped in mock-shock.

**"Oh, Daphne, you know I love you too… But you know that I, being the epitome of cool, just can't be tied down so soon in life!"**

**Daphne nodded, her eyes filled with sadness but also understanding. "Of course, Peter. I'm always here for you, though, if you…**_**need something.**_**"**

"Well, if that's not a suggestive offer, I don't know what is." Remus said.

**Peter smiled, revealing his perfect teeth. A couple of girls further down the hallway fainted.**

"Oh, come on. This is ridiculous." Remus said. "For some reason, though, I'm quite enjoying it."

**"Thanks, Daphne. I'll see you later."**

**Daphne gave Peter one last sensual kiss that caused all the other marauders (who, although they had dated other girls before, never had as many girlfriends as Peter)**

"Peter the playaaaa!" Sirius sang (very out of tune).

**to go green with jealousy.**

**A little while later, McGonagall asked to speak with Peter for a moment.**

**"Peter," She said seriously, trying not to be intimidated by Peter's raw coolness.**

"Imagine McGonagall being intimidated by someone's coolness. Never mind, scratch that. Imagine McGonagall being intimidated." Livia said.

**"Dumbledore has asked for me to have a word with you. Since you are the best student the school has had since Merlin, we have decided to let you graduate three years early.**

"Wow, you're only a fourth year here, and you've already got strings of snog-partners lined up." Sirius said, looking impressed.

"Why are you more impressed by that than the fact that he's graduating three years early?" Remus asked, laughing.

"Well, that's awesome, too, but being a non-virgin fourth year is pretty cool, too."

**Here are your NEWT exam results."**

**McGonagall handed Peter an official-looking scroll, which Peter carefully examined.**

**"Obviously, you have received pure 'O's" McGonagall explained. "And here's a letter from the Ministry of Magic: They want you to become the new minister."**

Remus burst out laughing. "How on earth did the author come up with this?"

**Peter gave a chuckle that was coolness-in-a-laugh. "Thank you, Minerva," (Because Peter was so cool, naturally all the teachers allowed him to call them by their first names.)**

"This story is pure gold." Sirius said.

**"This is a great honour. Please tell the ministry that I am very flattered, but I intend to stay at Hogwarts for another few years."**

**Peter had already received several job-offers, including becoming the lead-chaser for the Appleby Arrows**

"Yuck – don't do it, Pete," James said.

**as well as for Puddlemere United**

"Yeah, do that one."

**(Peter was also, coincidentally, the youngest captain of the quidditch team**

"What about me? Why aren't I captain?" James asked.

"Because in this story, you're a girlfriend-less phoney that wears gaycup." Sirius answered.

"Luckily that's not the case in real life," James said, wrapping an arm around Lily.

"I would think it was gross if it wasn't so bloody sweet." Sirius said, looking at them.

**that had ever been at Hogwarts, as well as Head Boy),**

"C'mon, Pete, you've got to say _something_, you've been completely silent this entire time." James said.

"I honestly don't know what to say." Peter said, shaking his head. "I… this is so crazy."

**and he had been offered Minister for Magic twice previously (not to mention all the other job offers the Ministry had sent him).**

**With a final cool wave at Minerva, Peter walked down the stairs, and (looking around to make sure nobody was following him) he left Hogwarts.**

"Peter's a rebel!" Sirius said. "Anyway, I thought you said that you wanted to stay at Hogwarts for another three years?"

"I don't know what Fanfiction!me is doing, I honestly have no clue." Peter said, shaking his head.

**"We must kill Peter Pettigrew!" Lord Voldemort said. "He is too cool, and he simply refuses to become our mascot!"**

"Imagine Voldemort wanting a mascot," James said.

**The Dark Lord gave an angry growl, he had sent Peter several requests for him to become a death-eater mascot, which the latter had coolly rejected. "He is a danger to us!"**

**"That's right!" Peter said, stepping out of the shadows. "I've destroyed all the horcruxes,"**

"What's that?" Remus asked, to which all the others shrugged.

"I'm sure I've heard of them before," Sirius said, almost to himself. "I just can't, for the life of me, remember when."

**he said, chucking a sack of items at Voldemort's feet, "and now you must die."**

**He pulled the sword of Godric Gryffindor**

"How did you get hold of that?" Livia asked.

**out of his pocket,**

"Never mind that – how did you get it to fit in your pocket?"

**and with coolness and elegance that only he could muster, he chopped off the Dark Lord's head**

"What an epic way to kill Voldemort." Sirius said.

**before the latter could say**_**Boo.**_

_**All hail Peter Pettigrew, the epitome of cool!**_

**Was the inscription on the Ministry of Magic's wall. Peter became a legend and was loved by all, once he left Hogwarts he did, in fact, accept the position of Minister for Magic, whilst simultaneously being lead-chaser for Puddlemere United,**

"Good. I'm happy to see that you chose P.U. over the Appleby Arrows – you wouldn't have been cool anymore if you were playing for them!" James said.

**and being the lead singer for**_**Snitch Snatch,**_******as well as being headmaster of Hogwarts.**

"This story is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life." Remus chuckled. "But I actually quite like it."

"I love it. It's amazing." Sirius said.

"I agree – definitely one of my favourites thus far." Livia said.

**Lily and James got married,**

"See, even the craziest of stories agree that you two are meant to be." Sirius said.

**Lily became a journalist**

"That's funny, it's actually something I'm quite interested in." Lily said thoughtfully.

**and Peter organised the right-chaser position for James on the Appleby Arrows.**

Sirius burst out laughing, whilst James gave a long cry of "NOOOOOOO!"

**Sirius became a male model,**

"Hah – and the story claimed that I wasn't good looking?"

**until he was attacked by a Hippogriff, when his good looks were marred for life**

Sirius tried to turn the smile on his face into a frown, but he couldn't help but laugh at the insanity of the story.

**and he ended up being a stay-at-home dad.**

"This story-" Sirius said between his chuckles, "is awesome."

**Remus married Tonks,**

"What?" Remus asked. "This mysterious Tonks person makes another appearance…"

"Imagine what would happen if Remus eloped with my cousin Andromeda's fiancée, Ted Tonks. Or maybe you run away with Andi? She'll probably take his surname, as she's not exactly proud of being a Black, either. She's only five years older than you. But why does the story always refer to the person as 'Tonks'?" Sirius said.

**and he became DADA teacher at Hogwarts.**

**Peter loved his friends and never betrayed them or joined the Dark Lord or anything like that.**

"Well, that was random," Livia said.

**He was forever known as**_**'Peter Pettigrew: The Epitome of Cool'.**_

"That story was… I can't describe how much I enjoyed it. I wish I could meet the author and kiss them." Sirius said.

"Er, right…" Lily said. "Peter, what did you think of it?"

Peter looked away shyly. "I liked it, I guess. I definitely liked it more than the last one. It was just what I needed to hear."

"See? Some authors do like you." Lily said.

"I guess…" Peter said.

"Well, I vote we read another story." Sirius said.

"What else is new?" Livia asked.

"Ha, ha. So, shall we?"

Everybody nodded in agreement, and they sat in anticipation as the device selected the next story.


	32. Raymoose, Peetuh, Pafoo, and Dah

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Raymoose, Peetuh, Pafoo, and Dah**

**First Uploaded: January 3****rd****, 2016**

**Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. Thus, Harry Potter and his wonderful world do not belong to me… What a sad life.**

**Second Disclaimer: This amazing story was written by ExceedinglyPeculiarChick – you should definitely favourite the real one; it's a gem!**

**NOTE: Sorry for the wait! *hides as people chuck rotten vegetables at me***

"Who wants to read this one?" Remus asked the others. "Shall I?" Everyone nodded in agreement, so Remus began the story. "It's called **Raymoose, Peetuh, Pafoo, and Dah, **and it's written by **ExceedinglyPeculiarChick.**" He said.

"These pennames never fail to amuse me." Sirius said.

"What a weird title," Peter said. "What do you think it's about?"

"Dunno," James said. "Why don't we read and find out?"

**16 June 1981**

"It's in the fuuuuture," Sirius whispered dramatically.

"Shut up, Padfoot." James said good-naturedly.

**Remus Lupin entered the house of James and Lily Potter**

"Did you hear that?" James asked. "This stated two things. Firstly, we're going to live together, and secondly, Lily _Potter_. It has a really nice ring to it, I think."

Lily just rolled her eyes, but secretly (though she wouldn't admit it) she did quite like the sound of that.

**one night in late June to find an interesting and slightly alarming sight: Sirius Black sitting on the living room floor with a ten-month-old Harry sitting in his lap, having a (decidedly one-sided) conversation.**

"Hey – it's Harry!" Peter said. "Remember that horrible story, the time travel one?" He gave a dark scowl at this point, "that Hermione chick said that she knew Lily and James' son, Harry."

"You're right!" Remus said. "I remember it, too."

"Yeah, but just because it happened twice, doesn't mean that it's the future," Livia pointed out. "Remember how, for some reason, we know a Dorcas and Marlene? And that's been more than once – so Harry might just be something like that."

"By the way, bags on godfather!" Sirius said.

"You already said that," Remus reminded him.

"Lily and James weren't here then. And since it's them that's going to be doing the baby-making, I needed to let them know."

"Sirius, just stop." Lily said, her face as red as her hair.

**"Come on, Harry, it's not that hard. Sirius. Just three little syllables. SI-RI-US. **

"Aw, I can just picture this scene. That's so sweet." Livia said.

**Say it for me, kid, you're not stupid. Sirius. I know you can do it, Potter!"**

**"Sirius?" Remus asked concernedly, moving farther into the room to see James seated on the sofa and a rather amused-looking Peter Pettigrew lounging on the floor beside him. He heard the sound of water running in the kitchen sink and assumed that Lily was cleaning up from dinner.**

"And there's Lily, being the perfect wife." Sirius said, smirking.

"This one's very well written," Remus said. "I'm really enjoying it."

**Sirius looked at Harry exasperatedly. "If your idiot of an uncle can say it,**

"I can't be his uncle, though, because technically we wouldn't be blood relatives." Remus pointed out.

"Nah, Moony, we're all brothers." James said. Remus grinned, touched.

**why can't you? Come on, pup, just do it for me once!"**

"Don't call my son 'pup', that makes him sound like he's your dog son." James said. "And that's something that I most definitely don't want to think about."

**He scowled at Harry, who was scowling right back. They continued glaring at each other for several minutes before Harry did something seemingly inconsequential: raised one eyebrow at his godfather.**

"Ha – I got godfather!" Sirius cheered.

"And did you hear how cute little Harry is?" Livia said. "He can raise his eyebrow, just like Lily always does."

**Remus knew that look, for Lily had patented it several years before.**

"See?"

**It was the "oh, really" look and it usually meant trouble for the unlucky person it was directed toward.**

**Sure enough, an enormous old book—****_A History of Magic_****,**

"I love that book," Lily sighed happily. "Such a fascinating read."

"What." Sirius stared at her. "Only you, Lily, would find that absolutely murderously boring book 'fascinating'."

**as Remus recognized it—went flying for Sirius's head from across the room. **

"Look what a talented son I have," James said. "Not even a year old and he can send heavy books flying at Sirius. Of course, with his genes, he could definitely be a prodigy."

**He ducked just in time; the book soared over his head, missing him by inches, and James caught it with the unerring skill of a former Seeker.**

"Why do people think that I'm a seeker? I'm a chaser, for goodness sake."

**"Best not to push him, Sirius," Peter commented, taking the book from James and trotting across the room to replace it on its shelf. "Hello there, Remus."**

"Yeah – I'm a legitimate character!" Peter said happily. "I'm always grateful for that."

**Remus sat down in one of the armchairs across from the sofa. "What in the name of Merlin is Sirius doing?"**

**"He's of the opinion that my son is a super-genius,"**

"Which he is," James interjected.

**said Lily dryly from the kitchen doorway. "As such, he also thinks that Harry should be able to speak fluently in English, Latin, Mermish, and Troll before he's even a year old."**

"I love my sarcasm," Lily said. "I want to high-five my fanfiction!self."

**"I can speak Troll!" James cried, sitting bolt upright on the sofa. He assumed a completely idiotic expression on his face, pointed at the front door, and began to make incomprehensible grunting sounds, pausing occasionally to scratch his arse.**

Everyone laughed, including James.

"This story is great," Sirius said.

**"Harry James Potter, your father is a git," Remus sighed, leaning forward and scooping the black-haired baby from Sirius's clutches. "How we lived with him for seven whole years, I will never know."**

"That's true," Remus said. "It will forever remain a mystery."

**"Thanks, Remus, I love you too," James said sarcastically.**

**Harry giggled, his green eyes alight with happiness.**

"Aww, this is so cute." Livia said.

**He looked at Remus for several moments before opening his mouth. "Ray-moose."**

"I agree with Livia. This is too adorable," Lily said, her hands in front of her mouth.

**The room went deadly silent. Everyone was staring at Harry with expressions ranging from shock to utter disbelief.**

**It was Sirius who finally spoke up. "Did he just say Remus?"**

**"Ray-moose," Harry said again.**

"I can't listen to this fanfiction – it's making me want to have a baby _now_. Especially because this is my son, in the story." Lily said.

"Well, Evans, just tell James when you're ready, I'm sure that he'd have no problem with it." Sirius said, smirking.

"Prat." James said.

"Sorry, Sirius, but becoming a mum at age seventeen isn't exactly part of my life plan. You'll have to wait for a bit longer to become godfather."

**"That's what it sounded like," said Lily, who was grinning at her son.**

**"Ray-moose! Raaay-moose!" He was shouting it this time.**

**Remus laughed, looking smugly at Sirius. "Sorry, Padfoot, but I guess he loves me more than you."**

"Puh-lease." Sirius said. "I can't help it that the word 'Sirius' has an extra syllable."

Remus grinned, thoroughly enjoying the story.

**"In your dreams, Ray-moose," growled Sirius,**

"Yeah, Ray-moose," Sirius repeated, laughing.

**ruining the angry effect by smiling at the little boy.**

**Harry would go on that week to expand his vocabulary significantly: ****_Peetuh,_**

"Yay!" Peter said. Despite having read one story that depicted him in a positive light, he was still glad that not all authors hated him. Especially because he really had no idea what he had done to them.

_**Ma **_**and **_**Dah, Pafoo,**_

"I knew it was the extra syllable he couldn't pronounce!" Sirius said. "Next time, I'll make sure to start by teaching him to say 'Padfoot', or, if he wants, 'Pafoo'."

_**Dumblore, Kidditch,**_

"Damn right – of course my son will be a brilliant quidditch player." James said.

**and ****_boo._****For some strange reason, Harry's first word being "Ray-moose" made Remus very happy.**

"It makes me happy, too," Remus said, "Even though it's just in the story."

**It wasn't because he had gotten preferential treatment over Sirius or Peter or James and Lily; it was simply that in a world where most people despised him for what he was, he knew that there was one human being who loved and trusted him unquestioningly. And hopefully, one day, he'd be able to enunciate.**

"And that's the end." Remus said. "I really liked that story; it's definitely one of my favourite ones so far."

"Me, too." James said. "It was great: I rate it ten out of ten."

"Yup, I agree, even though I don't like that Harry couldn't say my name," Sirius said – everybody could tell that he was joking, though.

"Do you think Harry's just a made up author idea that perhaps others copied, or do you think that he's actually Lily and James' son in the future?" Livia asked.

"I actually always wanted to name my son Harry," Lily said in a small voice. "So, I don't know."

"Really?" James asked.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure, but I really like that name."

"Well," Sirius said, "We'll just have to wait for a couple of years and then we'll find out. Oh, and I've still got bags on godfather."

"Sirius, you've said that about a million times." Remus said.

"I said it three times; besides, I just want to make sure that everyone's clear on that."

Rolling his eyes, James took the laptop from Remus. "I'll read the next story," he said.

Everyone agreed and waited eagerly for the device to select the next story.

**A/N: GUESS WHO'SE BACK?! I'M BACK! Sorry, sorry, sorry x10000 to the power of 100, but I'm back for realz guys. I'm going to update TOMORROW to prove it (but don't expect daily updates, perhaps weekly ones or one every fortnight?)! And I'm sorry that this chapter wasn't great, but I find the reactions harder to write for good stories rather than bad stories. And I really wanted to properly introduce Harry and add him to the mix.**

**Tomorrow's chapter is WAY better than this one (in my opinion) and it's twice as long (I've finished it already), but I really needed this one to be first in the weird chronology I have in my head.**

**I've also finished editing the whole story by fixing it up and polishing it and eliminating general crappiness, so YAY. Also blame that partly for my long absence, don't think that I didn't do any work at all on this story!**

**Happy New Year, guys, and one of my new year's resolutions is to write this story properly!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**

**P.S: I'm back, so leave a review to say hi!**


	33. Metal on my Finger - Chapter 1

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Metal on my Finger**

**First Uploaded: January 4****th****, 2016 (ha! I told you I could upload two days in a row!)**

**Disclaimer: Right, time for a quick survey: Does anyone reading this own the world of Harry Potter? No? Yeah, neither do I… But if JK Rowling reads this: OMG YOU READ MY STORY Hiiiiii!**

**Warning: A couple of swearwords ahead! But only in the story, don't worry.**

"Right, so this one is called **Metal on my Finger**." James said.

"That's an odd title." Peter said.

"Yeah. Let's find out what it's about." Remus said. "Why don't you start reading, James?"

**Lily's hands shook as she reread the letter.**

"Good news, seems like the author has at least grasped the basics of spelling and grammar," James said.

"That's a relief. I was kind of expecting a bad story, because the last ones were good. It's like we've filled the quota, you know?" Remus said.

**_Due to the dwindling population of the wizarding world, which is at the lowest that it has been ever,_**

"Well, that's not true." Lily said. "I mean, we are a pretty small population compared to the muggles, who are growing exponentially faster than us, but there are still more of us than ever before."

"Yeah, yeah, blah, blah." Sirius said. "It's creative licence, Evans. The author had an idea, and they want to set it up. Just give them a chance."

"Of course, Oh Sirius, Defender of Fanfiction." Lily snorted.

**_and the lack of people marrying out of their blood circles (most particularly, purebloods refusing to marry anyone else),_**

"That bit's true, though." Remus said. "It definitely is a problem, but not a big one."

**_it has become apparent to the Ministry of Magic that if no measures are taken, wizard kind will become extinct._**

"Nope." Livia said. "I mean, look at wizards like Dumbledore. They're over a hundred years old, and it's a well-known fact that magical people live for _ages_. So there's no danger of us dying out, perhaps we might just end up as a society of old people."

**_As such the Ministry has decided to introduce a marriage law to save the wizarding world from dying out. _**

"Oh my goodness." Lily said. "They'd never be allowed to do that. And if they did, they wouldn't get away with it!"

"It's a very interesting idea for a story, though." Remus said. "I'm actually quite excited to see how this plays out."

"Mm, I agree." Sirius said. "That's why I love Fanfiction: Anything is possible!"

**_On the thirteenth of march, any witch or wizard over the age of seventeen will receive the details of whom they shall be paired with._**

"Imagine how horrible that must be," James said. "Just being told whom you have to marry."

**_Signed, Rodolfus Sewlyn, Minister of Magic_**

"But he's not the real Minister," Peter said.

**The paper was creased from being folded, unfolded, crumpled, ripped to shreds and then repaired. She glanced nervously at the window, at any moment an owl would arrive with the name of her husband-to-be. Although she had had six months to prepare herself for this moment, she still didn't feel at all ready to be married – she was only nineteen, for merlin's sake!**

"Yeah, I pity Fanfiction!me, that must be awful." Lily said.

**In that moment, a sleek, black owl swooped through the window and Lily felt like her heart stopped, then resumed beating at a million miles a minute. Her hands were shaking so much by now; she could barely undo the crisp envelope from the owl's leg.**

"Who do you think she's going to be betrothed to?" Peter asked.

"I think… James." Livia said. "I mean, that's who she always ends up with."

"Hm, I agree." Sirius said.

"No, I think it'll be someone dark, like… Snape, or something." Remus said, flinching away from the murderous glares he was receiving from both Lily and James.

"I think it's me." James said firmly.

"Nah, I agree with Remus." Peter said. "I think it'll be, say, Lucius Malfoy."

"What?!" Lily exclaimed. "No way. I don't even know him in real life _or_ in Fanfiction-Land. I think it'll be James – after all, nearly all fanfictions believe that we'll end up together."

**Time seemed to stop as she cracked open the ministry seal, dropping the envelope almost unconsciously to the floor.**

**_You are henceforth betrothed to_**

**_Sirius Orion Black._**

Everyone looked at James (who was reading) in shock.

"What a plot twist," Remus said. "I like it. It keeps us on our toes."

"I don't!" James exclaimed. "That's just too weird."

"I don't like it, either." Sirius said, shooting an apologetic look at Lily. "I mean, Lily and James are Lily and James."

"Wow. Who would've guessed?" Remus said sarcastically.

"No, I just mean, I can't imagine them not being together."

Lily started laughing. "You do realise that we only started dating today?" She pointed out.

"Exactly, and it already feels like a lifetime," Sirius said dramatically. "In a good way." He added.

"Whatever you say," Lily said.

**Fuck.**

"What is it?" Livia asked, thinking that James hadn't continued reading, yet.

"No, no, it's the story. See, obviously Lily isn't too happy about this arrangement."

"Well, who would be?" Remus asked reasonably. "I mean, aside from the fact that they're being forced into matrimony against their will, who would want to spend eternity with SIRIUS, of all people?"

"Hey! I take offence to that!" Sirius exclaimed.

**Lily dropped the paper again and it slipped to the floor. Her whole world shattered in front of her eyes as she thought of a messy-haired individual that she had secretly been yearning to be with.**

"Yeah! See, she does love me." James said.

"Ooh, it's all complicated and dramatic…" Peter said. "I like it!"

**She would never have admitted it, but she had been wishing with all her heart to end up with him.**

"I knew that all fanfiction authors love us together." He said.

**Sirius Black.**

**His fucking best friend.**

Livia winced. "Yeah, that's not great."

**And besides, Lily knew about his reputation, and she was sure that she would spend the rest of her life being cheated on every day.**

"What?" Sirius exclaimed. "As if! I might go through girlfriends slightly-"

James gave a cough that sounded suspiciously like '_very_'.

"-fast, but if I were forced into marriage, I wouldn't do that – especially not to Lily!"

"Aw, I'm flattered." Lily said.

"Honestly, though, I wouldn't be like that."

**She wondered if he would bother keeping it a secret. Probably not.**

"Excuse me?" Sirius exploded. "If I would cheat, which I _wouldn't_, then of course I wouldn't rub in your face! How heartless does this author think I am?"

**Not to mention that all his jealous admirers would practically massacre her once they found out that she had ****_stolen_**** their precious man.**

"Well, that might be true, but that isn't my fault." Sirius said stubbornly.

"I like this story." Remus said mildly. Everyone turned to him in surprise, they honestly hadn't expected him to like something like this. "What? I think that it's a very interesting concept, and it's been fairly well written so far."

**She felt too shocked to cry, instead, she swallowed what felt like a cactus in her throat, and continued reading.**

**_Your marriage will be taking place on the 15_****_th_****_ of January in room 213, floor 2 of the Ministry. Everything, including clothing, will be provided for by the ministry._**

**She had two days, then she would be married. She was going to throw up**

"It's exciting!" Peter said, hopping a little in his seat.

Sirius snorted. "Sure, Pete."

"No, I really think it is. I mean, how will Lily react to being married? How will _you_ react to being married? Will Lily end up with her true love, James? Or will she be forever unhappy in her forced marriage?"

"Y'know," Sirius said thoughtfully. "When you put it like that… Yeah, continue reading, Prongs, I wanna know what happens next."

**OoOoOoO**

**"****I can't believe I got Frank!" Alice shrieked,**

"Ah, and there's Alice again." Lily said. "I really wonder why people think I'm friends with her. Maybe in the future I'll know her?"

"Maybe…" Livia said thoughtfully. She had never really given a second thought to the fact that she didn't exist in Fanfiction!world, but it was starting to bug her. Why was she never in a story? Or, well, she had been in one story, but that one didn't count because it had been so bad.

**her face positively glowing with happiness. "I was so worried!" She and Frank had been dating for two years.**

**"****Mmh." Lily tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace.**

"Poor Lily. She and James are being cruelly separated and now Alice is being married to her OTL!" Peter sighed.

"What in the name of Merlin is an 'OTL'?" James asked.

"One True Love. Obviously." Peter said.

**"****I'm sorry, I'm being really insensitive. Don't worry, we'll think of something for you. If you don't like it with him, you can move in with us!"**

Sirius snorted. "And listen to Alice and this Frank bloke shagging all night? No, thanks."

"Sirius!" Lily said, blushing. "And besides, you weren't invited. Only me, in case I don't like being married to you."

**"****Not allowed." Dorcas Levin,**

"Oh, it's Dorcas!" Remus said. "I'm growing fond of this mysterious girl that we've never met in real life."

Livia frowned thoughtfully. Were Lily and her not going to be friends in the future? Or would she die? Why did no authors know of her existence? Or did they all just hate her and chose to leave her out?

**their other friend, said. "It's compulsory to live with your significant other.**

"That's so barbaric." Lily said. "What happens if you end up with an abusive husband? There's no escape."

**The whole purpose of this thing is to repopulate the wizarding world.**

"Eugh. So everyone is being put in pairs which are forced to sleep together." James said. "That's awful."

**How's that going to happen if everyone just lives separately?"**

**Lily felt even more sick. "Are you sure?" she choked out.**

**"****Yup. And my brother says that it's only a matter of time before they introduce a 'repopulation law' or some rot.**

"She's right." Remus said. "I mean, once they've introduced something like this, nobody can stop them, especially if it's in the name of 'the greater good'."

**After all, this is only the first step, isn't it? Once they've done this, they can do anything. **

"See, this Dorcas person agrees with me." Remus said. "Or, I agree with her."

**Why, who'd you get?"**

**"****Sirius Black." She said, trying not to burst into tears. To make matters even worse, Dorcas had fancied Sirius for most of their time at Hogwarts.**

"So much drama…" Peter said happily. "I love it!"

"It is very interesting," James said. "I mean, I would hate it in real life, but I definitely enjoy reading about it."

"Me, too." Lily said. "Especially because it's about me. It's weird to see how I'd react if this were to really happen. Because my characterization is fairly accurate, so far."

**"****Oh," she said in a small voice. "I see."**

**"****I'm sorry," Lily said desperately. "I don't want him! I wish we could trade!"**

**"****No, you don't. I got Aaron Lyches." Aaron was a Hufflepuff, and not very bright or good looking, nor did he have any particularly appealing traits, nor was he rich.**

"Poor ol' Aaron." Sirius said. "Nobody wants him."

"No, poor Dorcas," Remus said. "She's being forced into marrying someone she doesn't like, and isn't even slightly attracted to."

**"****I'd rather have that than the endless cheating and humiliation that'll happen to me." Lily replied.**

"I'm so angry that the author really has such a low opinion of me and my morals." Sirius said.

**"****I disagree." Dorcas said simply. "Anyway, where's Jennifer?" She asked, referring to the fourth member of their friendship group.**

**"****I dunno, she didn't reply to my owl." Alice said. "Maybe we should go to her house."**

**OoOoOoO**

**"****Fuck." Lily swore when she saw who Jennifer was betrothed to. Tobias Avery. Slytherin, brutish, violent, alcoholic and abusive.**

"Oh, no – poor Jennifer!" James said. "I guess we'll find out what happens when someone gets a bad husband."

"I can't handle the drama!" Peter said, bouncing up and down slightly in his seat.

**They had apperated to Jennifer's house, only to find their near-catatonic friend staring at her letter. They had been trying to get her to say something for the last five minutes, but she hadn't been capable of reacting.**

"She's probably in shock." Sirius said. "I feel bad for her, even though we have no idea who she is."

**Lily didn't know how life was going to turn out. She just hoped that she and her friends could somehow get through this.**

**OoOoOoO**

**"****Lily Emily Evans?" The man asked in a monotone voice. She nodded. He ticked her name off on a list of over 500 female names.**

"Imagine what would happen if this would be real." Sirius said.

"That would be crazy, but I think it would actually probably be along the lines of what's happening in this story. Except luckily they'd never be able to actually pass a law like this." Remus said.

**Lily felt a pang of empathy for everyone that had to do this, including herself. "Room-"**

**"****213, floor 2, I know." She interrupted.**

"Go Lily!" Sirius said.

**She knew she was being rude, but she just couldn't bring herself to care.**

**"****Er, yeah. You have to be there in fifteen minutes." He said.**

**"'****Kay. Thanks." She muttered, making her way to the lift. She tried to remember what Sirius had looked like the last time she had seen him, two years ago, on the day of their graduation.**

"As if we wouldn't see each other for so long. Aside from the fact that I'd probably visit you, especially if you were dating Prongs, the wizarding community is a small world. We would be bound to run into each other at some point."

**He had been handsome, that much was clear.**

"Naturally," Sirius said, smirking and ready to enjoy a passage about how great looking he was.

**His flawlessly aristocratic face, carved cheekbones and depthless grey eyes that all the girls were fawning over,**

"Aw, stop it," Sirius said smugly.

"Oh, no, I can sense his ego inflating." Remus said dryly. "Everyone, take cover!"

**Lily didn't delude herself into believing that she would have an unattractive man as a husband. She was just also aware of his womanizing tendencies, and she really didn't want to deal with having a cheating husband**

"Not this again," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"Don't worry, Sirius," Lily said, "If you and I are ever forced to get married, I wouldn't be _too _upset. I would rather not, though." She said.

"You had better not marry him," James said, taking her hand and interlacing their fingers. Sirius just rolled his eyes.

**– ****and nor did she want to deal with the attention of being ****_the _****wife of ****_the_**** unattainable Sirius Black. Not to mention that she was secretly in love with his best mate.**

"See? It's as accepted as the laws of Physics: Lily and James love each other and will end up together." Sirius said.

"How – how do you even know what the laws of Physics are?" Remus asked. "And the laws of Physics aren't at all accepted in the magical world, because magic defies practically all of them!"

"Eh, I read about them once. That Newton bloke, right? He had lots of hair."

Remus and Lily, the only two who_ actually_ knew about Physics, laughed.

**Lily's heart dropped. Never had she actually admitted it to herself, until now. On her bloody wedding day.**

"The drama! The suspense!" Peter said dramatically.

**Forcing herself to be thankful that she didn't have to marry Avery (her heart tugged in sympathy for Jennifer), or (although she wouldn't tell Dorcas) Aaron, she stepped out of the elevator.**

"Of course I'm a bloody better husband than some Hufflepuff pillock or an abusive Slytherin!" Sirius exclaimed.

**209\. 210. 211. 212. 213. This is it, Lily thought.**

**OoOoOoO**

**Lily gazed at her reflection. Although she hated to admit it, she looked beautiful.**

"You always do," James whispered to Lily, who blushed furiously. Sirius pretended to gag.

**Her hair had been styled into loose curls, she had a diamond tiara on her head,**

"I wonder how the ministry would have provided so many tiaras and dresses for everyone," Remus said thoughtfully. "I mean, assuming that there are 500 weddings taking place, it would be practically impossible."

"Maybe they used a duplicating charm on them," Peter suggested.

"Nah, really good quality jewellery always has protective spells that prohibit that from happening."

**and the wedding dress… Oh, the wedding dress. If it had her ****_real _****wedding, as in, had Lily actually been looking forward to the occasion, rather than dreading it, she would have declared it to be perfect.**

**"****Miss Evans?" The same woman who had immediately whisked her away to be 'prepared' upon her arrival in room 213, poked her head in the door.**

"Why don't we get a description of the dress?" Livia asked, disappointed.

"I think it's better like this." Remus said. "I mean, like this everyone can just imagine it as they like it."

**"****It's beginning."**

**Lily forced herself to not start bawling, hyperventilating, or vomiting her intestines out.**

"Gross." Sirius muttered.

**"****I hope you don't mind, but we're going to take some pictures of your ceremony, to show people how wonderful it all is." The lady said. "It's a great honour, to have it of your wedding, but you're both good-looking people, so we chose you."**

"Oh, see, that probably explains why Lily got a diamond tiara and a beautiful dress – they want to use her wedding as a way of showing everybody how great the new law is." James said.

**_Propaganda_****, Lily thought with a scoff.**

"She's right," Livia said.

**"****And so please try to look happy, not like we're leading you to your execution!"**

"This woman's horrible," Lily said. "I wonder if she's been subjected to the law, too. Most likely not, because otherwise she would be more understanding."

**_You might as well be. Either way, my life is going to end. Only like this it's metaphorically_****.**

**But Lily didn't say anything, instead, she held her head high, smiled, and walked to the alter.**

"And that's the end of the chapter." James said.

"But I want more!" Peter said. "We didn't even see what happened to Jennifer, or Dorcas, or Alice, and we didn't even meet any of us, yet. All the drama, and nothing has been solved! Will Lily and James find a way around this law, or will everyone be miserable? I need to know!"

"Relax, Peter." Sirius said. "I'm sure we'll find the chapter at some point in the future."

"But I want it now." Peter said grouchily.

"Me, too." Lily said. "I'm really enjoying this one."

"So am I," Remus said. "It's a really interesting idea, and the writing's been pretty good so far."

"Well, let's just hope that we'll find the next part soon." James said. "I want to know what happens."

"Let's read another one." Sirius said. "After all, the sooner we finish reading the stories in between this part and the next one, the sooner we'll find out what happens."

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Leave me a review – please?**

**Also, when do you guys want them to read the next part of the story? Or are you not interested in them reading on? If you guys didn't like it, I won't have them read the whole thing (it's part 1 of 3, all written by me *grins proudly*) but I'm sure the group (especially Peter) won't be happy if that's the case! Or, if you prefer, the next chapter could be the next part of this story! What would you guys like?**

**So, I'm definitely back. I'm going to update once every week, or every 2 weeks, but I've rediscovered my passion for writing this story, and I'm really excited to work with it!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**

**P.S.: I am unable to reply to your wonderful reviews because of a server problem (I did a bit of research and it appears that a bunch of people have this problem), but I'm still reading all of them and thank you so much to everyone who did review: you guys are seriously awesome, I hope you have a great day! I'll reply to everyone individually once the problem's fixed, but please leave reviews anyway? They really motivate me to write. To give you a clue: I wouldn't have continued the story if it weren't for you guys!**


	34. The Adventures of C, L and D!

**The Marauders Discover Fanfiction**

**Chapter Thirty-Five: The Adventures of C, L and D!**

**First Uploaded: July 4****th****, 2016 (I'm so sorry guys!)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I am human trash for not updating for so long :( pls forgive me guys!**

**WARNING: a little swearing ahead! (just, like, once though)**

Peter nervously tapped his fingers on his knee as they all waited for the device to select the next story. "I really hope it's the next chapter of 'Metal on my Finger'," he told the others.

"Me, too," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair. "That story is actually well written, for a change."

"Uh, oh." James looked up at the others, then glanced back down at the story the machine had selected. "Bad news: it's not the next part of the story. At least there don't seem to be too many spelling mistakes, though, so there's still hope that it might be a good story."

"I'll read," Lily offered, and took the device from James, giving him a smile as their hands brushed. "It's called, **The Adventures of C, L and D**."

"What a stupid title." Remus declared. "Why would they only use the initials of the main characters?"

"Give the story a chance," Peter said serenely. "It's unfair to judge a book by its cover, or, in this case, a story by its title."

"I disagree." Remus said. "I mean, the title is supposed to provide some insight into the story, and it should be creative, original and thought-provoking. And besides, the saying 'don't judge a book by its cover' actually refers to people, and not judging others based on their appearance, rather than actual books."

"Be quiet," Peter said calmly, gesturing for Lily to start reading. "I, Peter The Fanfiction Guru, will decide if this story is garbage or not, but only after we've read it."

"Peter The Fanfiction Guru?" Livia asked, snorting. "Since when?"

"Since I decided that fanfiction is a special and magical thing and that reading it is my new favourite pastime." Peter said, his voice filled with tranquillity.

"Even more than pranking?" James asked, trying not to laugh at his friend's attitude.

"I declare that pranking is immature, reading fanfiction is what true geniuses do." Peter replied.

"What about playing quidditch?" Lily chimed in.

"You're forgetting that Peter can't catch a Quaffle to save his life." James snickered.

"That is true, besides, quidditch is lame." Peter said wisely.

"No." Sirius gasped, putting a hand over his heart for added dramatic effect. "Who are you, and what have you done with my friend?"

Peter rolled his eyes, dropping the act. "Just kidding, quidditch is awesome. Even though I really can't catch a Quaffle. But, even so, I am Peter The Fanfiction Guru, and you shall from now on all hear my words of wisdom."

Remus laughed. "I look forward to that."

Lily cleared her throat. "Can I start reading?" She asked, and everybody nodded, curious to hear the story.

**"****I can't believe we're going to have the ball!" Lily exclaimed to her BFF, Carolyne.**

"Oh, no." Remus said. "B.F.F.? That isn't a good start. And she's called Caroline, but with a 'y', which could be an indicator of her Mary Sue-ness."

"Don't be so harsh, Moony." Sirius said. "Perhaps her mother was just feeling creative; I can sympathise with her for having an obscure name. And the abbreviation could just be some future slang that everybody knows."

**"****This is the most exiting thing**

"I think that's supposed to mean 'exciting' thing…" Livia said.

"And the spelling mistakes have started." James said, sighing.

**to happen since the marauder's last prank – but that wasn't even exiting at all!"**

"Three exclamation points," Lily said. "My eyes hurt from that."

"And how dare she say that our pranks aren't exciting? Or, well, 'exiting', in this case." Sirius said.

**"****Yeah" Carolyne agreed "all they did was pour green slime on the Slytherins-that's so uncreative."**

"Okay, that's pretty uncreative," Sirius had to concede. "But we'd never do something so immature in real life."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. "I happen to recall you doing _exactly that _to Severus Snape and his two Slytherin friends in fourth year."

"Fine, you're right, but that was before. We are changed men, Lily." He said histrionically.

"Sure thing." Lily said, her tone disbelieving.

**"****Yeah" Lily nodded. "I hate potter so much!"**

"Damn, it's one of _those_ stories." James said.

"Don't worry, Prongs, I bet you a galleon that you'll end up together by the end of the story. After all, fanfiction authors love exploring the whole hatred-turned-love aspect of your relationship." Sirius said.

**"****I hate Sirius Flippin' Black.**

"Wanna bet that Sirius and this Carolyne chick will end up together?" Livia said.

"I think they will, too. After all, she's the other female protagonist, and ninety percent of the time they end up with Sirius." Remus said.

**That's why his initials are S.O.B: He's a son ov'a bitch."**

Sirius scowled while everybody else started laughing. "That's not fair." He stated. "I can't help it that my name sucks."

**"****Hahahaha!" Lily laughed loudly,**

"That's so redundant," Remus said. "You should never, _ever_ write 'hahaha' as part of a dialogue in your story. And definitely not follow it by saying that the character 'laughed', because then you're repeating yourself."

**tears of laughter on her pretty cheeks.**

"Pretty cheeks?" Sirius snorted. "How can cheeks be pretty?"

"Lily's cheeks are pretty," James said, winking at Lily, who blushed.

"Ew. Excuse me while I go vomit." Sirius said loudly.

"And can we talk about how Lily is literally crying from laughter after that one simple joke?" Livia added. "I mean, it wasn't _that_ funny."

**"****you're so right! The only nice marauder is Remus,**

"What about me?" Peter asked, his face falling. "I'm nice, too!"

There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone realised that it would likely be a story that either ignored Peter or hated him.

"Of course you're nice." Lily said kindly. "The opinion of some second-rate author shouldn't matter to you."

Peter looked a little more cheerful, but he was obviously still upset that so many stories disliked him.

**but we all know that he's taken because Daniella has a crush on him."**

"That doesn't necessarily mean he's taken." Sirius pointed out.

"It kind of does, though." Livia said. "You can't forget about the girl-code-of-honour."

"You actually have one of those?" James asked, interested.

"It's top secret, so you're not going to find it out." Livia immediately replied, and James looked disappointed.

**She said, pointing at their other friend. She was reading a book like the bookworm she was.**

"What a stupid description." Remus said, annoyed. "Just because she's reading a book, it doesn't have to mean she's a bookworm, and the fact that she's a bookworm doesn't mean she's always reading."

**Daniella was very pretty in a shy sort of way**

"Uh, how can you be pretty in a 'shy sort of way'?" Peter asked.

"You're… I don't know, pretty and shy?" Sirius suggested.

"This description is already getting on my nerves." Remus said.

**(she had only ever had one boyfriend),**

"What does that have to do with anything?" Livia asked rhetorically.

**she had blonde hair and innocent doe eyes. She was shy and spent most of her time reading.**

"Oh, wow, let me guess; she must be a bookworm!" Remus said sarcastically.

**Lily was very pretty,**

"Aw, thanks, fanfiction-author!" Lily said, pretending to be bashful.

**she had fiery red hair and bright green eyes, with a small splattering of freckles on her straight nose that gave her a very cute look. She was very fun and cool, but she also got very good grades and was very responsible.**

"I quite like how I'm depicted in this fanfiction." Lily said. "Though I haven't made up my mind about whether or not I like it."

**Carolyne (or 'C', pronounced 'See', as her friends called her)**

"How dumb does the author think we are?" Remus said.

"Well, you have to remember that this is probably aimed at twelve-year-old girls, so they might need some help pronouncing complicated letters like 'C'." Sirius replied.

"Mate… I don't know about you, but I could pronounce the letter 'C' when I was twelve." James said, which Sirius ignored.

**was hot to the extreme.**

"Whoop, and she's a Mary Sue." Remus rolled his eyes. "Well, it's been a while since we've had one."

"Not long enough…" Sirius muttered.

**Many boys wanted her, but she didn't really show interest in them, she only had a couple of boyfriends and wasn't a slut or anything.**

"Argh, I can't stand this slut-shaming." Remus said, irritated. "As well as the whole, overdone, so-many-boys-want-her-but-she-doesn't-care thing."

**She had thick black hair and blue eyes, pouty lips that always looked kissable and flawless skin. Her body was perfect, skinny with curves in all the right places,**

"That has to be the most clichéd way of describing a body type ever." Livia said.

**but she wasn't even aware of this, despite how often Lily and Daniella told her how beautiful she was.**

"Isn't she humble?" Remus gushed with fake enthusiasm.

**She was a loud, funny prankster that pulled pranks that rivalled those of the marauders**

"Puh-lease. Like one chick could do anything that rivals the work of four masterminds." Sirius said.

**(that was how their rivalry, especially one between her and a certain mister Black started). She had dated exactly three guys,**

"We don't really care." Remus said.

**one named Robert Slycrown in her fourth year (it lasted for a year),**

"I repeat: we don't care."

**one for the last part of her fifth year called Brett Robins (he was one of the hottest guys in the school, and he was two years older than her, besides her he never even dated younger people!)**

"Oh my gosh, isn't she so special and not at all Mary-Sue-ish?" Livia said sarcastically.

**and a boy from their year in Ravenclaw that was also very handsome in her sixth year. Since seventh year began, she hadn't dated anyone, despite it nearly being December.**

"That was not at all relevant to the story." Sirius observed. "Why did the author put it in, Moony?"

"I'm beginning to suspect that this character is a special type of Mary Sue: The Self-Inserted Sue. Basically, the author just imagines themselves in the story, and this is the product of that. All this stuff about her boyfriends was just what the author wishes her own dating life would be like."

**That was what Lily and C had currently been discussing: there was going to be a winter ball!**

"I hate overused exclamation marks." Lily said. "And I can't believe the author is going to call the character 'C', as in the letter, from now on."

**"****Who are you going with?" C asked, giggling.**

**"****I don't know," Lily said, laughing. "I think whoever asks me, if anyone does!" She sighed sadly.**

"Fanfiction!me needs to have more self-confidence." Lily said.

**"****Don't be an idiot, you're beautiful and I bet hundreds of guys will be begging to go with you!" C told her friend. "Unlike me…"**

"And that just sounds like she's fishing for compliments." Livia said.

**"****Don't be stupid, I bet every guy in the school wants to go with you!"**

"See? She was totally fishing for compliments."

**The next day, the girls went to breakfast. Suddenly, their pudding exploded in front of them, covering them in chocolate. Then, the water pitcher burst and soaked them from head to toe.**

**"****SIRIUS BLACK!" C yelled viciously. "I KNOW IT WAS YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"**

"There's a missing comma, and it's all in capitals. This hurts my brain." Lily said.

**She stormed at him, ignoring the whole hall's gaze on her. She didn't realise that the water had soaked her white shirt, displaying her lacy black bra. All the guys stared at her as their dreams came true, and all the girls looked at her in envy.**

"She's such a Mary Sue that it's not even funny." Remus said.

"When are Mary Sues ever funny?" Sirius asked. "And, again, all the guys are always such perverts in these stories. Though, on the other hand, if a hot girl had a see-through shirt on with a black lacy bra underneath, I might stare."

"You're a pig." Livia said casually.

"Never said I wasn't." Sirius replied.

**"****Uh, no?" He said, but he couldn't formulate a proper response, distracted by her see-through shirt. "I… er…" He had no idea why it was affecting him so much. He needed to get out of here. He rushed past her.**

"That's extremely subtle and nobody is going to guess that she was affecting Fanfiction!me." Sirius said sarcastically. "And anyway, why do I always get stuck with the Mary Sues? Life is so unfair."

"It's because you're the 'bad boy' of our group, at least, in the eyes of these authors." Remus explained. "You're the arrogant, good-looking one with a troubled past that's from a dark family. The types of authors that generally tend to write Mary Sue stories are attracted to you the most, so you always get stuck with those ones. Oh, and they all want to have their character be the one that 'changes' you, and makes you go from a womanizing player to a loving, romantic boyfriend."

"That actually makes a lot of sense." Sirius said. "I really need to re-work my image. I'm sick of being the Mary-Sue-Magnet, or the Man-whore, in these stories."

**"****BLOODY COWARD!" She screamed after him. She marched back to the seat next to Lily and Danielle. Lily waved her wand at C's shirt, vanishing the pudding and water. "I hate him so much." She fumed.**

**As the next week passed, twenty people asked C to the ball, ten asked Lily, and three asked Danielle.**

Remus hit his face with his hand. "I actually can't believe this story."

**"****I don't know who to go with!" C complained in Charms class. She had already perfectly mastered the spell, so she and Lily were chatting.**

"It's like the author isn't even bothering to hide the fact that this character is a Mary Sue anymore." Peter said.

"And she doesn't exactly seem very charismatic if she's complaining about how much choice she has in her selection of guys." James said.

**"****Me, neither." Lily sighed.**

**"****I just don't fancy any of them." She said. "I don't even know WHO I want to go with."**

**"****Me, neither." Lily said sadly.**

"I literally just said that." Lily said. "I really need to broaden my vocabulary."

**Suddenly, the door opened and Abigail Justins walked into the classroom, her hair dishevelled and her blouse unbuttoned. She slid into the seat in front of the girls, whispering with her friends. They couldn't hear everything, but understood that she had been shagging Sirius.**

"Damn it!" Sirius sighed. "I'm a player again."

**"****What an asshole." C said darkly. "I'll show him…"**

Remus snorted. "He literally didn't do anything to her. This is probably the author's way of hinting that 'C' is jealous."

**The next day, the whole school was talking about how C had agreed to go to the ball with Harris Bell, the most popular and handsome boy in the school (apart from the marauders).**

"Surprise, surprise. She got asked by the most handsome guy." Livia said.

"And the entire school has nothing better to talk about than this." Peter added.

**"****C, guess what?!" Lily exclaimed, "I think I'm going to go to the ball with James."**

"Well, that escalated quickly." James laughed. "I thought a second ago she hated me."

**C spat out her juice, then quickly vanishing it before anyone saw. "Oh, look at what a klutz I am." She giggled.**

"This is the author's way of making her seem more realistic. She obviously doesn't have any real flaws, so the author added this little piece of information to make her seem relatable." Remus said. "Although it doesn't count, since nobody saw it."

**Then she realised what happened. "WHAT?! JAMES POTTER? YOUR ARCH NEMESIS?"**

"Why does it always have to be capital letters?" Lily complained.

**Lily giggled again. "Well, I really think he's changed." Lily told C about the long conversation they'd had, then how romantically he had asked her.**

"What, no details?" James asked, evidently disappointed.

"Sadly, you and Lily aren't the focus of this story." Remus said. "I think the author should retitle it, 'The Adventures of C (oh, and some other people that aren't important)'."

**"****Well, I suppose…" C said. "As long as you don't expect me to get along with his tool of a best mate!"**

"See, she's making everything about her again."

**Lily snickered. "I don't think anyone could get you two to get along."**

**On the day of the ball, everyone was getting ready.**

**Lily had put on a dark blue dress that complemented her hair and eyes, with thousands of tiny diamonds decorating the bodice.**

"That was probably quite expensive," Lily observed. "I wonder where I got all that money from, to buy thousands of diamonds."

**It was tight until her knees, when it flared into a mermaid-like skirt to the floor. It had one strap made of silver satin, and another think line of silver satin separated the bodice from the skirt at her waist.**

"This description is going on for way too long." Peter said. "I'm bored already."

**She matched it with a pair of silver high heels and a silver-and-diamond clutch. Her red hair was done up in an elegant updo, with a few red curls brushing her shoulders. Her makeup was simple yet elegant, with mascara, eyeliner, some pink lipgloss and a touch of blush.**

"B-O-R-I-G." Sirius said.

"That's not how you spell boring, Sirius. You missed the 'n'." Livia told him.

"Oh, no: I'm conforming to my stereotype!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm becoming stupid!"

"Shut up." James said good-naturedly.

**Danielle (who was going to the ball with Remus)**

"Again, that was completely random, and nobody really feels at all invested in us as a couple since we never even interacted in the story." Remus said.

**was wearing a light pink sleeveless dress with a sweetheart neckline, that was made of silk and gave her a look of prettiness but innocence.**

"Again with the whole shy, innocent thing. We get it, Danielle is a shy, innocent bookworm; there's no need to tell us a million times."

**The skirt was loose and flowing, and the dress was fairly simple (but very nice). She wore it with a pair of pink heels and a pink clutch, and a silver necklace and bracelets, with silver teardrop earings. Her hair was down, but C had styled it for her in gentle curls. Her makeup was barely there, just some pink eyeshadow and lipgloss.**

"This is so boring, I'm practically asleep." James said. "Why would anyone care what exactly she's wearing?"

**C looked drop-dead gorgeous.**

"Here we go…" Remus said.

**Although she didn't know it, she looked like she had stepped out of a fashion magazine, but even better.**

"Screw you, author." Lily said.

**She was wearing a dark red dress that looked incredibly sexy. Her bodice was made of lace, leaving suggestive expanses of skin free (it had a deep neckline and it was backless, as well as several other areas that weren't covered by lace).**

"Uh, what 'other areas' exactly?" Peter asked. "I mean, that could technically mean that she's wearing a dress literally displaying her butt."

"That would be funny." James said. "Though, knowing this author, everyone would probably think it's the coolest thing ever and start imitating her."

**It had two sleeves (also made of red lace) and the lace was patterened in swirls and flowers. The skirt itself was long and flowing, made of wine red silk that went further than the floor, so that it pooled at her feet and trailed behind her.**

Sirius gave a loud yawn.

**There was an opening up the edge of the dress at her leg, so that you could see her toned, thin legs under the dress.**

"Such a Mary Sue…" Remus muttered.

**She wore the dress with strappy red shoes (which she didn't know were actually by a very famous designer – she had received them for her birthday and just thought they looked nice),**

"I can't believe the audacity of this author." Lily said. "Does she really think that people will believe something like that? And what does that even prove about the character? That she's modest and not spoiled, or what?"

**and a red clutch that was also decorated with lace. She wore 1.5 carat diamond earrings with it (7.5 mm diameter),**

"These are such unnecessary details." Peter said. "Nobody cares."

**and a diamond bracelet with silver roses twining around her wrist. Her glossy hair was tumbling free (she just left it down because she couldn't be bothered to do anything with it, but in reality it looked indescribably amazing)**

"If we did a shot every time the author mentions that 'C' doesn't know how pretty she is, we'd be completely drunk by now." Sirius said.

**and her face was completely bare of makeup (she didn't need it, because she was already the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts).**

"Mary Sue." Livia coughed.

**"****Let's go!" Lily squealed. "I'm so exited!"**

"Oh, I'm 'exited' again." Lily said.

**"****Me too!" C said, tossing her gorgeous hair back. They strutted down the stairs looking like supermodels (especially C).**

Remus put his head in his hands in despair.

**When the boys (Remus, James and Harris) saw them, their jaws dropped.**

"Simultaneously? That would be pretty fun to see." Livia said.

**"****Wow, you… you look stunning!" James said to Lily, blinking several times.**

**"****You look great!" Remus told Daniella, who blushed innocently.**

"I'm going to cry if the author tells us how shy or innocent Daniella is again." Livia said.

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure that now Lily is dating James and I'm dating Daniella, none of our characters will ever be mentioned again." Remus said. "That is, unless 'C' suddenly needs a wing-woman or something."

**Harris was at a loss for words. He stood there, gaping, until C grew impatient and asked him, "Shall we go in?"**

**He nodded, still unable to think with the amazing girl standing in front of him. She grabbed his arm and tugged him after her, aware that the ball had started and that they were late (the others, including Lily and Danielle had gone inside).**

**When she opened the doors, everyone turned and stared at her, all conversation dying immediately. All girls were green with envy at not looking as good as C, and all guys were wishing that they could be on her arm, like Harris currently was.**

"I actually miss Sevella." Peter said. "At least she wasn't Sue-ish to _this _extent. This is, like, a whole new level of Sue-ness."

**C blushed self-consciously, assuming that something was wrong with her outfit.**

Remus groaned into his hands, sounding miserable.

**The dancing resumed after a moment, and Harris went to get something to drink (he also went to clear his head, because he couldn't think when C was there).**

"I don't even know what to say any more." Peter said. "I can't believe someone seriously wrote this."

**"****Carolyne… I mean, Jones." Said a male voice from behind her. C turned around to come face-to-face with Sirius Black. He was looking very handsome, by far the best-looking guy in the school (although she mentally slapped herself for thinking this – he was her enemy!).**

"I bet they'll be dating before the chapter is over." James said.

**"****What do you want, Black?" She asked coldly, feeling uncomfortable as his gaze trailed over her body, then back to her face.**

**"****To dance with you." He whispered in her ear. She shivered involuntarily, and let him guide her to the dancefloor.**

**As they swayed to the music, she registered that Sirius was a great dancer, at the same time as he realised the same thing about her.**

"How would she know that I registered that? Or is it suddenly in a weird, duel-point of view?" Sirius asked.

**The sexual tension in the air was so thick that she couldn't think straight.**

"It's easy to tell us that, author, but the readers haven't really picked up on it from your writing." Livia said.

**Sirius twirled her around, and pulled her back to him. They both realised that they were a lot closer than before – she could make out each individual shade of grey in his eyes, and he could do the same to her blue ones.**

**"****I… I need to go," she told him, running from the room and out of the castle.**

"She's so melodramatic." Lily said.

**It was pouring with rain and she was instantly drenched, but it felt refreshing. She could finally think clearly, and what she was thinking was WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?!**

Lily burst out laughing. "It's all in capitals, and there's no italics to indicate that it's her thoughts, and there are about six question and exclamation marks. It's completely random." She explained when the others looked at her questioningly.

**She was in such an intimate moment with her arch enemy, the boy she hated!**

**"****C?" She heard him call from behind her. She wouldn't have turned, but he used her nickname. So, she turned around and saw him standing a couple of meters away from her, similarly drenched.**

"Ooh, isn't it dramatic?" Peter said with fake eagerness.

**"****I'm sorry." He told her sincerely.**

**"****For what?" She asked.**

**"****Everything. Tormenting you through the years, making fun of you, everything."**

**"****It's okay,**

"Well, that was quick." Livia said.

**it's not like I didn't give my best effort," she said.**

**"****Yeah. You're brilliant, you know that?" He told her.**

"This is all coming from nowhere." Sirius said. "Suddenly I'm in love with her, even though I hated her moments ago?"

**"****What?" She couldn't believe she was hearing this.**

**"****I mean it. And you're the most beautiful girl I've ever met. And, what I'm trying to say, is I like you. A lot."**

"And this scene is really cheesy." Remus said, his voice muffled by his hands.

**"****I… I like you too." She realised in that second. It felt perfectly natural for her to say it.**

"She completely forgot about hating him moments ago." Livia observed.

**"****And the reason I was so rude to you and why I kept on pranking you, is because I've always liked you, and I guess I was just trying to get your attention." He said. He walked closer to her, gripped her tightly and pressed his lips to hers. They kissed passionately, spilling all their emotions and words they couldn't say into the kiss.**

"Eugh, I'm going to be contaminated by her Sue-germs." Sirius said. "Somebody save me!"

"And I think I'd find this moment a lot more meaningful if we'd have had _any_ build-up to this point. Instead of spending ages discussing their outfits in such precise details, the author should have spent more time developing their relationship."

**"****I'm sorry too," C gasped out as Sirius kissed her neck, finding a point that was especially sensitive. "For everything." She lifted his head so that she could kiss him properly again, and he pressed her back against the willow tree they had taken shelter under.**

"At least I'm a good kisser." Sirius said.

"Yeah, because obviously a Mary Sue wouldn't kiss someone who isn't hot, intelligent and _totally flawless in every way_. Everybody else is undeserving of her perfection."

**"****It would be rather hypocritical for me to not forgive you," he murmured against her mouth.**

**After kissing for a long time, Sirius hugged C closely, pressing their bodies together, panting for breath.**

**"****I've never felt that way with anyone I've ever kissed… Even the people I like." He whispered, panting.**

"The people I… like?" Sirius asked. "Does that mean I like someone else simultaneously?"

**"****Me, neither," she replied.**

**"****I… I think I love you." He said, looking deeply into her blue eyes.**

Remus began laughing into his hands.

"I think he's finally snapped." Sirius whispered loudly. "All this terrible writing was too much for him."

Remus looked up. "I can't believe how cliché, cheesy and annoying this entire scene is." He said. "And it makes me so sad that some poor, naïve girl might read this and think that this is what love is supposed to be like."

"I agree with you." James said. "Plus, they'll think that to be liked by guys, they have to be like 'C', since she's the most popular one from the group. And, while she might seem like a strong female protagonist at first glance, everything she's done so far has only resulted in guys liking her. We haven't even had any mention of her grades or her studying, aside from that one time the author said she mastered the spell perfectly. Everything else was always about her being popular and boys being into her."

**"****I… I love you, too. Forever."**

"It's over." Lily said, sighing in relief. "Thank goodness."

**NOTE FROM MEEEEE**

"I kind of like it when the author includes a note." Peter said. "It makes you feel like you get to know them a little better."

**(a.k.a. Caroline**

Everyone was silent for a moment.

"She's basically admitting that 'Carolyn' is a self-inserted character. She didn't even bother changing her name." Remus said.

**or FuzzyCauldronsInPink if you prefer!): I HOPE YOU LIKED THE STORY! I LOVED WRITING IT!oh and if u guys are interested, I have pictures of all the dresses on my profile!**

"Why on earth would we have to look at pictures of the dresses after she described them so exactly?" Peter said.

**My fave is C's – it's so sexy pretty and cool!)**

"What a surprise." Livia said.

**So for everyone that left me nice reviews: I LOVE YOU GUYS AND YOU'RE AMAZING!check ut my other stories, like "Diamond Letters" (that one is a longer one I started writing after this, because I missed the characters – espcecieally C!**

"For some reason, I don't find that difficult to believe." Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

**So it's a long story about the gang's years through hogwars=ts from year 1 to the war!**

"What war?" Livia asked.

"Probably something the author made up to make our lives more dramatic." Sirius said, shrugging.

**Check it out if you want more of c, Danielle, Sirius, Lily and james!)**

"I will most definitely _not_ 'check it out'." Lily said.

**for everyone who left reviews about how C is a Jenna Sue**

"Aha! So we aren't the only ones who think that." Remus said. "Though the author didn't even get it right."

**or whatever: GO SCREW YOURSELVES!**

"That's pretty mean…" James said. "Especially as we're telling the truth."

**THIS IS MY STORY, I CAN WRITE IT HOWEVER I WANT TO! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT, EASY!1!11**

"She's got a point, though." Peter said. "If she enjoys inserting herself into the story, why shouldn't she do that?"

"That's true, but she can't expect everyone to like what she writes. If she publishes it publicly, she should expect criticism." Remus said.

**STOP BEING HATERS AND DRAGGING OTHER PEOPLE DOWN CUZ U HATE YOUR OWN LIVES, JUST GO TO THERAPY OR SOMETHING!**

"Wow, that's extremely harsh." Sirius said. "She needs to calm down."

"And you guys aren't even seeing that this is written in all-capital letters and with a million exclamation marks." Lily said.

**Okay love you guys (except the haters) and see you soon!**

**-Caroline xxxxxxxxxxxx**

"And that's the end of that." Lily said.

"I feel… numb. I don't know if I'll be able to handle more bad writing." Remus said.

Peter cleared his throat. "My verdict as Peter The Fanfiction Guru is: it was terrible. Though the writing was, for the most part, not too bad, the over-description of outfits to the point that the audience was falling asleep; the obvious Mary Sue protagonist; the lack of relationship development for any couples; and the fact that I wasn't mentioned once, mean that I have to give it zero-point-five stars out of five."

"Well said, Peter. And don't worry, I wasn't mentioned either." Livia said.

"That makes me feel a little better," Peter admitted.

"Shall we forget about this rubbish story and read another one?" Sirius suggested.

"Do you even have to ask?" James replied as everyone agreed.

**A/N: I am a terrible human being and I hope you guys can forgive me! So basically I had some problems with my Microsoft Word subscription, and, after that was sorted out, I had really bad writer's block, to the point of barely being able to look at this story. After a few months of not writing I had practically forgotten about it, when some of you wrote wonderful messages to me asking about updates. I want to thank everyone who did so, since you guys are the reason I started writing this again! And I forgot how fun this story is, haha XD I'm definitely inspired at the moment, and I'm planning on updating soon, because I ****love**** writing this again. So, once again, a big thank you to everyone who sent me those kind update-requests, this is for you guys! I'm back for realz!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


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